Interview With Lai Mohammed’s Cap: “I Am Not Like My Oga”

July 9, 2021

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.


Nigeria’s Minister of Information, Lai Mohammed, has been caught in a lie a few times too many. In fact, someone on Nairaland made a thread of top 50 lies he has told over time. At a point, Nigerians began to blame his lies on the cap that he wore.

The cap reached out to Zikoko for an interview so it could clear its name. Let’s just say that things didn’t go the way we expected them to.

Zikoko: Hello.

Lai Mohammed’s Cap: It’s good to see you.

That one is your business. 

Ahan, why? 

Me I don’t want wahala. Let’s just finish this interview so you can go before your owner starts looking for you.

I assure you, there can be no trouble. Shebi I was the one who entered you people’s office with my two legs? Believe me, I’ll say what I have to say and leave here before people notice that I’m missing.

Alright, start.

First of all, I didn’t choose this life. It chose me. 

That is what you all say. 

Believe me. Listen, when I was being sketched on a notepad, even my designer did not think I would end up this way. In fact, when they finished making me and my siblings, they just dumped us together in one nylon and kept us in the shop. It was only one cap they used to advertise the rest of us, and that was me. One day, I just saw that they packed me and siblings inside one bag and took us away. Next thing I knew, I was on someone’s head. 

I saw that the head was strong, and that the hair on it was scanty and white. I was even scared. It was when the person looked in the mirror that I saw it was Lai Mohammed. I screamed.

Chai!

Yes, he’s a politician, but that’s not enough reason to be happy. Nigerian politicians have a special reason for wearing caps which nobody knows. Should I say it?

Go on.

They receive curses everyday. The caps they wear is how they dodge some of these curses.

You don’t mean it.

Look, my master Lai might be a liar, but me his cap, I cannot lie to you. Tell me, when last did you see any Nigerian politician without a cap? 

Hmm.

I know what I am saying. I could give you a list of names if you think I’m lying.

But wait oh.

Yes?

You are changing the story here, please.

As how?

People are saying that it is when Lai Mohammed puts you on that he becomes

A liar?

I didn’t say that. Don’t kobalise me, please.

So what does he become?

An editor of true events…

See, you can say all you want, but I know that I stand for the truth. I was designed to be a cap of truth. I just ended up in the hands of a man who has dragged my reputation down the mud.

Do you know how painful it is? That man has soiled my name for life. Any respectable person cannot wear me and go scot free. People will call that person a liar. This breaks my heart. 

This cap, you are lying.

Ehn?

Yes, I said what I said. You this cap, you are capping.

So even after all I said, you still think I am a liar?

Yes.

Oya prove it.

We all know Fashola to be a responsible man…

Okay…

But he put you on, and he became Fashola Holmes, a detective who was discovering camera.

5 Crazy Stories We Have Heard In Nigeria

That’s the mistake you are making. You think Fashola tells the truth 100%? If you believe that, then I have a plot of beach to sell to you.

My point is, you too, you are responsible.

Responsible for what?

Your owner can be a liar, but when they put you on, the lie multiplies.

I-

That is when Lai’s mouth will assume multiple shapes. He already has you on; the lies can flow easily.

Buhari has fulfilled campaign promises - Lai Mohammed | Premium Times  Nigeria

Hmm. I see you don’t like the truth.

We like the truth. We just don’t want to hear it from you.

In that case, you must pay.

Pay for what?

For calling me a liar, of course! I carried myself into your office, cleaned up my act and said let me rebrand ahead of the 2023 elections so that a new politician can pick me up, but you have chosen to spoil that market by calling me a liar, abi?

Very good. [Begins to dial a number]

Who are you calling? Don’t try rubbish oh.

Shebi I am the liar? I will kuku lie that lie today. I will show you that I did my internship under Lai Mohammed. If they don’t ban you, call me a bastard.

Hmm. You this cap, come and be going oh. We don’t want wahala, please.

Hello Daddy Lai. It’s me, your cap. I’m at this office and they said that you are a liar, and that you want to destroy Nigeria.

Ah, I did not say that oh.

Their address? It is at Number-

[Zikoko runs away.]


Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.


Interview With Nigeria’s Coat of Arms

Zikoko Donation Banner

Help Zikoko keep making the content you love

More than ever, people are turning to Zikoko for stories that matter and content they love. But still, we, like many media organisations, are feeling the financial heat of these times. If you find us valuable, please make a contribution to help keep Zikoko zikoko-ing.

Thank you for your support.

We are also cool with Crypto.

Donation Close
Zikoko Logo

Complete Your Commitment

Donation confirm

Your Contribution is confirmed! Amount

Kunle Ologunro

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

September 2, 2021

Using dating apps is a total gamble and a humbling experience. If you ever plan on downloading a dating app, here are 8 types of men you will find there. Don’t say we didn’t warn you. 1. The one that is serious about marriage This man is there for one reason only: to find a […]

Watch

Now on Zikoko

girls with curly hair and hoop earrings
October 26, 2021

We used clothing items to express ourselves. When you pick an outfit, you are telling a story about yourself. Here’s what your earring choice says about you.

Read here:

Recommended Quizzes

October 30, 2019

2010 was a game-changing one for Nollywood, with our movies making serious cash and getting international acclaim. So, which of these hits released between 2010 and 2019 — from the pace-setting The Wedding Party to the divisive Trip To Jamaica — best suits your personality? Well, that’s what this quiz is here to answer:

October 29, 2019

We are going to be attempting to guess when you’ll marry based on your favourite Nigerian foods. What does your fave swallow have to do with when you’ll tie the knot? Please, don’t ask complicated questions. This quiz is rigorous and accurate (don’t quote us), so just take it already. QUIZ: Why Do You Have […]

November 15, 2019

There are two types of people in Nigeria right now: those who are proud Marlians, and those who are still in denial about stanning the divisive star. So, for those who proudly wear the Marlian tag, we made a quiz to test how well you really know Naira Marley. If you get more than 6 […]

November 22, 2019

It can be very stressful when you’re trying to find the love of your life, but you only keep meeting people that are exactly like your yeye ex. To help you be more aware of that problem, we’ve created a quiz that lets you know the kind of people you are attracting. Take it to […]

November 27, 2019

Do you have a face that could make angels jealous, or should you really be walking around with a nylon bag over your head so you don’t scare children? Well, this quiz is here to answer that by telling you exactly how good-looking you are. Take and find out: 11 Quizzes For People Who Aren’t […]

More from Interview With...

September 10, 2021

How does the broom on the APC flag feel about being the number one broom in the Federal Republic of Nigeria? Today on Interview With, we sat with the APC Broom to discuss its grass to grace story.

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X