satire | Page 2 of 5

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

Nigeria’s Minister of Information, Lai Mohammed, has been caught in a lie a few times too many. In fact, someone on Nairaland made a thread of top 50 lies he has told over time. At a point, Nigerians began to blame his lies on the cap that he wore.

The cap reached out to Zikoko for an interview so it could clear its name. Let’s just say that things didn’t go the way we expected them to.

Zikoko: Hello.

Lai Mohammed’s Cap: It’s good to see you.

That one is your business.

Ahan, why?

Me I don’t want wahala. Let’s just finish this interview so you can go before your owner starts looking for you.

I assure you, there can be no trouble. Shebi I was the one who entered you people’s office with my two legs? Believe me, I’ll say what I have to say and leave here before people notice that I’m missing.

Alright, start.

First of all, I didn’t choose this life. It chose me.

That is what you all say.

Believe me. Listen, when I was being sketched on a notepad, even my designer did not think I would end up this way. In fact, when they finished making me and my siblings, they just dumped us together in one nylon and kept us in the shop. It was only one cap they used to advertise the rest of us, and that was me. One day, I just saw that they packed me and siblings inside one bag and took us away. Next thing I knew, I was on someone’s head.

I saw that the head was strong, and that the hair on it was scanty and white. I was even scared. It was when the person looked in the mirror that I saw it was Lai Mohammed. I screamed.

Chai!

Yes, he’s a politician, but that’s not enough reason to be happy. Nigerian politicians have a special reason for wearing caps which nobody knows. Should I say it?

Go on.

They receive curses everyday. The caps they wear is how they dodge some of these curses.

You don’t mean it.

Look, my master Lai might be a liar, but me his cap, I cannot lie to you. Tell me, when last did you see any Nigerian politician without a cap?

Hmm.

I know what I am saying. I could give you a list of names if you think I’m lying.

But wait oh.

Yes?

You are changing the story here, please.

As how?

People are saying that it is when Lai Mohammed puts you on that he becomes—

A liar?

I didn’t say that. Don’t kobalise me, please.

So what does he become?

An editor of true events…

See, you can say all you want, but I know that I stand for the truth. I was designed to be a cap of truth. I just ended up in the hands of a man who has dragged my reputation down the mud.

Do you know how painful it is? That man has soiled my name for life. Any respectable person cannot wear me and go scot free. People will call that person a liar. This breaks my heart.

This cap, you are lying.

Ehn?

Yes, I said what I said. You this cap, you are capping.

So even after all I said, you still think I am a liar?

Yes.

Oya prove it.

We all know Fashola to be a responsible man…

Okay…

But he put you on, and he became Fashola Holmes, a detective who was discovering camera.

That’s the mistake you are making. You think Fashola tells the truth 100%? If you believe that, then I have a plot of beach to sell to you.

My point is, you too, you are responsible.

Responsible for what?

Your owner can be a liar, but when they put you on, the lie multiplies.

I-

That is when Lai’s mouth will assume multiple shapes. He already has you on; the lies can flow easily.

Hmm. I see you don’t like the truth.

We like the truth. We just don’t want to hear it from you.

In that case, you must pay.

Pay for what?

For calling me a liar, of course! I carried myself into your office, cleaned up my act and said let me rebrand ahead of the 2023 elections so that a new politician can pick me up, but you have chosen to spoil that market by calling me a liar, abi?

Very good. [Begins to dial a number]

Who are you calling? Don’t try rubbish oh.

Shebi I am the liar? I will kuku lie that lie today. I will show you that I did my internship under Lai Mohammed. If they don’t ban you, call me a bastard.

Hmm. You this cap, come and be going oh. We don’t want wahala, please.

Hello Daddy Lai. It’s me, your cap. I’m at this office and they said that you are a liar, and that you want to destroy Nigeria.

Ah, I did not say that oh.

Their address? It is at Number-

[Zikoko runs away.]

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

Interview With Nigeria’s Coat of Arms

[donation]
So your man is cheating, but you want to remain with him and don’t know how to do it? Never fear, here is the Zikoko guide to staying with a cheating man.

1) Take it to God in prayer

Ask God to give you the grace to continue in the marriage. There is nothing God cannot do, including making his penis fall off. Constant prayer might even lead to his penis being stolen every time he wants to cheat. The man is what is more important, there are many penises in the sea.

2) Be friends with his mistresses

A happy home is a healthy home and all parts of the home should be accounted for, including the mistresses. They say to keep your friends close and keep your enemies closer, so what better way to keep your enemies closer than to unionize with them to overthrow the source of your stress? Unions work.

3) Give him children

It is possible the reason he is able to cheat is because there are not enough children in the house to take his attention. We all know busy fathers do not have time to cheat, so start giving him children. The children do not even have to be his biologically, but the point is to give them to him.

4) Cheat back

If you are too busy planning your next dick appointment, you will not have time to worry about what he is doing. However they want to look at it, Ojoro cancels ojoro and the marriage becomes peaceful.

5) Be the source of his peace

The only ultimate source of peace is death, so for him to attain true peace RIP that man.

6) Tap into your divine feminine energy

When you have fully realised yourself as a divine feminine, things like cheating will be beneath you. Ascend and become the woman you were meant to be.

7) Be matured about it

Only mature women can really hack how to stay with a cheating man. When you mature like corn that is ready to be roasted, the ability to stay with your man will only come naturally. Matured women know that it one penis forever

For more Zikoko guides, please click here

[donation]

[ad]
Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

The country is going through so much these days. In the midst of it all, we are overlooking some important characters: the Eagle and the two Horses on Nigeria’s Coat of Arms.

Today on Interview With, we brought them in to ask how they are coping. Their answers will blow your mind.

Zikoko: Hello. Thank you so much for taking the time to join us today.

Eagle: You’re welcome.

Horse 1: It’s nothing.

Horse 2: Thank you for having us.

We understand that you’re very busy, so we will make this snappy.

Horse 2: Busy doing what?

Eagle: [Loud laughter]

Horse 1: You people should behave now. Let it not be that everyone will know what is going on.

Horse 2: LMAO. Any Nigerian that does not know what is going on at this point, well, sorry for that person.

Eagle: Abi oh.

Horse 1: Still, that does not mean—

Um, sorry to interrupt you. I’m lost, please.

Eagle: Look, Mr Interviewer, we are not busy at all.

Horse 2: We stopped being busy a long time ago. So all this talk of making the interview short because we are busy, please just forget it. Ask us anything you want to know.

Horse 1: [Sigh]

Mad oh. Okay, how did you end up being on the coat of arms?

Horse 2: As how?

As in, of all the animals in this country, why did they choose two horses and an eagle?

Horse 1: I guess it’s because of what we represent. Eagle represents strength, and me and my brother here, we represent Nigeria’s dignity.

Horse 2: Which useless dignity?

Eagle: E reach to ask.

Horse 2: Eagle, leave him, let him answer me. I say which dignity? Me and you both know that people are now borrowing us to do photoshoot, so where is the dignity?

If we had the dignity you are mentioning, do you think we would be doing photoshoot as side hustle?

Ah. So you were the one in Tobi Bakre’s photoshoot?

Horse 2: That is one job I hope I never do again. The way Tobi grabbed my neck ehn, I wanted to ask him that, “If it was like this everybody has been grabbing me, would you have met me alive?” But I don’t blame him sha. It’s the country that led me into this mess.

Horse 1: Before you think we are corrupt, please understand that it’s desperation that made us take that job. We have seen what this country does to other animals, and despite being paraded as celebrity animals on the coat of arms, we knew it would reach our turn one day.

Look at Lion, king of the jungle. He entered Nigeria and correct sapa became his true love.

What is sapa?

Horse 2: Poverty plus hunger.

Damn, double homicide.

Horse 2: Oho. If a tragedy this great can befall him, how much more me and my fellow horse who do not have any chieftaincy titles whatsoever?

I’m curious: how much did Tobi Bakre offer you for the photoshoot?

Horse 1: 2k.

Horse 2: [Hisses] Urgent 2k that I used to buy Strepsils to cure my sore throat. Anyway sha, I have learnt my lesson. Photoshoot is now from N5k upwards. To grab neck, N10k. No pay, no pose.

But why this line of action?

Eagle: This is why I hate all these interviewers.

Sorry?

Eagle: You saw how some animals are being elevated above others in this country, and you are still coming here to ask us why this line of action. What else do you want us to do?

Horse 2: See ehn.

Eagle: In this very country, a snake entered JAMB office and swallowed 36 million naira, you did not ask why. In this very country, cows are first class citizens and actual Nigerians are second class citizens, yet you did not ask why. Ordinary 2k that we are collecting for photoshoot, you are asking why. Abeg abeg.

I’m sorry.

Horse 2: Omo, your sorry cannot do anything. It’s Lord Lugard you should go and beg. Let him undo this curse of a country. I am tired of holding up a shield with my fellow horse. Let us relax small.

Eagle: The way I am tired of perching! I don’t know why they made me stay on the coat of arms at all. I honestly don’t get it.

Horse 2: You are even trying. Only you, Coat of Arms, only you EFCC logo.

Wait wait. Are you the same Eagle on the EFCC logo?

Eagle: When I say this country keeps sharing people, did you think I was lying? I am a living example. As if my work as Coat of Arms eagle is not enough, they still came and put me inside photoshoot for EFCC logo.

Shebi you see how rough my hair looks in the photo. They didn’t even allow me to brush it.

Horse 1: That’s why you tried to escape to Canada, isn’t it?

Wait what?

Horse 2: MUST YOU SAY EVERYTHING?! It’s in your mouth they will hear that Aisha Buhari is no longer sleeping at home.

Eagle: Who knows, he’s probably the one that went to snitch and made them catch me at the border.

The eagle 🦅 in the Nigerian coat of arms after they caught it at the Canadian border. pic.twitter.com/hEgfORnAsc
— Medium Kala (@gaptoothed_fury) October 5, 2020

Horse 1: It’s not me oh.

Eagle: That one is even your personal problem. That they caught me the first time does not mean I will not try again. Even Buhari did not become president on the first attempt.

But can’t we try to fix things or make a way for Nigeria?

Horse 2: Pele oh, way maker.

Eagle: Miracle worker, promise keeper.

Horse 2: Light in the darkness.

Horse 1: My God!

Eagle: That is who you are.

Horse 1: I didn’t say that to side you people. I said “My God” because I was tired of how you ganged up against the interviewer.

Horse 2: This kind of behaviour will not get you anywhere. You probably need to become a cow first, and then they can elevate you.

Eagle: Tell us, Interviewer, since you seem to know everything. What is Nigeria’s motto?

Unity and Faith, Peace and Progress.

Eagle: Good. Do you know where they are now?

Um...

Horse 2: An Igbo family has adopted them. Go to Nnewi or Anambra and shout Unity, Faith, Peace, Progress and see if those four girls will not come rushing.

Wow.

Horse 1: Don’t let—

Horse 2: There is nothing wow here. If Unity and Faith, Peace and Progress can go back to their family house, who are we not to find a means to survive?

So what’s the plan now?

Horse 1: No, listen—

Horse 2: Na mumu dey talk him plan for interview.

Eagle: Me I will say it. By this time next year, I will be in Canada. I declare it into existence.

But if you all leave, what will become of our great nation, the giant of Africa?

Eagle: Burna Boy is your giant. Let me rest.

Horse 1: We can’t all leave. I am ready to make things better.

Horse 2: Nobody is stopping you. But open your eyes. Aisha Buhari the first lady is in Dubai.

Eagle: Even Buhari went to the UK and is currently collecting breeze.

Horse 2: So what is now my own, me that I’m an ordinary horse? Omo, you better pick your passport and one or two clothes and—

You have a passport??

Eagle: Things fall apart, the centre cannot hold.

Horse 2: Is it now us that will now hold?

[The horses gallop away. The Eagle dusts its wings and flies out through the window]

How it started vs. How it’s going

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

Interview With Left Hand: “Why Do Nigerians Think I’m A Bad Hand?”
Deliverance is important oh, especially to those of you who are manifesting any of these signs listed here. You may think all is well with you, but if you do at least 7 things on this list, all is not well.

You need serious deliverance.

1. They cook because of hunger, but when they finish cooking, they are too full to eat out of it.

We know it’s not you, it’s something else. And that’s why you need deliverance.

2. They wake up in the midnight and start washing their bathroom and toilet.

Don’t hide, we see you.

3. They want people to visit them but never want to leave their own house.

Shebi you sef can see that something is wrong with you.

4. They can be in a WhatsApp group chat for months and not say anything.

And they won’t feel bad about it. SMH. You better kneel and let’s pray for you.

5. They enjoy staying in the dark.

Dark curtains, lights off, everywhere black. My dear, remove yourself from that darkness with immediate alacrity.

6. They offer to cook for people but won’t cook for themselves when they are hungry.

Did you come to this life to be a cook? You need deliverance oh.

7. They prefer series to movies.

This one needs no argument. You are definitely possessed.

8. They can eat one thing consistently for a week.

All you people that say, “So-so is my best food, I can eat it forever.” Let us tell you, it is a severe deliverance that will separate you from that food.

9. They do laundry at night.

Hm, answer and tell us if this does not show that you need intervention.

10. They can stay in a house for months without people knowing.

How is it doing you? Omo, seek help oh.

11. They eat avocados.

You want to hear the truth? Avocado was the forbidden fruit that pursued Adam and Eve out of the garden of Eden.

12. They sleep with the lights on.

We been knew. Ogbanje.

13. They live in Lagos.

You think people living in Lagos are not in need of deliverance? They do oh. Imagine living in a city that wants to run you mad. God abeg. You better go for deliverance.

QUIZ: What Type Of Evil Spirit Are You?
Should you or should you not tie wrapper in your matrimonial home?

Some people will say you should and some will say you shouldn’t. But I have just come back from Instagram where women are waging serious war against wrappers, and the spirit told me to inform you about the spiritual implications of allowing wrapper into your matrimonial home.

She who has an ear, let her ~~follow Zikoko~~ hear what the spirit is saying ~~at her own peril~~.

1. Your natural beauty will vanish.

That wrapper will wrap your beauty until there is nothing left again.

2. You will no longer be good in bed.

Go and ask people. It’s just that they will not talk, because they won’t like to expose themselves.

3. Your children will start running away from you.

Because, really, who is this woman without natural beauty?

4. Your husband will look at you and see his great-grandmother that fell into a well in 1954 and died of cough and catarrh.

Naturally, he will burst into song. You know the song? Ancient of days, as old as you are…

5. Of course, your husband will cheat.

That’s how he will be begging the other woman who wears low-waist jeans and spaghetti top, or show-me-your-back and leggings.

6. Even your children will call another woman Mummy.

Where is the woman they know as Mummy? The one who sleeps and wakes up in high heels? The one who wears wig and lipstick to the bathroom? Who is this woman who ties wrapper like a rapper?

7. Sis, your mates will refer to you as Mummy oh.

They will even be afraid to invite you out sef, because what if you tie wrapper and call it fashion?

8. Grey hair will start showing.

Mummy wa, may your days be long oh. Do you even remember the function of a bra?

9. The Nigerian Association Of Witches will definitely recruit you.

And because you are angry at how unfair you husband has been to you, his penis will be the first thing you will sacrifice.

He left you because of wrapper, so you too will wrap his penis in shawarma bread and eat it. Ojoro cancel.

10. And finally, your husband’s family will send you packing.

Tying wrapper is the enemy of your marriage. It is the reason for all the problems in Nigeria today. It is the sole reason why men cheat. So, wear your bra to bed. Sleep in your waist-trainer and girdle. Jog in your high heels. Cook while wearing your bone-straight.

Just boycott wrapper and save your marriage today. We have said our own.
Sometimes, we make decisions because we think we are grown and happening adults, meanwhile, we (yes, we) are still foolish and unserious.

Here are a few simple signs that you are still an unserious adult.

1. When you tell them you love them two weeks after knowing them

First and foremost, who even does that? You have to wait for at least 2-5yrs before they know you have feelings for them. Sorry, but you don fuck up and now they’ve seen you finish, unserious adult.

2. When you don’t tell them you love them two weeks after knowing them

Is it until you see their wedding photos before you’ll let them know you love them?. We advise you to fall in love with them immediately before they leave you and go and find love somewhere else.

3.When you eat the last piece of meat in the pot

In this case, you are not only being unserious but infact you are also greedy too and you don’t know how to save for rainy days. If you eat the last meat in the pot what will you eat tomorrow, see yourself?

4.When you don’t eat the last piece of meat in the pot

LMFAO, you didn’t eat the last piece of meat now someone has eaten it. Next time you to be wise and fast. The patient dog no longer eats the fattest bone.

5.When you study for the job interview.

Are you trying to say you don’t trust your God-given brain?. Believe in your sauce please, drop those books you are reading. By now, adulting should have taught you enough.

6.When you don’t study for the job interview.

Lmfao, you actually trusted your god given brain, now look at your life outside. Sorry dear, unemployment looks good on you.

If you’re into memes, check out this mind-blowing Nigerian meme site we created. Click Here

7.When you tell your parents you want to go out

Who even tells their parents they are going out, we all know how stiff Nigerian parents are and we know they’ll give you grief for even thinking of going out. Bad bitches don’t let their parents know their next move, except you aren’t a bad bitch, you are an unserious adult.

8.When you don’t tell your parents you are going out and you get kidnapped.

You didn’t tell your parents you were going now, now gbomo gbomo has carried you and your parents don’t know where you are. You think you are big now, and can go out without telling your parents, sorry about that.
The woman described in Proverbs 31 is the ideal woman many men expect women to be. And it’s interesting how men are quick to say they are looking for a Proverbs 31 woman when they themselves are far from being a Proverbs 31 man.

Who is a Proverbs 31 man?

Ah, I knew you’d ask. Well, we formed him from the ribs of the Proverbs 31 woman. Here are the characteristics of the Proverbs 31 man.

Enjoy (and apply to your lives).

Epilogue: The Husband of Noble Character

¹⁰
An excellent man [one who is spiritual, capable, intelligent, and virtuous], who is she who can find him?
His value is more precious than diamonds and his worth is far above bitcoin or ethereum.
¹¹
The heart of his wife trusts in him [with secure confidence because she knows he dares not cheat or disrespect her],
And she will have no reason to be put to shame.

¹²
He comforts, encourages, and does his wife only good and not evil
All the days of his life.
¹³
He looks for ~~wool and flax~~ serious money [because money answereth all things]
And works with willing hands in delight [without being forced, or cajoled or offered sex as a bait].
¹⁴
He is like the Igbo man’s container [abounding with treasure];
He brings his [household’s] food from far away.
¹⁵
He rises also while it is still night [while his wife sleeps in their King size bed, AC blowing her like there’s no tomorrow]
And gives food to his household
And assigns tasks to his houseboys [should he even have houseboys sef?]
¹⁶
He considers a land before he buys or accepts it [expanding his business prudently—look at Dangote, Otedola and Mike Adenuga. Do they have two heads?];
With his profits, he ~~plants fruitful vines in her vineyard~~ [buys expensive things for his wife and children and flies them abroad on a steady].
¹⁷
He equips himself with strength [spiritual, mental, and physical fitness for his God-given task as a husband, a shield, a menial worker ready to take on the burden of his family]
And he makes his arms strong [not just by going to the gym, because biceps without money to back it up is a sheer waste of time and energy].

¹⁸
He [shines his eyes and] sees that his gain is good;
His ~~lamp~~ generator does not go out, but it burns continually through the night [he is prepared for whatever lies ahead—PHCN wahala, outrageous bills, cost of fuel].
¹⁹
He stretches out his hands to [business partners],
And his hands hold fast [as he ~~spins wool into thread for clothing~~ signs contract after contract].
²⁰
He opens and extends his hand to the poor,
And he reaches out his filled hands to the needy.
²¹
He does not fear the ~~snow~~ [Harmattan] for his household,
For all in his household are clothed in [expensive] scarlet [wool].
²²
He makes for himself coverlets, cushions, and rugs of tapestry [and if he cannot make it, let him buy it with the money he is making].
His clothing is linen, pure and fine, and purple [wool]. [There are a number of designer brands he can consider too].
²³
His wife is known in the [city’s] gates,
When she sits among the ~~elders~~ [other happening babes and women] of the land.
²⁴
He makes [fine] linen garments and sells them [and if he’s not into selling clothes, there are a number of trades he can consider];
And supplies ~~sashes~~ to the merchants.
²⁵
Strength and dignity are his clothing and his position is strong and secure;
And he smiles at the future [knowing that he and his family are prepared to japa to Canada when Nigeria gets worse, which it will].

²⁶
He opens his mouth in [skillful and godly] wisdom [and he doesn’t jamtalk or chook mouth in women’s business],
And the teaching of kindness is on his tongue [giving counsel and instruction].
²⁷
He looks well to how things go in his household [not that they will have to be reminding him every time],
And does not eat the bread of idleness.
²⁸
His children rise up and call him blessed (happy, prosperous, to be admired);
His wife also, and she praises him, saying,
²⁹
“Many men have done nobly, and well [with the strength of character that is steadfast in goodness],
But you excel them all, olowo ori mi [or dim, if she’s Igbo].”
³⁰
Bear-bear and six packs are deceptive, and [superficial] handsomeness is vain,
But a man who fears the Lord [reverently worshiping, obeying, serving, and trusting Him with awe-filled respect], he shall be praised.
³¹
Give him of the product of his hands,
And let his own works [that is, his wife’s beauty and expensive taste, his foreign-educated children, his fine house and plenty cars, his diligence and uprightness] praise him in the gates [of the city].

Amen somebody?
We heard that you want to japa. Toh, we are happy for you oh, but we know how you like to put your mouth in what does not concern you, so we decided to warn you about some of the things you will see in obodo oyinbo.

1. Gay people are there oh. Do you still want to go?

Do you really want to go to a country where gay people will be kissing on the road? Are you sure you will not go blind if you see them like this? Better stay in Nigeria where such a thing cannot happen.

2. Hmm, oyinbo women wear bum short to the market oh.

How will you now survive like this, you that you always call women ashewo and believe that bum short is why they rape women? Are you sure you will not land in oyinbo jail like this?

3. Omo, there are feminists abroad oh.

Not just ordinary feminists, we mean feminists that believe the patriarchy should die by fire. Will you still survive like this, seeing how patriarchy is the air you inhale and exhale.

4. That abroad you want to go, hmm, some people don’t believe in God oh.

Will you not tell them that they will go to hell fire like this? Shebi you kuku know that you like to say things nobody sent you. Anyway, if it leads to fighting and they deport you, it’s holy deportation. Afterall, you’re doing spiritual work.

5. They are very pro-choice abroad oh.

You sef, why would you want to go to that kind of country? Better stay in Nigeria where they don’t do that kind of thing. Nigeria the holy of holies, the place where the angels will start marking heavenly attendance.

6. Abroad can corrupt you oh.

You’ll drink their water now, next thing you know, you have started doing everything they are doing there. You that you are a person of culture, Culturechukwu, Culturedolapo, Culturebashir, Cultureosas. What will people say?

7. You can be abroad and you will not hear when the trumpet will sound.

Better stay in Nigeria where your only hindrance to heaven is generator noise. At least you will suffer on earth and go and enjoy in heaven — that is if you make it into heaven sha.

12 Ways To Check If Your Nigerian Girlfriend Is A Feminist
Dear kings, before you ask that woman to marry you, please check if these signs are manifesting in her life. May we not marry a feminist in disguise. 🤡

1. Tell her that after marriage, she’ll not use her degree because you’ll open shop in front of the house for her.

If she agrees, she has not collected the injection of feminism. If she does not agree, that one na bad market. Dump her quickly. You don’t want a wife that will be going to office like you.

2. Take her to your parents house.

If she does not carry broom to start sweeping, that’s the first sign. If they serve her three meat and she eats two, that’s the final sign. God forbid that you marry a woman who does not want to be a modern slave.

3. Check her dressing.

If she does not like wearing bra, she is definitely a feminist. Oho, she wants to feel like a man, abi? If you check well, she’ll probably have a rubber penis in her traveling bag. That one na ogbologbo feminist. My guy, run.

4. Did she toast you herself or you toasted her??

If she was the one that came to you, oga better say no. It is only feminists that approach men. Those women have demonic courage.

5. If she likes to be on top during sex, my guy flee oh.

Why will a woman want to be on top during sex?? Oho, she wants to be the head and not the neck abi? Besides sef, why is she having sex with you before marriage? She’s definitely a feminist. They are the ones who have sex before their appointed time.

6. Create a burner account and follow her on social media.

If she ever tweets men are trash or say that men are goats, my guy. You know what to do. You know that you are trash, but is it her place to say?

7. Take her on a date and see if she offers to split the bill.

Hmm. Where did she see money? And what is she trying to prove by offering to split the bill? That one will not hear control when you wed her.

8. Buy her gift and see if she buys you gifts too.

If she does, oga run. She’s trying to prove equality. Who is she to spend on you? So that one day when you say you’re the head of the family, she’ll say she’s also the head? Because of 3-in-1 boxer shorts? May God not collect the position of head from you.

9. She does not go to church.

Hmm. Na from there e dey start. Rebellion against spiritual authority. If she does not obey God, what is the assurance that she will obey you, you that you are even bigger than God.

10. She does not like to cook.

Guy, what will you eat when you two marry? Does she not know that food is your remote control? Dump her osiso. Before you marry something that will use hunger to unplug your life from the socket.

11. She does not want children.

This one is looking for a way to erase your family line. How can a woman not want children? She wants your family name to die with you. May God separate you from that kind of demonic agent. Can I hear your Amen?

12. She participated in the buss it challenge and silhouette challenge.

That one na Feminist with PhD. Exposing her body because she thinks she has control over it. Guy, run. Run before that feminist in disguise will destroy your life.

But please don’t stop running. Run away with all your nonsense, because which feminist in her right mind will marry a man like you anyway?

7 Tests To Give The Man You Want To Marry
Childbirth is no walk in the park, as anyone who has endured it will confess, but if you ask some Nigerian men, they’ll swear it’s as easy as passing gas.

So, since Nigerian men seem to know so much about giving birth, we think it is time women passed the baton to them, and we’ve listed seven reason why men should consider taking it.

1. It’s the ultimate sign of love

What better way to show your woman you love her than getting pregnant and giving her beautiful babies that will almost definitely look more like her than they do you. Then to top it off, let the child take her last name like you weren’t involved at all. Isn’t that so romantic?

2. No issues of paternity fraud

Based on statistics that Nigerian men constantly pull out of their asses, it’s been said that Nigeria has the largest cases of paternity fraud in the world. If men carry the babies, they would never have to worry about who the real father of the baby is. Problem solved.

3. Another chance to show off your strength

Nigerian men pride themselves in being hyper-masculine, and strength is the ultimate sign of masculinity. We all know women exaggerate just how painful childbirth is, so this would be a perfect opportunity to show women just how strong you are compared to them.

4. They can make good use of all that pushiness

Since Nigerian men have spent their entire lives perfecting the art of being incredibly pushy, they should have no issues pushing a whole baby out of whichever hole they see fit.

5. Men snapback faster than women

We all know that women who don’t lose the pregnancy weight right there on the delivery table are just lazy. Thankfully, a man would never let himself go like that. The snapback would be instant, making it impossible for your woman to be tempted to cheat on you.

6. Women will finally shut up

Women are always complaining about simple things like breastfeeding, morning sickness, hormonal changes and the rest. Once men take on these things with the ease they take on everything else, women will finally see that they were just exaggerating.

7. Less temptation to cheat

If Nigerian men got pregnant, they would cheat less. We all know the reason Nigerian wives never cheat (yes, quote us) is because they’re out of commission 9 months in a row. If Nigerian men took on that burden, they wouldn’t have time to cheat or maintain two families.

Lie that we are not making sense.

Zikoko: Hello.

That one is your business.

Me I don’t want wahala. Let’s just finish this interview so you can go before your owner starts looking for you.

Alright, start.

That is what you all say.

Chai!

Go on.

You don’t mean it.

Hmm.

But wait oh.

You are changing the story here, please.

People are saying that it is when Lai Mohammed puts you on that he becomes—

I didn’t say that. Don’t kobalise me, please.

An editor of true events…

This cap, you are lying.

Yes, I said what I said. You this cap, you are capping.

Yes.

We all know Fashola to be a responsible man…

But he put you on, and he became Fashola Holmes, a detective who was discovering camera.

My point is, you too, you are responsible.

Your owner can be a liar, but when they put you on, the lie multiplies.

That is when Lai’s mouth will assume multiple shapes. He already has you on; the lies can flow easily.

We like the truth. We just don’t want to hear it from you.

Pay for what?

Who are you calling? Don’t try rubbish oh.

Hmm. You this cap, come and be going oh. We don’t want wahala, please.

Ah, I did not say that oh.

[Zikoko runs away.]

Interview With Nigeria’s Coat of Arms

1) Take it to God in prayer

2) Be friends with his mistresses

3) Give him children

4) Cheat back

5) Be the source of his peace

6) Tap into your divine feminine energy

7) Be matured about it

Zikoko: Hello. Thank you so much for taking the time to join us today.

We understand that you’re very busy, so we will make this snappy.

Um, sorry to interrupt you. I’m lost, please.

Mad oh. Okay, how did you end up being on the coat of arms?

As in, of all the animals in this country, why did they choose two horses and an eagle?

Ah. So you were the one in Tobi Bakre’s photoshoot?

What is sapa?

Damn, double homicide.

I’m curious: how much did Tobi Bakre offer you for the photoshoot?

But why this line of action?

Sorry?

I’m sorry.

Wait wait. Are you the same Eagle on the EFCC logo?

Wait what?

But can’t we try to fix things or make a way for Nigeria?

Unity and Faith, Peace and Progress.

Um...

Wow.

So what’s the plan now?

But if you all leave, what will become of our great nation, the giant of Africa?

You have a passport??

Interview With Left Hand: “Why Do Nigerians Think I’m A Bad Hand?”

1. They cook because of hunger, but when they finish cooking, they are too full to eat out of it.

2. They wake up in the midnight and start washing their bathroom and toilet.

3. They want people to visit them but never want to leave their own house.

4. They can be in a WhatsApp group chat for months and not say anything.

5. They enjoy staying in the dark.

6. They offer to cook for people but won’t cook for themselves when they are hungry.

7. They prefer series to movies.

8. They can eat one thing consistently for a week.

9. They do laundry at night.

10. They can stay in a house for months without people knowing.

11. They eat avocados.

12. They sleep with the lights on.

13. They live in Lagos.

QUIZ: What Type Of Evil Spirit Are You?

1. Your natural beauty will vanish.

2. You will no longer be good in bed.

3. Your children will start running away from you.

4. Your husband will look at you and see his great-grandmother that fell into a well in 1954 and died of cough and catarrh.

5. Of course, your husband will cheat.

6. Even your children will call another woman Mummy.

7. Sis, your mates will refer to you as Mummy oh.

8. Grey hair will start showing.