Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.
Nigeria’s Minister of Information, Lai Mohammed, has been caught in a lie a few times too many. In fact, someone on Nairaland made a thread of top 50 lies he has told over time. At a point, Nigerians began to blame his lies on the cap that he wore.
The cap reached out to Zikoko for an interview so it could clear its name. Let’s just say that things didn’t go the way we expected them to.
Zikoko: Hello.
Lai Mohammed’s Cap: It’s good to see you.
That one is your business.
Ahan, why?
Me I don’t want wahala. Let’s just finish this interview so you can go before your owner starts looking for you.
I assure you, there can be no trouble. Shebi I was the one who entered you people’s office with my two legs? Believe me, I’ll say what I have to say and leave here before people notice that I’m missing.
Alright, start.
First of all, I didn’t choose this life. It chose me.
That is what you all say.
Believe me. Listen, when I was being sketched on a notepad, even my designer did not think I would end up this way. In fact, when they finished making me and my siblings, they just dumped us together in one nylon and kept us in the shop. It was only one cap they used to advertise the rest of us, and that was me. One day, I just saw that they packed me and siblings inside one bag and took us away. Next thing I knew, I was on someone’s head.
I saw that the head was strong, and that the hair on it was scanty and white. I was even scared. It was when the person looked in the mirror that I saw it was Lai Mohammed. I screamed.
Chai!
Yes, he’s a politician, but that’s not enough reason to be happy. Nigerian politicians have a special reason for wearing caps which nobody knows. Should I say it?
Go on.
They receive curses everyday. The caps they wear is how they dodge some of these curses.
You don’t mean it.
Look, my master Lai might be a liar, but me his cap, I cannot lie to you. Tell me, when last did you see any Nigerian politician without a cap?
Hmm.
I know what I am saying. I could give you a list of names if you think I’m lying.
But wait oh.
Yes?
You are changing the story here, please.
As how?
People are saying that it is when Lai Mohammed puts you on that he becomes—
A liar?
I didn’t say that. Don’t kobalise me, please.
So what does he become?
An editor of true events…
See, you can say all you want, but I know that I stand for the truth. I was designed to be a cap of truth. I just ended up in the hands of a man who has dragged my reputation down the mud.
Do you know how painful it is? That man has soiled my name for life. Any respectable person cannot wear me and go scot free. People will call that person a liar. This breaks my heart.
This cap, you are lying.
Ehn?
Yes, I said what I said. You this cap, you are capping.
So even after all I said, you still think I am a liar?
Yes.
Oya prove it.
We all know Fashola to be a responsible man…
Okay…
But he put you on, and he became Fashola Holmes, a detective who was discovering camera.
That’s the mistake you are making. You think Fashola tells the truth 100%? If you believe that, then I have a plot of beach to sell to you.
My point is, you too, you are responsible.
Responsible for what?
Your owner can be a liar, but when they put you on, the lie multiplies.
I-
That is when Lai’s mouth will assume multiple shapes. He already has you on; the lies can flow easily.
Hmm. I see you don’t like the truth.
We like the truth. We just don’t want to hear it from you.
In that case, you must pay.
Pay for what?
For calling me a liar, of course! I carried myself into your office, cleaned up my act and said let me rebrand ahead of the 2023 elections so that a new politician can pick me up, but you have chosen to spoil that market by calling me a liar, abi?
Very good. [Begins to dial a number]
Who are you calling? Don’t try rubbish oh.
Shebi I am the liar? I will kuku lie that lie today. I will show you that I did my internship under Lai Mohammed. If they don’t ban you, call me a bastard.
Hmm. You this cap, come and be going oh. We don’t want wahala, please.
Hello Daddy Lai. It’s me, your cap. I’m at this office and they said that you are a liar, and that you want to destroy Nigeria.
Ah, I did not say that oh.
Their address? It is at Number-
[Zikoko runs away.]
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