Sex Life: My Goal Is to Pleasure Myself Not to Orgasm

April 16, 2022

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of today’s sex life is a 26-year-old lesbian woman who is rediscovering her attraction to women. She talks about the rumours that made her start dating men, the guilt that came with having sex with women and currently reexploring her attraction to women.

Tell me about your first sexual experience 

I was 13 years old and in SS3 when a friend of mine and I rubbed up on each other for the first time. On that day, I was talking to some of my friends about how I missed my two boyfriends and wanted to be kissed. And she kissed me. Although it was dark, people saw the kiss happen and laughed. We talked after and she told me to teach her how to kiss because that was her first kiss. We made out every day for two weeks before she called it off because she felt guilty. 

RELATED: 9 Nigerians Talk About Being Queer and Religious

That’s a lot of sexual activity for a 13-year-old 

I knew I liked women since I was in secondary school, but I never really knew what to do about liking women. Boys at school used to ask me out a lot because I was very pretty. One boy in particular was so persistent. He was constantly buying me gifts and begging to be my boyfriend. At a point, my classmates started begging me to say yes to him. 

So I started accepting their proposals so they’d stop. Since I was saying yes to everyone, people started calling me a slut. 

The slut-shaming made me decide to actually start acting like who they thought I was. I’d date one guy and his best friend because that’s what was expected from me. I just never had sex with any of them until I was 15. 

What happened when you were 15? 

I had a 20-year-old boyfriend. I was doing my A levels, and he was in university. I was peak in my reclaiming my sluttiness era and felt in control of my life. 26-year-old me realises I was a minor without any real control of any situation, but 15-year-old me felt on top of the world. 

That’s why I decided to have sex with him. I felt I knew what I was doing. Plus, I got tired of him constantly hinting at sex and decided to just have sex with him. It became a continuous thing that lasted for three months into the relationship, and five months after, we broke up. 

The funniest part of having sex with him was that I kept convincing myself I enjoyed it and that’s what sex was supposed to be like. When I had sex with a woman a year later, I realised I had been deceiving myself. 

Tell me about this woman. 

I met her on Facebook and got a sense that she was gay. I liked her and asked if she was queer but she flat out denied it. She was so defensive about it, so I apologised and went my merry way. Only for her to switch up on me the next day and start telling me she wanted to see me and all of that. 

I was still doing my A levels then, so she came to see me in school. While we were trying to take a picture of ourselves sitting together, she turned around and kissed me. From there, we went to the bathroom and had sex. 

Was this when you accepted you were queer?

I wish. After sex with this woman, I didn’t even come out to myself as a lesbian yet. I already knew I liked women, but having sex with the woman wasn’t enough to cause that. It just made me more aware of my attraction. I still felt I needed to have a boyfriend or like men. However, I still liked women and developed deep feelings for these women. My solution to this was to a boyfriend and a girl I was sleeping with by the side.

 I had fallen in love with another friend when I was 17, but I thought it was just me being “freaky”. I didn’t come out to myself as a lesbian until I fell in love again at the age of 19. 

How did that happen? 

Well, I had a boyfriend who was emotionally and physically abusive to me, and I was cheating on him with a male friend of mine. The male friend introduced me to a babe, and the girl and I got really close. 

She had a boyfriend as well, but we hooked up. Comparing the sex I had with her to the sex I had with the men helped me realise I didn’t want to continue having mid sex with men. The satisfaction I got from her romantically and sexually was the kind of life I wanted to live. 

She was also very political and gave me books about lesbianism. We’d talk about my attraction to women and running away together. It helped me realise I had been suppressing myself and the fact that I had slept with men didn’t mean I wasn’t a lesbian. I broke off my relationship with the guy, and although he was angry, I moved on.  

Did you and the woman make things official?

We were together for about four years. The relationship was too toxic for us to continue and I decided to end it.

Explain toxic…

It was a lot of emotional abuse. She’d shut me out, and I’d get so angry. I’d say hurtful things toward her. We were terrible for each other. 

RELATED: 5 Nigerian Women Talk About Being in Toxic Relationships

What happened after the relationship ended? 

After it ended, I had one more sexual partner before I got into another relationship. This was my second relationship after coming out as a lesbian. The sex was soft and sweet. I was in love with them and whenever they touched me, it felt like butterflies. The sex was very vanilla and a stark contrast to what I had in my first relationship, but I was in love. 

Did you miss the less vanilla sex? 

I won’t say I missed it. I don’t think one type of sex is better than the other. Especially because it was a bit different. What I do know is that I enjoyed that new dynamic with this second partner. 

A year into our relationship, we opened it up and I got a chance to explore other people. We eventually closed up the relationship when we knew we were going to break -up. Closing the relationship up made me realise I miss the freedom to explore other women. That’s why I did just that when we broke up. 

How do you know you’re going to break up with a partner?

We were fighting a lot, so we talked about breaking up six months after we opened the relationship. We loved each other and didn’t want things to end, but the fighting was a lot. The six months was so we could be more intentional about loving each other. 

When we broke up, I started exploring other women. 

Tell me about that.

The relationship ended in 2020, and I’ve used the last two years to have a lot of sex and discover not just myself but also women. 

One thing I’ve learnt about sex is that with every new partner, there might be a different dynamic that comes with the relationship. The person I am currently sleeping with is a talker during sex. She’s constantly asking me what I like and how I like it. I really enjoy that. That’s a dynamic I wasn’t exposed to in the beginning. 

For me, sex is more of the journey than the destination. My goal when having sex is to not have an orgasm but instead to pleasure myself, and I’m doing a lot of that now. 

So, what’ll you rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10? 

I’m getting a lot of pleasure from the sex I am having. I’m having sex with women who are sure of themselves and their sexuality. There’s no guilt attached and I get to learn so much more about myself. Definitely going to give it a 9.5. 

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