5 People You Can Use For Blood Money According To Nollywood

November 17, 2021

If you’re a Nigerian living in Nigeria, we don’t need to tell you that times are hard.  Working for our daily “N2k” used to be enough but with the way the Naira’s value keeps somersaulting up and down, N2k doesn’t cut it anymore.. Inspired by some of our favorite occult Nollywood movies, we’ve compiled a list of tested and trusted people you can use for blood money when poverty starts to  choke you. Remember, this is based on old Nollywood, we have zero experience. 

Your First Wife 

This wife is probably the one you truly love. You know, the one you used to chase around a tree while singing Westlife songs? Yes.  Tony Umez did it in “Billionaire’s Club” and look how much money he made! Granted, she might haunt you for as long as you live, but what’s a little haunting to a truckload of hard currency?  When the sacrifice is done and the credit alert hits, marry a new wife to help you spend the money on exorbitant trips abroad..

Your Younger Brother

Nigerians always claim to know someone in their village who just happens to be richer than Bill Gates. Do you want to make this local champions Forbes list? Then it’s time for your younger brother to join the hosts of heaven or hell (wherever he goes is up to him). The ball in your court, Lebron. Do the needful.

Your First Born

This right here is a classic! We don’t even have to cite old Nollywood. Just look at Abraham, who was willing to stab and roast his little boy in the Bible. If you want an example that’s “closer to home,” binge watch  films featuring Kanayo O. Kanayo and Clem Ohameze. You’ll learn a few things about this. 

Bonus point: according to Nollywood, the worst thing a dead baby can do while haunting you is cry constantly at night. Thankfully technology has given us noise cancellation headphones. 

Your Mother

Compiling this list, we came to the conclusion that old Nollywood was deeply misogynistic. Why was it only men that made these sacrifices?  Why wasn’t anyone sacrificing their father? Anyways, our views aside, giving up your mum the way Zack Orji did in “Blood Money” is a surefire way to constant credit alerts, with a sprinkle of madness. 

Yourself

We’re sure you didn’t see this coming.  If you’re willing to let all these people die, you must be ready to expire like fried rice. According to old Nollywood, how this works is that you make a deal to be rich for a certain number of years just so you can die on a super dramatic birthday, like your 40th or 50th. This definitely gives a new meaning to “enjoy your youth while it lasts.”

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

April 19, 2020

Before the fame (and the slay), a lot of our celebrities were just like you. Now that things have changed for good, we can look at these pictures and marvel at how much change has occurred. And we can hope too, you know? Hope and pray that God of transformation who entered their matter will […]

Watch

Now on Zikoko

November 27, 2022

My Bro is a biweekly Zikoko series that interrogates and celebrates male friendships of different forms. Adnan and Michael didn’t like themselves when they met at a job orientation four years ago — one was very serious, while the other just couldn’t be bothered about anything. Despite their differences, the two have become best friends, […]

November 27, 2022

It seems like Nigerians aren’t the only ones concerned about the 2023 elections, even our colonisers have taken some interest as well. Considering that our immigration rate to the United Kingdom has increased to 64% in one year, it’s not exactly surprising. The British High Commissioner to Nigeria, Catriona Laing, has warned all political parties […]

Recommended Quizzes

What are you like in a relationship?
February 7, 2020

Your taste in music can say a lot about you, and this time, it’s going to reveal what you are like in a relationship. So, pick a few of your favourite Nigerian love songs, and we’ll let you know if you’re typically a distant, passionate or unbothered partner. Here you go:

November 12, 2019

Are you a single pringle, stuck in a complicated situationship or happily married to the love of your life? This quiz is here to guess your current relationship status, and as you know, Zikoko quizzes are incredibly accurate (don’t quote us). So, give a shot:

November 22, 2019

It can be very stressful when you’re trying to find the love of your life, but you only keep meeting people that are exactly like your yeye ex. To help you be more aware of that problem, we’ve created a quiz that lets you know the kind of people you are attracting. Take it to […]

how tall are you
March 11, 2020

Did your parents give you enough beans when you were growing up? If they did, then you’re probably around 6’0″ and above. Either way, we created a quiz that can guess your current height (pretty accurately, if we do say so ourselves). Take to see if we nailed it:

More from Pop

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

September 13, 2022
Vs The World is a Zikoko original video series that follows best friends Astor and Hassan as they take on the world.
August 23, 2022
Zikoko Ships is a Zikoko Original series where we invite two people who share a relationship to play the Zikoko card games
December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X