Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 25-year-old queer woman who owns half a dozen sex toys and wants more. She talks about her sex toy curiosity, the trial and errors before she found the perfect ones and how she navigates sex with people.
Tell me about your first sexual experience
I’d always known I was queer ever since I was a little child. When everyone did all the variations of “mummy and daddy” play, mine was always with a girl. That’s why it made sense my first time was with a girl.
I was 14, and she was someone I’d had a crush on in secondary school. A few weeks after we graduated, she invited me over to her house when no one was home. After a while, we kissed, and she went to lock the doors so nobody could come in.
I was new to sexual activities, so I wasn’t comfortable with anything being done to me. Since she was more knowledgeable, she took off her clothes and guided me on what to do. It was really nice just pleasuring her. And after that was done, we went to the bathroom and made out.
First sexual experience down, what was next?
Well, university. Growing up, I stayed home a lot, so being in university was like letting loose. I was very open about my sexuality, so I didn’t lack women to sleep with, but they were usually in serious relationships with their boyfriends or even engaged. Did it bother me? No. It was still great.
They would talk about how great sex with me was, and it helped me try to do better. I really enjoyed making sure people had a good time with me. I was young and having sex with all sorts of people. Maybe that’s why I even tried to sleep with men.
LMAO. How did that go?
It can’t happen. It’s like trying to make two like sides of a magnet attract each other. Sure, I find specific type of men really beautiful because, I mean, I’m queer not blind. But I just couldn’t do it.
Even if it’s possible for any reason to find intimacy with men outside the platonic, I can’t morph it into sex or anything serious. So, I’m sticking to having sex with women. Then when I was 19, I decided to buy my very first sex toy.
Why did you decide to buy one?
Well, for as long as I can remember, I’d always wanted one. I would read reviews online from women talking about how sex toys changed their lives, and I wanted to feel what they were feeling. So I bought my very first bullet vibrator.
I won’t lie, it wasn’t so great. The vibrations were too strong and it stopped working after a few days, so I gave up on my sex toy journey. But then, two years later, my birthday was around the corner and my friend had asked me what I wanted. I told her a rabbit vibrator. I thought it looked pretty.
New vibrator, new you?
At all. I didn’t enjoy it. I didn’t like penetration as much, so why did I go ahead and get a fat toy bigger than three fingers to move its head inside me!?!?!
Lucking out twice with sex toys made me think people were lying about these things on the internet.
While I was still figuring out what to do with the rabbit, I tried the clitoral part of it and that felt nice. So I started doing research on sex toys that offered clitoral stimulation.
Did you eventually find one that works?
Yes, with the help of one of my coworkers at the time. I don’t remember what we were talking about, but she told me how she got her first wand and how pleasure almost killed her. So she bought one for me.
Best in coworker tbh. What was it like when you tried it?
I showered first, put on some candles, played some music, then started exploring different parts of my body and the wand’s different modes. I came so much, I started crying. I looked at the toy and kept going “God, abeg”. Honestly, I thought it was trying to take me to see my maker. Never in my life had I had orgasms so intense. I knew I’d found the perfect toy, and it turned me into a sex toy enthusiast.
I was preaching the gospel of sex toys to everyone and even bought for some people. The most important thing was it felt so good, I kept buying more.
How many do you have now?
I have two wands, one clit sucker that might one day kill me, a remote-controlled dolphin-shaped vibrator, a finger vibrator and a butt plug. So, I have six, but I want more.
Sex toys have really helped me connect with myself to find more places I could touch to evoke things. Every time I think my body is used to one thing, I get a new sex toy, and it’s like, “Surprise! Here’s something you didn’t know your body could do”.
The end goal is to have at least a dozen and keep them in a little room.
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And what about sex with other people?
That’s still great. Sometimes, I introduce toys to my partners; other times, I don’t. The first time I tried it, I was 22 and was boasting about how the sex toy would make her see heaven. She not only saw heaven but brought the rains of heaven all over my body and sheets. It was amazing to watch.
A lot of people think once you start using sex toys a lot, you can’t have sex with other people, and that’s just not true. Yes, my toys are great, but sometimes, you crave physical connection. A clit sucker doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten how great it is to have a real tongue. In fact, sometimes, I forget I have the toys. Then when I’m feeling it, I use them.
Human connection and sex toys can coexist, and it won’t ruin your life. You’d have the best of both worlds.
Interesting. Anything else you’ve learnt from using all those sex toys?
Well, for one, just because a sex toy made your friend orgasm till they couldn’t walk doesn’t mean it’ll work for you. People’s bodies are different, which means they react to sex toys differently.
Also, even if wands are your go-to sex toy, it doesn’t mean every wand will work well. They’re made by different companies with different speeds, modes and other things. There might be some trial and error, but if you know the kind of pleasure you’re looking for, you’d figure it out.
What’ll you rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10?
An 8.9. I’m having pretty great sex. Now when I consider trying a new sex toy, it could be for myself or one I want to try with someone else. If it works, great. If it doesn’t, I dump it and try another one.