As a Nigerian, it’s okay to ask your friend if “dem they crase” as a joke. These simple everyday phrases are so normal that they might want to slip out at work. No try am sha. That’s where we come in. All those insults you want to throw at your boss? Here’s how to turn them into corporate speak so you don’t lose your job.  

You sure say your head correct so? 

You self look am, you can think it, but you can’t actually say things like these in a proper workspace. Not like that, at least. Dust that dictionary and change it to something sweet like: “Can you confirm that we are both mentally aligned….” You have to be coded with these things. 

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Who ask you?

Nobody is indispensable oh, so before this jumps out of your mouth. Take a deep breath and say this instead: “Kindly inform me where your input was requested in this matter”. This one self get as e be. They might still give you small query, but we move, innit?

How e take be my problem?

Everyone has that coworker from hell whose primary duty is to stress you with their problems. The next time they ask you if you’re available to work on something last minute, instead of letting your village people use you, say this instead: “I understand the urgency of your situation. However, I am unable to prioritise it over my current task”. They’ll always think you’re nice for even replying. 

Una no dey pay me for this one

See, I understand. Sometimes, the frustration dey choke. People will pay you ₦50k to work 12 hours, five days a week, and still call to ask you to work on the lord’s day. That ₦50k no dey hold bele, but it’s better than nothing, so say this instead: “These additional tasks are an expansion of my role. Is there a plan to review my role and compensation to reflect them?” English sweet die. Last last, they will either increase your pay or double the work. The heart of man is desperately wicked.  

You dey talk nonsense 

“I am struggling to understand what you’re communicating”. It’s that simple. It’s not even choosing violence because if you do rubbish based on the nonsense you didn’t understand, you might get fired. 

Who send you message?

For every one Nigerian in existence, there are 10 billion busybodies. Check the Zikoko bureau of statistics if you don’t believe me. Sha, some people like to overdo, and while it’s okay to say, “Who send you message” to your work bestie, these busybodies always take things personally, so try this instead: “Are you certain you’re the appropriate person to execute this task?”

You dey behave like evil spirit

“Are you familiar with the occult? Because sometimes, you exhibit occultic traits”. But as you are saying this one, clear your table just in case. In fact, maybe get a new job in another country two months in advance, make evil spirit no spoil your hustle. 

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