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In 2020 we published a comprehensive guide on the places to find a sugar daddy in Nigeria. Now that you’ve found one, what next? This article is a guide on the qualities to look out for.

1) He sleeps/attempts to sleep with only one of your friends

All because he’s a thoughtful person who doesn’t want to embarrass you in public.

2) He asks God for forgiveness immediately after every round of sex

Because he’s actually God-fearing uno?

3) He does only one round of sex

Because he understands that your body is a temple and he treats it as such.

4) He doesn’t fornicate on Sundays

This is where he draws the line.

5) He under promises and over delivers

You: Will I have a good time?

Sugar daddy: I’ll try my best.

Narrator: They had a hell of a good time.

6) He allows you sleep off on his arm

Younger men left the chat.

7) He lives up to the “sugar” in his name

Anything you want, he buys it.

8) He’s honest about his wife’s ability to fight and beat you up

“Kikelomo, my wife can fight. If you ever see her in public, start running oh.”

9) He doesn’t lie about leaving his wife for you

Everyone is aware that they are here for a good time and not a long time.

10) He’s honest about which holidays you get to spend with him

“Asake, Christmas and New Year is for the family but I’ll spend Children’s day and Independence day with you.”

[donation]
Dear Nigerian men, we heard that you people have created the Stingy Men Association of Nigeria. We are happy for you oh, may your stinginess open more doors for you (or not).

Anyway, if you are part of the Stingy Men Association of Nigeria and you fall under any of these categories we are about to mention, oga, please remove yourself from that group with immediate alacrity.

1. Men that still live with their parents.

You too, reason it. You’re enjoying your parents generosity, eating their food and hibernating under their roof, but outside you’re doing SMAN. Does it make any sense to you? If your parents decide to join Stingy Parents Association of Nigeria, what will your story be?

2. You’re still dropping your account number under giveaway posts.

Stingy Man that wants to collect oshofree. No be so dem dey do things nau.

3. Men that use their hair cream as body cream.

Oga, that stinginess you want to show Nigerian women, maybe you should rethink it. Because which Nigerian woman wants to be with a man who cannot even buy body cream for himself?

4. Men that are still in the university.

Or rather, boys. This is an important period of your life. Is it stinginess you want to use it and do? Your mates are out there, busy achieving great things, but you’re shouting on the internet that you belong to SMAN. Ngwanu, even if you’re not a part of SMAN, who is asking you for money anyway?

5. Men without two bank accounts.

Maybe your financial status would have changed a lot if you did not spend so much time worrying about how to be stingy to Nigerian women.

If you fall under any of these categories, go back to the drawing board and rethink your life. It’s not everything you must join.

That’s our own advice for you.
If your boyfriend does at least five of the things on this list then you need to fix up.

1) He doesn’t pack your plates when you eat outside

This is a red flag that shows that he doesn’t have home training. Run!

2) He eats more than one piece of meat when he visits your house

This just shows that he’s greedy and will keep on taking and taking until there’s nothing left of/for you.

3) He wears tight cloths

He’s not protecting his chastity for you. Reddest flag.

4) He doesn’t hunt and kill the meat you people eat

Weakling!

5) Neither does he grow the food you people eat

He’s definitely not husband material.

6) He’s always asking for sex

Only God knows what his body count is. His groom price is definitely in the gutters.

7) He complains of hand pain when you sleep off in his arms

Real men are silent about pain like the “g” in Lasagna.

8) He grumbles when you send him on errands.

My good sis, is he even ready?

My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…

and its a text from my wife:

Please bring the chips on your way back
— Doc  (@DocAtCDI) January 11, 2021

[donation]
If your Nigerian man does any of the following then we have urgent news for you.

Check it out below:

1) He sends Good Morning messages

This is his way of secretly checking to see that you’re where you said you slept. Stay woke sis.

2) He texts you throughout the day

He doesn’t love you sis, he’s just trying to kill your phone battery so you can’t text any other person.

3) He sends food to your office

The delivery man is a spy. Stay guiding and stand well.

4) He buys you the latest trendy gifts

There’s a microchip tracker in it so shine your eye well.

5) He’s always visiting you

Because there’s a mic in your house that’s recording all your conversations.

6) He’s cool with your siblings

Because he has recruited them against you. Your siblings are now equally yoked with the enemy.

7) He’s constantly doing anon for you on Twitter

He’s hoping that one day you’ll slip up and thank the wrong “anon.” God no go shame us.

8) He’s always kissing with his eyes open

This is to gauge your facial expression. If you don’t look happy, he’ll conclude that you’re kissing another person.

9) He’s fond of surprise visits/gifts

It’s not love. He’s just trying to surprise your other boyfriend. Plan yourself well.

[donation]
If you’re a man, you definitely need to read this. Urgently.

1) Tightening cream

You know that virgin phallus has to be taut. That’s why you need to employ creams that’ll help you return it to its original virgin size so that you’ll not disgrace yourself in your wife’s house.

2) Hot water bath

Do this everyday for 2 months and your rod of navigation will be back to feeling brand new. Tear rubber brigade.

3) Amnesia powder

Blow this on all your sexual partners so they forget any history you guys had. No memory, no case. When you’re done, blow the powder on yourself so you can also forget. Wahla for who no get amnesia.

4) Relocation

Leave the area where you committed the debauchery and start anew. New location, new you.

5) Penis enlargement surgery

If there is a change in size, it means old things have passed way. You are now under a new regime.

6) Penis reduction surgery

Same as above.

7) Prayer and fasting

If all fails, my brothers, go to Shiloh and God will “hill” you.
Nigerian churches organise a lot of church programs. But half the time, a lot of these programs are often targeted at women who end up praying for things that men ought to be praying for too. It’s time to revise that. Nigerian churches need to start organising these programs for men.

1. Prayers against barrenness.

Barrenness is not always a woman’s problem, so how come a lot of programs are targeted at them while the men are simply flexing? Let both of them go to a fertility clinic, and if there’s to be a church program, let the man and woman attend.

2. Prayers against marital delay.

Somebody needs to tell Nigerian churches that men also experience delay in getting married. It’s not every time you see a 30+ woman that you must drag her to your church. You see that your neighbour that is 30+? Drag him too. Our God answers prayers.

Read: 7 Ways Nigerian Men Can Remain Virgins

3. Prayers against the strange man that wants to destroy their marriage.

Yes oh. MenDem are outside looking for marriages to destroy and people’s wives to seduce. Men need to start praying against these evil forces. A suggested prayer point: “My father my father, any strange man that wants to collect my wife from me, destroy him by fire.”

4. Deliverance from marine spirit, papawater spirit, and the spirit of seduction.

Why are fair-skinned men left to roam about without being delivered? If fair-skinned women can be accused of possessing seductive spirits, belonging to the marine kingdom and mamiwater coven, surely men too should be delivered from the same spirits. Abi them tell una say male witch no dey?

Them tell una say men no dey seduce person?

5. Seminars and conferences on how to be a good husband and father.

Here, they will teach them how to bake, how to decorate the altar, how to arrange the house and read the ‘male version’ of Proverbs 31 to them.

Or, they will teach them how to keep their bodies firm for their wives, how to secure their marriage using sexy apparels that are holy and edifying, as well as how to enter the War Room when they sense the devil’s machinations in their marriage.

Let us stand up and share the grace.

You should read this if you haven’t:

7 Things A Married Woman Must Do After Cheating On Her Husband
2020 is the year of rings. Therefore, we decided to create a guide for men seeking to become members of the sacred ring issuing institution.

Here are a few tips that may be useful for men in choosing their partners:

7) Test her with money

Give her ₦200 to make soup. If she fails, she can’t manage money. If she passes, she’s probably stingy. All of these are red flags.

6) When you go out, test her with food

Offer to buy her food and ensure she refuses. If she tries to eat from your plate, she’s a thief and that’s how she’ll be eating your money.

5) Test her with bone straight

Buy her the hair and watch her reaction. If she gets excited, she’s too lavish. If she’s meh about it, she doesn’t have taste and she’s not in your league.

4) Test her with Fintech

If she doesn’t know words like “Cowrywise,” “Safe lock.,” “Piggvest,” “Risevest,” “Withdrawal date,” “buy dollars,” then she’s not financially popping and can’t manage money. If she knows the words, she’s probably cheating on you with a tech bae. Sorry, bro.

3) Test her with gifts

If she buys you singlets and boxers you know she doesn’t mean you well. If she buys you PS5 just know you must give her your kidney – whatever you see, take it like that.

2) Test her with the Nigerian anthem

If she sings it without frowning then she likes Nigeria and that’s bad vibes. However, if she can’t sing it, she’s not in touch with her roots. If she doesn’t know herself, how can she know who you are?

1) Test her with music

Editor’s note: This is no way reflects the musical taste of the writer. Any relationship is purely fictional.

Test her with the song titled CashApp. My brother, if you sing “ice on my neck” and she replies with “ice on my wrist,” wahala aya aya oh. If she doesn’t know the reply, she definitely can’t gbese.

Keep us anon.

Did we miss any? Let us know in the comments section.

[donation]
Welcome, my fellow evil person. Like you, I used to experience the inexplicable urge of wanting to punish people’s children and getting away with it.

Me, whenever I see people’s children.

But now I have found love and joy, and now I no longer feel that urge. I know you still do, otherwise you would not be here. This post will rid you of that urge.

I’m actually very serious about my deliverance. In my evil days, I wrote this: 11 Secret Ways To Punish The Last Born In Your Family. But look at me today.

Before anything, breathe in deeply. Now let it out, sweetie. Don’t hold back. Repeat that three times, preferably with your eyes closed, your mind picturing sweetness and joy.

Open your eyes.

Now ask yourself:

1. What did this innocent child do to me?

Because, really, what could a child do to you that would warrant this desire to punish them and go scot free?

2. Is punishment the answer?

Think well oh. Because they punished you when you were child, I know, and look how you turned out.

3. Why can’t I report to the parents?

Abi?

4. Am I really that bitter and vile to want to punish other people’s children?

Not just punish them, but also want to get away with punishing them. Ahan. Who hurt you?

Start confessing all your evil deeds.

5. If this was how other people punished me, would I be alive today?

Reason it well o, floggermania. You that your chosen system of government is punish-o-cracy.

Now that you are done thinking about it, oya, go and apologise to that child, and let all bitterness depart from you.

If you think I give really ~~bad~~ good advice, then you should read this:

7 Wonderful Ways To Make Your Crush Notice You
1) A Net Singlet:

Arguably the most impractical piece of clothing on the planet.

2) Ripped Jeans:

You get extra points if they’re dirty ripped jeans.

3) Snake Skin Shoes

If animals weren’t murdered and skinned to make your shoes, are you even an Igbo man?

4) An undersized snapback cap.

That they always wear with the brim put to the side. Making them look like early 2000s music video gangsters

5) A badly-tailored pair of pants with the in-seam way higher than it should be.

You get extra points if it’s some ridiculously bright colour like red or neon green.

6) A shirt covered in the severed heads of a wild animal.

Usually a lion or tiger.

7) A terrifying walking stick that they only use to to intimidate people at weddings.

8) Finally, a bunch of keys that don’t really open anything that you can wear around your ring finger and jingle when you walk.

C’mon, don’t give me that stuff. We all know those keys are for show.

What’s up, Zikoko Fam? It would mean the world to us if you spared a few minutes to fill this Reader Survey. It’s so we can bring you the content you really want!
While their foreign counterparts do the work by building loyal fan bases, doing research, and driving meaningful conversations around the brands they’re paid to promote, Nigerian Twitter influencers do the bare minimum. With that in mind, here’s a detailed guide on how to become a Nigerian Twitter influencer.

1) Start with super terrible jokes.

Just be sure to make it relatable and end it with an Odunlade meme or a picture of a malnourished black child laughing that has nothing to do with the joke itself.

2) Think up stupid scenarios for the timeline to drive engagement.

Some people will call you out on your bullshit but you will ignore them. That sweet-sweet engagement is all you need.

3) Do pointless comparison shit like this.

You have the option of making it a Twitter poll but don’t because then the post wouldn’t reek of desperation. Start with the line “Let’s settle this once and for all” and then follow it with a comparison between two things NO ONE IN THE HISTORY OF EVER has thought were in competition. Someone has to ask the hard questions and that person is you.

4) Have an opinion about everything being discussed on the timeline. Especially things you know nothing about.

No matter the topic, make sure you show up out of nowhere to give your hot take absolutely no one asked for. Politics? Mental health? Witchcraft? Be there for all of it.

5) Constantly offend marginalized groups to gain clout.

Sure, you’ll get dragged all over the timeline but all that exposure will be worth it in the end. Plus, the faction of Twitter that secretly agrees with your offensive views will retweet, follow, and then write in the replies, “They’re coming for you oh. lol” Whoever said there’s no such thing as bad publicity wasn’t wrong.

6) Start games that seem like harmless fun but also look suspiciously like ways to mine for people’s private information.

Someone once said these “influencers” are slowly gathering all our info to do something shady with it and I honestly won’t be shocked if that happens.

7) Ask weirdly personal and destabilizing questions from time to time.

I was scrolling through the timeline last week when I came across an influencer’s tweet that said: “What are you doing with your life?” and I was suddenly thrown head-first into an existential crisis. Feelings like this are the kind you want to elicit.

What’s up, Zikoko Fam? It would mean the world to us if you spared a few minutes to fill this Reader Survey. It’s so we can bring you the content you really want!