Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
If you’re here for the backstory as to why the slap happened, you’ve missed road. I’m here to tell my version of events.
17th of March, 2022.
The time is 11 am and because Nigeria is hell, I don’t have power. I’m hard at work pretending to like my neighbour so she can let me charge her devices in her house, after a lot of small talk, I succeed. As I settle down to work, I see it; the tweet that’s going to send me down the rabbit hole.
My first reaction to this news is this:
So I went and found out the tea.
*insert law and order sound*
It’s a hot summer’s (?) day. Chukwuma Soludo’s inauguration as the new governor of Anambra state is ongoing, and it’s as boring as you can imagine. A bunch of old people take turns at a podium reading speeches even they don’t give a shit about. All the people present are praying for the event to end so they can get back to whatever it is Nigerian politicians do when Ebelechukwu Obiano, the wife of the outgoing governor of Anambra (Wille Obiano) spots her archnemesis, Bianca Ojukwu, sitting across from her and decides to inject some much-needed excitement into the event’s proceedings.
Ebelechuckwu gets up from her seat and swings her arms dramatically as she sashays across the inauguration venue towards Bianca Ojukwu, wife of the late Emeka Odumegwu-Ojukwu. With the insane sleeves of her pink frilly dress billowing in the wind, Ebelechukwu isn’t moving with the body language of a person with violence on her mind so what happens next shocks everyone.
And with that, Bianca gracefully stands up and slaps Ebelechuckwu across the face so hard, it shifts Ebelechuckwu’s wig to the middle of her head.
The slap is thunderous. Legend has it that if you listen hard enough, you can still hear the innocent onlookers scream:
Ebelechukwu tries to retaliate with a slap of her own but doesn’t get the chance. Security agents have already gotten in between them. When Ebelechukwu thinks about how she has brought about her own embarrassment on national TV, creating a shameful moment that will live on the internet forever — a moment that wouldn’t have happened if she had just sat down and eaten her food, she is FUCKING FURIOUS. What she does next is probably all she can think of to save face. Across the sea of people between them, she looks at Bianca and yells:
The cast of the Real Housewives of Lagos better be taking notes. This is the type of chaos we expect from them.