Nigerian Food | Zikoko!

On this episode of Table Talk, we sit down with Chidi* and Oma* as they take us through their culinary quirks — from go-to meals to no-go food combos — and why food might just be the secret ingredient in their long-distance relationship.

A for Amala

Oma: I love amala and ewedu. Its deliciousness is on another level. If it’s prepared right, I can get high on it.

Chidi: Since I ate amala for the first time, I never looked back. Amala is one of the silliest reasons I moved to Ibadan.

Would you consider it on a first date?

Oma: Hell yes!

Chidi: You need to count me out, please. Let’s eat something else.

B for Budget

How much is a decent amount to spend on food monthly?

Oma: I’ll say ₦50k.

Chidi: Babe? Please, how?

Oma: You know I don’t eat too much. I’m trying to do better with my feeding, but I think that’s a good figure. It doesn’t include takeout sha. With that, we can do ₦80k.

Chidi: I think ₦100k is pretty decent if we include takeout.

Oma: Or we can make it ₦150k because of my cravings. The way I’ve been craving coconut cakes and snacks is just crazy!

Chidi: Well, do I have a choice? Anything to make you happy.

C for Cooking

What’s something you’d love to cook for each other?

Oma: It has to be ogbono. He’s talked my ears off about how the soup is the love of his life — after God and me, of course.

Chidi: I’ll make pasta.

Oma: For who, please?

Chidi: You know I’ve got a bit of proficiency with it, and I have lower chances of embarrassing myself.

Oma: When there’s pounded yam and oha soup? Pounded yam and white soup?

Chidi: Alright then. I guess it’s time to run to YouTube for recipes.

D for Dodo

Oma: Salted, semi-hard fried plantains always. Depending on my mood, it could be ripe or unripe.

Chidi: Wait, this is a discovery. Hard dodo as how? If it’s hard, how is it dodo? From the name do-do, this meal already screams, “I want a soft life.”

Oma: Babe, can you see the pictures? Listen, the only way to enjoy dodo is when it’s semi-hard.

Chidi: You’re alone on this.

E for Egusi

Chidi: Best with pounded yam.

Oma: Well, you know I’m not a big fan of the soup.

Chidi: Actually, I’m with you. It makes my chest burn.

Oma: I listen, I don’t judge.

F for Fine dining

How much is too much when you guys step out?

Oma: As long as the spending doesn’t involve either of us going broke, I think we are good.

Chidi: What she said, because I’d definitely want us to have the time of our lives, but we can’t be washing plates, please. As for the cost, it would be around ₦100k to ₦150k.

H for Home cooked meals

Oma: Cooking can be pretty stressful. I’m down for it sometimes, but I generally prefer eating out because it saves time and stress.

Chidi: I feel a home-cooked meal is really cool, though. I see cooking as bonding time and anytime we do it together, it means a lot to me. It feels like eating before the actual meal.

But I also subscribe to the idea of outsourcing. The ROI on cooking is too low — so much stress for ten minutes of consumption.

G for Garri

Chidi: I think it’s just there for me, and I never see it as a meal. Which one is “I drank garri and went to sleep.” Please, how did you manage to sleep?

Oma: Look at this guy! Garri is a lifesaver and consoler in times of trials and tribulations.

Do you associate it with poverty, Chidi?

Chidi: No. I just think that no matter how broke I am, garri can never be the solution because it’s really not food to me.

Oma: Nawa.

I for Indomie noodles

Oma: Chicken flavour all day, every day.

Chidi: Onion flavour, please. That seasoned oil has a way of elevating the taste.

Oma: You’re just saying your own. It’s chicken flavour over here for life.

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J for Jollof rice

Oma: The king! President-general-among-the-rices, if there’s anything like that.

Chidi: For me, jollof rice is just jollof. Nothing more, nothing less. Bring fried rice, and the party will scatter.

Oma: Please, get him out of here.

Chidi: Continue your agenda.

K for Kitchen

Do you have a dream kitchen?

Oma: I want a kitchen with lots of sunlight, the biggest windows ever and a minimalist vibe.

Chidi: You know I just want to eat. But yes, I know you’ve talked about your dream kitchen several times, and I’ve noted it.

L for Leftovers

How do you feel about eating each other’s leftover meals?

Oma: I’d eat Chidi’s leftovers, as long as it’s not every day.

Chidi: Leftover as how? If it’s not fresh, keep it in your house, except for the leftover asun. Please, bring.

Oma: Anyway, I also draw the line at leftover noodles.

M for Moi-Moi

Chidi: Who will pick and wash the beans? Buy it, please.

Oma: But babe, it would be fun making it together.

Chidi: Okay. I guess the fun starts after you wash and pick the beans?

Oma: You’re not a serious person.

N for Night snacks

Chidi: Does suya count? If it does, yes.

Oma: Pringles. Doritos. Fandangos. White chocolate. Fruit salad.

O for Okpa

Do you have any thoughts?

Chidi: I don’t even know what this tastes like.

Oma: OMG. You need to taste it. I love okpa.

Chidi: I’m open to trying if you buy it for me.

Oma: Deal.

What meal does the LOYL deserve on Valentine’s Day? We have the best recipe suggestions at the end of this article.

P for Pizza

A pizza date…

Chidi: I’m down for it.

Oma: Please. When we can go to the middle of an evil forest battling what we don’t know while eating? The way we’ll fall deeper in love with each other. Babe, won’t we? The experience will bond us in a way we won’t forget.

Chidi: Now that I know your thoughts toward me, I know what to do.

Oma: I was just kidding. But yes, if I had to plan a food date, I’d say an open space where I can lay a mat, and we can watch the sunset while eating.

Chidi: Much better.

Q for Quesadilla

Chidi: Never had it. I will gladly try.

Oma: Hell yeah! It’s on our list of things we need to try out.

R for Rice at home

Chidi: There’s always rice at home once the food is 3x the last price.

Oma: I’ve got to agree with you on that.

S for Semo

Oma: I’d rather eat pounded yam, amala, fufu and maybe even eba. But Chidi thinks it’s the best swallow in the world.

Chidi: That’s because it is. Everyone needs to leave every other swallow and commit to eating semo. Only people who eat semo should go to heaven.

Oma: Who is this one?

T for Turkey

The GOAT of proteins.

Chidi: Where will you put chicken?

Oma: I don’t have a preference. Whether it’s turkey, goat…whatever…I no too get wahala.

U for Unusual pairings

What weird food combination do you like?

Oma: I love rice and okro.

Chidi: I need to cancel you.

Oma: Taste before judging. It’s so fucking good. It’s perfect…almost heavenly, I tell you. It’s gold.

Chidi: I’ll pass. But my best weird combo is spaghetti and beans.

V for…Viju Mik(?)

Chidi: Viju milk chocolate?

Oma: Viju milk (orange flavour)

Chidi: This shouldn’t exist. Come to the light — chocolate.

X for Xtra portions

When does it become gluttony?

Chidi: There’s no gluttony in my dictionary. Please, my babe is allowed to eat till she’s filled. Secret: I can eat four wraps of shawarma and stand up like nothing happened.

Oma: Even the wisest man to ever live said in Ecclesiastes 5:18-20, “I have seen what is best for people here on earth. They should eat and drink and enjoy their work, because the life God has given them on earth is short.”

Y for Yam

Chidi: I love yam, and it’s best when pounded.

Oma: I “yam” in love with my man.

Z for Zobo

Chidi: When there’s tiger nut?

Oma: And strawberry milkshake.

READ THIS NEXT: 7 Recipes to Try for the LOYL on Valentine’s Day
On Monday, February 5, 2024, Chishuru, a UK-based restaurant founded by Nigerian chef, Adejoke Bakare, was one of 18 restaurants awarded with a Michelin Star. This makes her the first black female Michelin-starred chef in the UK, and second in the world.

Michelin Stars are given by a collective of inspectors employed by the Michelin guide, who visit different restaurants in about 40 countries, as anonymous customers.

Photo source: Instagram/@chishuru

A brief history of Chef Bakare and Chishuru

Chef Bakare’s interest in the culinary world dates back to her years in Kaduna, where she grew up with a Yoruba mother and an Igbo father. As a child, she enjoyed watching her maternal grandmother cook, so she never considered cooking for her siblings as a chore. Her love for cooking continued even as a student of biological science at the university in Kaduna. “My culinary experience up to that point was running a fish and chips cart while I was studying,” Bakare revealed in a Guardian UK interview.

She eventually moved to the United Kingdom in the 1990s and worked in the care and property management industries before friends encouraged her to start a supper club in 2017. Fast forward to 2019, she participated in a Brixton Village competition that rewarded the winner with an opportunity to operate a three-month pop-up restaurant.

“When I won, it was almost like a sign to go, “OK, you can now do those things that you want to do. There is an avenue for me to get on doing food more professionally.”

In September 2020, months after the triumphant win, Chishuru was born as a pop-up serving contemporary West African dishes. The restaurant’s West African cuisine quickly gained popularity among the Brits, especially customers who grew up in West Africa and were familiar with the region’s culinary offerings, earning her a feature on Great British Chefs in 2023 and a recognition in the top 100 restaurants in the UK at the National Restaurant Awards.

Photo source: Instagram/@chishuru

By 2023, Chishuru had outgrown Brixton Village, prompting a move to Fitzrovia, London.

“With a mixture of great relief and excitement we can finally announce that reservations are now OPEN for our restaurant in Fitzrovia!” read a post shared on the restaurant’s official Instagram page in August 2023.

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A Michelin-starred restaurant

Photo source: Instagram/@chishuru

On Monday, February 6, news broke that Chishuru achieved the Michelin milestone, less than six months after setting up a permanent place in Fitzrovia in September 2023.

“Until this morning I was just focused on enjoying the accolade itself, which I’m hugely honoured by. But seeing reactions on social media today, I’m starting to feel a weight of responsibility on my shoulders too. It’s lovely,” she said in an interview.

Nigerians have also taken to social media to celebrate chef Adejoke Bakare for the inspiring and record-breaking feat.

What does Chishuru serve?

Chef Adejoke Bakare told the Guardian that Chishuru’s menu is not restricted to Nigeria food.

“You can’t describe our food as “Nigerian” though, because there’s no one food tradition… much of the culinary history predates the lines on a map. My parents are Yoruba and Igbo, and I grew up in Hausa territory, so my food is informed by all three of those culinary styles.”

The restaurant offers a set menu only, priced at £75pp for dinner and £35pp for lunch. Chishuru’s lunch menu features fermented crispy rice cake with smoky, meaty mushrooms, creamy and light corn cake with fragrant coconut, date and tamarind sauce and grilled breadfruit. For dinner, the restaurant serves moi-moi (bean cake, bone marrow, omelette, red pepper, scallop roe), peppersoup (seasonal shellfish, radish, apple), asun (roasted cull goat belly, glaze, pepper relish) and imoyo (Newlyn cod fillet, fermented tomato sauce, Scotch bonnet, okra).

Want to start your culinary journey? This article offers insights: How to Become a Chef in Nigeria
As a kid, soy sauce was one of those condiments in my mother’s kitchen that I didn’t quite understand. I don’t think she understood it either. It was just there on the rack, collecting dust and grease. On days when I tried to test my culinary skills, I’d get lucky with curry and thyme, but never with soy sauce. It was too salty, and once, the dark brown colour left my fried egg a complete mess. Like my mum, I abandoned it on the rack, hardly using it even when a recipe called for it.

Nine years later, I crossed paths with soy sauce again while I was at the NYSC orientation camp in Iyana Ipaja. Camp food was unpleasant, and it was hard to tell which Mami Market vendors had the best offering. But one name kept coming up from my roommates: Korede Spaghetti. Everyone swore by how tasty it was until I made a trip to Mami Market to find out for myself.

I’d make about 15 trips to Korede’s stall throughout my stay in camp. There was something different about his stir-fried spaghetti and jollof. The colour was a dark brownish red that leaned towards waakye but just wasn’t as dark. It wasn’t until my final week in camp that I discovered one of his not-so-secret ingredients.

That day, I’d gotten to his stall a little too early and was lucky to watch him season the pasta. As someone who enjoyed cooking, I paid attention to everything that went into his wok, as I had plans to recreate the recipe once I got out of camp. Right there, I watched him pull out a bottle of soy sauce — the same one we’d abandoned in my mother’s kitchen — and sprinkle a generous drizzle on the pasta. I watched the pasta go from bright red to the dark brownish red that had been a mystery all the while.

The next time I was at a supermarket, I picked two bottles of soy sauce off the rack, and from that moment on, there was no going back. But I wasn’t alone in my culinary discovery.

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A culinary fraud

On Monday, December 19, Nigerians came across a whistleblower’s tweet raising concerns over the many versions of Amoy, a Japanese brand that had gained dominance in the Nigerian soy sauce market. The X user shared pictures of the product with altered spellings from prominent supermarkets and department stores in Nigeria.

The tweet would serve as a wake-up call to Nigerians who dashed to their kitchens to check their condiment racks. Pictures of soy sauce bottles with AMQY, AMOY’c and AMOYI, soon flooded the internet, with only a few boasting of the original product.

Amid the bigger conversation of the health and safety hazards to buyers of fake food products, other questions loomed: Why are Nigerians invested in soy sauce? What do they cook with it?” I had to find out.

Taiye discovered soy sauce through Nigerian food bloggers on Instagram and YouTube who all seemingly had a craze for stir-fry and gravy recipes.

“Since the food bloggers swore by it, I knew I had to stock up. I love anything stir-fry, so I use it for my stir-fried rice, spaghetti and noodles. It also gives a flavour that’s common to Asian recipes. And since most stir-fry recipes have an Asian origin, it made sense to me to use an ingredient they use to make the meal as authentic to the recipe as possible.”

“I started a stir-fry pasta and jollof rice business four months after NYSC but noticed something was off about the colour of the food I sold. Mine came out like the regular jollof rice and pasta, and I didn’t like it. I checked the pages of food vendors in Lagos who sold the same meals, and noticed the distinct colour of their meals. In their tutorials, they claimed soy sauce was the secret behind the colour, but I wasn’t convinced. Later, I visited a caterer friend in Lagos and saw her using it to cook. I didn’t bother to ask questions, but I returned to Abeokuta with packs of dark soy sauce. I can’t remember if I even got the real deal or one of the counterfeits. But that hack changed the game for my business before I shut it down to relocate,” Damilola, a food vendor said.

One thing is clear, for most Nigerians, soy sauce is first considered for the aesthetics it brings to meals above everything else.

“I knew it as an ingredient for seasoning, but I just never knew how to use it. It’s salty and doesn’t give the savoury sweetness you’d get from seasoning cubes,” Kehinde, a soy-sauce consumer, shared. “One day, I was going through my WhatsApp status and one of my male friends who loved cooking shared a picture of this wicked-looking stir-fry rice. I’d made stir-fry in the past, but it never had the colour I saw in my friend’s photo. I stormed his DM with a simple comment: “How did you get it to look this way?” His response? Soy sauce. And that was how I returned to this ingredient I once disregarded.”

ALSO READ: Moringa Benefits for Women: What It Does and How to Use It

Fake or original, is soy sauce safe?

Some Nigerians, who aren’t fans of soy sauce have questions about the risk factors of a condiment that’s seemingly high in sodium.

Here’s a breakdown of one tablespoon of soy sauce according to experts:

Calories: 8

Carbohydrates: 1 gram

Fat: 0 grams

Protein: 1 gram

Sodium: 902 mg

Just one tablespoon provides 38% of the Recommended Daily Intake (RDI) of sodium. Moderation is key and it is advisable to not pair the sauce with processed food. In Nigeria, where soy sauce is mostly combined with processed chicken franks and sausages, the health concerns raised are valid.

Since I rediscovered soy sauce during NYSC in 2018, my relationship with the condiment has been at a safe arm’s length. I’ve always known there was something much too salty about that sauce. It only makes a grand appearance in my kitchen the few times I’m in the mood for stir-fry pasta or rice. And with the current conversation surrounding fake products everywhere, I’m caught in a web of confusion. Do I check that I have the correct brand of Amoy in my cabinet or postpone till my next stir-fry craving jumps out sometime in 2024?

QUIZ: What Brand of Soy Sauce Are You?
They might carry fancy names like suya melt, designer noodles and agege burger these days, but these suya recipes are rooted in the trenches.

Designer noodles

Source: Dobby’s Signature

As an undergrad student, noodles and eggs didn’t quite hit the spot for me, and I couldn’t afford to go all out and buy turkey or chicken as my protein option, but with as little as ₦200 suya, my noodle game took a straight zero to 100 spin. Find a full recipe here.

Agege bread suya

Source: Myactivekitchen

I remember visiting a friend once, and he went on and on about giving me a burger treat. Tell me why this brother showed up with agege bread? Anyway, he told me not to judge but to take a bite first. I did, and it was the best thing that entered my mouth that month. He’d sandwiched the bread with a rich serving of beef suya, yaji and mayo. Find a recipe here.

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Suya rice

Source: AnitaOkereke

I remember an older cousin making this when I was younger on days when we were home alone and couldn’t pull enough money for Mr Biggs. It was an elevated version of concoction rice, only with a generous serving of suya. These days, you’ll find bougie Lagos restaurants calling it “Designer Jollof” and charging through the roof. Find a full recipe here.

Suya Shawarma

Source: Sisi Jemimah

Suya is a cheaper filling compared to chicken franks or chicken breast. But the yaji spice has a way of elevating the taste of shawarma. Find a full recipe here.

Suya sauce

Source: Cookpad

Another trenches-inspired recipe, this sauce bangs when you don’t have enough money to cook a proper pot of stew with chunks of beef, chicken or turkey. A quick linkup with the maisuya on your street, and with ₦500 suya, pepper mix and seasoning, you’ll have yourself a tasty sauce for white rice or pasta. Find a full recipe here.

Garri and suya

Source: Scrollforth

The good ol’ unceremonious way of enjoying suya. You don’t need a recipe for this, just make sure you use mortuary-standard water for the garri. I may have added yaji spice to my garri for extra tinge, but that’s just the Yoruba in me.

Suya fried rice

Source: AromaArena

The trenches version of fried rice complements the absence of liver and shrimps with soulfully spiced chicken or beef suya. I fell in love with this recipe after ordering from a popular IG vendor, and I’ve never gone back. Find a full recipe here.

You’ll have your fill of grilled, peppered or fried meat and many more at Zikoko’s meat festival on November 11. Have you bought your Burning Ram ticket? You can do that real quick here.
My friends never agree with me when I argue with my full chest that there’s no beating turkey’s supremacy. It’s that meat that gives, whether you’re having it with swallow, rice or as a standalone grilled or peppered treat.

Since Artificial Intelligence (AI) claims to know all, I decided to put it to the test. I went to the almighty Chat GPT to help us rank the best meat for swallow in particular. While I can’t say I completely agree with this list, AI told no lies.

6. Goat meat

Source: Dooneyskitchen

If you can ignore the strong stench, Chat GPT might have a point here. Goat meat is bae, especially when you have it with white or black amala. But why does it have to be so expensive? A portion sells for as high as ₦500 – 1000 at local bukkas. Not a good spend when you consider the ponmo you’ll get at the same price.

My ranking: 3

5. Chicken

Source: Sisijemimah

How can? I completely disagree with this ranking. The only time chicken should show face on your plate is when it’s with rice, spaghetti or chips. If for any reason you choose to serve chicken with any Nigerian swallow, it should be deep-fried to a crunch and soaked in the pot of soup for three working days.

My ranking: 4

4. Beef Suya

Source: SisiJemimah

Sound ridiculous, but AI might be on to something here. Have you ever tried a generous serving of spicy suya with vegetable soup? It is a serve. However, by all means, avoid kilichi with any type of Nigerian swallow.

My ranking: 5

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3. Catfish or tilapia

Source: Dobby’s Signature

The focus is meat, but if AI insists we should include any type of fish in this list, then I’ll have to partially agree. I think the only acceptable way to eat catfish is to have it smoked to perfection or in a spicy pepper soup broth. Tilapia, on the other hand, is a serve with any Nigerian swallow.

My ranking: 6

2. Turkey

Source: Queenvarieties

This is your second reminder that this user is a shameless turkey stan who believes in the ultimate supremacy of turkey. Grilled, peppered, fried, boiled, it’s the one meat that goes with all swallow and all its varying servings.

My ranking: 1

1. Offal (Tripe, liver, kidney)

Also known as “inu eran”, there’s no 100% amala satisfaction without a generous serving of stewed offal. It’s the only way to enjoy the true amala experience, although I cannot say the same for other swallow offerings.

My ranking: 2

You’ll have your fill of grilled, peppered or fried meat and many more at Zikoko’s meat festival in November. Have you bought your Burning Ram ticket? You can do that real quick here.
I recently struck a bet with my friend, Ori Ejo, who was visiting Lagos for a couple of days from Osogbo. He went on and on about how we’re suffering in Lagos, paying the most for the most basic things. I couldn’t let that slander go.

Yes, I know Laygurss is expensive, but it’s not so bad that you can’t ball on a ₦5k budget.

So I told Ori Ejo I’d go on a ₦5k meat tour, and it’d be far better than what ₦5k will get him in Osogbo.

A little back story about Ori Ejo. He’s the friend in this article who crushed seasoning cubes on chunks of snake meat. Ori Ejo, which means “snake head” in Yoruba, became my nickname for him after I discovered his love for snake meat.

Now, what do you get for ₦5k on the streets of Lagos? First off, erase any idea of private cabs for this mini adventure. But it’s not like okadas and keke maruwas are cheap these days, no thanks to the fuel subsidy removal.

My take-off point was the popular Olosha market in Mushin because there was no way I’d miss out on linking up with my meat plug. He has the best ponmo deals that fit right into my ₦5k budget. I got a decent cut for ₦800 and was left with a balance of ₦4000 — after paying ₦200 for t-fare.

Next was this barbecue spot around Shitta Underbridge in Surulere. I used to eye this spot a lot because there was always a long queue of people trying to buy from them, and that meant they had to be doing something right. Tell me why I got there and these guys wanted to charge ₦3000 for barbecued chicken and chips. I mean, it’s a fair price, but I expected a cheaper deal for a street spot. ₦3k would’ve done serious damage to my budget, so it was a no-no.

Burning Ram is Coming. Sign up to be notified when ticket sales begin.

But you see, the beauty of Layguyrss is you’ll always find something. What did I find in this instance? Grilled chicken franks. I didn’t even know this was a thing, but it looked so good, I had to try it. It was just ₦300 for a stick. I bought two.

I knew this my waka wouldn’t be complete without suya and turkey, but I also knew it’d be hard to get both on a ₦3k budget. This is where connection comes in. Sorry to break it to you, but you cannot go far in Lagos without connections. It doesn’t even have to be people in government. You also need to know people in the streets to amp up your street cred.

To cut the long story short, I hopped on a bus to Aguda, where my brother had a turkey grill spot. I mean, I wasn’t even supposed to pay but I had an agenda that needed to agend. I sweet-talked my brother into selling a piece of turkey wing for ₦1500. The going rate would have been ₦2k.

I was running out of cash and knew it was time to head back home. But not without suya. I had a plug, Bello, just outside the LUTH gate in Idi-Araba, and he was the perfect person to wrap up this waka. My ₦1500 got me a stick of chicken suya at ₦500, beef suya at ₦400 and ₦200 masa.

I gagged Ori Ejo when I returned home, but it wasn’t because his point about Lagos being expensive was wrong. I was just street-smart.

Now, who wants to give me ₦100k to properly eat all the meat I want at the Burning Ram meat festival in Laygurrrsss?

Sign up here to be notified when ticket sales begin.

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I’m not sure who’s in charge of these things, but it’s about time we wrap up the boli, jollof and ofada rice festivals. Before you crucify me, I’m all for celebrating our local cuisines, but let’s be real, are these the OG meals that hold us down?

On your broke and tired AF days, did you go running after firewood jollof or ofada rice with assorted beef? I don’t think so. These are the meals we need to give their flowers from now on.

Garri

Nigerians go on and on about how garri has been a lifesaver since time memorial, but not one person has considered throwing a festival for this meal? Come on now. It’s giving selective favouritism. We need to throw a huge festival of garri lovers for this versatile staple. I mean, it gives us eba, garri cake, garri soup, good ol’ soaked garri with groundnut and more.

Agege bread

Source: K’s cuisines

Right after garri as a lifesaving Nigerian staple is agege bread. I can’t count how many days I didn’t know what to eat and agege bread came through — the hot, fluffy and brown type that soaks up the butter after each spread. We need a festival that’ll have the best agege bread, aganyin beans and akara sellers on ground.

Beans

Source: Playfoodbyyinka

People can act like they don’t give a shit about beans, but in the grand scheme of things, this is one Nigerian staple we can’t seem to do without. Gbegiri, akara, ewa aganyin, moi-moi, beans porridge, beans and corn… do I need to keep going, or can you see the range?

Agbado

At least, we’re sure to get government sponsorship with this one. Our president may roll his eyes at other meals on this list, but we know where his heart is when it comes to maize. We’re living in the agbado season. What better way to celebrate this staple than with an agbado festival? From roasted corn and coconut to buttered corn to boiled corn and ube to beans and corn, the meal options at the festival will be surplus.

Poundo yam

I’ve got a strong feeling that classism is the only reason why we’ve singled out amala to be celebrated out of all the Nigerian swallow offerings. Poundo yam should be that guy. Easy to make, no weird smell and goes well with all the soups you can possibly think of. We’ll just need festival attendees to show up and show off the best soup from their tribes.

Suya

My question is, how did dodo and Ofada rice get their own festivals before suya? Remember all the nights when you needed a chewy protein to accompany your garri, noodles or concoction rice? Suya was there. We’ll change suya’s story soon.

We’re here to change suya’s story. Burning Ram, our latest upcoming meat festival, will give this GOATed meal its flowers.
It’s getting harder to enjoy the simple things of life in Nigeria, so we really need Jagaban to do something fast about the food inflation problem.

Chicken, turkey and beef have now become optional in a lot of homes, with some people saving it for special occasions only. God, abeg. Things are THAT bad, and that’s why this article exists.

Eggs

You might not get the chewy and juicy satisfaction that beef or turkey gives, but at least, protein deficiency will have nothing on you. Bonus point if you deep fry your boiled eggs and soak them in the stew.

Ponmo

Don’t go for the regular type. Ask the market traders for “white ponmo”. It’s tastier, cleaner and sometimes comes with small chunks of beef! You should also season and boil properly before throwing in your soup.

Round fish (panla)

Think of how garri saves life, and you’ll come to truly appreciate this fish. With ₦1000, you can get five to eight pieces, depending on the size and market you’re buying from.

Dry red prawn

Source: 24 hours market

Best for when you’re making budget soups like ogbono, okra or egusi. A small peak milk tin of them sells for ₦500 – ₦700.

Crabs

Source: Alice

Forget the expensive price points at restaurants and fast-food joints, crabs are one of the cheapest seafood options in the market. A thousand naira worth might even be too much for a family.

Dried crayfish

Source: Market NG

You might not get anything to chew on, but this will elevate the taste of your vegetable, ogbono or egusi soups.

Chicken feet

Source: Simply Recipes

Forget the bad PR, this is actually a great protein option you should consider whether you’re on a budget or not. The major key here is to clean and season properly.
Nigerians always get creative in finding new and hilarious coping mechanisms when our leaders show us shege pro-max unprovoked, which is all the time.

A tray of groceries, chocolate crunchies, floating berries, sweetener and white caramel

In case you’ve heard your friend or neighbour using the phrase “floating berries and groceries” loosely on Twitter, it’s not because they’re rich. Let’s bring you up to speed real quick.

Grocery

The most popular of the bunch, grocery in Jagaban’s Nigeria is simply the new name for garri.

Floating berries

Our sense of humour will always get us through the tough times because tell me why this is the new name for groundnut. Tears!

Spicy steak

There’s no need to feel intimidated if your friend goes on and on about spicy steak. In Tinubu’s Nigeria, that’s the new name for kilishi.

White caramel

Source: All recipes

Look no further, this is milk—whether powdered or evaporated.

Crunchy peas

Source: cookpad

One of the biggest scams of the agbado era is the new name for roasted corn.

Sweetener

Source: CNN

Sugar has also gotten a fancy name. For example, if you want to have garri with milk, groundnut and sugar, you’ll say: “I want to have some groceries, floating berries, some sweetener topped with a dash of white caramel.”

Seafood

Source: wikimedia commons

Please dear, you won’t be getting jumbo prawns or calamari. This is the new name for deep-fried panla. God, abeg.

Chocolate crunches

Source: Tasteatlas

Again, no need for any form of intimidation if you see anyone using this term loosely in Tinubu’s Nigeria; they’re talking about kulikuli.

Heated maize smoothie

Source: Grainfield

You’ve probably had it while it was cold and raining but since you were not informed at the time, now you know this is pap. A.k.a ogi.

Oceanic Aqua

Source: iStock

A glass of oceanic aqua please.
Stew is on his way back home exhausted after long board meetings with tomato, pepper and onions. He can’t wait to get back to his wife, white rice, who decided to work from home today.

He gets home, unlocks the door, and the first thing he sees when he enters is his wife on the dining table with Egusi on top of her.

Stew: W—what’s going on?

White rice: Babe, it’s not what it looks like. I swear!

Stew: Of course, you’ll use the standard cheating line.

White rice: I’m not cheating, babe. It’s really not what it looks like.

*Egusi just sits there looking smug.*

Stew: I can’t- I can’t do this. *Stew storms out of the house and drives off*

White rice to Egusi: Why are you just sitting there? Why didn’t you tell him the truth?

Egusi: What truth? That I finally got the girl I wanted?

White rice: Are you mad?

Egusi: White rice, you know I’ve wanted you for a long time. And I always thought you deserved better than boring ass stew.

*White rice looks at Egusi like she wants to slap the hell out of him.*

Egusi: I don’t even understand why you’re upset. The way he reacted without giving you the chance to explain shows he clearly doesn’t trust you.

White rice: Anybody would react the same way after seeing someone on top of their partner.

Egusi: I wouldn’t have. And that’s why you should be with me?

White rice: Are you okay? Aren’t you dating eba?

Egusi: Forget about that. That’s not important.

White rice: Now. I see why pounded yam broke up with you. Mscheeew

*Egusi tries to hold White rice’s hand but she pulls it away*

Egusi: White rice, you and I are meant to be, and you know this. People outside say we’re a bad combination, but I disagree. We go perfectly together. Fuck what anybody else says.

*White rice looks at Egusi with irritation.*

White rice: You’re just saying rubbish. Please, leave my house.

Egusi: But we haven’t finished —

White rice: Get out!

It’s the middle of the night. White rice is sleeping in the living room when she hears a rustling of keys and realises it must be stew coming back home. She hopes to God he has calmed down.

Stew unlocks the door. When he walks in, it’s clear he’s been drinking palm oil, way too much of it.

White rice walks over to help him before he hurts himself. There goes the conversation she wanted to have with him tonight.

Stew: You hurt me *in a slurred voice*

White rice: I promise you I didn’t, baby. But we’ll talk about it tomorrow.

Stew: Tomorrow, I’m moving out.

*White rice drops him on the bed*

White rice: You’re not going anywhere in Jesus’ name. This was all a misunderstanding and we’ll sort it—

She hears some snoring and realises Stew is fast asleep.

She sighs and begins to take off his shoes and pants.

White rice is sitting up in bed using her phone when she hears Stew groan beside her.

White rice: Good morning, ba-

Stew: You’re texting Egusi, abi?

White rice: What? Okay, time to put all of this to an end. I need you to not say anything while I talk, okay?

*Stew rolls his eyes*

White rice: You know how this brand called Zikoko is always pushing the agenda that people should eat me and Egusi together?

Stew: Oh, I should answer? You said I shouldn’t talk na. Okay. Yes, I know.

White rice: So they reached out to me and asked if I’d take a picture with Egusi for one of their articles. They offered to pay a huge sum of money, and since we’re trying to japa, I agreed.

Stew: If so, why didn’t you take the picture side by side?

Egusi: Because they wanted to show that Egusi and I really belonged together. If we didn’t do it like that, they wouldn’t have paid. I can show you the email. I’m not lying, babe. And we weren’t even naked. I’d only been parboiled, and Egusi wasn’t completely done.

Stew stares into his wife’s eyes and sees she’s actually telling the truth.

Stew: I’m sorry I didn’t give you the chance to explain, babe.

White rice: I completely understand. You owe me extra meat for the stress sha.

Stew: Hahahaha

And they lived happily ever after.

ALSO READ: Amala, Pounded Yam and Eba Debate for the Title of Best Swallow