As a Nigerian living in Nigeria, there are days you’ll need a little help so you don’t lose your mind. The nine affirmations below do not guarantee that Nigeria and its citizens won’t do their best to break you. It means that while you’re surrounded by chaos, you’ll at least be trying to manifest a better attitude.
1. “I will not curse anybody’s mother today.”
Everybody in Nigeria is frustrated. As soon as you step out, someone will definitely annoy you. It’s up to you to be the bigger person and leave their mothers out of the insults they deserve. Chanting this affirmation before stepping outside will help you choose peace every day.
2. “Glucose guardian, locate me. And when you do, don’t use me for ritual.”
This is a very valid affirmation because it’s one thing to find a glucose guardian and another thing to find one that isn’t into trading people’s destiny for wealth. Then again, what are you currently using your destiny for?? It might be time to cash it in for an all-expense-paid trip to Seychelles. Destiny is nice, but memories are forever.
3. “I did not kill my mother so Nigeria will not kill me.”
On any given day, there are so many ways Nigeria can kill you. Nigeria’s algorithm can’t be rigged because it doesn’t even work in the first place. You could have a run-in with an okada driver that has a death wish, the roads could give in, the government could import cheap but harmful foods that make your organs shrivel e.t.c. This affirmation is compulsory, not necessary.
4. “Disrespect is reciprocal.”
If respect is reciprocal, it’s only fair that disrespect should have the same quality. No one should be burdened with choosing peace every day. If someone moves mad for no reason, move madder. You’ll feel better. Trust us.
5. “Credit alert locate me. Debit alert avoid me.”
It’s now a running joke that if you breathe in Nigeria, N1k will leave your account. This affirmation helps you manifest more credit alerts than debits. As your crying and praying haven’t worked, there’s no harm in trying something different.
6. “If my boss tries to cost me my heavenly race, we will meet in hell.”
Sometimes choose violence. Just because we called them affirmations doesn’t mean they must be nice. If your boss decides to make life difficult for you, while you’re slaving to capitalism and making a salary that barely pays rent, nobody will blame you for choosing violence. Good luck keeping your job, though.
7. ‘Naira, rise!..”
The goal of this affirmation is to manifest a Nigeria that is human friendly. If the naira increases, the cost of living will reduce and people are less likely to randomly slap you on the road for no reason. Imagine a Nigeria with happy people.
8. “I am love and I am light. Me and conductors will not fight.”
There are principalities and powers, and then there are conductors. These guys bring out the worst in everybody. If you have to enter public transport often, chant this under your breath while they do their best to frustrate you. The worst that can happen is that it works and one less person will insult your mother unprovoked.
9. “This country is not my home. Abroad is the goal.”
You need to say this as you go about your daily life. Say it as you’re in a Keke napep with no roof. Say it as you buy sardine for N700, say it as you stand in a long queue by 7 a.m. in front of a government office you need something from. It won’t take you out of the situation, but it’ll make the situation suck a little bit less.
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