Moderator: Today at Zikoko HQ, we have three debaters — fried, jollof and coconut rice — going against each other for the “Best Rice in Nigeria” title. There are two rounds. The three parties will present their arguments to the judges in the first round.
They have two minutes each to make their arguments, so they need to be as brief as possible. In the second round, they’ll go toe-to-toe. May the best rice win.
Coconut rice, you’re up first.
(Coconut rice walks to the stand)
Coconut rice: Good morning my able panel of judges, accurate timekeeper and moderator. My name is coconut rice, and I’m here to assert the motion that I’m the best rice in Nigeria.
Coconut: Unlike my colleagues, fried and jollof, I’m the healthiest rice. The coconut milk used to make me has anti-viral properties and is good for brain development and bone health. I am not fried or cooked in oil like my opponents here, who can clog people’s hearts from the amount of fat inside them. Also, I’m highly sought after because I’m not common. Also, have you ever walked into a room where I’m being cooked? The aroma is so divine it’ll make you crave me more. I can be eaten alone or with my friends: shrimps, prawns, carrots, peas, beef and co. Whichever way you choose to eat me, I’ll taste great.
(Coconut rice walks back to its seat as Jollof walks to the stage)
Jollof: Good morning, my able panel of judges, accurate timekeeper and moderator. My name is Jollof, and I’m here to assert that I’m the best rice in Nigeria. Now, I’m not going to come here and mention health facts that I Googled five minutes before getting on stage.
(Jollof smirks and looks at coconut rice)
Jollof: I don’t need to say too much. I’m the most popular rice out there. I’m so famous that African countries constantly fight about which version of me is the best. No event is complete without me there, whether it’s a wedding, office party or burial. Even in game nights, I’m there. I’m a delicious necessity; people just can’t do without me.
(Jollof rice walks back to their seat as fried rice mounts the stage)
Fried: Good morning everyone. My name is fried rice, and I’m here to tell you that I’m the best of the best. I may not be at every event like Jollof, but sometimes we end up sitting side by side on plates. When that happens, people tend to eat me more because they’re just tired of Jollof.
Fried: I’m famous in Africa and worldwide. I can be made in many different ways, and you’ll never feel like you’re eating the same type of rice. You can’t get bored with me. Families love me during special occasions like Christmas, Ramadan, birthdays etc. And on that note, I hope I have been able to convince you and not confuse you, that I’m the best rice in Nigeria. Thank you.
(Fried rice walks back to his seat, and the moderator comes back to the stage)
Moderator: Well done on the first round. Now it’s time to face one another. You have five minutes.
Jollof: Fried rice, if you’re so popular worldwide, why are you here trying to fight for the title of the best rice in Nigeria.
Fried: Because Nigerians are yet to properly acknowledge my greatness. And if the judges rule me as the best rice, people will stop serving your mediocre ass at events.
Jollof: I can never stop being served. I am the king of foods in this country, I’ve been around the longest, and I deserve to be voted as best rice.
Coconut: You realise that all you bring to the table is tomato and pepper. You’re literally white rice and stew mixed together.
Jollof: What’s this one saying? Elders are talking, and you think you can put your mouth?
Coconut: Such a classic boomer move, trying to use age to win an argument.
Jollof: Yes, as long as I’m older than you, I deserve to be the best.
Coconut: 2+2 = water bottle. What are you even saying?
Fried: What even gave you the audacity to be here in the first place? Nobody eats you like that. How are you here, and white rice isn’t?
Coconut: How can white rice be here instead of me. White rice can’t even stand without stew.
(White rice walks in through the doors and goes straight to the moderator)
(All the other rice look confused)
White rice: Good morning sir. I just found out there was a debate about the best type of rice in Nigeria, and I don’t know why I wasn’t invited.
Moderator: I’m very sure we sent you an invite.
White: I didn’t see anything in my e-mail.
Moderator: Maybe it’s your network. What network do you use?
White: Glo — shit!
Moderator: You see. Anyway, you’ve already missed the first round, but you can join now and make your case.
(White rice walks over to where the other debaters are)
White: I can’t believe all of you are gathered here to argue about who’s the best rice when I exist.
Coconut: You that depends on other people’s sauce to be eaten?
White rice: That may be true, but the other people I come with are bad bitches — pepper sauce, turkey stew, curries, vegetable stew and so forth.
Fried rice: But you still rely on others
White rice: Don’t you rely on curry and thyme and your many ingredients that take forever to cut? As for jollof, you think you’re big because you’re served at events? I’m a staple food in all Nigerian homes. Hello? Have you heard of Sunday rice?.
Jollof: And that’s why people get tired of your old ass. You may come with many “bad bitches”, but the most common one we know you with is tomato stew that comes with one small piece of chicken.
Coconut: You this baby-boomer rice, you need to rest. Your time has passed. Gen-Z rice is here to take over.
Fried, Jollof and white: Shut up!
Moderator: Okay, that’s enough. Time’s up. Let’s take a short break and give the judges time to collate the results and decide on a winner.
White: But I didn’t even have enough time to make my argument!
Moderator: That’s not on us, blame Glo
White rice: (storms out in anger)
(One of the judges walks to the stage)
Judge: You all did well in your arguments. Unfortunately, one person came late, but we’ve judged according to the arguments they were able to make within the time they had. A winner must still be decided.
Judge: And the best rice to exist in Nigeria is…Fried rice!!!