If you’re a Nigerian living in Nigeria, we don’t need to tell you that times are hard. Working for our daily “N2k” used to be enough but with the way the Naira’s value keeps somersaulting up and down, N2k doesn’t cut it anymore.. Inspired by some of our favorite occult Nollywood movies, we’ve compiled a list of tested and trusted people you can use for blood money when poverty starts to choke you. Remember, this is based on old Nollywood, we have zero experience.
Your First Wife
This wife is probably the one you truly love. You know, the one you used to chase around a tree while singing Westlife songs? Yes. Tony Umez did it in “Billionaire’s Club” and look how much money he made! Granted, she might haunt you for as long as you live, but what’s a little haunting to a truckload of hard currency? When the sacrifice is done and the credit alert hits, marry a new wife to help you spend the money on exorbitant trips abroad..
Your Younger Brother
Nigerians always claim to know someone in their village who just happens to be richer than Bill Gates. Do you want to make this local champions Forbes list? Then it’s time for your younger brother to join the hosts of heaven or hell (wherever he goes is up to him). The ball in your court, Lebron. Do the needful.
Your First Born
This right here is a classic! We don’t even have to cite old Nollywood. Just look at Abraham, who was willing to stab and roast his little boy in the Bible. If you want an example that’s “closer to home,” binge watch films featuring Kanayo O. Kanayo and Clem Ohameze. You’ll learn a few things about this.
Bonus point: according to Nollywood, the worst thing a dead baby can do while haunting you is cry constantly at night. Thankfully technology has given us noise cancellation headphones.
Compiling this list, we came to the conclusion that old Nollywood was deeply misogynistic. Why was it only men that made these sacrifices? Why wasn’t anyone sacrificing their father? Anyways, our views aside, giving up your mum the way Zack Orji did in “Blood Money” is a surefire way to constant credit alerts, with a sprinkle of madness.
We’re sure you didn’t see this coming. If you’re willing to let all these people die, you must be ready to expire like fried rice. According to old Nollywood, how this works is that you make a deal to be rich for a certain number of years just so you can die on a super dramatic birthday, like your 40th or 50th. This definitely gives a new meaning to “enjoy your youth while it lasts.”