You can’t tell me that you haven’t once thought that some of the things I’ve listed below would’ve been great names for human beings.


A unisex Yoruba name. Kind of like Adeola, Areola would’ve been a name almost every Yourba parent gives their child, like the name Dami. At least five people in the office would’ve been named Areola.


You can call her MJ for short, kinda like the female Micahel Jackson. Marijuana sounds like someone who would’ve loved dancing. She’d be creating TikTok dances for every new Nigerian banger, and her legwork would be fire.


Forget the fact that this is an STD that causes painful urination for a second. Don’t you think Chlamydia would’ve been a gorgeous gorgeous girl? She sounds like a girl that would thrive on the “clean girl aesthetic”, curate the perfect Instagram feed and make cute reels about how great her life is. 


You know those names that are normally given to Igbo girls, like Constance and Charity? Ecstasy would’ve been one of them. I even have a feeling that there’s an Igbo girl with this name already. 

RELATED: A List of English Names That Are Now Igbo Names 


Syphilis sounds like another way to say Philips, just like how Bob is another way to say Robert. Syphilis would’ve been a man who studied pharmacy in uni and decided to become a tech bro three years after. He’d go on and on about how much the Cobra programming language bothered him.


Konji would’ve been the perfect name for a sexy Yoruba man. The type to know about his handsomeness and take advantage of it.  A Yoruba demon with two or three girlfriends from the same friend group. He’d have been the type to cheat with his full chest and blame you for it. 

RELATED: 8 Male Yoruba Names Known for Heartbreak Fight to Defend Their Honour


Hermes and Herpes, I don’t see the difference. This would’ve been the name of a gym bro — Someone who’d always work out his arms and chest, but forget that legs are also a part of the body. 


Zanku would’ve been a fine Hausa man who looked great in suits and trad. Everyone in the office would’ve loved him and his impeccable fashion sense.


Gonorrhoea would’ve been a girl who got upset every time because people couldn’t spell her name, same as Diarrhoea. 


Benz would’ve been an alpha male who constantly told men on Twitter that they’re the prize. All his social media platforms would’ve been dedicated to telling men how to be high-value men and alpha males. 

If you thought this was funny, read about 10 Nigerian Names That Don’t Belong to Babies


Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.