Whether you want to call it spooky season because of Halloween, or ember month because you’re Nigerian, all I know is we’ve officially entered that time of the year when everyone has to be vigilant to avoid stories that touch.
With the naira in the poteaux-poteaux and election season approaching, I’ve decided to consult the oracle (Old Nollywood) for some tips on how to stay safe and keep your head on your neck.
Don’t marry or date broke men
Professor Olamide wasn’t playing when he said, “Ma lo fe broke nigga. Fight for your life.” Half of the wives who’ve been used for rituals in films like Billionaire’s Club and the original Living in Bondage married broke men with “potential”. Nigeria is hard enough. Don’t allow love and small romance cost you your life. Avoid broke men today.
Don’t marry a rich guy who’s into “business”
What happened to marrying a doctor, lawyer, SoundCloud rapper or tech bro? According to Nollywood, once a man is into “business” without any direct explanation of what the business is, there’s a high chance he’s into rituals. Avoid men like this with all your power and might before they pound you and your baby like fresh yam.
Don’t follow your dad out at night
If only the little girl in Living in Bondage: Breaking Free had said no when her dad took her for a drive at night, who knows, she might be alive today. So the next time your dad asks you to escort him somewhere past 7 p.m., kindly tell him only wayward people go out at night and you’re not wayward. What’s the worst thing that can happen? Small disowning?
Don’t go for parties with campus big girls
Remember when Funke Akindele’s character, Suliat, in Jenifa followed the big girls on campus for an all-night party, and they almost used her head as asun for evil spirits? Now that ASUU has called off strike in time for spooky season, I’ll advise that you stay in your hostel and focus on your education. Even if you want to go to a party, go to one with dead babes and boring guys.
Don’t sleep at night
To safeguard your life, I’d advise you stay awake all night so when the nonsense special effects juju appears in your room you can give it a dirty slap. It’s only people who sleep that witches kidnap in the middle of the night. Gbera!
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Become a prayer warrior
Nollywood has shown us there’s nothing a little casting and binding can’t solve. So to keep your head, you need to have it anointed. Join a bible believing church today, or better still, just become a pastor. Amen?
Don’t eat food outside
Just in case you have a coconut head and completely ignored all your mum has taught you since birth, if you didn’t cook the food with your two hands, don’t eat it. The streets are dangerous now, and nobody can be trusted. Don’t allow ojukokoro be the cause of your downfall.
Become a babalawo
No one can use you for rituals when you’re the person wearing the feathers and red wrapper. It’s common sense.
Don’t leave your house, period!
If you sit in your house and mind your business, tell me how someone will think to use you for rituals. It’s who they see outside that’ll end up in calabashes. So stay in one place this spooky season before you “we outside” yourself into a babalawo’s shrine.