Everyone is talking about Kunle Afolayan’s latest Netflix fim, Aníkúlápó and its lead character, Saro, a man who could raise people from the dead. While being able to stroll into a cemetary to summon folks like Michael Jackson in Thriller sounds cool, we can’t help but think of some more pressing Nigerian problems that could benefit from a little revival here and there.
Raise your account from the dead
This is the first thing you’ll do the moment Akalo, the mystical bird, gives you the power of resurrection. No time to waste, just an immediate japa from poverty to Dangote-level wealth. The funniest part is you probably won’t tell anybody the source of your wealth before they pour sand inside your Ijebu garri.
Become a tech bro
Every three market days, some tech company comes on Aki and PawPaw’s internet to inform us they’ve raised millions of dollars in funding, and everyone starts running helter-skelter looking for tech jobs. But with Saro’s powers, you won’t have to apply for a tech job. You could just raise your own dollars yourself and replace the likes of Odunayo Eweniyi and Timi Ajiboye as the happening tech bro.
Raise the naira from the trenches
Remember when it was ₦150 to $1 and we were complaining and asking for ₦1 to $1? Omo, this is a serious case of “had I known” because the way the naira has fallen into the trenches over the past few years can give someone high BP. What’s the point of reviving your bank account if the naira is still swimming in disgrace? Better wake our national currency so that life can go back to normal for everybody.
Raise the national grid every time it collapses
Aren’t you tired of hearing that the national grid has collapsed every three Eke market days? You’ll be out here making plans and the next thing you know, the national grid will faint and leave you without power until further notice. Enough is enough. The national grid collapsing wouldn’t be a problem if you had Saro’s powers. Think about it.
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Invest in bread
If there’s one thing Nigerians must eat, it’s bread. The best thing to do the moment you realise you have Saro’s resurrection powers is to buy the first bakery you see. No jokes. Who needs ovens or yeast when you could look at flour and command it to rise just like that? Less manpower, less equipment, but plenty of profits. Do the maths, dear.
Raise your boring love life from the dead
This is for single people struggling to find romance in this tough rainy season. Imagine having the power to summon your love life from the great beyond and not using it? Just be careful so that love and romance will not land you in hot trouble like Saro sha.
Raise your bumbum
Yes, Victony and Burna Boy both told us that bumbum comes in different sizes, but there’s nothing wrong about wanting a bigger bumbum to intimidate your enemies and the internet. The power of resurrection means raising things up, so if you can raise a dead body up, why can’t you raise your bumbum too? Common sense.
Raise Nigeria from the ghetto
We don’t even have to do too much explaining when it comes to this one. The proof is in the akamu. If your Saro powers don’t work here, you can join us in putting Nigeria inside raw rice. Hopefully, we can restore our country’s factory settings together.
Kunle Afolayan’s Anikulapo is currently streaming on Netflix.