Quizzes

Stacks

Shows

Podcasts

Newsletters

Naira Life

Love Life

Hustleprint

Love Currency

Sunken Ships

What She Said

My Bro

So You Don’t Have To

Interview With…

Zikoko Memes

Jollof Road

Cholera Outbreak Update

Follow our socials

  • Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

    (This interview occurs over Zoom for obvious reasons. Zikoko is trying to get their network to work.)

    Zikoko: I’d like to start by saying a Happy Birthday. I’m so glad you agreed to this interview. I’ve been trying to get a hold of you. 

    Nigeria: I’m a busy man.  

    Zikoko: I thought you were a woman.

    Nigeria: With the kind of shege I’m showing you? 

    Zikoko: Mad. I have a bunch of questions to ask sir. About the roads, light, governance, cost of living. Basically, I’m here to ask about why you’re showing us pepper. 

    Nigeria: Have you ever considered I’m the way I am because I’m lonely? 

    Zikoko: Come again?

    Nigeria: There’s nobody to motivate me on days I feel down. To push me up when I falter. I need a neck. The head can’t stand alone. 

    Zikoko: I think I missed that. Pardon? 

    Nigeria: If you ask me to come again, I will beat you. I said I need to fall in love. 

    Zikoko: Sorry, internet. But you have a population of about 200 million people. How are you lonely? 

    Nigeria: With the rate at which people are leaving me, is this number still correct? Plus, it’s not like the people are going to keep me warm at night? Will they hold my hand? Buy me surprise package on Valentine’s Day? 

    Zikoko: So sorry for your loss. Why exactly can’t you do this life thing alone? We have a how to live your best life article you should read.

    Nigeria: Are you living your best life?

    Zikoko: Are the generators they’re running daily not enough to keep you warm? 

    Nigeria: No! 

    Zikoko: Oya help me understand

    Nigeria: Life gets lonely, and I want someone that’ll be there for me. I’ve been a country for 62 years and not once have I ever been in a relationship.  I used to have an ex, and though we were apart, at least she was alive from afar. But even Lizzie has left me forever, again.

    RELATED: Interview With Dollar: “I’m Too Sexy for This World”

    Zikoko: But you have this enemies to lovers thing going on with Ghana 

    Nigeria: I see them like siblings. It can never work out. 

    Zikoko: So which country are you eyeing? 

    Nigeria: None in particular, but I do have characteristics and qualities I think my spouse should possess. 

    Zikoko: Oshey, let’s get it.

    Nigeria: I need someone that can match my status as an African Giant. 

    Zikoko: *coughs* 

    Nigeria: You’re very foolish for that. Let me just tell you.

    Zikoko: There’s cold nau. I have cough. 

    Nigeria: And it’s that cough that’ll kill you. 

    Zikoko: Small play? What did I throw and what did I collect? 

    Nigeria: Better behave yourself. Remember that you live in me.  

    Zikoko: Sorry sir, don’t be annoyed. Continue telling me your spec.

    Nigeria: They also need to be rich. I’m a baby boy and I need to be taken care of. My love language is gift giving, so I want to date someone that’ll be able to do what I need. Random trips around the world, shopping sprees, dinner dates in fancy restaurants.  

    I also don’t eat old food. So I want someone that’ll be cooking for me every day, but will still submit to me as the head of the household.

    RELATED: Interview With Food: “Are Nigerian Men Possessed by the Spirit of Hunger?”

    Zikoko: And what will you offer them? 

    Nigeria: The privilege of being with me? 

    Zikoko: Ah? Is that all? 

    Nigeria: What more would they want? Also, before I forget, I want someone with a strong passport, so I can become a citizen of their country as well.

    Zikoko: And you’ll give them a Nigerian passport?

    Nigeria: Yes, what’s wrong with that? 

    Zikoko: Even you, would you collect a Nigerian passport? 

    Nigeria: Zikoko, you’re treading on thin ice o. Don’t be behaving like an insane. The only reason I’ve not thrown you out from here is because I want you to help me.

    Zikoko: Help you? How? 

    Nigeria: I want you to find me someone I can build a meaningful relationship with.

    Zikoko: Media company not dating app.

    Nigeria: What’s a dating app? 

    Zikoko: It’s where people fall in love these days. You sign up on a dating app and swipe left or right based on people you find interesting or match similar values as yours. I think you should try it out.

    Nigeria: Zikoko, I’m 62. Do you really think I can use a dating app? 

    Zikoko: We think anyone can, but honestly, you don’t have light or good network. How’ll you be able to do it? What you need is to meet someone the old-fashioned way.

    Nigeria: Which is the old-fashioned way? 

    Zikoko: You walk up to a country and tell them how you feel about them. That you want to get to know them intimately.

    Nigeria: So, colonisation? 

    Zikoko: Please ijn it’s 2022. We don’t do that anymore. Do you know what consent means?

    Nigeria: Hm…

    Zikoko: What you need right now is to find a nice African country that’s not too old for you. 

    Nigeria: Okay, let’s see. South Africa? 

    Zikoko: Have you forgotten they don’t like you? 

    Nigeria: Tanzania? 

    Zikoko: Long distance. They’re too far.

    Nigeria: Benin Republic? 

    Zikoko: They’re too young for you. Plus, language barrier. We also think they’re in a throuple with Togo and Cameroon. 

    Nigeria: What’s a throuple?

    Zikoko: It’s better if you don’t know. Let’s find you one person before we think of another.

    Nigeria: What about Asian countries? 

    Zikoko: Long distance, and they’re too old for you. 

    Nigeria: I know who I’m going to date.

    Zikoko: Who? 

    Nigeria: United Arab Emirates 

    Zikoko: You know what? Do what you want. 

    Nigeria: I plan to.

    RELATED: Interview With National Grid: “Better Buy Plenty Fuel, You’ll Need It”

  • We’ve all been subject to clownery at some point in our lives, so in celebration of Clown’s week, we like to reveal just how much of a clown you are.

    Take this quiz to find out.

  • Are you expensive lobster that’s not for everyone or eja kika that can be bought down the road?

    Find out the seafood you are by taking this quiz.

  • Between being funny, intelligent, beautiful, unique and God’s greatest gift to earth, there’s nothing women can’t do. At Zikoko, we carry women’s matters on our heads, which is why we’re planning a party for the girliesssss.

    Women are hardly ever wrong, but let’s talk about the few times they might have been. And the reasons why that happened. 

    Bathing with scalding hot water

    Going out and being in contact with sin will make you want to wash it off with the highest temperature of water you can find. Women don’t want to live in sin, we want to be rid of it, and the best way to do that is to burn it off our skins. 

    Spending our savings on enjoyment

    If you guys live more than once, we women know we only live once, and there’s always something to be celebrated. The same way we saved the one we use for enjoyment is how we’ll save another one for a more serious purpose.

    Rewarding ourselves after an inconvenience

    To be honest, this isn’t wrong; it’s a necessity. Life is already hard, and adulting is dealing with us. A little reward after a long day, week, or month doesn’t hurt anyone. 

    RELATED: 7 Things You Need to Stop Being Ashamed of as a Woman

    Going out with our thoughts and prayers

    There’s a slight chance this one is wrong sha because every woman needs some vex money. Thoughts and prayers hardly ever fail us. Nonetheless, don’t go out without a little extra cash. 

    Dating men

    Dating men is reserved for God’s most patient soldiers. Whew. Love and light to the women who are dating Nigerian men, especially those living in Lagos. 

    Fitting our patience into our mini bags

    Mini bags are the most befitting bags for a Nigerian woman’s patience. We’re managing the little patience we have, and we only take a little of it when we go out. 

    RELATED: Y2K Fashion Accessories That Are Still a Must-Have in 2022

    Not ironing our clothes

    Ironing is the worst chore known to man, and we women want an easy, stress-free life. Trust me when I say the sun in Nigeria is hot enough to straighten our clothes when we wear them.

    RELATED: 6 Reasons Why Nigerian Women Don’t Iron Clothes

    Saying we’re not hungry and then begging for our partner’s food

    Making decisions is so tough, and women want it all. We also want to eat some of our partner’s food to ensure they don’t die alone if the food is poisoned. 

    Helping our partners keep their clothes

    As you can see, we didn’t say “stealing”; we said “helping”. All women do is help you keep your clothes in a safer place, away from you and your wardrobe. You should be thanking your babe for being a forward thinker. 

    ALSO READ: Why Women Need to Stop Stealing Their Men’s Clothes

    In case you missed it, Zikoko is bringing all the hot girls to the yard for a festival. We’ll dance, play games and shake our asses. Buy your tickets here. 

  • You might think you’re surrounded by normal people until someone opens their mouth to say they like their food sizzling hot. That’s when you know that liars live amongst us. No one should like hot food, and we have reasons to back it up. 

    1) You look like a dog when eating hot food 

    When you’re eating hot food, you start moving your mouth like someone that has lost control of their tongue. Why? You’ll put food in your mouth and start doing hzhshzhzhshzhsshzhshss because the food is too hot for your mouth.  Even your body knows when to reject bad things. Listen to it. 

    2) Why burn all the calories you’d get from the food by blowing on it? 

    Sounds like a waste of time. All the calories you’d have gotten from the food, you blew them away. By the time you blow one spoon of rice fifteen times before shove it in your mouth, what’s left? 

    RELATED: 5 Strange but Cute Food Behaviours Nigerian Mothers Have

    3) Eating hot food shows lack of patience 

    Anyone that eats hot food doesn’t have patience. Why can’t they wait for the food to cool down? Has the food suddenly developed legs to run? 

    4) You won’t enjoy the food 

    You can’t even enjoy the food when it’s hot because you can’t taste anything. No flavour, no seasoning. Just heat and vibes. 

    RELATED: Interview With Food: Are Nigerian Men Possessed by the Spirit of Hunger? 

    5) You’ll burn your tongue

    There are very few things as annoying as having a burnt tongue.  Can’t enjoy food for the rest of the day because your tongue will just feeling weird. 

    6) Steam will nearly blind you 

    You’re trying to eat but you can’t see because of all the steam from the food blurring your vision. If you now use glasses? Your own is finished. 

    7) Hot food turns you to a dragon 

    If you decide to be a bad guy and eat the food without blowing it, it’ll heat the inside of your chest and you’ll start bringing out smoke from your mouth. Is that the life you want? 

    8) 60% food and 40% water 

    Because of how hot the food is, you’ll have to drink plenty of  water to temper the heat. You’ll get full on time and your food will waste. In this economy? 

    RELATED: 11 Ways to Know Your Food Has Been Poisoned 

  • Seduction 101 class is now in session. In eight unstoppable ways, we’re going to teach you how to seduce the person you can’t stop thinking about. The steps are simple and very easy to follow, so let’s go. 

    1. Chew your lips when you’re around them

    We said chew, not bite. Chew your lips as if you’re chewing ponmo. This is to hint the person that you’re going to chew their lips the same way. All that’ll be on their mind when they leave you is how they look forward to being chewed romantically. 

    2. Moonwalk like Michael Jackson

    The moonwalk should be your regular walk. Do you know how that moonwalk always turned heads? That’s how it’s going to turn the head of your crush and immediately seduce them. The glide in your steps will guide you to their heart.

    Moonwalk GIFs | Tenor

    3. Walk with your hands to the back

    Always walk like you’re adjusting your oversize blazer/coat. If you can’t do the moonwalk, this move is much easier to execute. Your hand to your back means you’ll always have their back. Any wise person will know that that’s the best kind of assurance. 

    4. Blink like there’s something in your eyes

    The regular wink is old, boring and overused. Blink like there’s something in your eyes so they can walk over to help you take it out. Then make eye contact and make sure they see the future in your eyes. The future in which both of you live together happily ever after. 

    5. Put your hands in your mouth when talking to them

    All five fingers. If you want to take it up a notch, put all ten fingers into your mouth. Let them know what that mouth does. You’re either going to be remembered as a successful throat goat or a tongue champion. You’ll sha be remembered. An act like that is impossible to forget. 

    6. Run away when you see them

    Let them chase you till they run into your heart. Run really fast like your enemies are after you. Even if they’d never thought about you before then, they’ll remember you for running like Usain Bolt and they’ll yearn to know you better until they finally fall in love with you. 

    7. Make a playlist for their partner

    You know how partners share things between themselves? Yep, make a playlist for your love interest’s partner. They’re going to listen to the playlist with them and know how thoughtful you are, how great your taste in music is and come looking for you. If you’re lucky sef, both partners will open their relationship for you. 

    8,676 Couple Listening To Music Stock Photos, Pictures & Royalty-Free Images - iStock

    8. Sprinkle holy water on them

    This is the American equivalent of spilling a drink on someone. Sha make sure you’re with holy water, not normal water. The holy water is going to do all the work for you. Just ensure you spill it on their chest, very close to where their heart is located, and they’ll fall for you. 

  • If you look around you, you’ll spot issues that feminists are solely responsible for. In fact, scientists have said that more than half of the world’s problems are a result of the very existence of feminism and the people who practice it.

    Get More Zikoko Goodness in Your Mail

    Subscribe to our newsletters and never miss any of the action

    1. Lesbianism 

    A huge part of feminism is women supporting and paving the way for each other, which we all know inevitably leads to genital meet & greets and violent scissoring.  This is how lesbianism was invented and how they keep recruiting people into the act.

    2. The heat in Nigeria 

     Feminists are too hot. Their arguments are too hot, and their bodies too. The heat they emit is fucking up the ozone layer and speeding up global warming. Why hasn’t Greta Thunberg said something about this yet?! 

    3. The price of fuel in Nigeria

    Feminists have refused to refine crude oil themselves, and that’s why Nigeria is still importing crude oil and selling fuel at such a high price. Feminists need to come off their high horses and start refining oil or use all their knowledge to make water-powered cars. All this arguing on Twitter is not achieving anything.

    4. The Nigerian passport being useless

    Feminists aren’t doing enough to change the colour of the Nigerian passport. We’re not sure if changing the colour will help but they need to get to work and do something about it.

    5. The quantity of Nkwobi

    Feminists eat so little food because they are always watching their weight, and Nkwobi sellers seemingly market that meal to feminists. Now non-feminists have to eat so little too. 

    6. Nigeria getting kicked out of the Afcon

    . They were too busy focusing on Maduka Okoye’s beauty, they forgot to join the men on the pitch and play with them (seeing as they want to be men so bad). 

    7. Exchange rate 

    All feminists are doing is exchanging pussy juices instead of being beneficial to foreign exchange. 

    8. The existence of Semo

    Semo is here today because a feminist thought it was a meal worthy enough to be eaten. Gosh

    9. Capitalism 

    Your boss stressing you out today because a group of women loved the concept of work so much, they fought for the right for everyone to work. Now everyone has to wake up and obey their employer’s call.

    10. Chief Daddy 2

    The movie most likely has a feminist as part of the crew. That’s enough reason for it to be on this list.

    11. Bad roads 

    Bad roads exist because feminists won’t sit down in one place. Always moving up and down with their high-heeled shoes fighting for the rights of women and children. 

    12. Divorce

    See, it’s feminists that started divorcing men opened other women’s eyes to men’s red flags and bad behaviour.  Now, women all over the world see a reason to divorce their sweet husbands.

  • Names like Femi, Tobi, Segun… are names you hear and immediately have your guards up. Why? Bad vibes and negativity.

    A few of these Yoruba names sat with us today to say their side of the story. 

    Femi

    Femi means “Love me”, but Nigerian women and women all over the world complain when I go around looking and spreading love. But it’s the reason I was created; it’s my birthright. I am a lover, not a philanderer.

    Tobi

    Tobi means “Big” and my love is big enough to go around. If you need a piece of love, you know where to find me. I don’t know why Tobi is amongst the names women avoid when all I do is give many people a big piece of my love. 

    Tunde

    Tunde means “I have come again”. And that’s what she said because I always come bearing good tidings. A prophet is never appreciated in their own home; that’s why nobody rates me and everyone thinks I am going around doing ashewo-lite. As I come again, I want to make you cum again. That’s highly benevolent of me If I do say so myself.

    Kunle

    I am “A FULL house”. I’m a full-time happening babe living his life to the fullest. Say whatever you like about me and give me whatever PR you like, I know for sure that I’m a bad bitch. 

    Writer’s note: Kunle seems to have missed the memo.

    Muyiwa

    Muyiwa means “Brought this one”, and the thing I love to bring the most is sex. Men and women are always complaining about my choice and try to nitpick what gift I bring home. But it’s my choice. Do am if e easy. 

    Seun

    People always confuse me, Seun, for a sarewagba guy named Sean. Sean is my alter-ego. Whatever they said Sean did, he did that shit. Seun, on the other hand, is a good guy. My name means “Thank you”, which is what people say after I meet them. Ungrateful haters need to stop tainting his image.

    Seyi

    My name means “Did this” and I am not one to avoid accountability. Emi ni mo se, I did it and the recipient enjoyed it. Seyi is a name associated with beauty. Do you want me to hide all this beauty and not share it? O wrong nau. I am sorry to everyone involved, but there’s no stopping me. 

    Tunji

    I think I am here because people confuse me with Tunde. Yes, our Yoruba names have similar meanings, but we aren’t the same. I am a 45+ man who spends his time with his wife and kids. I may have a few girlfriends here and there, but I still think I get mixed up with Tunde and that’s the issue. 

  • Nigerians are truly some of the funniest people in the world and they continue to prove it by how they keep making us laugh on Twitter despite a ban.

    Here are some of the funniest tweets from TwitterNg from November 2021

    The memes that came from this tweet

    Yes, we know the tweet is from October but the memes were legendary.

    1. LMFAOOO

    Now you understand why we had to include the first one.

    2. Is there anything that’s out of line to Nigerians? We guess not

    3. Lovers code

    Ifeoma is doing it right. Whatever she’s doing is the right thing.

    https://twitter.com/khagan_c/status/1464240704427810820?s=20

    4. This isn’t exactly a joke, but it’s still funny.

    Sanwo is protesting against Sanwo. Wetin Musa no go see for gate?

    5. And he proudly said he attended Wizkid’s concert

    The quoted tweets were smoking this man and this one is the funniest.

    https://twitter.com/Shaliah88014479/status/1465613353607385096?s=20

    6. LMFAOO. You have to be on Twitter long enough to understand some jokes.

    LMFAO. How do people think of stuff this funny?

    7. *Frantically does sign of the cross*

    Nigerians don’t see a line and we love them for that.

    https://twitter.com/UTisKore/status/1464936523791585282?s=20

    8. We yellep

    Low scream, semi loud scream, loud scream.

    19. Netflix in a nutshell

    10. LMFAOOOO

    Why does this video even exist?

  • Trust us to guess your favourite pastime by taking this quiz.