Jokes | Page 2 of 3

People of all ages understand what it feels like to be constantly asked “when will you marry?” especially when they have crossed a certain age.

We’ve put together a list of perfect responses to give when asked: “When will you marry?”

1. “When you stop asking me”

Let them know they are the ones tying your destiny and preventing you from getting married since they won’t stop asking you the question. The day they stop asking you the same question is the day you’ll get married.

2. “God will do it for you”

Confuse them. Let them go to bed that night wondering what God is supposed to do for them. If they won’t mind their own business, you’ll mind it for them and take it to God on their behalf.

3. “I don’t want my life to be like yours”

To be fair, this isn’t actually an insult, it’s an honest reply. You simply don’t want your life to be like theirs. It’s a nicer way of telling them to go and work on themselves.

4. “Any money wey I get now, na for enjoyment, no worry about my future”

Definitely not the answer they expected, but it’s the answer they deserve. Let everybody face their front and focus on the thing that’s bothering them the most.

5. “Are you jealous of me?”

It’s only jealousy that can make anyone invested in your singleness. They can only imagine that life and they want to have it too, but can’t tell you.

6. “Let’s trade places”

Tell them to give up their marriage for you since they care so much about your singleness. You’ll be shocked sha because some people are going to willingly trade places with you.

7. “Crazy things are happenings”

Them asking you “when will you marry?” is crazy thing number 1, your singleness is crazy thing number 2. No one knows which of these things is crazier than the other but crazy things are happening nonetheless.
Memes are a very effective way to communicate how you feel without using words. There’s no one you’ll send you’ll send a meme to who won’t understand what you are saying, except, of course, they are a millennial or baby boomer.

Here are a couple of memes to send to your boss when you need a raise.

1. The “why are you doing this to me” meme.

If your boss sees this meme and doesn’t know you are starving; that boss is wicked. This meme is a cry for your help, but your desperation isn’t jumping out nonetheless. You are begging for that raise, but you aren’t desperate.

2. The “laughs maliciously” meme.

Send this meme when they make jokes on Slack or any of the group chats you are both in. Let your boss know you are malicious of their salary and how rich they are and you want the same for yourself.

3. The “your money is safe with me” meme.

Only send this meme when you are putting minimal effort into your job, but you want plenty of money regardless of the quality of your work. Encourage your employer to take a chance with you.

4. The “I’ve taken this matter to Babalawo” meme.

This will let them know it’s above you now and whatever happens to them is none of your business. You have done your bit, it’s time for them to do theirs.

If you’re into memes, check out this mind-blowing Nigerian meme site we created. Click Here

5. The “I’ve taken matters into my hands and I command you to give me a raise” meme.

Send this to your boss first thing in the morning, make sure it’s the first thing they wake up to. If they don’t have you on their mind all through the day, come to our office to fight with us.

6. The “My God is going to deal with you” meme.

This meme has to be sent with a little message, something like “me, praying about a raise” so your employer won’t just open the meme and laugh. Let them know you’ve taken their matter to God.

7. This meme is self-explanatory.

Send them this meme every day for a week and you’ll be sure to get a raise. You are clearly begging your boss because your life depends on it.

8. The “I’m not one to be messed with” memes.

Let that employer know you are the one to be played with and you’ve said what you said about wanting a raise. Of course, they’ll tremble when they see this meme and give you a raise before the day is over.
Your parents definitely warned you about eating in places you aren’t sure of, but did you listen? Anyway, we are here to continue the work your parents started, and we hope you listen this time before you go and eat food that they have poisoned.

1. The food is too sweet.

Any meal you eat that’s too sweet and seems like it has been prepared by a top chef has most likely been poisoned. They made the food too sweet so you won’t taste the poison and know about their deadly plan. Abort mission after eating one bite.

2. The food is not sweet.

Anyone who cooks food for you that is not sweet clearly hates you. The effort into poisoning you was so minimal. You need to throw the food away and report the person to the police immediately.

3. The waiter served the food with a smile on their face.

Your first question should be, “Why does this waiter enjoy their job so much that they are smiling?” Any waiter that’s too friendly is working with the restaurant to give their customers poisoned food.

4. The waiter didn’t serve the food with a smile on their face.

Once the waiter is frowning, you should already know the waiter hates their job and their life, now imagine how the cook feels? They are probably even more stressed out and won’t hesitate to add a few drops of poison to customers’ food.

5. The food is expensive.

These ones are disguising o! They don’t want you to know you are using your money to buy something made to harm you so they kuku made it expensive.

6. The food is cheap.

Prices of foodstuffs have gone up, so why is a restaurant selling food so cheap if they aren’t using their customers for money rituals? You sef, fink about it. It’s sus and they should be reported to EFCC, NDLEA and NAFDAC.

7. They served the food in fine china.

They only served you in fine china, so you won’t know the evil they are plotting. We have to give these ones extra credit because they tried. They want to take you out in style. A for effort!

8. They served the food in ugly plates.

Isn’t this obvious? They are serving you with a plate that’s not fit for kings and queens because they hate you.

9. The food is plenty.

This meal and the delicious meal are in the same group chat. Whoever serves you a lot of food wants to effortlessly show you pepper. They either want you to deal with indigestion or have food poisoning. Reject that meal today.

10. The food is not plenty.

Imagine how potent the poison has to be for them to serve you such a small portion of food. Everyone involved in the production of that meal should be handed over to the police smh.

11. The food was cooked by someone you don’t know.

It is never wise to eat a meal cooked by someone you don’t know. They could have poisoned you because of something you did 10 years ago and do not remember.

Maybe you should cook your own food yourself and stop doing ojukokoro all over the place smh!
Being a bad bitch is gender non-binary and anyone can be a bad bitch, so rest your mind. All you need to do is follow our super easy tips and you’d be a bad bitch before the week is over.

1. Eat only pasta.

Pasta was made specifically for baddies; it’s the unspoken secret meal that opens the pathway to your bad bitch supernatural abilities. Don’t make the mistake of cooking the pasta yourself, you have to buy it and eat it from an overpriced Lagos restaurant.

2. Wear only ashewo clothes.

What’s the point of being a baddie if it’s not the first thing people see? Make sure your shorts are super short and you are very invested in Lagos fashion and cut out clothes. Ensure you dress like you are straight out of “pretty little things” website.

3. Be a Gemini or a Scorpio.

Scorpios are the baddest babes that ever walked the face of the earth, followed closely by Geminis. Every real bad bitch needs to have a drop of toxicity and Geminis and Scorpios have that in excess.

4. Have nothing less than 5 tubes of lipgloss.

Lipgloss is an essential tool in unlocking your baddieness. Every baddie needs to constantly moisturize their l̶i̶e̶s̶ lips.

5. Only carry mini bags.

As a bad bitch, you have no business carrying any bag that can fit more than your patience, your lipgloss and your phone. Any other thing can be left in the bags or purses of other ordinary bitches.

6. Only wear boots.

Come rain, come sunshine you must only wear boots. You need the boots to stomp on ordinary bitches and you also need them to complete your drip. Regular shoes are for regular people and you aren’t a regular person, you are a bad bitch.

7. Follow the teachings of Bobrisky.

Bobrisky is the most original bad babe in Nigeria and you need to heed every piece of advice she gives. Whatever has worked for her in the past is definitely going to work for you too.

8. Get a nose ring.

Nose rings are the key to unlocking your inner bad baddie (forget whatever we said about it being lipgloss). Every certified bad bitch has a nose ring.
Getting a man’s name tattooed on your body as a show of love is a very questionable thing, except he’s dead of course and you got the tattoo to immortalize him. However, if you want to get a man’s name tattooed on your body simply because you love him, we’ll need you to sit back and think of your action.

Here are some serious questions to ask yourself before tattooing a man’s name on your body.

1. Is everything alright at home?

You need to be sure everything is fine on the homefront before you proceed. Do your parents love you, do you have spiritual problems, do you need to get delivered from spiritual problems you have no hand in? Those are some of the things you need to know. You can also ask your parents some of those questions to be sure everything is fine at home.

2. Is the name biblical?

Let the name atleast be biblical and by biblical, we don’t mean a name in the Bible. No, we mean a name that can be turned into a Bible passage, like Matthew.

3. Do you not like your body?

You are a beauty and a spec and you don’t need his name on your body to confirm that. Even if you don’t like your body, that man’s name on it won’t make it better.

4. Are you ready to endure the disgrace?

First and foremost, the disgrace is going to be plenty, very very plenty and it’s probably going to make you a story woman. Are you ready to explain to one million people why you have a man’s name on your body even though you no longer talk to him? Think about it.

5. Is the name fanciful enough?

Please note, I am not talking about names like Tunde, Tunji or Chukwudi [sorry to men with those names]. Is the name atleast fancy enough with a good meaning? If not, kindly abort the mission.

6. How common is the name?

A common name is a good option, you can walk down the road and find another man with that name to date. Names like Kunle, Tobi and Femi are good options here, not Alexandria.

7. Why you don’t love yourself.

If you truly love yourself enough, you won’t get a man’s name tattooed on your body. If you truly love yourself, you won’t date men, but that’s another conversation.

8. Do you like the name enough to claim it’s yours?

When the love fails and your foolishness is staring you in the face, would you like the name enough to claim it’s yours? Very unlikely.
The fact that you can no longer remember the pain of being dropped on your head doesn’t mean you might not be living with long term side effects. You’ll know by some of your actions whether or not you were dropped on your head as a child.

Here are a few clear signs.

1. You like drama.

You either start the drama or get drawn to it. Everyone knows you live for some sort of commotion. It’s part of the follow come with being dropped on your head.

2. You like to date questionable people.

Your friends and family have all given up on fixing you and advising you. You enjoy dating people who give you headaches. What others see as red flags, you see as roses.

3. You enjoy making morbid jokes.

Everyone knows you for being notorious for making morbid jokes and not knowing when to read the room. You can read every other thing asides from a room that’s uncomfortable with the jokes you are making.

4. You never practise what you preach.

It’s a little shocking that you even preach. You often go as far as giving good advice, but it’s impossible for you to take your own advice. Everyone comes to go for advice even though they know you have small skoin-skoin.

5. You live your life like you have a spare one at home.

Maybe you have a spare one at home. Who knows? If you could survive something as severe as being dropped on your head as a child, it’s obvious you have many extra lives to play with.

6. You are not as rich as Dangote, but you spend more money than he does.

Oh, in this case, you fell on your head as a child and also as an adult. You are irredeemable.

7. You deliberately voted for Bubu.

Look around you, are you proud of that decision? If your answer is yes, it’s obvious you fell on your head again as an adult.

8. You litter and throw things out of moving vehicles.

You are one inch away from being in the same category with people who fell again as adults. Why are you littering the place? Do you not have home training or manner? Let’s blame your behaviour on that bad fall.
There are too many people on these streets claiming to be what they are not. At least five people out of six claim to be a bad bitch, even when they do not have the range or ability for it.

Anyway, we have decided to put you all in your place. If these signs manifest in your life, then it means you are not the bad bitch you actually think you are.

1. You catch feelings quick.

Someone will text you everyday for two weeks and you have already caught feelings. Do you really think that’s an attribute of a bad bitch?

2. You still live under your parents’ roof.

Your parents are housing you and you want to come out and claim bad bitch. Which money will you use to paint town red? Your pocket money?

3. You slimfit your jeans because you can’t find your size.

Please just rest. Don’t drag anything, just quietly renounce the title of bad bitch and live a honest life.

4. You cry when you watch movies.

Even songs, you are crying. You think being bad bitch is about being Nkiru Sylvanus’ intern? Abeg comot for here.

5. You are studying biochemistry, engineering, sociology, or geology.

Even if they are distributing bad bitch forms for free, it will never reach you. Just focus on your studies, eh?

6. You are the second born.

You got leftover baby clothes from the first born. Sorry to break it to you, but you don’t qualify.

7. You moan during sex.

Something you are supposed to chest and keep quiet. Ask the real bad bitches, they don’t even do pim.

8. You attend Covenant University.

Hmmm. It is well. Please dissociate yourself from being a bad bitch before your school authorities decide to abolish bad bitches worldwide.

9. You have a babyface.

Nature has already denied you access to the bad bitch circle. Please rest.

10. Your name is Desire, Damilola, TiaraOluwa, Chioma, Amaka, Favour.

Ah, please go and do change of name before you even think of calling yourself a bad bitch, abeg.

11. Your name is Blessing.

Sorry dear, even if you change your name, you still cannot be a bad bitch. Having Blessing as your name has forever robbed you of that chance.

12. You cannot swim or ride a bicycle.

Instead of you to be learning how to do these things, you are trying to be a bad bitch. Do you even have your priorities aligned?

13. Your parents did not throw a first year birthday party for you.

Smart parents. They already know you don’t have the potential for it.

14. You have less than five wigs.

More importantly, what will your life as a bad bitch look like?

15. You cannot draw your own eyebrows.

At this point, just give up. If they call bad bitches and you answer eh, we will personally find you and cane you.

16. You eat semo.

Please get out of here, cultist.

[donation]
Streets are tough, but Nigerian men are tougher. A lot of them are struggling, but you won’t know because of how organised they are. Well, we have hacked their secrets. If you are dating or planning to date any man who manifests any of these signs, please run. That guy is broke and has nothing to offer you.

Stay woke, queens.

1. If he is a poet.

These ones are the original owners of the word struggle. They will serenade you with romantic lines and even give you one or two orgasms while at it, but when it’s time for them to drop something, best believe they can drop dead. Flee, my babe.

2. If he works at a start-up.

Yes, forget all you have heard about tech bros. The only ones that are not struggling are the ones in Paystack and Flutterwave. You see the rest of them? Struggle with a sprinkle of scaling and growth.

3. If he is always hungry.

The typical Nigerian man. See ehn, if you meet any and the first thing he’s concerned about is if you can cook fresh stew or make pap, just gather your wig under your armpit and run before you enter everlasting struggle.

4. If he is a musician.

Yes, they look good and babes are rushing them. But if you check their account balance ehn, it’s emptier than a doll’s head. Just collect the song and the orgasm they will offer. You see financial capabilities? It’s not from them biko.

5. If he doesn’t have a beard.

Someone does not have a beard and you think he’s not struggling? Listen, he is struggling with forces and principalities that even you cannot see.

6. If he has a beard.

Surely you know he kept it so he can be struggling with it until you come into his life and he can transfer the chaos to you. You better run.

7. If he has dyed his hair at least two times.

He might look chic and alte, but listen, mans is going through existential struggles. Enter it and you too will collect.

8. If he still lives with his parents.

Um, do you still want us to talk, or will you take the hint already?

9. If he lives alone.

Clearly that guy is struggling with a lot of interpersonal problems and they are so much that had to move out of the house. Get it?

10. If he is good in bed.

That means he cannot offer you anything else, so he wants to use knacks to finish your life until you are confused on whether to stay or leave. May the compass of your life lead you aright.

11. If he is not good in bed.

Of course he is struggling in the bedmatics part. Is that the kind of life you want for yourself?

12. If he has a powerbank.

Yes please, Twitter people have said that powerbank is a sign of struggle. Just take it that way.

13. If he is still alive.

Since you have all these demands, you might as well just settle for a dead guy so you can be free of struggling forever and you both can rest in peace.

[donation]
Being Nigerian is a lot of things, both good and bad, at the same time. It is about feeling pride in the Nigerian people, culture, music and cuisine but being ashamed of the Nigerian government and other bad things about the country. We brought you the memes that perfectly describes how it feels to be Nigerian at various points in time.

1. When you lie to your parents about your results

2. When the Nigerian police “invite” you to the station

3. The Nigerian government every three minutes:

4. When your student department association asks how you spent the money for social night

5. When PHCN takes the light while you were ironing cloth for your interview

6. What your Nigerian parents think will happen if you travel to the village for Christmas

7. When the Nigerian government sees a successful startup

8. When your fiance who has a blue passport is mad at you

9. When the government announces another bad policy.

10. But last last,

If you liked these memes then you’ll love Zikoko Memes. Stay sharp because it’s coming real soon. Follow Zikoko Memes on Twitter.

[donation]
WARNING: Only try these things with people who understand that you’re joking. I will NOT be held responsible for the ensuing gbas gbos if you try this with someone you’re not friends with.

1) Remind them that they’re spending all that money on skincare products and still aren’t getting any results.

“So that thimble-sized bottle of vitamin c serum isn’t doing anything? LMAO”

2) Send them any picture you see on social media of people with clear skin.

“Look at your mates. Do they have two heads?”

3) Randomly look at their face and say, “Hmm. That’s a new pimple”.

“Well, looks like your face is just full of surprises.”

4) Casually mention how their face reminds of the road leading to Badagry.

“I just remembered the time a car I was in broke down on the way to Badagry. It ‘s your face that reminded me sef. The road was rough as hell and…”

5) Tell them they look like the moon emoji if it was more realistically textured.

Then watch them break down in tears…or stab you in the face.

1. “When you stop asking me”

2. “God will do it for you”

3. “I don’t want my life to be like yours”

4. “Any money wey I get now, na for enjoyment, no worry about my future”

5. “Are you jealous of me?”

6. “Let’s trade places”

7. “Crazy things are happenings”

1. The “why are you doing this to me” meme.

2. The “laughs maliciously” meme.

3. The “your money is safe with me” meme.

4. The “I’ve taken this matter to Babalawo” meme.

5. The “I’ve taken matters into my hands and I command you to give me a raise” meme.

6. The “My God is going to deal with you” meme.

7. This meme is self-explanatory.

8. The “I’m not one to be messed with” memes.

1. The food is too sweet.

2. The food is not sweet.

3. The waiter served the food with a smile on their face.

4. The waiter didn’t serve the food with a smile on their face.

5. The food is expensive.

6. The food is cheap.

7. They served the food in fine china.

8. They served the food in ugly plates.

9. The food is plenty.

10. The food is not plenty.

11. The food was cooked by someone you don’t know.

1. Eat only pasta.

2. Wear only ashewo clothes.

3. Be a Gemini or a Scorpio.

4. Have nothing less than 5 tubes of lipgloss.

5. Only carry mini bags.

6. Only wear boots.

7. Follow the teachings of Bobrisky.

8. Get a nose ring.

1. Is everything alright at home?

2. Is the name biblical?

3. Do you not like your body?

4. Are you ready to endure the disgrace?

5. Is the name fanciful enough?

6. How common is the name?

7. Why you don’t love yourself.

8. Do you like the name enough to claim it’s yours?

1. You like drama.

2. You like to date questionable people.

3. You enjoy making morbid jokes.

4. You never practise what you preach.

5. You live your life like you have a spare one at home.

6. You are not as rich as Dangote, but you spend more money than he does.

7. You deliberately voted for Bubu.

8. You litter and throw things out of moving vehicles.

1. You catch feelings quick.

2. You still live under your parents’ roof.

3. You slimfit your jeans because you can’t find your size.

4. You cry when you watch movies.

5. You are studying biochemistry, engineering, sociology, or geology.

6. You are the second born.

7. You moan during sex.

8. You attend Covenant University.

9. You have a babyface.

10. Your name is Desire, Damilola, TiaraOluwa, Chioma, Amaka, Favour.

11. Your name is Blessing.

12. You cannot swim or ride a bicycle.

13. Your parents did not throw a first year birthday party for you.

14. You have less than five wigs.

15. You cannot draw your own eyebrows.

16. You eat semo.

1. If he is a poet.

2. If he works at a start-up.

3. If he is always hungry.

4. If he is a musician.

5. If he doesn’t have a beard.

6. If he has a beard.

7. If he has dyed his hair at least two times.

8. If he still lives with his parents.

9. If he lives alone.

10. If he is good in bed.

11. If he is not good in bed.

12. If he has a powerbank.

13. If he is still alive.

1. When you lie to your parents about your results