With all the rain that has been falling recently, I’m genuinely shocked people are still considering long distance relationships. Tunde, in this cold? Is your body not doing you like the rest of us?
For those of you stubborn men who want to date across state lines, here are a few tips from a former long distance relationship expert on how to make it work.
Sir, this one is very very important. You need money to surprise bae once in a while with either your presence or lunch from their favourite restaurant. You also need money for airtime and internet because your phone is about to become your second partner. Do you think all of this will work if you’re wallowing in poverty? Go back to the drawing board.
Invest in firewood
“Body no be firewood”, so maybe it’s time for you to buy a lot of actual firewood to keep yourself warm in the absence of your lover.
Attend every night virgil and revival in your area
Prayer is the key to everything — including a healthy long distance relationship. To protect what you love, my brother, you need to be prayerful. That speaking in tongues? Master it. That anointing oil? Buy it in bulk. Fight for your relationship in the spirit realm to make sure it lasts in the physical. Amen?
Read the news every day to prepare yourself for disappointment
To survive a long distance relationship, you need to understand that your relationship can end at any time. You need to catch up on Nigerian news daily, to practice how to handle the disappointment that is surely coming your way.
Small cheating here and there is not that bad
We are not saying cheat all the way, but a little bit of hanky panky on the low to sustain morale is not bad. By the way, who knows what your partner is doing where they’re staying? Just make sure you know how to cover your tracks.
You need to learn how to lie like a Nigerian politician
It’s just a coincidence that this point comes right after cheating. It’s not planned. But, yes, you need to adorn yourself with the cloak of lies to make sure your relationship lasts. The truth may set you free, but it can also pour sand in your relationship garri. But if Nigerian politicians can get away with barefaced lying every day, why do you feel someone will catch you?
Learn how to enter your partner’s dreams
Out of sight, out of mind. So if you want to constantly be in their sight and mind, you have to be the main character in their dreams. Simple maths.
Be prepared to ask, “What are you wearing?” 1,000 times in a month
Nine times out of ten, “What are you wearing?” is the question that will save your sex life in a long distance relationship. Don’t say I didn’t do anything for you.
Pluck out your eyes to avoid temptation
How will anyone seduce you when you can’t even see them? Your partner will understand that you did it for them, and love you regardless.
Be prepared to answer, “Where are you?” 1,000 times in a week
At some point in your relationship, “Where are you?” will replace “How are you?” and you need to make peace with that. This question is even worse when you’re with someone who doesn’t trust you. If you want your relationship to work, you need to become Google Maps that can tell exact locations in seconds. Good luck!
Buy sim cards from every network
If there’s one thing Nigerian network providers will do, it’s disgrace you. You need to have a lot of backup SIM cards in case your network is not glowing with pride or following you everywhere you go.
Know that heartbreak can come at any time (and prepare for it)
Some people can spot the red flags as soon as they start to pop up — reduced banter, avoiding calls, airing, etc, but for those that need relationship glasses, just prepare yourself for heartbreak in advance so you won’t be shocked when they say, “We need to talk.”
Avoid long distance relationships and know peace
Omo, a long distance relationship in the same city is dangerous, but you want to date someone in another city or state? You clearly like pain because it’ll end in hot tears.