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  • If there’s one thing men will do, it’s stain your white. While real-life Nigerian men get dragged all the time, I think the worst type are the ones we’ve seen in Netflix Nollywood movies. For anyone who thinks I’m exaggerating, let’s do a quick rundown of some of these men to educate you. 

    Ruslaan Mumtaz as Raj in Namaste Wahala 

    Crime: Raj didn’t do anything wrong. I just can’t stand the fact that Namaste Wahala exists, so I’ll drag it any chance I get. I’m sorry, you can’t beat me. 

    Chances of us falling for his bullshit: This man couldn’t stand up to his mother to protect the woman he loves. Does Prince Harry have two heads? It’s hard to fall for a mama’s boy, so Raj’s game is non-existent. 

    Timini Egbuson as Nonso in Dinner At My Place

    Crime: He was stupid enough to allow his ex-girlfriend to crash the proposal he planned for his new girlfriend. I’d understand if the proposal was in a public place. But, sir, in your house? And she even swallowed the engagement ring.

    Chances of us falling for his bullshit: Yeah, it’s clear Nonso can’t keep a home. I don’t see a man who puts an engagement ring in food having enough game to seduce anyone. I just don’t see it. 

    Tobi Bakre as Andy in Sugar Rush

    Crime: Stealing money from his ex and making her chase him around Lagos for it. Yes, I know she stole the money too, but I’ll always support women’s rights and wrongs, so let’s focus on Andy. 

    Chances of us falling for his bullshit: He looks like he’s just good for fornication, so as long as your legs are closed, you’ll be safe. 

    Akah Nnani as Samuel in Man of God 

    Crime: Being a fake pastor who cheated on his Mummy G.O with multiple women, including the ex who left him for another man. 

    Chances of us falling for his bullshit: This man rebranded from discount Fela Kuti to discount Chris Okotie with nary a game in sight. We’ll be fine. 

    Kenneth Okolie as Deji in The Royal Hibiscus Hotel

    Crime: Making the daughter of the owner of the hotel he’s about to buy and destroy fall in love with him. And yes, he made her fall in love with him by answering the door shirtless and being super tall. Why couldn’t he throw on a shirt or something? Very whorish behaviour if you ask me. 

    Chances of us falling for his bullshit: Hmmm. Anyone who’s seen that shirtless scene knows that the mind might be strong, but the flesh is weak. 

    Swanky JKA as Nnamdi in Living in Bondage: Breaking Free

    Crime: Dating when he knows he owes his cult a human head. Why couldn’t he remain single? This man dragged an innocent babe into his Tony Umez mess because of love. Eww. 

    Chances of us falling for his bullshit: An Igbo man with a sweet mouth? RIP to whoever falls victim.  

    RECOMMENDED: How to Avoid Being Used for Rituals, According to Nollywood

    Joseph Benjamin as Osaze in Isoken 

    Crime: Being a self-absorbed boyfriend who tries to change his girlfriend, knowing full well she’s a grown woman with agency over her life. That’s just douchebag behaviour. 

    Chances of us falling for his bullshit: Osaze might be a trash boyfriend, but he’s sleek, fine and has connections. Yes, we might lose small focus. Just small sha. 

    Chris Attoh as Umar in Flower Girl 

    Crime: Breaking up with his girlfriend after promising to propose to her as soon as he gets promoted. This babe was already planning their wedding, and he just said, “Aired DFKM.” 

    Chances of us falling for his bullshit: It’s Chris Attoh. I’m sorry, there’s nothing else to say. It’s Chris Attoh *insert heart eye emoji x 100* 

    Wale Ojo as Kunle in Fifty 

    Crime: Cheating on your wife is wrong, but cheating on your wife with someone she already has beef with? Kunle in Fifty was a trash husband, but the writers tried to make us root for him because his wife was self-absorbed, and he was cheating for love. Sir, with all due respect, geddifok. 

    Chances of us falling for his bullshit: He’s a middle-aged Yoruba man with Wale Ojo’s face and a ton of money. My dear, how does that song go again? O ti lo. 

    Stan Nze as Ahanna in Rattlesnake: The Ahanna Story 

    Crime: Abandoning his girlfriend for another woman and the soft life in Abuja. This man started a robbery gang, set them up then moved to Buhari’s backyard for a good time. That’s savage AF. 

    Chances of us falling for his bullshit: If he could convince those grown-ass men to give armed robbery a chance, there’s a high chance he could convince us to take off our underwear. Just saying. 

    Oris Erhuero as Sunday in A Sunday Affair 

    Crime: How can you cheat on your wife at your brother’s wedding then sleep with the best friend of the woman (your brother’s sister-in-law, by the way) you cheated on your wife with? We need to bring back shame because it’s clear Sunday, AKA Community D, had none of it. Nothing in his head, just fornication and vibes. 

    Chances of us falling for his bullshit: The man drives a Porsche, has a seductive Christian Grey accent and uses words like “Consortium”. No wonder Uche, Toyin and their sponge wigs fell on the floor for him. Ladies, you deserved better, but honestly, I get it. 

    Taiwo Obileye as Chief Daddy in Chief Daddy

    Crime: This man cheated on his wife with multiple women then forced her to live with them and their children using financial manipulation. Nah, Chief Daddy was evil if we’re keeping it 100. It’s one thing to cheat on your wife, but to score away goals from Lagos to London? Even Abraham in the bible didn’t take his “Father of all Nations” title this seriously. 

    Chances of us falling for his bullshit: It’s clear Chief had game. It can just be his money that pulled baddies across different age groups to him. He was a pure manifestation of Yoruba demonry, so no one stood a chance. 

    ALSO READ: I Watched “Chief Daddy 2” So You Don’t Have To

  • You’re here because you’ve watched the movie, great. Now, take this quiz and don’t fall our hand.

  • Nollywood is choosing vawulence in 2023, and I’m here for it. Kicking the year off with the Netflix limited series, Shanty Town, we’re invited to an underground world of crime led by Ini Edo, Chidi Mokeme, Richard Mofe Damijo, Sola Sobowale and Nse Ikpe Etim. 

    With such a star-studded cast, it’s almost impossible for the actors to not have worked together before. And because I like doing inspector work, I did a little digging to find out where we’ve seen them together. 

    Richard Mofe Damijo and Sola Sobowale in The Wedding Party and Diamond Ring

    From playing parents to Teju Babyface’s thieving character in 1998’s Diamond Ring to handling chaos as in-laws in 2016’s The Wedding Party, RMD and Sola Sobowale have been working together longer than some of us have been breathing. 

    Ini Edo and Uche Jombo in Girls Cot

    If there’s one film that solidified the arrival of abortion belts, it’s 2006’s Girls Cot. This ensemble drama was chaotic AF (there’s a police car chase scene), served us lewks and still had stars like Genevieve Nnaji, Rita Dominic, Ini Edo and Uche Jombo. 

    Nancy Isime and Uche Jombo in Blood Sisters 

    While I still can’t get over Uche Jombo playing Ini Dima-Okojie’s mother in 2022’s Blood Sisters, I have to admit that hers and Nancy Isime’s Kemi are two of my favourite performances from the EbonyLife limited series. 

    Toyin Abraham and Ali Nuhu in Ghost and the Tout Too 

    Toyin Abraham’s characters are never normal, so imagine what they’d be like if they could see ghosts? This is the premise for 2021’s The Ghost and the Tout Too, which also stars Ali Nuhu, my fave Real Housewife, Iyabo Ojo and Osas Ighodaro.

    Shaffy Bello, Richard Mofe Damijo and Ini Edo in Chief Daddy 

    We all like to drag the Chief Daddy franchise, but those films are the definition of star-studded. Because, tell me, where else you’d find Shaffy Bello, Richard Mofe Damijo, Ini Edo, Joke Silva, Falz, Funke Akindele and Kate Henshaw all in one film? 

    RECOMMENDED: 7 Brilliant Nollywood Short Films That Need to Be on Your 2023 Watchlist

    Sola Sobowale and Nse Ikpe Etim in King of Boys: The Return of the King 

    Kemi Adetiba’s 2021 King of Boys: The Return of the King stood out for many reasons, but number one on the list is the epic showdown between Sola Sobowale’s Eniola Salami and Nse Ikpe-Etim’s Jumoke Randle. 

    Zuby Michael and Nancy Isime in Omo Ghetto: The Saga 

    Funke Akindele’s 2020 comedy, Omo Ghetto: The Saga not only revived cinema culture after a long-ass panini, but it also gave us Zuby Michael and Nancy Isime in one film. 

    Ini Edo, Uche Jombo and Nse Ikpe Etim in Reloaded 

    From Games Women Play in 2005 to Games Men Play in 2006, Nollywood producer Emem Isong was the queen of ensemble hits back in the day. She’s also responsible for Reloaded, the film that helped launch Nse Ikpe Etim’s career in 2009. 

    Lilian Afe and Nse Ikpe Etim in Glamour Girls 

    Like Aretha Franklin once said, “Great gowns, beautiful gowns.” LOL. 

    Chidi Mokeme, Shaffy Bello and Toyin Abraham in The Therapist 

    Big confession, I haven’t seen The Therapist, and that’s mostly because therapy is expensive and inaccessible for most Nigerians— 

    Oh, we’re talking about the 2022 movie? Well, I haven’t seen that either. But I hear it has Chidi Mokeme, Shaffy Bello, Toyin Abraham and Rita Dominic. 

    ALSO READ: How Realistic Are Your Favourite Nollywood High School Shows? Let’s Rank Them

  • Whether you call it high school drama or secondary school wahala, shows that revolve around young teens navigating life and WAEC are always premium entertainment. While I’d love for Nollywood to dive deeper into this genre, this is a ranking of some of the teen shows I’ve seen based on how realistic their stories are. 

    Super Story: Omoye 

    Super Story has had many seasons that shook Nigerians, but if there’s one that definitely left a mark on my young mind, it’s Omoye. Allegedly based on a true life story, Omoye follows a girl forced to make tough choices to secure her future after a bank closure pushes her family into poverty. Random thought: what happened to the actress who played Omoye? It’s like she did the show and said, “Acting? Never again.” 

    Reality scale: Three. Great show, but using pregnancy as a punishment for sex, and then, death as a punishment for getting an abortion, doesn’t fly in my book. It’s giving 1000 BC. 

    Far From Home 

    Far From Home is the Netflix sensation that had everyone hooked at the close of 2022. This TV show follows the lives of teens at Wilmer Academy and how they change with the arrival of a new student, Ishaya Bello. From the debate over whether or not Ishaya’s parents were right to spend his savings to a global thirst for the lawyer-turned-actor (his father wants you to know he’s a lawyer too) who played Reggie, Far From Home was everywhere. 

    Reality scale: Four. Please, show me a school where they allow male students to dye their hair the many colours of the rainbow every week? Atlas, it’s all your fault. 

    Life 101 

    EbonyLife’s Life 101 follows four friends transitioning from high school to university. The show accurately captures how friendships evolve when everyone starts balancing their GPAs with romance, ambition and, in the case of these four, an imaginary world. 

    Reality scale: Five. Escaping to an alternate reality has never really solved anyone’s problems. Do you know what works? Grabbing your wahala by the balls. 

    Mostly Straight

    Mostly Straight is a hilarious TV show that follows the daily lives of some unhinged students trying to balance love, life and fFurther math with finesse. It’s very charming and wholesome.

    Reality scale: Six. A TV show with the gheighs? I’m totally here for it. Even though the acting, production and dialogue might be a shaky sometimes, the fact that it has a diverse roster of characters is what does it for me.  

    RECOMMENDED: 15 Nigerian Pop Culture Moments That Got Us Through the Shege of 2022

    Schooled 

    Schooled is a severely underrated NdaniTV teen drama. It follows the life of a street kid who gains admission to an ajebo school where he investigates a series of strange events. It’s funny and scary at the same time, and will have you missing boarding school — that’s if you went sha. 

    Reality scale: Seven. I know what you’re thinking, “Conrad, it has bush babies.” And so what? I totally believe bush babies exist, and that’s on that. 

    I Need to Know 

    Before Funke Akindele was Jenifa or Omo Ghetto to Gen Zs, she was Bisi from I Need To Know to millennials like me. The TV show aired in the early 2000s and featured Funke as a teenage girl navigating everything from her first crush to conversations about teen pregnancy. The best part? She was so close to her mum that she could talk to her about anything.

    Reality scale: Eight. The uniform and dialogue on the show were very true to secondary schools back then, but talking to your mother about fornication? Omo, that’s rare. 

    Shuga 

    Shuga might not be a full-on teen high school show, but it’s the one show that captures the craziness and confusion that comes with navigating life as a young adult. From sex to pregnancy and relationships, Shuga pretty much hits most of its story on the head. Pregnancy or STDs are not shown as punishments for sex. Instead, they’re shown as shit that could happen when you bump genitals. 

    Reality scale: Nine. Could we do with more actors who look like students? Yes. But this show still gives what it’s supposed to give every season. 

    ALSO READ: 7 Brilliant Nollywood Short Films That Need to Be on Your 2023 Watchlist

  • Get in here, guys. We’re leaving the trenches behind. 

    Everyone can’t stop talking about Inkblot Productions and Netflix’s new show, Far From Home, and we totally get it. The young-adult series created by Chinaza Onuzo follows Ishaya Bello, a poor boy from Isale Eko who’s down to do anything to japa from the trenches and become a superstar artist. 

    If just like Ishaya you’re tired of living in severe sapa, then this article is for you. Here’s a list of the easiest ways to make bastard money and escape the trenches before 2023. Take notes. 

    Don’t be born a Nigerian

    Everyone in Nigeria is in the trenches and the last time we checked, you don’t have two heads. Your problem started the day you were born Nigerian. When next you’re choosing to be born, please and please, ask the angel to redeploy you somewhere else. Don’t choose +234 for your own good. 

    Be born rich 

    If you mistakenly end up being born into a Nigerian family, the least you can do is make sure it’s a rich one. See, if your parents are poor, today is a good day to disown them and look for new ones. No hard feelings. They’ll support your decision if they truly want the best for you. 

    Enter the oil and gas business

    If Otedola can make money from oil and gas, what’s stopping you from becoming a billionaire too. All you need to do is start selling cooking gas and then small palm oil or vegetable oil on the side. See how simple it is? And to think everyone makes oil and gas sound like some exclusive big boys club. Don’t worry,  I’ve hacked it for you. 

    Please, fast and pray 

    Ishaya did everything but fast and pray. How do you want to escape the trenches when you’re not a prayer warrior? What God cannot do does not exist. 

    Try a lirru bit of kidnapping  

    Everyone knows streets aren’t safe during the ember months, so how about using that to your advantage by stepping into your kidnapping bag. With all the IJGBs everywhere, after two or three kidnapping adventures, who knows, you might be buying a house in Banana Island by January. 

    Become an artist 

    Note how I didn’t ask you to learn how to draw or paint? I said, “Become an artist” because there’s levels when it comes to this art thing — talent is one thing, while packaging is another thing. People that just draw and paint are still in the trenches like Ishaya’s father, but you see “artists”? Omo, those ones are like Essien, touring the world and cashing checks. 

    RECOMMENDED: 10 Vital Organs & Fluids You Can Sell To Escape Sapa

    Manifest Dangote’s money into your account

    Why spend all your time working for money when you can just manifest Dangote’s money into your account? This is what we mean by working smarter, not harder. Dangote has done all the work, so just go out into the rain or light candles and manifest everyday until your account balance increases. 

    Become a sugar baby 

    Falling in love is a great feeling. But you know what feels better, and could help you leave the trenches? Finding a glucose guardian that has bastard money. You might have to give some sugar here and there like Adufe on Far From Home, but at least you won’t have to choose between warming the beans from yesterday or drinking garri without milk and sugar. 

    Like Shakespeare Davido once said, “Love is sweet o, but when money enter, love is sweeter.” 

    Create your own currency 

    If CBN can use Snapchat filters to design Nigeria’s currency, who says you can’t make your own currency? All you need is ink and plenty of A4 paper. Good luck!

    Plan a dinner with Jay Z 

    Everyone on Twitter is always talking about how dinner with Jay Z is more valuable than $1m, and they’re not wrong. You don’t need money to be bastardly rich and escape the trenches; you need little nuggets of wisdom from Beyoncé’s husband. 

    ALSO READ: Seyi Vibez Misses the Trenches But Doesn’t Regret Leaving

  • 2022 has been an incredible year for Nollywood. From the arrival of a new streaming platform to an action film that actually had audiences by the neck, I think it’s time to admit that Nollywood ate this year. 

    While the jump to consume more streaming content took a lot of our data and almost made us bankrupt, some Nollywood actors and their performances made all that time and money worth our while. 

     Genovevah Umeh — Blood Sisters and Far From Home 

    Stealing the show from an ensemble cast of heavyweights like Kate Henshaw, Ramsey Nouah, Kehinde Bankole and Gabriel Afolayan is no easy feat. But that’s the heist Genovevah Umeh successfully pulled off on EbonyLife’s Blood Sisters. With eyes that said much more than any dialogue could convey, Genovevah’s performance turned what could’ve been a caricature into a fully fleshed-out human. 

    Genovevah is undoubtedly the breakout star of 2022.

    Meg Otanwa — For Maria: Ebun Pataki

    Meg Otanwa is the only actor with one film on this list, but anyone who’s seen her performance in For Maria: Ebun Pataki will tell you that one role was all she needed to end 2022 on a high. Diving deeper than any actor I’ve seen in a while, Meg’s nuanced turn as Derin, a young mother struggling with postpartum depression, had the internet talking and researching for weeks. 

    This was the role of a lifetime, and Meg Otanwa definitely matched it with the year’s best performance.  

    Odunlade Adekola — King of Thieves and Elesin Oba: The King’s Horseman 

    Odunlade Adekola is more than just a meme king; in 2022, it’s clear he wants you to know that. As the imposing Oba Adegbite Tadenikaro in the Yoruba revenge epic, King of Thieves, Odunlade turns the humour down but still makes his character charismatic and unforgettable. 

    While his “Father Christmas” beard in Elesin Oba: The King’s Horseman might be unnerving, it takes nothing from Odunlade’s commanding work as the film’s conflicted titular character, a performance that’s one of 2022’s best. 

    Bimbo Ademoye — Anikulapo, Iya Barakat Teropi Secxxion and Selina 

    Bimbo Ademoye is the gift that keeps on giving. Since grabbing my attention with her colourful role in 2019’s Sugar Rush, Bimbo has consistently delivered incredible performances, even when the film’s plot happens to be the weapon fashioned against her. 

    While Bimbo has been hailed for her comedic timing, her dramatic and seductive turn as Queen Arolake was one of the best parts of Kunle Afolayan’s confused Anikulapo. PS: If you’re here for the hilarious Bimbo, her Instagram skit turned web series, Iya Barakat Teropi Secxxion will have you spitting out your food in laughter. 

    Uzoamaka Aniunoh — Juju Stories and Diiche 

    Uzoamaka Aniunoh makes her way through each project, making choices and doing things that feel natural for whatever character she’s playing. It’s acting that’s more like being. While I’ve wondered out loud why Nigerian TV shows don’t have the same pull they had in the past, Uzoamaka’s role as Inspector Ijeoma Anene on Diiche happens to be one of the few performances that restores my faith in television. 

    RECOMMENDED: The Biggest 2022 International Collabs Ranked from “Flop” to “Bop”

    Deyemi Okanlawon — Blood Sisters and Elesin Oba: The King’s Horseman 

    Deyemi Okanlawon is quickly turning into the Noah Centineo of Nollywood, but I can’t be mad because the man can actually act. Marking attendance on not just one but two major Netflix releases (the third, Far From Home, drops this December) in one year is a major flex for any actor, but all the flexing Deyemi does happen on screen. 

    As Olunde in Elesin Oba: The King’s Horseman, Deyemi is dutiful and loyal, a far cry from his terrifying and unforgivable turn as Kola in Blood Sisters. 

    Bisola Aiyeola — Dwindle, Flawsome and Dinner at My Place 

    It’s hard to fault Nollywood producers who cast former reality TV stars in films when Bisola Aiyeola continues to hit her roles out of the park. An actress with incredible range, Bisola can make her audience laugh like they’re at a stand-up show in one scene and still make them cry like they’ve been served breakfast in the next. I’m waiting for a role that fully utilises her talents because that role hasn’t been written yet. 

    Daniel Etim Effiong — Collision Course, Blood Sisters and Selina 

    What can I do when an actor I like is cast in a role I dislike that’s also the centrepiece of a movie I can’t stand? If the acting works, I have no choice but to give this actor his flowers. And yes, Daniel Etim Effiong’s acting works in the deeply upsetting police-sympathy drama, Collision Course. I just wish he wasn’t in it.  

    That being said, Daniel’s roles in Blood Sisters and Selina slightly make up for the Bolanle Austen-Peters blunder. 

    Gabriel Afolayan — For Maria: Ebun Pataki, Blood Sisters and U Turn 

    If we’re keeping it one hundred, Gabriel Afolayan would make any list of the best performances of the year for just about any role, and with his eyes closed. He stays committed to every character and keeps it interesting, even when the film is undeserving of his talent. Thankfully, in 2022, Gabriel got the chance to sink his teeth into a wide variety of juicy roles, and he ate everything up. 

    From the supportive albeit confused husband in For Maria: Ebun Pataki to the scheming and overlooked brother on Blood Sisters, Gabriel created completely different characters whose only similarity was the actor that played them. 

    Tina Mba — For Maria: Ebun Pataki, U-Turn and Finding Hubby 2 

    Very few actresses command the screen like Tina Mba, even in minor supporting roles. While it could’ve been easy to dislike her as the mother-in-law in For Maria: Ebun Pataki, Tina plays the role with such dedication that we can’t’t help but understand her character’s point of view — right or wrong. 

    A memorable scene I can’t get over is when she sprinkles anointing oil around her daughter-in-law’s room and then uses some on her breast to get her to lactate. It’s totally uncomfortable to watch, but it’s still the most Nigerian mother thing ever. 

    ALSO READ: We Checked, and These Are the Best Nollywood Films of 2022…So Far

  • Is it me, or are the main characters on TV shows created to be annoying and chaotic all the time? Anyone who’s seen Blood and Water will confirm that while the lead character, Puleng Khumalo, is lovable and smart, she can be very annoying in her mission to prove her schoolmate, Fikile, is her long-lost sister. 

    In honour of the return of one of my favourite high school dramas, I’m looking at all the times I almost jumped into my TV screen just so I could drag Puleng for being messy AF. 

    The time Wade said she looked like Fikile, and she just went with it 

    Everyone knows the usual response to “You and this person look-alike” is, “I don’t see it”, but not my good sis, Puleng. In the very first episode, while gate-crashing Fikile’s birthday party, Wade (a total stranger, by the way) randomly told Puleng she looked just like the birthday girl, and boom, she decided Fikile might be her long-lost sister. 

    Was she correct to start the investigation? Yes. Was it a bit extra? Also, yes. 

    Starting this whole investigation in the first place like she’s Eniola Holmes 

    I can’t remember the last time I saw Puleng read a book, do homework or just go for a jog. From the moment the show started, Puleng put on her Eniola Holmes hat and refused to take it off. There could be an earthquake, tsunami and jailbreak happening at the same time, and we’d still find Puleng digging through Fikile’s trash for DNA samples. 

    The time she tried to steal Fikile’s tampon to get her DNA sample 

    Talking about digging through trash, can we also go back to the time Puleng tried to fap Fikile’s used tampon in season one so she could run a DNA test? I mean, smart move doing the DNA thing, but my good sis, trying to steal someone’s tampon is a bit much. Or what do you think? 

    Her love triangle with KB and Wade 

    Puleng must really think she’s Bella Swan from Twilight or something because why was she juggling two fine ass men like it’s nothing? 

    There’s KB, her boyfriend and original love interest from season one, and then there’s Wade, her sidekick who told her multiple times that he liked her. To be honest, everyone is tired of the “not noticing my best friend is in love with me” trope. Even though she ended up with Wade in season two, she still kissed KB in the last episode, turning her relationship map into an actual triangle. Good job, sis.

    The time she slapped Fikile (and her teammate) senseless 

    One thing about Puleng is she’s never going to miss an opportunity to bitch slap someone. She slapped her teammate from her old school after she made the team lose a match. Then, she decked Fikile when she found out her supposed sister was behind the leaked tape of their father’s arrest. 

    Puleng’s slaps are annoying because they land her in trouble every time. But I can’t help but mutter a little “Yasss, bitch” under my breath everytime it happens. 

    RECOMMENDED: #ZikokoSYDHT Presents: A Dramatic Retelling of the Slap That Destroyed a Wig and Rocked Anambra

    Using KB to get an internship someone else deserved 

    This episode in season two confirmed that Puleng was actually written to be an annoying protagonist who would do anything to move the plot forward. Despite having zero interest in law, Puleng manipulated her relationship with KB to get an internship with his dad’s law firm, knowing other deserving students wanted the slot. Did she have a good reason? Yes. But it didn’t make her move any less shitty. 

    The time she tried to prove she wasn’t a drug addict by doing shady drug addict activity

    In season two, when Puleng’s parents suspect she might be using drugs and call a rehab to pick her up, this babe decided to wear a hoodie, pack a bag and steal some money from her brother’s piggy bank (not the app, an actual piggy bank), so she could run away. Like, what was she trying to prove? Because if it was that she was drug-free, then she failed woefully. 

    When she finally revealed her investigation but didn’t drag her parents’ like small gen 

    African parents blaming drugs once their kids breathe different will never be wild to me. After it’s revealed Puleng isn’t a drug addict but a sergeant with Panti police station, she misses out on a wonderful opportunity to drag her parents on behalf of the rest of us. She could’ve at least hissed or rolled her eyes because they deserved small disrespect in that scene. We were rooting for you, Puleng! 

    Going to the hood unsupervised 

    Sometimes I believe Puleng wakes up every morning thinking she’s Lara Croft or an avenger. If she has any superpower or martial arts training we don’t know of, now would be a good time to share with the class. I don’t understand why she dragged Wade to the hood on an investigative trip, but of course, it ended with them being attacked by some bouncer-looking man. Puleng, abeg now. 

    ALSO READ: “Black Panther: Wakanda Forever” Is Great, But Some Things Are Off

  • What would you do if you knew you’d die tomorrow, and everyone was obligated to fulfil all your wishes? This question sets the stage for Netflix’s Elesin Oba: The King’s Horseman, an adaptation of Wole Soyinka’s classic play, Death and the King’s Horseman. 

    While the film’s title character, the Elesin, makes some big mistakes as the story unfolds, we can’t help but wonder about all the things we would do if we had the Abobaku privileges he had. 

    Try all the creamy pasta in Lagos 

    Imagine eating all the creamy pasta you can manage without emptying your bank account and your parents’ pension too? As the Elesin, you can ask all the restaurants to bring the most expensive pasta for food tasting in your house. 

    Have your face on the new naira notes

    Word on the street is Meffy baby and the Central Bank team are launching an arts and craft department to redesign the naira notes out of boredom. Even though the naira faints every two to three days, having your face on it is a good way to be remembered. Just make sure it’s on an important note, like the ₦500 or ₦1k, because the others might go out of circulation soon. 

    Change your university result to a first class 

    It’s never too late to say you graduated from university  with a first class. Do results matter in the afterlife? I highly doubt it. But who cares? You’re still a first class student and that’s on period. 

    Hang out with the Otedolas on their yacht 

    Not everyone gets to hang out with Daddy Cuppy AKA Femi Ote$. For once in your life, you’ll get to eat like, and with, a billionaire. If you ever get tired of rich people gist, you could easily bounce Otedola and invite your friends instead. 

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    Organise a special concert with your faves

    Imagine a music concert featuring Wizkid, Burna Boy, Tiwa Savage and Davido. Not only will it be free, but it’ll also be private, with the artists actually showing up on time and singing live just to honour you. This is what people mean when they say, “Celebration of life”. 

    Demand for the presidential candidates’ real ages

    This one is not for you; it’s for the Nigerian people. How can a politician who’s been in politics since our grandparents were in primary school come out to say he’s just 70 years old? The maths is not mathing. Kindly take one for the team and force these politicians to submit their original birth certificates so we can know who’s who ahead of the elections. 

    Hold a pageant to choose a new spouse 

    Why settle for an average person when you can host a beauty pageant and select the winner as your husband or wife? You only die once, so make the best of your upcoming death. 

    Erect life-like statues in every state

    What’s the difference between an Elesin and a national hero? Nothing. As someone who’s dying for the people, you deserve to have your statue at the entrance of every state in the country, to remind everyone of your sacrifice. 

    Force Elon Musk to verify your Twitter account for free 

    We heard Elon Musk is about to charge people on Twitter to get verified. But as an Elesin, you don’t have to pay anyone $8 for a blue tick. Just tell Elon Musk to make it happen ASAP. 

    Sleep

    Imagine how different Elesin Oba: The King’s Horseman would’ve been if the Elesin had stayed in one place and slept until it was time to die. There’s no use doing anything crazy when you’re literally going to die the next day. Just relax, eat some ice cream and sleep. 

    Elesin Oba: The King’s Horseman is currently streaming on Netflix.

    ALSO READ: Aníkúlápó: 8 Ways You Can Use Saro’s Powers to Solve Your Problems

  • Everyone is talking about Netflix’s From Scratch and how it made them cry. Well, I’m here to testify that I saw it and not one teardrop left my eyeballs. 

    The show follows the ups-and-downs love story of Amy (Zoe Saldana) and Lino (Eugenio Mastrandrea) . I didn’t cry, not because I’m heartless or insensitive, I just have some tricks that helped me get through the show without crying. So if you want to watch the TV show and maintain your street cred like me, here are a couple of things you could do. 

    Don’t watch it 

    You heard a show is making everyone cry, and you thought, “Wow, let me watch it too.” Do you think you have two heads and that’s why you won’t cry? Sorry dear, just watch something like Papa Ajasco and save yourself from the emotional distress waiting for you. 

    Start from the last episode

    If you start watching the show from the last episode, you won’t understand why bad things are happening or how sad the situation is because you don’t really know the characters. You can’t pity someone when you’re only watching their ending and have no idea what the hell is going on and how they got there. 

    Read spoilers online 

    There’s a high chance you won’t cry once you know what happens on the show. Read the plot, episode by episode, on Wikipedia, and then go on Twitter to read everyone’s tweets about it. At least, this way, you know when a character dies or has cancer before you watch the TV show. 

    Cry ahead of time 

    If you cry very well before you watch the show, you’ll definitely run out of tears when the show starts tugging at your emotions. Water can’t come out from an empty well, so empty your eyeballs beforehand. 

    Think about the naira 

    Before you start crying about Amy and Lino’s drama, remember that the naira is currently fighting for its life, and you haven’t started vomiting pounds yet. The only people allowed to cry are those who earn foreign currencies. Better focus on your focus if you’re still earning in Nnamdi Azikiwe and Alvan Ikoku. 

    Watch it with your parents 

    Nigerian parents will never miss an opportunity to make fun of their children, so your parents will probably start laughing at you the moment your tears threathen to fall. This goes without saying that it depends on the parent, because if your parents are softies too, then, omo, all of you might just end up crying together. 

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    Look for something cringe and focus on that

    Am I the only weirdo who finds crying faces funny? I doubt it. The moment there’s a sad scene, I’d advise you to focus on something cringe like a weird-looking wig or how Amy (Zoe Saldana) has a funny cry face. 

    Watch a sadder TV show or film

    To avoid crying while watching From Scratch, you need to watch sadder shows to raise your sadness expectation. By the time you watch When They See Us, Three Idiots or Miracle in Cell No. 7 at least four times, your emotions will be so over the place, you won’t be able to find new tears to cry when you start From Scratch. 

    Don’t binge watch From Scratch

    Most people are crying because they’re watching the whole show in one sitting, so it’s easy to get really invested in the characters. If you don’t want to cry, watch one episode a month so you’ll become emotionally detached by the time all the bad things start happening. 

    Remember it’s just a TV show

    Babes, it’s just a TV show. It’s called make-believe and people are acting. If you think I’m lying, look at Zoe Saldana, the actress playing Amy. Don’t you remember her from Colombiana and Guardians of the Galaxy? Remind yourself that her character isn’t not real and squeeze your face with vim.

    Make the film cry 

    Omo, my job here is to tell you what to do. Information on how to go about itt is above my pay grade. But where there’s a will, there’s a way.

    ALSO READ: Ranked: Nobody Beats These 10 Nollywood Actresses at Crying in Movies

  • Everyone is talking about Kunle Afolayan’s latest Netflix fim, Aníkúlápó and its lead character, Saro, a man who could raise people from the dead. While being able to stroll into a cemetary to summon folks like Michael Jackson in Thriller sounds cool, we can’t help but think of some more pressing Nigerian problems that could benefit from a little revival here and there. 

    Raise your account from the dead 

    This is the first thing you’ll do the moment Akalo, the mystical bird, gives you the power of resurrection. No time to waste, just an immediate japa from poverty to Dangote-level wealth. The funniest part is you probably won’t tell anybody the source of your wealth before they pour sand inside your Ijebu garri. 

    Become a tech bro 

    Every three market days, some tech company comes on Aki and PawPaw’s internet to inform us they’ve raised millions of dollars in funding, and everyone starts running helter-skelter looking for tech jobs. But with Saro’s powers, you won’t have to apply for a tech job. You could just raise your own dollars yourself and replace the likes of Odunayo Eweniyi and Timi Ajiboye as the happening tech bro. 

    Raise the naira from the trenches 

    Remember when it was ₦150 to $1 and we were complaining and asking for ₦1 to $1? Omo, this is a serious case of “had I known” because the way the naira has fallen into the trenches over the past few years can give someone high BP. What’s the point of reviving your bank account if the naira is still swimming in disgrace? Better wake our national currency so that life can go back to normal for everybody. 

    Raise the national grid every time it collapses

    Aren’t you tired of hearing that the national grid has collapsed every three Eke market days? You’ll be out here making plans and the next thing you know,  the national grid will faint and leave you without power until further notice. Enough is enough. The national grid collapsing wouldn’t be a problem if you had Saro’s powers. Think about it. 

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    Invest in bread 

    If there’s one thing Nigerians must eat, it’s bread. The best thing to do the moment you realise you have Saro’s resurrection powers is to buy the first bakery you see. No jokes. Who needs ovens or yeast when you could look at flour and command it to rise just like that? Less manpower, less equipment, but plenty of profits. Do the maths, dear. 

    Raise your boring love life from the dead

    This is for single people struggling to find romance in this tough rainy season. Imagine having the power to summon your love life from the great beyond and not using it? Just be careful so that love and romance will not land you in hot trouble like Saro sha. 

    Raise your bumbum

    Yes, Victony and Burna Boy both told us that bumbum comes in different sizes, but there’s nothing wrong about wanting a bigger bumbum to intimidate your enemies and the internet. The power of resurrection means raising things up, so if you can raise a dead body up, why can’t you raise your bumbum too? Common sense. 

    Raise Nigeria from the ghetto 

    We don’t even have to do too much explaining when it comes to this one. The proof is in the akamu. If your Saro powers don’t work here, you can join us in putting Nigeria inside raw rice. Hopefully, we can restore our country’s factory settings together.

    Kunle Afolayan’s Anikulapo is currently streaming on Netflix. 

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