We already talked about the things heterosexual Nigerian men should not be caught doing. Now, we’re about to be more specific. If you’re a true Nigerian alpha male, who beats his chest like a gorilla and doesn’t wipe his ass, these are the colours you must never be caught wearing.
Everyone knows pink is for women and little girls, so what are you doing wearing any piece of clothing that has pink on it? Are you a Disney princess, a Powerpuff girl, or that one female member of the Voltron team? Because that’s the only reason you should be seen wearing pink.
White? What are you? A KKK member? The white power ranger? A Nollywood ghost? If you wear white, how can someone tell you apart from a bride? You might as well be cosplaying as Madonna from the “Like a Virgin” music video.
We already know Nigerian men can never be caught wearing yellow for any reason, but we don’t want to take any chances, so this is a final official warning. If you wear yellow out of your house, we’re all just going to assume that you’re a street marketer for Blue Band and will give you a touch of blue to complete the look. Speaking of blue…
4. Light blue
If you wear light blue, your penis will disappear. If you think we’re lying, try it. Good luck spending the rest of your life looking like a Ken doll “down there” and having to pee out of your mouth.
5. Dark blue
Dark blue may seem like a manly colour, but it’s really not. Blue is blue. The only males that should wear blue are children doing inter-house sports and the Genie from Disney’s “Aladdin.”. Any other person that wears blue is a dead guy and must be treated as such. We don’t make the rules. We just follow them.
If you’re not a movie babalawo or a particularly sassy Mount Zion movie prostitute ironically named Mary, there’s no reason you should be wearing red. Go find another colour, you Nollywood cliché.
Imagine being an alpha male that goes to the gym and cheats on women who also wears purple? Are you mad?! Who are you supposed to be? Tinky Winky or Daphne from Scooby-Doo? Why are you embarrassing all of us scummy men like this?
8. Any colour on the rainbow
Have you ever seen people’s reactions to rainbows? All they do is say “Awwww” and then begin to take pictures. Nobody fears rainbows. DO YOU WANT THEM TO LOOK AT YOU AND SAY AWWWW?
Real men don’t wear black. Other men are already wearing black, so why do you want to do “and co” with random men. That’s definitely not a manly trait. Please fix up.