10 Things To Know Before Going To A Lagos Restaurant

November 14, 2021

Every three months, a Lagos restaurant gets dragged. Do you want to hear the truth? We should make it a weekly thing until they change their ways. You people are still being tricked by the aesthetics, and we are here to tell you to open your eyes. OPEN YOUR EYES.

If you must eat at a Lagos restaurant, you need to know these things:

1. First of all, eat small rice before you leave your house.

Because whatever they serve you at a Lagos restaurant will never satisfy you. Even if you order a whole platter, your stomach will still be empty. Do you know why? It’s because 50% of your order is for aesthetics. Your actual hunger is not their business.

2. Carry your own water with you.

A Passenger Asked For a Glass of Water On A Flight. What He Received Was  Not the Sort of Water He Had In Mind | Inc.com

One day, Lagos restaurant owners will answer for their unarmed robbery. How can you sell a bottle of 50cl water for ₦500? Water that they are selling for ₦100 on the streets. Water that God gave us freely. Anyway, maybe if you are a tech bro or babe and you have ₦500 to spend on water, you can buy there. If not, please fill your Ragolis bottle and tuck it in your handbag or pocket before entering any Lagos restaurant. Save your money. #FinancialTipsByZikoko

3. If you see any restaurant with “La” in its name, just run.

run-running_fsolg9 | Zikoko!

A Lagos restaurant with La in its name? Nna ehn, please La-run, cause they will serve you La-YamaYama and La-Overcharge you. La-GodForbid, abeg.

4. If you have plans to eat by 8pm, get there by 6pm, but order by 5:30pm.

I don’t know how you will do it, but it must be done. Otherwise, you will sit for almost 2 hours waiting for the order they told you will be ready in 30 minutes. It’s almost as if they run to the market to buy yam and goat meat immediately after you place your order. So while you’re thinking that your fries are being thawed, the cook is actually begging the market woman to cut remove ₦500 from the price of Irish potatoes.

8 Signs That You're Now Like Your Nigerian Mother | Zikoko!
A Lagos restaurant chef at Oyingbo market while the cusomer waits for the Skelewu Parmesan Jollof Rice they ordered.

5. Please and please, ask them to bring ice and drink in separate glasses.

Ice Glass Pictures | Download Free Images on Unsplash

Lagos restaurants will serve you 80% ice cubes and 20% Chivita juice for a drink they call “Tropicana Deliciousa Frapapa” and sell for N3,500. One sip and emptiness is staring at you from the glass. Please, that scam is enough. If you will be drinking Chivita, at least it should be one full glass. Don’t back down. If they refuse to do it that way, leave. They will call you back to beg you. Tweet at us if they don’t call you back.

6. If they have plants, either fake or real, please run.

Cute Artificial Plants - Angela Rose Home

Those ones will rob you but make it natural, as per green and nature vibes. Shina Rambo and Anini, but with climate change and healthy lifestyle as their watchword.

7. If you have dinner plans for 9pm, eat bread and beans by 12pm in the afternoon and start drinking water ahead.

This one is because we love you and your wallet. If you can eat a healthy portion of bread and beans in your house by noon, hunger won’t smell your side till later that night. Which will help you if you’re planning to be at a Lagos restaurant at night.

8. Expect the lights to go off at some point.

16 Signs You're Not The Bad Bitch You Think You Are | Zikoko!

Is it a Lagos restaurant if NEPA does not display their true colours? Just pray the restaurant does not use darkness as their aesthetics, or you will be sitting in the dark until NEPA brings back the light. And if you’re lucky, they can light a few candles for you, and you will then have to tell your date that candlelit dinner was the plan all along.

9. Appetize yourself before leaving home.

Appetize oh. APPETIZE. Or you’ll eat have to order an appetizer that costs N8,000. It wouldn’t be a bad thing if the appetizers made sense, but three measly wings with fries that don’t even look happy to be there? What is appetizing about that?

10. You’ll spend almost N10,000 to go back home.

7 Things You Should Be Warned About Before You Travel Abroad | Zikoko!

There will be a surge, of course. Only God knows if it’s ghosts that are ordering these rides and causing the surge. But that’s for another day. My own is, please plan well. Imagine spending almost N30k to visit a hot restaurant with expensive food and then getting stuck in traffic when you could eat the rice you have at home and reduce your chances of back pain? You are getting older oh, better learn to love your home more.

15 Hilarious Tweets About Horrible Nigerian Restaurant Experiences

The Zikoko Guide To Opening A Restaurant In Lagos | Zikoko!
Zikoko Donation Banner

Help Zikoko keep making the content you love

More than ever, people are turning to Zikoko for stories that matter and content they love. But still, we, like many media organisations, are feeling the financial heat of these times. If you find us valuable, please make a contribution to help keep Zikoko zikoko-ing.

Thank you for your support.

We are also cool with Crypto.

Donation Close
Zikoko Logo

Complete Your Commitment

Donation confirm

Your Contribution is confirmed! Amount

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

September 7, 2020

The food business in Nigeria is steady booming, and it should because Nigerian food is amazing. But I can’t help but think about some foods that are obviously taking advantage of this and scamming us. I’ll call them out. 1. Nkwobi If you approach a “plate” of Nkwobi for the first time thinking you’ll get […]


Now on Zikoko

Recommended Quizzes

June 14, 2020

Have you ever been with someone so horrible that you swore to never date again? Yes? Well, do you know that one or more of your exes probably feels the same way about you? You never thought about that, huh? Thankfully, this quiz is here to let you know just how much of a hassle […]

November 20, 2019

Last month, we thoughtfully made a quiz telling you guys exactly when you’ll marry, but some of you claimed that your spouse was nowhere to be found. Well, now we’ve created one that’ll tell you exactly who you’ll be dragging down that aisle. Take and start planning that wedding: 11 Quizzes For Nigerians Who Are […]

April 14, 2020

Every friend group consists of very different and specific characters — from the parent to the fun one — and it can be a little tough figuring out where you fall. So, we’ve created a quiz that lets you know exactly what kind of friend you are. Take to find out:

December 5, 2019

We already tried to guess how much you have in your account and your current net worth, and we think we did a pretty great job (keep any complaints to yourself). Now, we’re going to try and guess your monthly salary based on your relationship with money. Oya, take the quiz: 11 Timed Quizzes For […]

April 3, 2020

While the rest of the world loves to treat our continent like a country, there are actually 54 African countries. So, in a bid to test your knowledge (and educate you), we’ve created a quiz to see how many of their capitals you can correctly name. Go ahead:

November 11, 2019

Today, we are going to be using your taste in music to determine how good you actually are in bed. All you need to do is create the ultimate Nigerian hit — from the lead artist to the producer — and we’ll tell you if all your partners leave satisfied, or if you are just […]

More from Chopist


Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.