We heard that you want to japa. Toh, we are happy for you oh, but we know how you like to put your mouth in what does not concern you, so we decided to warn you about some of the things you will see in obodo oyinbo.

1. Gay people are there oh. Do you still want to go?

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Do you really want to go to a country where gay people will be kissing on the road? Are you sure you will not go blind if you see them like this? Better stay in Nigeria where such a thing cannot happen.

2. Hmm, oyinbo women wear bum short to the market oh.

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How will you now survive like this, you that you always call women ashewo and believe that bum short is why they rape women? Are you sure you will not land in oyinbo jail like this?

3. Omo, there are feminists abroad oh.

Not just ordinary feminists, we mean feminists that believe the patriarchy should die by fire. Will you still survive like this, seeing how patriarchy is the air you inhale and exhale.

4. That abroad you want to go, hmm, some people don’t believe in God oh.

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Will you not tell them that they will go to hell fire like this? Shebi you kuku know that you like to say things nobody sent you. Anyway, if it leads to fighting and they deport you, it’s holy deportation. Afterall, you’re doing spiritual work.

5. They are very pro-choice abroad oh.

You sef, why would you want to go to that kind of country? Better stay in Nigeria where they don’t do that kind of thing. Nigeria the holy of holies, the place where the angels will start marking heavenly attendance.

6. Abroad can corrupt you oh.

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You’ll drink their water now, next thing you know, you have started doing everything they are doing there. You that you are a person of culture, Culturechukwu, Culturedolapo, Culturebashir, Cultureosas. What will people say?

7. You can be abroad and you will not hear when the trumpet will sound.

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Better stay in Nigeria where your only hindrance to heaven is generator noise. At least you will suffer on earth and go and enjoy in heaven — that is if you make it into heaven sha.

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Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.