Get in here, guys. We’re leaving the trenches behind.
Everyone can’t stop talking about Inkblot Productions and Netflix’s new show, Far From Home, and we totally get it. The young-adult series created by Chinaza Onuzo follows Ishaya Bello, a poor boy from Isale Eko who’s down to do anything to japa from the trenches and become a superstar artist.
If just like Ishaya you’re tired of living in severe sapa, then this article is for you. Here’s a list of the easiest ways to make bastard money and escape the trenches before 2023. Take notes.
Don’t be born a Nigerian
Everyone in Nigeria is in the trenches and the last time we checked, you don’t have two heads. Your problem started the day you were born Nigerian. When next you’re choosing to be born, please and please, ask the angel to redeploy you somewhere else. Don’t choose +234 for your own good.
Be born rich
If you mistakenly end up being born into a Nigerian family, the least you can do is make sure it’s a rich one. See, if your parents are poor, today is a good day to disown them and look for new ones. No hard feelings. They’ll support your decision if they truly want the best for you.
Enter the oil and gas business
If Otedola can make money from oil and gas, what’s stopping you from becoming a billionaire too. All you need to do is start selling cooking gas and then small palm oil or vegetable oil on the side. See how simple it is? And to think everyone makes oil and gas sound like some exclusive big boys club. Don’t worry, I’ve hacked it for you.
Please, fast and pray
Ishaya did everything but fast and pray. How do you want to escape the trenches when you’re not a prayer warrior? What God cannot do does not exist.
Try a lirru bit of kidnapping
Everyone knows streets aren’t safe during the ember months, so how about using that to your advantage by stepping into your kidnapping bag. With all the IJGBs everywhere, after two or three kidnapping adventures, who knows, you might be buying a house in Banana Island by January.
Become an artist
Note how I didn’t ask you to learn how to draw or paint? I said, “Become an artist” because there’s levels when it comes to this art thing — talent is one thing, while packaging is another thing. People that just draw and paint are still in the trenches like Ishaya’s father, but you see “artists”? Omo, those ones are like Essien, touring the world and cashing checks.
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Manifest Dangote’s money into your account
Why spend all your time working for money when you can just manifest Dangote’s money into your account? This is what we mean by working smarter, not harder. Dangote has done all the work, so just go out into the rain or light candles and manifest everyday until your account balance increases.
Become a sugar baby
Falling in love is a great feeling. But you know what feels better, and could help you leave the trenches? Finding a glucose guardian that has bastard money. You might have to give some sugar here and there like Adufe on Far From Home, but at least you won’t have to choose between warming the beans from yesterday or drinking garri without milk and sugar.
Shakespeare Davido once said, “Love is sweet o, but when money enter, love is sweeter.”
Create your own currency
If CBN can use Snapchat filters to design Nigeria’s currency, who says you can’t make your own currency? All you need is ink and plenty of A4 paper. Good luck!
Plan a dinner with Jay Z
Everyone on Twitter is always talking about how dinner with Jay Z is more valuable than $1m, and they’re not wrong. You don’t need money to be bastardly rich and escape the trenches; you need little nuggets of wisdom from Beyoncé’s husband.