If you are Nigerian, then you will understand what we mean when we say some things are just not for us. Some of these things are sexual practices that are just not aligned with our Nigerian-ness. Here is a list of some of them:
1. Toe sucking
You are a Nigerian and you want to suck your partner’s toes? Are you not afraid of the miles they have travelled? Are you not scared of how tough the soles of their feet will be? Imagine sucking the toes of someone from Igando or Ikorodu. God abeg.
2. Eating a man’s ass.
So you became so horny that you decided, out of plain fornication and the romantic gesture of bumping genitals, that you want to eat bumbum. And I’m not mad at it. I admire the courage. But then it’s not just any ass, it is the one owned by a Nigerian man you want to chook your mouth in and eat? Do you have a death wish? Is that how you have chosen to go?
The Nigerian in me would never do this. The moment I hear, “Let me put you in bondage,” my Christianity will resurrect and I’ll start speaking in tongues and shouting, “I shall not be put in bondage. My destiny shall never experience bondage. Everything that belongs to me shall never be bound. Rikabasunbatatatata.”
4. Fisting.
If you don’t know what this is, Google it. But here’s a simpler way to put it: imagine someone putting their entire hand inside your honeypot, their entire hand oh, and not their weapon of love. Imagine them bending you over and putting that complete hand, from palm to wrist to elbow, inside you. Just imagine. JUST. IMAGINE.
5. Public sex.
Many people are doing this, sha. But one day will be one day when you will be caught and we will do GoFundMe to bail you out. Imagine your pastor coming to bail you out and they ask you what you were arrested for: “Collecting hot fok in public.”
6. Pissing.
Somebody’s child that you are, you will kneel down and open your mouth or spread yourself like moi-moi leaf, only for someone to remove their weapon of love and expel hot urine all over you. Hot yellow urine, in this Nigeria where everything is hot.
7. Scat.
Here’s how Google defines it:
“In sexual fetishism, scatology (usually abbreviated scat) refers to coprophilia, when a person is sexually aroused by fecal matter, whether in the use of feces in various sexual acts, watching someone defecating, or simply seeing the feces. Entire subcultures in sexuality are devoted to this fetish.”
Is this what you want to indulge in? Be honest and answer yourself.
But we are not judging sha. Do what you want and have fun. Just stay safe.
[donation]
We don’t care if you enjoy sex or not. The damage caused by that act is enough and it is time for the government to abolish sex in Nigeria. Here are 11 good reasons why this must happen ASAP.
1. Sex brings pregnancy.
Be honest with yourself, do you want pregnancy at this time?
2. Pregnancy brings babies, and babies steal your peace of mind.
And then the child grows up to hate you, despite everything you did for them. Is this how you want your life to go?
3. Sex makes you confused. You start wondering if it’s love you are feeling.
And like this, they will take you for an idiot. You will begin to condone nonsense in the name of love. We don’t want that for you, so we all need to come together to beg the government to ban this act.
4. Sex is too sweet.
And we all know doctors and dentists don’t recommend things that are too sweet. So, it’s best to choose health over hot fok.
5. Sex is messy and sweaty.
Imagine bathing and smelling nice, only to be rough handled by someone and getting their saliva in your mouth and their sweat all over your body? Imagine getting your hair scattered, and your legs spread apart like a television’s antenna? God forbid abeg. We need to ban such a dirty act.
6. Let’s be honest, sex is unproductive use of our time.
Time you should be using to harvest yam and better your lives or advancing in your career, you are using it to bend over or get bent over while someone is grabbi— Oh no, this act deserves to be abolished.
7. All the heat from hot fok is causing global warming.
Global warming is a serious environmental crisis. Why must you choose to damage your environment because of hot fok? Do you not care about survival?
8. Sex is the leading cause of cheating in Nigeria.
Yes. Yes. Yes. The earlier we abolish sex, the longer relationships and marriages last.
9. Our population is already plenty enough.
We need a moratorium on sex until things normalise. We cannot afford to lapse into overpopulation.
10. Sex makes people scream “Jesus” and “Oh my God”
First of all, do you nasty sinners not fear anything? What if your noise encourages our creator to hasten His second coming?
11. Buhari was angry that all we use Twitter for is sex, so he banned it.
Abolish sex today so we can get Twitter back today.
[donation]
As told to Kunle Ologunro
TW: Sexual harassment
I am not the kind of person to participate in group sex. It’s not my thing. I prefer a one-on-one session with my partner. But then I met *Joshua on a dating app.
We planned to hook up on a Tuesday evening. He’d said he was having a threesome later that night but was still down to have sex with me in the evening. I was surprised, but I went to his house in Lekki. When I got there, he told me that one of his threesome partners was en route, and we could wait for him to have our own threesome. It sounded interesting, so I waited. That’s how I had my first threesome in Lagos.
After that day, Joshua and I exchanged numbers and became cordial, and he became my threesome plug.
The Friday night when the fivesome happened, I had gone to Joshua’s house for a threesome. I got there around 10 p.m., and we went on a dating app in search of a third party for our threesome. We sent messages to some people on the dating app but didn’t get any response. Eventually, Joshua asked one of his friends who lived nearby to come over. He agreed. While he was on his way, one of the people we texted on the app responded. He said he was down for a threesome and wanted us to come over to his house in Victoria Island.
We would have gone to his house, but Joshua’s friend was already on his way to us, and there was no way we could leave for Victoria Island without seeing the friend first. Besides, it was already almost midnight, and we didn’t want to move around Lagos anyhow — we didn’t drive.
The Victoria Island guy offered to come pick us up, but we declined. We told him we had already found someone and the person was on his way over. We should have stopped texting him at this point; Joshua tried to stop, in fact, but I told him to continue the conversation just so we would see where it would lead. It was supposed to be harmless.
After we exchanged photos, the Victoria Island guy said he also had a friend over at his house and they, too, were looking for a partner. He said they didn’t mind coming over to the house, and after thinking about it, Joshua and I sent the address. In less than 20 minutes, they were already at our flat.
Now, this is where you should take note of the people involved so you don’t get things twisted.
There’s me.
And then there’s my friend, Joshua.
Then there’s Joshua’s friend who lived nearby. Let’s call him TY.
Now, include Victoria Island guy. Let’s call him Emmanuel.
And then add his friend. Let’s call him Ifeanyi.
At a gathering of gay men in Lagos; someone has probably slept with someone before. It turned out the Victoria Island guy (Emmanuel) knew Joshua’s friend (TY). When they came in and saw each other, they did a cordial greeting and went straight to kissing.
And this was the start of my problems. I wanted to kiss Emmanuel because he was attractive. I wasn’t attracted to Joshua’s friend TY at all. Next thing, Victoria Island guy’s friend (Ifeanyi) started kissing Joshua, and so I was left stranded. All the parties in the threesome were kissing each other and I was by myself, looking askance. After so much kissing had gone on, they decided to make room for me.
I should add that TY became available to kiss at some point, but because I wasn’t attracted to him, I kept moving away so he wouldn’t come close. Each time he drew near, I drew backwards or found someone’s body part to occupy me. It was weird.
Soon, space freed up for me to kiss Emmanuel, but when I came close to him, he bent his head all the way back, almost like a gymnast. It seemed weird at first until I realised he didn’t want to kiss me.
In this whole arrangement, I should mention the sexual roles played by everybody. I am a top, as well as the three other guys: Emmanuel, TY, and Ifeanyi. Only Joshua was bottom, and if we were fair, this seemed a bit unbalanced. A better equation would be three tops and two bottoms or people who could switch from top to bottom. I could have bottomed, but I wasn’t prepared for it. When I came for the threesome, my plan was to top. One top and two bottoms.
But back to this fivesome.
After several minutes of kissing, sucking and playing around, the sex began. Emmanuel bent Joshua over, lubed him up and penetrated him. And I had never seen anything scarier all my life. How do I describe it? Emmanuel was so aggressive with his thrusts. Even pornstars don’t behave like that. And as though his rough thrusts were not enough, he added very loud slaps to the mix. He would thrust very fast, then slap Joshua’s butt so hard, it resounded across the apartment. When I heard the first slap, I panicked. I wanted to ask Joshua if he was okay because I did not understand how anyone would genuinely enjoy such a violent act.
***
We took turns. After Emmanuel pulled out, I went next. Then TY, and then Ifeanyi. I don’t think Ifeanyi was really into it. He penetrated briefly and then pulled out. At this point, nobody had climaxed yet. The main focus seemed to be on pleasuring each other.
Because we had just one person bottoming and no other person willing to take dick at that time, people started fucking each other’s thighs. I would have bottomed too, at least to ease the workload of the bottom, but I debated it.
And then, Emmanuel came to me, wanting to fuck my thigh. I wanted to say no, but he was horribly persistent, so I allowed him. He had a condom on and it was dark, so I let him do his thing.
Soon enough, he started begging me to let him put his dick in me. I said no. I wasn’t prepared to bottom and did not want to stain anywhere, but he was persistent. After a long while of incessant begging, I agreed.
He penetrated. About five thrusts in, I noticed something was off, so I asked him if he was wearing a condom. He said yes. That didn’t reassure me. I don’t trust men, certainly not in this setting where we were meeting for the first time. Men lie a lot, and when sex is involved, the lies take on new dimensions.
So I tried to feel his dick for the condom. He moved my hand away and asked what I was trying to do.
“I’m checking for the condom you said you are wearing,” I said.
He hesitated, and so I pushed him out of me. Lo and behold, he had no condom on.
“Where’s the condom you said you had on?” I said.
To see Emmanuel penetrate me without a condom and still lie about it made me very upset. I felt violated, lied to. I am on Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis (PrEP) but I don’t have raw sex with people, especially Lagos men. I mean, I don’t know where your dick has been, so don’t give me something I won’t be able to account for. I use condoms for a number of reasons. One, I am very sexually active. Two, I like to have sex with people and forget about them. When you have sex without condoms, you are plagued with anxiety about your partner’s health status. I don’t want that kind of anxiety.
“Guy, what is the meaning of this rubbish?” I demanded. “Why did you fuck me raw and still lie about it? Why would you do that kind of thing?” I was agitated at this point. Right there, I took my phone and set a calendar reminder to get tested in two weeks time.
Emmanuel lied. He said he was wearing one, and that it probably fell off somewhere.
Fell off where? Is this guy mad?
I threw a fit. I turned on the lights and told everyone to stop fucking, immediately.
“Oya, oya, all of you start wearing your clothes. This thing is over. Pack it up and go home. Now!”
It wasn’t my house, but if I was being violated that way, surely I had a major say. Everyone looked surprised, but I wasn’t backing down.
Now, here’s the most surprising thing. While I was throwing this fit and becoming agitated by the lie told by Emmanuel, my friend, Joshua said nothing, did nothing to show that he was on my side. I know he wasn’t my friend in the true sense of the word; we met about two sex appointments ago, but I still expected him to say or do something to show that he was on my side and was annoyed by Emmanuel’s actions. But he did nothing. I did not know how to feel about that.
Emmanuel continued to lie. He told everyone that he didn’t know he was not wearing a condom, and that when he realised, he pulled out immediately.
EXCUSE ME? Guy, you were not wearing a condom!
But no matter. The sex that everyone had was enough.
They got dressed and started leaving. At the door, Emmanuel tried to shake my hands as though everything was normal.
“Fuck off,” I said.
That was when TY stepped in to stop any budding conflict.
“Emmanuel was just trying to make peace,” TY said.
But I was not having it. I kept my hands to my sides until they exited the house and I was left alone with Joshua.
“Why didn’t you speak up when I told everyone what Emmanuel did?” I asked Joshua after everyone had left.
His reason was that he had been in situations and heard stories where people having an orgy would get into a fight and throw fists and everything would get so messy, and he was trying to avoid that.
“It’s not that I didn’t want to speak up,” he said. “But you know we are gay people. If the whole thing escalates, someone might call the police and you and I both know where that can lead.”
At that moment, I understood why he chose silence.
“Do you still want to fuck?” Joshua asked later when I calmed down.
“Yes,” I said. “I still want my nut.”
We had sex and we came. Two weeks later, I went to get tested and I was negative for any disease.
It was an interesting experience, and I do want to have sex with more people. After that time, I have done a foursome with Joshua, and I am open to more. Lagos can make you do things; that’s the conclusion of the matter.
[donation]
How difficult is it to stay chaste in a relationship when both parties are people with feelings? For this article, I spoke to 7 Nigerians who told me their difficulties and triumphs.
This was a very difficult piece and I will tell you why. When I originally put out the call for stories, I directed it to married couples who didn’t kiss or have sex before their marriage. I wanted to know about their sex life: any regrets? Tips?
For days, I got nothing. And then, this simple one:
*Esther.
I’m enjoying sex apart from kissing because he has mouth odour. I discovered when we got married. We are learning to satisfy each other on sex. Seriously, no wahala about that.
When I reached out to ask more questions, I got no response. So I changed the call.
This is for Christian boyfriends and girlfriends on the TL.
How do you maintain chastity in your relationship? How do you manage the temptations to have sex. It's for @zikokomag.
I extended the call to include Muslims and other religious couples. Some sent in stories, some sent hi and nothing else, and some left their stories unfinished. But here are the most interesting answers I got.
Damilare.
I tried. I really tried to hold myself. The heavens know how much I tried acting like a saint up and down. We will kiss small and body will be doing gish-gish. We will start giving each other the word of God. Wo, it happened when it wanted to finally happen and we haven’t stopped since. Those people that are not doing it, 98 percent na iro repete. Pure lies.
Ebele.
We met in church. After a lot of chasing and convincing on his end, we started dating. We’ve been together for 1 year and 8 months. In the talking stage, we were both on the same page about abstaining till marriage. We decided to take it further and not kiss as well. But when we were faced with reality, it was harder than we thought. Once, I came back from a trip and he welcomed me with a kiss on my neck that ended up being a hickey. It wasn’t fun explaining it people. We eventually gave in and started kissing by the 3rd month of our relationship.
For me, it’s pretty easy because I don’t always have sexual urges but I know it’s really difficult for him because I see it in his eyes. Yet, he has never tried to pressure me or make me change my mind because he knows it’s important to me. It’s also important to him. I forget that men can be sensitive and there are times when I sit on his laps or between his legs and he has to remind me if I know where I am sitting. It used to be awkward at first but now we just laugh about it and I change location. We are very aware of what turns each other on so we are careful about how/where we touch each other. I won’t lie, it’s not exactly easy but we have had to learn other ways of spending our time that doesn’t involve being physical.
Gloria.
My partner and I have been dating for two years now. Before we met, we were (and still are) pretty hypersexual people. I’m a Pastor’s kid, just as he is, so we knew what we were doing and what it is to our faith.
When we started dating, we had sex everywhere we could, even on holy grounds. But earlier that year, I was uncomfortable about something and I kept feeling the need to draw closer to God. Through introspection, I realized that the one thing I could point out as a sin in my life is fornication. So I spoke to my partner, and even though it wasn’t the easiest decision to make, I told him I was going celibate, and it was up to him to decide what’s next. Obviously, for a couple looking to get married, his choice was to join me.
I’m not going to lie, it’s been very hard. VERY hard, and sometimes, we do not make it easy for ourselves. We’ve gone like 8 months straight, then what I like to call “fall” which makes my friends burst out in laughter has happened. And in those moments it’s good but the aftermath isn’t always good. I disconnect from God for a few days, even when all I have read tells me not to. One day I started crying after having sex and he was feeling really bad. To be honest, I’ve never felt guilty about sex, and feeling guilty now makes me feel very terrible so we’re trying to sort and process those feelings and also understand that we are human and need God’s grace to do this and not just our self.
We are also studying the Word more and praying more and that makes us very happy. It’s pretty hard because while there are resources online from strangers, the Christian couples close to us are either pretending they’re not having sex or struggling or have decided to fuck it and just have sex. And it’s really disappointing because who are we supposed to look up to? It’s one of the reasons why I’m always open to speaking about it and the moments we “fall” because I know it’s not as easy as some people make it to be.
We still have 4 years till our “wedding date”, and even though it’s not easy now we keep pushing. Sometimes, we steal kisses here and there then try to suppress what we’ve started. I’m looking forward to the next few years and praying really hard to God because, I’m not even going to lie, HAVE YOU SEEN MY MAN? And the things we can do together in bed or anywhere really. Whew.
Mojisola.
I’ve been in quite a number of relationships. When I’m about to enter one, I make sure to declare my stand of abstinence before we start anything. Some of them first say they agree but turn to something else when we’re into the relationship. In my current relationship, it’s different. My boyfriend is 24 and has been sexually active. But he told me that when he met Jesus, he made a commitment to stay off. And so, for me now, abstaining is a whole lot easier with him. I don’t have to explain why I want to stay that way over and over. We’ve been together for a year now. Sometimes when we are alone and of course those feelings start arising, he’s the first to push back and remind me of our commitment. I didn’t believe there were men like that out there till I met him. I can pretty much say I look up to him spiritually because he has made me grow past where I used to be when we met.
Ituen.
I am a Christian in a three-year relationship with a fellow believer. It’s a weird story because we didn’t start out celibate. In fact, he was the first person I ever had sex with. We were both Christians but at that time I was the more “serious” believer. I had just come out of a messy relationship, and he was supporting me through the breakup, and boom, somehow we had sex. When he realized he was my first, he freaked out, but I was a bit calm about it and moved on.
Due to my emotional state at that time (as a result of the last breakup and other issues), the sex continued a few more times until I snapped out of it and “recalled” that it was against my faith. I told him that if he wanted a serious relationship then sex has to be out of the deal. Because if it comes down to my faith and him, I would choose my faith over and over.
We set some boundaries (actually I did), but he just had to agree. No sleepovers is the main one. No freaky chats, no lonely visits too. We see each other mostly in public now. He has since grown more serious with his faith and he is even happy about the celibacy rules. We have been celibate for 2 years 6 months now.
Mayowa.
TW: Abuse.
I’m a guy in my mid 20s. I’ve been dating my girlfriend for three years now and we’ve never had sex. There are a couple of reasons for this. First of all, I’m a Christian, but more importantly, she’s a Christian too. I say this because if I was dating someone else and she wanted us to have sex, I’d most definitely have done it. I know that if I push it a bit and ask her for sex, it’ll happen. I think she knows it too. But we act like the option is not on the table.
She thinks I’m a virgin, but I’m not. I was abused as a child by my elder cousins, both male and female. I don’t know if that counts as losing my virginity. I think it does. Nobody knows about it except two of my friends and I only just told them last year. The abuse ended when I was about 8 or 9, but it made me hate myself a lot as a child because I kept seeing myself as a sinner. It seemed to me like fornication, and fornication is wrong, so I blamed myself for it.
In my guilt, I promised God that if he saw me as “clean” and a virgin again, I would never have sex before I got married. That was what inspired my chastity in the earlier parts of my life, especially in my first year at the university. That, and the emphasis my mother places on the importance of virginity till marriage. Her words stuck.
Despite all these though, I was making out, getting and giving head. I do that with my girlfriend too. I’m a very hypersexual person. I think about sex all the time. It’s happened since I was a kid, and I think it’s because of the abuse. I’ve read online that abuse at a young age makes some people hypersexual. I feel like a hypocrite a lot. Sometimes I ask myself if I’m actually not fornicating. But I’m sure I have an amazing relationship with God. He talks to me, I talk to Him, I worship, He heals people through me, I speak in tongues. I am an actual Christian. I don’t want to have penetrative sex till we get married. But with the way we’re going, I think it might happen. I hope it doesn’t.
What are the foods and drinks that enhance libido? Ah, we have answers! 🥳 Today on Ranked, we bring you the low-down on foods and drinks that will help increase your sex drive. Feel free to include them in your diet if you want to get your groove on.
For today’s rankings, you can disregard the positions.
1. Watermelon
Watermelon is rich in an amino acid called citrulline. This relaxes and dilates blood vessels that help increase sex drive. Y’all know what that means? 🌚
2. Coconut Water
Raise your hand if you believe drinking coconut water will make you a blockhead. Apparently, our good sis here contains nutrients that are beneficial to getting a climax. I guess that’s why they changed her PR before we discovered her potential.
3. Banana
This one isn’t shaped like a penis for nothing. We stan a fruit that lives a life aligned with its purpose. Eat it if you want to increase your energy level, boost semen and aid erection. It’s really a holy trinity of pleasure.
LMAO don’t you ever wonder why dark chocolate is included as part of a Valentine’s day package? This hunk right here stimulates the body’s production of serotonin and Dopamine, and when these two things are in, then you know the gbedu is about to enter body.
5. Red Wine
Here’s the thing about Red Wine: it boosts testosterone. That’s not all. Red Wine also makes you horny. Why else do you think some women say the wine went straight down to their pum-pum? Ah, we see y’all. Keep doing the good work.
6. Dates
Dates have been used as aphrodisiac and is known to improve sexual stamina, libido and your performance. Quick tip: You can soak dates in milk overnight and drink it the next morning. Or maybe include it in your smoothie. Ouuuuuuu 💦
7. Tigernut Milk
This one is key for sexual arousal. It also helps you last longer in bed. And the sellers know it too. This one is between me and you: combine date, banana and tigernut together, and drink it. See if you will not come back and share your story on Zikoko’s #SexLife.
If you score more than 6/9 in this quiz, then you’re something of an expert. All you have to do is identify brands of condoms and other sexual enhancers. Do you think you can do it?
Sex toys are one of those things that are becoming more popular with younger Nigerian women. That is why, I asked some of them to share their sex toy experience with me.
Zainab (19)
I was never a believer in multiple orgasms. After one, I would be unable to go again, but that was until I bought my first vibrator. The first day I used it, I thought my siblings will find me dead, vibrator in hand. My stomach hurt from all the contracting and I thought I would develop abs afterwards (I did not). It has definitely made me more open to the idea of multiple orgasms, and any partner that is not willing to do that for me, I have a vibrator that will.
Tokyo (19)
The first time I used a sex toy, it was a friend of mines. It was after a night out and we all just came back home very tipsy. I picked her vibrator from where it was charging and just used it. She saw me with it and wanted to join in. Our third friend came into the room, saw the both of us and that is what led to the first threesome of my life . Six months later I finally bought mine and I absolutely love it.
Yetunde (21)
So there is this difference between a dildo and an actual penis. The first time I had a strap-on used on me, it felt like I was being fingered. Not because it was small or anything, but because it felt very intimate. She got pleasure from using it on me and that’s basically how fingering works. The second time, I was the one using the strap and it was with a man. It was a bit painful for him at first because it was my first time, but we found a way around it. It made me feel closer to him in some way. I would definitely do it again, but mention to Nigerian men you want to stick a strap in their ass and they no longer like the idea of anal.
Chidera (22)
My first sex toy was a purple rabbit. I did not like it as much because sometimes the part for the clit stimulation would not fit right because you have to stuff the entire rabbit in. So, I took the idea of knowing what I wanted and bought a clit sucker. I still use my rabbit with other partners sometimes, but then I love being able to just stay at home and go at it. Masturbation for me is a short term release that can be super beneficial. My toys make masturbating more fun which leads to more frequent masturbation, and that enables me get respite when sex with another person is not readily available. It stops me from making really reckless decisions.
Celine (23)
I got into BDSM in like early 2014, but did not buy my first kit till 2020. It has cuffs, a leash, blindfold, leather whip, feather, butt plug, other butt relating stuff and a vibrator. Before then, I had been using things like ties and stuff with my male partners (I am the dom). The first person I used the kit on actually broke the chains on the leg cuffs, and I have never been more excited to spend my money on another set. It means I was doing something right. The whip is definitely my best part of the kit.
Amina (27)
A friend of mine had been preaching to me about getting a sex toy because I was always complaining about how men never got it right, and I was too shy to actually say anything to them. For my birthday in February, she bought me this thing called a clit sucker. I actually did not use it until March, when the lockdown was really getting to me. That night, I could swear that my spirit left my body. The next day, I bought my friend a bottle of wine to say thank you. Best. Gift. Ever.
Maserati (34)
I used to be able to squirt, but with my then partner of six years, I never did. Then I got this amazing lelo vibrator (the bullet I had before this was child’s play), and one day while casually going through the different settings and functions, I found myself vibrating and spilling all over. Safe to say, I still got it.
Tola (36)
The first time I wanted to try anal sex, my partner at the time said we should start with butt plugs. I genuinely thought you just stick the penis in the hole with lube and InshAllah, but luckily for me, he knew what he was doing. It took about a week before we actually did anything. What happened was he kept increasing the size of my butt plug everyday. I would walk around for about three to six hours a day with a plug up my bum. At first it was uncomfortable, but as time went on I started looking forward to it. Definitely a fun experience. When the time came to actually have the anal sex, it was very pleasant. The initial discomfort I thought I would feel was not there.
Long before smartphones became popular, sneaking to watch pornography (AKA Blue Film) is something young Nigerians have done. Sometimes, you scale through without wahala, and sometimes, the devil just decides to remember your sins that day. Allow us to take you down memory lane.
1. It begins when your parents leave the house and you are home alone.
And there is light, and because the idle mind is the devil’s workshop, you whip out that contraband CD and slot it in the DVD player. When the show starts, you reduce the volume and feel comfortable.
2. The door is locked, but your ears are active and listening for every sound.
Because if it looks like someone is coming, you need ample time to remove the CD, hide it, switch off the TV, and act like things are normal.
3. Sometimes, it’s a good experience.
NEPA favours you, you get your orgasm, clean up and still have enough time to put things back in place.
4. And sometimes, your village people can decide to play volleyball with your destiny.
This is when NEPA takes light. And you’ve not even reached climax yet. You’ve not even reached rising action.
5. You, trying to remove the CD from the DVD player with a screwdriver.
With your heart beating like hell and you wondering what made you decide to even watch blue film that day.
6. Sometimes, the screwdriver will fail you.
And then you will carry the whole DVD player to the barber’s shop or any place where their generator is on. The devil works hard, but you have a PhD in greater works.
7. And sometimes, when the devil is hell bent on finishing you, nobody in your area will have the generator on.
And so you will sit in horror and wait for NEPA to bring light, so that your parents will not reach the DVD before you and see what you, their innocent child, has been up to.
You only name things you love. For example, your dog, your mobile phone, etc etc. So, if you’ve been looking for ways to show your penis that you love it, we have a list of names for you to consider.
1. Destiny Changer.
2. Rod of Correction.
3. Powerbank.
4. Staff of Office.
5. Odogwu.
6. Sweet and salty.
7. Joystick.
8. Anita (in case you prefer something delicate).
9.Sugarcane.
10. The Explorer.
11. Resurrection.
12. Encounter (imagine telling your lover, “Darling, would you like to have an encounter?)
13. Small but mighty (this one get as e be, but you be man. You go know as you go take put am).
14. Rod of Destruction (God help you if you are a one minute man).
15. Favour (because anyone you give it to is an act of favour. Unless you are cheap sha).
