Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 26-year-old bisexual woman who loves having sex with women. She talks to us about coming out as a lesbian, discovering her bisexuality and not feeling bisexual enough because she doesn’t sleep with men.
Tell me about your first sexual experience
When I was 18, I had sex with my best friend. The two of us had pooled money together to get a hotel room and just rest. We wanted to feel expensive and not have to deal with the problem that is our roommates.
We talked about everything there was to talk about. I told her I’d never kissed anyone before because I didn’t count the two times I kissed boys in primary school. She decided then and there that she’d kiss me and get it over with so I’d know what a real kiss felt like.
Safe to say, we did more than kiss. It was a perfect kiss, in my opinion, and I’m happy it was my first. I think we both realised we liked it a bit more than we’d initially planned. So we kissed again and again, and eventually, moved on to more than just kissing.
How did you feel after?
Even though it was our first time having sex with a woman, what we lacked in experience, we made up for with communication and trust. She had a bit more experience in general, but I didn’t.
I wasn’t an absolute idiot though. I knew what sex was, and at the time, I wasn’t having it because a couple of years prior, I said I’d wait till marriage for purely religious reasons. As I grew older and became less religious, I didn’t have sex because I didn’t get around to it. Men weren’t cutting it for me, and I was too busy and unbothered to consider other options.
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Busy doing what?
Life. There was trying to get into university and dealing with the stress from my parents about being an excellent example to my siblings. Love, romance, sexuality, and all the other things that came with it, were put to the side. When I got into the university, I didn’t find anyone interesting enough to sleep with.
So what happened after sex with your best friend?
Well, we tried to talk about it. Not immediately after because we both passed out and slept, but the next day. We wanted to understand what that meant for our friendship. Was this going to be a regular thing? And was it purely sexual? We decided that we’d continue being best friends and if we chose to sleep with each other, sure.
Nobody batted an eye when they saw us being affectionate because we were already best friends and super close. I’d sleep on her bed, kiss her on her cheek in public and hold hands. We cooked for each other and studied together. It was pretty dope. We also had sex a lot.
After the first time, it’s like the part of my brain that had locked out the possibility was removed. I just wanted to fuck. We’d be sneaking quickies while reading in classes at night or when someone’s roommate wasn’t around. I liked sex a lot and had what I feel is an average amount of it. We were having sex at least three to four times a week.
Unfortunately, she wanted a romantic relationship, and I wasn’t about that life. I enjoyed being her friend who had sex with her, and I felt we would have been terrible girlfriends. She stopped hanging around me as much, and we stopped having as much sex.
From nothing to something to nothing again. How did you feel?
Horny, but there was nothing I could do about it. Sure, I masturbated a bit, but it wasn’t the same. I’ve always believed that having sex with someone else is just so much better than having to do it all by yourself. It adds extra vim. So, safe to say, I wasn’t enjoying myself sexually.
That was until a babe a year above me in my department walked up to me in school. She told me that she noticed my best friend and I’d stopped talking, and does that mean we broke up? I told her we never dated, but she said we acted like a couple. Then, she asked if I was a lesbian.
Since I first had sex with my best friend, I’d never considered myself anything. Labelling my sexuality was not something I thought of. Plus, nobody ever asked me. The rest of the world assumed I was heterosexual and save for my best friend, I wasn’t really doing anything with anyone. That’s why I told her I didn’t know. She said if I liked girls, then I should call her. She gave me her phone number and left.
Lmao, she was interested?
Yes. Apparently, she’d been seeing me around school and thought I was cute but didn’t make a move because I was always with my best friend. We started hanging out and she introduced me to my first queer community. It was during one of such hangouts I decided to finally label myself.
A bisexual man brought his new boyfriend to introduce to us and while people were introducing themselves by their names and sexualities, I just told him I was a lesbian. It felt right. I was attracted to women, I had sex and was having sex with women, and I had feelings for women. I was a lesbian.
How did that feel?
Great, actually. At least I stopped telling people “I don’t know” when they asked me what sexuality I was. I was already doing lesbian behaviour, might as well just give myself the title.
Everyone in the group celebrated my finally figuring it out. My girlfriend — the babe who walked up to me — and I had celebration sex that night. I lived in her house more than I actually stayed in my hostel. So, I was having as much sex as I wanted when I wanted.
I realised that it was a relaxant for me. Whenever I had sex, my body just felt like butter and I slept very peacefully or was able to concentrate on whatever tasks I had left. Extremely sexual behaviour means I’m in my best place mentally and physically.
A couple of months after being together, she graduated from school. We both didn’t have the energy for a long-distance relationship, so we let it rest, and ended on good terms.
A month after the breakup, I started sleeping with someone. Then three months after, I had two steady sexual partners. My sex life was pretty average for a 21-year-old, but I was content. Slept with the same two people because it was convenient and they were attractive. Plus, over time we’d gotten used to how our bodies worked.
But because the world sometimes hates me, my universe was rocked when I met a man. I never found myself attracted to men, but he was something special. He was taller than me and had such a pretty smile. He was a corper doing his service year in the university. We both needed to see one of my lecturers for something. So while we waited outside the lecturer’s office, we talked and exchanged numbers.
We texted every single day and would talk about the most random things. We had a lot in common so we’d talk about the music we listened to. He’d gist me about how serving was trying to take his life.
This continued for about a month, and then, it was final exams and thesis time. He’d get me food while I studied because I forgot to eat. After my exams, he took me out to celebrate. We went to a nice place and I had such a fun time. I wasn’t expecting him to kiss me, but I didn’t hate the kiss. It just felt different. He asked if I wanted to go back to his place and I agreed. I had never had sex with a man before, and I had never considered it, but there I was following him back to his house and having sex with him. I was supposed to be a lesbian.
Did you enjoy the sex?
It was okay. I’d had better, but it wasn’t completely bad. It didn’t last as long as I was used to, so that was a shock for me. In like an hour, we were done. That included kissing and foreplay. I want to think it also wasn’t the best experience for him because I didn’t know what I was doing. In theory, a gay man had taught me how to give a blowjob, but I had never actually done it before.
After the night, I went back to my place. He kept trying to reach me, but I needed to think. Was I someone who slept with men? It wasn’t the best experience but I didn’t hate it. Plus, I was turned on and thought he was attractive. I was having a crisis.
What did you do?
What any sane and normal human would do, have sex with more men. I wanted to see if it was just him.
It was. When it comes to sex, different people make different experiences. The overall experience might be lacking, but they might make up for it in specific ways. Some men I met were experimental. They wanted to try new things. Some were really fun to give blowjobs to because they moaned in ways I liked.
However, there were some hiccups. We might be doing missionary and I’d reach to their chest thinking they had breasts, and when I feel a hard chest, I’d open my eyes and remember I was having sex with a man. I’ve also tried to spank them and bend them over. I think it was a culture shock. Having sex with men took a while to get used to, and after having sex with four of them, I decided that wasn’t a life I wanted to live.
I even dated a man when I was 22 and it was a beautiful three months relationship until I found out he was cheating on me. I experienced the motions of what it’s like to be with men and I didn’t hate it. I just don’t think it’s something I want to do.
I am bisexual because I’m attracted to women and anyone else. Plus, I enjoy having sex in general. It’s just that I have a preference for women. I want to sleep with them, date them and maybe eventually marry one. And that really fucks up with how I perceive myself as a bisexual woman.
When a lot of people hear about bisexual people, they assume a lot of things. One of those things is that being bisexual means you’re supposed to have the same level of attraction to whatever genders you’re attracted to, but I don’t. I haven’t had sex with a man since I was 22, and I don’t think I’d do it anytime soon. But what if one day I see a man I like and his own fear is that I’d leave him for a woman because I don’t like men as much?
It’s been years of battling this thought process, and homophobia doesn’t make it easier, but we move. I’m back to cutting men off of the list of people I sleep with. I’m still a bisexual woman even though a lot of days, I feel less than.
I hope you finally stop feeling less than
Thank you. I mean, I’m not having sex with men to prove my bisexuality. If anyone doesn’t believe me, they can kiss my ass. Sexuality is not one-dimensional. There are a lot of ways it can be presented and that’s okay. I can have sex with a man, enjoy it, and orgasm from it. I can also marry one and start a family. I’d just rather not.
So, how’d you rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10?
If we refuse to count that period in my life when I was trying to figure out my bisexuality, 8. I was and I am having really nice sex with women. I love it here. If we decide to add the men part? 5. I don’t want to feel like I need to walk down that path again.