10 Nigerian Names That Don’t Belong To Babies

September 16, 2020

Everyone looks forward to giving their babies really cute names, and there’s a wide array of names to choose from. The names in this article, however, don’t belong to babies. People with these names just appear out of nowhere. Check it out.

1. Odinaka

You’ll never find a baby named Odinaka. Never. Odinakas suddenly appear in bus parks with fully built and muscular bodies, looking for the next person to slap.

2. Sylvanus

I’m even scared to just type out Sylvanus without typing “Uncle” first. These people appear in their mid 40s, already bald, with three phones always ringing about some container that’s about to land.

3. Ojo

Legend has it that if you walk into an evil forest at night and shout “Ojo” three times, a math teacher will appear, holding a cane and ready to resume first thing in the morning. Double period.

4. Rasak

If you think you’ve ever met a child named Rasak, I have just one thing to say to you: Stop doing drugs. Now, walk to five random Bet9ja stores and say you’re looking for Rasak. You’ll find one everywhere. That’s where they appear.

5. Nneka

Aunty Nneka was never a child. She just appeared one day, gapped teeth and all, and started telling you to watch the way you are around boys because men are wicked.

6. Gbenga

An uncle Gbenga is spawned every time there’s a stubborn male child in a household. His job is to correct and chastise.

7. Toun

Almost everybody knows an Aunty Toun. She’s nice, caring and would probably spoil you more than your actual parents. Look for her baby pictures, you won’t find them.

8. Akpan

No child is ever named Akpan. Akpans suddenly exist and start stealing in the market. They’re really fast too, so nobody ever catches them.

9. Femi

Go to the birth certificate registry and look for “Femi.” You won’t find it there. Now go to a gathering for Nigerian women with broken hearts and just whisper “Femi.” Tears everywhere. How?

10. Moji

Try this. Go out tomorrow morning, at 6 am. Keep walking until you find two women talking in front of a gateless house, with toothbrushes in their mouths and bonnets on their heads. Now, say “Moji, did you sleep well?” You’ll get a chorus response from the both of them. This is the only possible sighting of a Moji you’ll ever find because if you go back to that house at 10 am and ask for Moji, everyone would look at you like you’re crazy.

David Odunlami

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