Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today, I’ll be recapping the 1998 Nollywood horror film “Diamond Ring.”
This poster lives in my mind rent-free because there’s no scene like this in the movie.
Anyone who knows me knows that I am OBSESSED with ‘Diamond Ring.’ What they don’t know, however, is why that is. Seeing as I’m an adult now and nobody can beat me, I’m just going to come out and say it.
I have a huge crush on Ghost Liz Benson.
Let’s just get into the movie.
The movie starts with Ghost Liz Benson sitting in a cloud and announcing her plans to fuck up the lives of some humans because they’ve refused to let her sleep. She’s says a lot of things but here’s the gist of it.
The “junior secondary school CRK teacher wig and Tony Montana powder” combo is KILLING ME.
The movie cuts to a university dorm room and we meet the protagonist, Chidi (played by a babyfaced Teju Babyface). Chidi has a fever or some shit and his roommates are wiping his head with a wet cloth like they’re cleaning dirty furniture.
Because the school clinic can’t figure out what’s wrong with him, Chidi is sent home so his family doctor can take a crack at it. That’s when we meet his super-rich parents, Dike and Ijeoma (played by Richard Mofe-Damijo and Sola Sobowale).
I had to pause the movie here to scream because of how overwhelmed I was by the colour-scheme of RMD’s outfit.
The doctor tells them he can’t find anything wrong with Chidi. He says that it’s most likely school stress taking its toll and then says this stupid shit…
…while Chidi just lies in the corner and is like:
Months pass and Chidi doesn’t get better. Chidi’s aunty (played by the late Bukky Ajayi) returns to the house from…somewhere. She walks into the living room and greets everyone with the Igbo word:
And it occurred to me right then that the makers of this movie really cast a group of Yoruba people (Delta in RMD’s case) to unconvincingly play an Igbo family for some reason. Why not just have the family be Yoruba? WHAT WAS THE REASON??
After taking one look at Chidi, Aunty (they never even bothered to give her a name) says that the source of his illness is spiritual but refuses to say what exactly Chidi did to bring this upon himself.
Which is very convenient in this case but whatever I guess.
Dike tells her to quit playing and spill the tea but she says that if she spills before Chidi does, Chidi will drop dead. Ijeoma spends the duration of this conversation punctuating every reveal with one of these:
Which every Nigerian knows is a sign of the Yoruba jumping out.
Dike threatens to whoop Chidi’s ass for refusing to confess and then we’re hit with a flashback out of no-fucking-where. The barely-legible text on the screen just says:
Beginning of when? TIME?? This is NOT how you pull a ‘Memento’ with your movie’s timeline.
Chidi is prepping to go off to Unilag and Dike is bitching because the school requires parents to come sign an undertaking promising that their kids will behave right. On Chidi’s first night in uni, he goes for a party, meets a girl named Bimbo (played by Bimbo Akintola), and befriends a cultist named Lami, who also happens to be his roommate. Chidi and Lami have a conversation that goes like this:
Lami tells Chidi that a lecturer named Mr Bright has been sexually assaulting Bimbo. Chidi asks Bimbo about it and she denies but later confesses. When nothing changes after reporting to the VC, Chidi decides to join the cult so he can protect Bimbo. His first cult task is to wreck Mr Bright’s office and leave a message:
“YASSSS! FUCK THAT NIGGA UP!!!” – Me, watching this scene.
The plan works and Mr Bright stops being an unfortunate bastard. Chidi is informed of his next cult task offscreen and is shown telling the cult’s leader, Don, that he doesn’t want to do it because it’s gross. Don replies with this:
And Chidi is like:
We find out in the next scene that Chidi’s second task is grave-robbing. The cult breaks into a cemetery and go into the tomb of a rich dead woman played by Liz Benson. (Her name is never revealed.)
They swipe all the valuables she was buried with, including the eponymous diamond ring. Chidi is horrified by this and leaves to go wait for them outside. Not long after, they hear the sounds of people approaching, assume it’s the police, and make off with as much booty as they can.
However, it’s just another group of grave robbers who show up, see the looted tomb, and become pissed that other people beat them to it.
Even though Chidi failed his second test, he’s still initiated into the cult by Don because of how rich Chidi’s father is. Don even gives Chidi the diamond ring while sharing the things they stole from dead Liz Benson. This angers the cult’s deputy leader, Gus, and it causes chaos within the cult, leading to many of the cult’s members being killed.
This made me sad because Don was my favourite character. Don’t ask why.
Meanwhile, Chidi has sold the ring and used the money to buy a car for Bimbo. She suspects that he’s joined a cult and asks him about it but he denies. Not long after, he comes down with an unidentified illness. Then the long as hell flashback finally ends and we’re returned to the present.
If you thought ‘Inception’ was confusing, I dare you to tackle the insane timeline of ‘Diamond Ring.’
In the present, Chidi’s sack of tribulations gets heavier when he learns that Lami and Bimbo have been involved in an accident. He’s told that Lami died on the spot and Bimbo is alive but in need of N20,000 for blood. So he steals money from his dad’s home stash.
Chidi gets the money to the hospital but before the blood arrives, Bimbo dies in his arms. Almost on cue, the guy who was sent to buy the blood walks in HOLDING THE BAG IN HIS HANDS.
I’m sorry but LMFAOOOOOOOOOO!
Chidi returns home and finally confesses. Before his father can whoop his ass, his mother faints and the lights start to flicker.
And Ghost Liz Benson appears in all her glory!
Turns out she was behind everything (Chidi’s illness, Bimbo’s accident, the cult’s infighting etc). She gives them 8 days to return her diamond bling or face her wrath and then disappears. Dike asks Chidi where the ring is and Chidi reveals he sold it to a building contractor who has left the country.
The movie ends with a shot of Dike resisting the urge to tackle his sick son to the ground. Then we get this:
CLICK THE LINK TO READ MY RECAP OF THE SECOND MOVIE.
Check back every Friday for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.
Click here to read other entries in the So You Don’t Have To series.
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