Is your man really in love with you if he doesn’t burst into tears as you walk down the aisle? The answer is no, obviously. So here are 11 things you can do to make your groom cry on your wedding day.
Find people to beat him
If he can’t cry on his own, he clearly deserves beating. Get one or two guys to “pay him a visit” the night before the wedding. And then make sure they’re invited to the wedding, so whenever he looks round the hall and sees them, he’s reminded of the terror.
Leave him at the altar
Wait until they ask you if you take him as your lawfully wedded husband, then sprint out of the venue. While he’s devastated, thinking of what went wrong, he’ll start tearing up. Make sure you hide somewhere close sha, and the moment you see him crying, you can start walking back down the aisle. Just tell him you had to pee or something.
Cheat on him the day before
You could do it the day before or even earlier. Find his best man and hook up with him. If your husband loves you, he’ll forgive you. Because what’s love without a bit of forgiveness?
Put aboniki in his handkerchief
You’d need to work with his best man for this one. Just add a lirru bit of aboniki to his handkerchief and plan with the event centre to turn off the air conditioner 20 minutes before you come in. He’ll have no other option but to wipe his face, no?
Tell him you’re pregnant
Whether he’ll cry tears of joy or anguish and sorrow entirely depends on him. Your own is that he must cry.
Invite all his side chicks
Get a room and invite all his exes, sneakily links, side pieces and work wives. He’ll start crying when he sees them because he’s reminded of all the fun memories he had as a single man.
Call him the wrong name
For more effect, call him the name of one of your exes — or even his best man. You won’t even need to tell him to start crying.
Marry someone else
The aim is for you to make your man cry on “your” wedding day. Nobody says he has to be the one you’re getting married to.
Slap him while he reads his vows
The violent take it by force. So, trust us, it works.
Wear his club jersey
If there’s anything we know, it’s that men are in a toxic relationship with their football clubs. No matter how often they complain that the club is trying to end their lives, they stay loyal. So ditch your white wedding dress and just go in their club jersey. They’ll either cry because they think it’s a sweet gesture or because it’s giving them PTSD from all their betting slips that cut, FPL formations that got ruined and all the banter the club made them suffer.
Before you finish trying all these things, call your partner aside and beg them not to disgrace you. Even if it’s one small tear, they should cry it and put your haters to shame.
FOLLOW IT UP: How to Make a Man Cry in Bed