• Birthdays in Nigeria are never subtle affairs. But when the celebrant is Seyi Tinubu, the president, Bola Tinubu’s first son, birthday wishes become a full-blown performance.

    Tinubu, whose birthday is today, October 13, would not get the random “HBD, Boss!” messages flooding the timeline. Instead, we would see a digital parade of political hopefuls, social climbers, loyalists, and professional well-wishers all trying to outdo each other.

    From the poets writing 10-slide tributes to the subtle critics hiding shade under emojis, the internet becomes a theatre of aspiration and irony.

    Here are the 10 kinds of people who showed up online to wish Seyi Tinubu a happy birthday.

    1. The Loyal APC Soldiers

    These are the card-carrying members of Action Progressive Congress (APC), to which senior and junior Tinubu belong. About any elected official or important party member, get public wishes all the time. Now, imagine Seyi Tinubu, the party’s heir apparent and it’s a whole celebration.

    To spot these loyal APC soldiers isn’t hard. They plaster their Facebook and X pages with birthday wishes written in press release format, and fill them with endearments like: “The future of youth empowerment, the bridge between generations, etc.” You can almost hear the campaign jingle in their captions. They’re in the same group chat as those who say “Office of the First Son of the President.”

    2. Ronu People

    You’re likely to mistake this category for the one above, though they aren’t the same. Ronu people can belong to any political party, and are the self-appointed “defenders” of the Yoruba Nation.

    Their birthday message always starts with, “Happy birthday Oju Eko (meaning “Eyes of Lagos”). You’re a source of inspiration to us all.” If they’re trying to be posh, they’d say “Memento Vivre. Happy birthday to the King of Boys.” They don’t know Tinubu or have anything to do with him. They’re just happy to wish him a happy birthday because he’s a Yoruba son of an “Emilokan” President.

    When they’re not celebrating a “son of the soil,” they’re fighting over the right way to spell “Owambe.”


    Subscribe to Zikoko Pop newsletter, The Feed, for the most important pop culture news


    3. The Strategic Networkers

    These ones have never met Seyi Tinubu and don’t know him personally, but they have been “meaning to connect.” Their well-wishes rarely fall far from “Happy birthday, boss of bosses. A true inspiration. More wins, sir!” Every line is a networking pitch disguised as a prayer, hoping one of his people will see it and call them for a business meeting.

    Their profile bio reads something like, “Entrepreneur | Crypto | Logistics | God over Everything.”

    4. Motivational Speakers

    These ones won’t only wish Seyi Tinubu a happy birthday; they deliver a TED talk. They write things like, “Success isn’t by age, it’s by grace. Look at Seyi Tinubu, the definition of focus, discipline, consistency and divine alignment.”

    They use Tinubu’s birthday as an opportunity to remind us that we, too, can make it if we stay consistent — as if consistency alone can fund a Lekki apartment or automatically make Nigerian musicians give you shout-outs in their songs.

    If you scroll two tweets down the birthday wishes, the same person is complaining about NEPA and the new tax policy.

    5. The Influencers and Opportunists

    These ones smell “visibility” from a mile away. The second “Happy Birthday Seyi Tinubu” starts trending, they’re in the quotes with gratitude posts. You’d see tweets like “A visionary! A leader! A man of the people! God bless you abundantly, sir 🙏🏾💙 #STBDay”

    Some will even tag him: “@egbonseyitinubu, thank you for all you do for the youth. We see you, sir 👏🏾👏🏾🔥” They don’t know him personally, but they know engagement when they see it because if they don’t post, how will Tinubu remember them when he’s “empowering the youths and creatives” next?


    READ NEXT:  My Ex Dumped Me for My Commitment Issues. Now She’s Someone’s Wife


    6. The Local Government Loyalists

    These ones are the grassroots soldiers. You’ll find them in the trenches of the comments section, typing like their next appointment depends on it, because it actually might. They’ve probably only met Tinubu once, during a photo-op when he came to commission a borehole, but that one handshake is now their entire political CV.

    They’ll post a picture of him with captions like, “A leader with listening ears” and tag every political handle from @APCNigeria to @lagosstateofficeofsomething. By evening, they’ll be in a WhatsApp group shouting, “Have you people posted for Seyi? Don’t dull o, the Chief of Staff is watching.”

    7. Other Politicians Who Want to Decamp to APC

    These ones know that this is Nigeria, and power can be monarchical. So, they pitch their tent to an important government figure. Whether they’re old enough to be his father, they always start their posts with “My leader and brother, Seyi Tinubu…” like they’ve been friends since university. 

    Their captions are long enough to qualify as a manifesto, full of “renewed hope” and “youth empowerment,” even though the only empowerment they’ve ever given anyone was a few cups of rice during political campaigns.

    Their posts are usually to signal their transfer of allegiance, so that when you see them in agbada by the next press briefing, casually saying “We in APC…” you’re not too shocked.


    Get More Zikoko Goodness in Your Mail

    Subscribe to our newsletters and never miss any of the action


    8. The Content Farmers 

    They don’t follow him and don’t care about him. They want to go viral and only care about engagement. They will post: “Say what you want about Seyi Tinubu, but he’s doing something right.” 

    Then they go to bed, wake up and find their post has 500 comments arguing in the replies. Mission accomplished.

    9. Aspiring Lagos Big Boys

    These ones are dreaming of being at the top of the class system. They are the young guys who see Seyi Tinubu as the ultimate role model. Think private jets, Tesla and political access. Some have no clue what he is about and how he got his money, but they just want they may call his kind of  “doings.”

    On his birthday, they post things like, “One day, they’ll mention my name beside yours, boss 🙏🏾🔥.” Well, nothing to see here. Just people hoping their own “Seyi Tinubu Moment” starts before their rent expires.

    10. The Non-Well-Wishers

    These ones don’t say “Happy Birthday”, they drop thinkpieces. They see Seyi Tinubu’s birthday trend and suddenly turn into full-time political analysts. “In a country where the minimum wage is ₦30k, someone’s son is cutting cake in Dubai?” they’d tweet, unprovoked. Just long threads about nepotism, privilege, and “the real problem with Nigeria’s elite structure.”

    They won’t wish him well, and they side-eye every birthday post like, “So na our tax money dey celebrate too?” or “Is this leadership?” The closest to a birthday wish from them is a sarcastic “E go be.”


    ALSO READ: 15 Nigerian Nepo Babies Who Turned Privilege Into Success


    [ad][/ad]

  • Hello.

    Are you single due to no fault of your own (village people) or due to a fault of your own (madness, bad behaviour, selfishness, gaslighting, girl bossing, gatekeeping, inability to be someone’s peace, inability to piss one place make e foam — i.e. cheating) and will therefore spend this Valentine’s day alone snarling at couples in real life and online out of intense levels of jealousy unseen since Cain killed Abel?

    If your answer to all that was yes, here are five ways to change your miserable fate.

    Go to therapy.

    The reason you’ve been unable to get anyone to love you could be because you have issues that can only be solved with the help of a mental health professional. Use the 14 days you have left between the time this article is being written and Valentine’s Day to find a therapist (or two, depending on the severity of your issues) and get to work. You don’t have time to ease into it, so you should be ready to vomit all your trauma onto that therapist’s floor during your first session.

    If you’re lucky, someone will notice that you’ve changed and pick — you, choose you, love — you to do “my view, their view” with this year.

    Try church.

    Church prayer

    Churches are full of people trying to better themselves, so you’ll fit right in. Just be sure not to drop the problems you showed up with and leave with someone else’s. For example, say you’re there to shake off the spiritual spouse you didn’t know tethered itself to you the time you gave your celebrity crush gluck-gluck sloppy-toppy 3000 in a dream. Don’t leave there with another demon that has no interest in you or your genitals and just wants to cause chaos.

    It’s time to shine your spiritual eye.

    Do juju.

    Don’t make that face, ok? Deep down, you always knew it would come to this. You’re gonna find a way to get a lock of hair from your crush and take it to a Babalawo so they can jazz the person into liking you back. Contrary to popular belief, Babalawos are no longer hard to find. Hell, half the time, they’ll do the hard work by seeking you out.

    Hijack someone’s proposal.

    People have gotten engaged so much since November last year that I wondered if the rapture was coming and single people would be left behind. My point is that it shouldn’t be hard to find a proposal taking place. Find one, threaten one of them at gunpoint to leave and never return. Then take their place. Simple. Use the gun to get the other person to stay with you until Valentine’s Day.

    Join a throuple.

    If using violence or juju isn’t your thing, find a relationship that’s already in full gear and convince them to take you in by reciting Nicki Minaj’s second verse in the song Hey Mama. If it’s good enough for the white gays, it’s good enough for you.

  • Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

    (Zikoko arrives at the interview location. When Naira told Zikoko he’ll choose the location, a bakery was the last place Zikoko saw the interview happening.)

    Zikoko: What will my eyes not see because of this job, bayi? 

    (Zikoko takes a deep breath and walks into the deserted bakery.) 

    Zikoko: Hello, is anyone here? I have an interview with Naira 

    Naira: Yes, yes. Welcome! 

    (Naira comes out in a chef’s hat and apron, covered in flour and smelling of vanilla. Zikoko has never been more confused.)

    Naira: Sorry for being late. I was in the kitchen, trying out a new recipe. 

    Zikoko: You bake? 

    Naira: Well, I’ve been trying my hands at different things since it looks like this whole currency business isn’t working out well for me. 

    Zikoko: And you chose baking? (Zikoko mutters under their breath) See me thinking we’ll do this thing in CBN office, and I can take some ghana must gos on my way out. 

    Naira: Did you say something? 

    Zikoko: Just asking why you chose baking

    Naira: Oh, yes. It’s actually a brilliant idea. You see, in baking, yeast makes things to rise. I was thinking if I spend enough time baking, my body would absorb some of that yeast and I’ll swell in value. 

    Zikoko: (Looks around for a camera because this can’t be real life.) And how’s that working out for you? 

    Naira: Well, the dollar was ₦890 black market rate before. Now, it’s seven hundred and something. The bakery thing is working! A little bit of yeast is all I need, and we’ll be good to go.

    RELATED: Interview With Dollars: “I’m Too Sexy for This World

    Zikoko: Have you ever heard of a currency using yeast to rise? 

    Naira: Well, no, but there’s a first time for everything. Is there not? Plus, our case is a peculiar one. I’m a bit desperate and trying my best here. 

    I’m the butt of jokes at all the currency meetings. Do you know dollar and pounds used to be my best friends? They used to call me, “Mr Naira” and I was once respected on a global scale. Now, I’m just here. 

    Zikoko: And you think baking will fix that? 

    Naira: It’s fixing it already. The proof is in the pudding. Speaking of pudding, I have something in the oven. I’ll be back. 

    (Naira rushes into the kitchen. Zikoko is still confused because, what the actual fuck is going on?) 

    Naira (returns with a tray of cookies): Sorry for the delay. You want a cookie? 

    (Zikoko picks one up to taste, and honestly, it’s the best cookie ever)

    Zikoko: Truly, if this currency thing doesn’t w

    ork out, open your own bakery. But first, we need you. Yeast can’t be your only plan. 

    Naira: It isn’t! I assure you. Meffy came up with something recently and who knows where that’ll go. 

    Zikoko: You can’t mean…

    Naira: The naira redesign. First of all, I love a good makeover. The last time I had one was when they did the ₦100 notes in 2014. Look at how cute they look now. I think they should redesign all the notes so they’d match. We’d have this cute and colourful aesthetic going on. 

    RELATED: Interview With Naira Notes: “Everything Is Packaging”

    Zikoko: Aesthetic? 

    Naira: Yes! Look at the pounds and the Canadian dollar. Can’t you see how great they look and how much value they have? 

    Because my value is depreciating doesn’t mean I should look scrappy. Must I look like what I’m going through? 

    Zikoko: But the rest of us who depend on you look like what we’re going through. 

    Naira: Well, you can ask for your own makeover, I guess. Maybe it’ll cheer you all up. 

    Zikoko: Do you have another plan? 

    Naira: Well, we can try to bring our kobo out of retirement.

    Zikoko: When even 50 is going into retirement, you want to bring back the kobo? 

    Naira: I’m trying my best here. Nobody checks in on me these days. What about how I’m doing mentally? Always, “Why is the Naira like this?” not “How is the Naira?” 

    You didn’t even know I picked up a hobby until you needed me for something. When you were little, you always hated it when people compare you to others. Yet every day, you compare me to other currencies. Do you know what that does for my mental health? 

    Zikoko: We’re sorry. We promise to do better. 

    Naira: Plus, why are you stressing me about it? Why not take it up with Meffy? It’s his job to make sure I perform great. 

    Zikoko: Meffy won’t answer us

    Naira: He’s being such a naughty boy. I’ll talk to him later after my meeting with inflation.  

    Zikoko: So you plan on doing something about inflation? 

    Naira: I’m going to give her some cookies. She’s one of my oldest friends, and we’ve been hanging out together a lot more. I think we might have something special going on. 

    Zikoko: But can’t you see the adverse effects of hanging around inflation all the time? 

    Naira: You can’t tell me who to love. 

    Zikoko: (Getting angry) You have to be joking. 

    Naira: I’m sensing that this environment has turned hostile and would like to end this interview. The bad vibes won’t be good for the cookies and cream cake I want to bake next. 

    Zikoko: (Sighs in defeat) Okay, I’ll be on my way now.

    Naira: Before you go, you owe me ₦5k for that cookie.

    Zikoko: 5k keh? It’s just one cookie FGS. I even thought it was free. 

    Naira: Free? In this economy? Yesterday’s price isn’t today’s price, dear. Inflation is expensive to maintain, and I like to keep my baby happy. 

    Zikoko: But 5k for a singular cookie is too much.

    Naira: Eyah, but that’s not my business.

    RELATED: Interview With Nigerian Internet Service Providers: “Let Us Explain”

  • Since we all know most Nigerian mothers are in love with love their sons, here are some things you should note before you meet your future mother-in-law for the first time. 

    Start crawling from the gate to greet her 

    Imagine trying to greet your future mother-in-law with a hug and a smile? As you enter the gate, take off your shoes and start crawling and you sing her praises. “Oh Lord and personal mistress, I have come o!”

    No make up or artificial nails. If possible, come naked 

    Well, since this is your chance to prove that you’ll be a good wife, might as well come naked. Since we’ve turned a visit to inspection. Let them know what they’re really getting into. 

    Pound yam and fetch firewood

    Because the people that invented gas and pounding machines are FOOLS! You’re an industrious woman that can make sure her boyfriend is well taken care of in true traditional fashion irrespective of the circumstances. 

    When you finish cooking, kneel down and serve your boyfriend 

    A humble girlfriend is a good girlfriend. Your master  boyfriend needs to eat, and as a subservient girlfriend, you have to serve your king while on your knees. If he goes to the kitchen to dish his food himself, you’ve lost the plot. 

    RELATED: How to Be the Perfect Nigerian Mother-in-Law to Your Son’s Wife

    If you’re taller than your boyfriend’s mother, reduce your height 

    If not they’d think you’re proud. How can you as a woman be taller than your future mother-in-law? Does that not mean you think you’re above her? Your better shrink your height.  

    Fetch water in the house before you leave 

    So what if they have running water? Find empty basins and fetch some water. You can even ask your mother-in-law to join you. You can’t spell bondage without bond, innit? 

    Wash all the clothes in the house 

    Dirty or clean, just wash them. Prove yourself. 

    RELATED: 8 Types of Nigerian Mothers-in-Law

    If there’s meat in your food, return it 

    You’re eating meat at your boyfriend’s mother’s house? Is this playing? Who the fuck do you think you are? Better return the meat. How else will they know you’re humble and from a good home? 

    Sing the national anthem

    Nobody wants a daughter-in-law that isn’t patriotic. If you really want to burst her head? Sing the second stanza too. Omo mehn. 

    Mop their compound 

    At this point, you’re thinking outside the box. An innovative queen. 

    RELATED: How to Be the Perfect Daughter-in-Law According to Nigerians

  • There are lots of books on how to raise a son, but none on how to be the perfect Nigerian mother-in-law to your son’s wife. That’s why we have taken it upon ourselves to answer this clarion call and provide you with the tools needed to be the most hated sought-after Nigerian mother-in-law. 

    Treat your son like an infant 

    We all know he’s not capable of doing basic chores even though he’s an grown man, so you must make his wife go above and beyond to make up for his inadequacy. 

    Never beat the Oedipus Complex allegations 

    Since you’re your son’s first love, anyone that has come to take a place in his life as mother wife needs to come correct. She has to walk like you, talk like you, cook like you, and even dress like you. 

    RELATED: How to Be the Perfect Daughter-in-Law According to Nigerians

    Bond with his wife over non-enjoyment things

    How dare you attempt to get to know his wife over things like spa dates and sleepovers? You don’t need such softness in your life, YOU’RE A WAR! Act like it! Both of you should bond over pounding yam at 3 a.m. because that’s what real women do! 

    Give her ridiculous tests 

    Your daughter-in-law may have thought that graduating from school meant no more tests, but she’s wrong! Test her till you can test no more. Back in the day, they tested by offering the daughter-in-law money to leave their son, but unfortunately, these days, dollar prices have gone up but I trust you can find another way. 

    RELATED: The Best Places to Find the Perfect Nigerian Wife

    Compete, don’t complete 

    Does she know you are the most important person in your son’s life? She has to. And what better way than to find ways to remind and humble her. She asks her husband for 1k? Ask for 10! You all want to enter your son’s car? Compete for the front seat and make her sit at the back. Because it’s like she doesn’t know her place. Mtchew.

    Hound her for grandchildren 

    Having grandchildren is definitely the most important thing on your list, not less important things like building a loving home or surviving Nigeria. So, disturb her. It doesn’t matter if your son is unable to father children. She must get pregnant. 

    Move in with them for a while 

    Honeymoon phase? For here? They will like cohabitation. 

    RELATED: The Zikoko Guide to Becoming the Proverbs 31 Man in Nigeria


    READ ALSO: Sunken Ships: We Should’ve Been Friends Before We Dated

  • Some people monitor their calendars ahead of Christmas, while others just go about it like it’s just another day,  even though they can’t completely ignore it. Here are some signs that signal the arrival of the sparkly lights and excess jollof rice season.

    1. Mariah Carey and Boney M rise up like Lazarus

    These two artists force their way into our lives every Christmas. For millennials and Gen Zs, it’s Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas, but for your parents and grandparents, be sure to hear a lot of Boney M starting next week. 

    2. Eko Hotel roundabout starts to look like a Christmas lights battlefield

    For Lagosians, nothing signals the arrival of Christmas like driving past Eko Hotel and seeing that they’ve turned the roundabout into Father Christmas’ guest house. The moment you see this, you know it’s time to start buying and hoarding chickens before they start adding ₦100 to everything. 

    3. Everything becomes expensive AF! 

    Someone needs to explain the logic behind this. Every year, once sellers start to smell December, they go on their WhatsApp group and decide to increase their prices. They just feel like it’s time to show us pepper. If you like, walk away, no one will call you back to give you another “last price”. 

    4. Everyone and their daddy is having a concert

    We know this all too well. Tickets are already on sale. Nothing heralds Christmas more than musical concerts. The tickets usually say 7 p.m., but real ones know that the main artist will probably be turning semo by that time, so it’s best to go at midnight when witches are having their own conference. 

    5. Christmas carols services and fundraising everywhere

    As if they are competing with the “worldly” crowd, you can count on churches to increase the number of harvests and bazaars they have on their roster. Christmas Carols will also happen nonstop from Monday to Saturday. Anytime you blink, you’ll probably see three kings offering gold, frankincense and crypto coins. 

    Get More Zikoko Goodness in Your Mail

    Subscribe to our newsletters and never miss any of the action

    6. Red and green everywhere!

    From those sparkly lights that look like thorns to some of your co-workers’ outfits, be prepared to see a lot of red and green. By mid-December, we doubt you’ll remember any other primary color. 

    7. No more sequins in the market

    Christmas brings with it a strong Nigerian urge to look like a mirror ball. It’s like everyone wants to shine just in case there’s a power outage. Buy your sequins now before it’s too late. Don’t say we didn’t warn you. 

    8. IJGBs are littered around like red sand in Benin

    Get ready for a lot of “innits” and “back in the states”, as Christmas is the only time our brothers and sisters in the diaspora decide to visit and flex on us (it’s not easy living in a country that actually works!). After months of trying their hands at Nigerian dance moves and making “My African parent” videos for TikTok, they finally come back for premium rocks and fornication. Want to blend in? Start practising your British-Amerigbor accent now. 

    9. You start spending money you don’t have

    The Christmas season is when your mouth will convince you that your taste palette has changed, and it’s time to start eating like crazy because it’s detty december.  We’ll advise you to think again. The trumpet won’t blow in December, and don’t forget rent is due at the end of January. A word is enough for the wise.

    10. Flight tickets become more expensive than drugs 

    Similar to market prices, you can bet that the price of your average flight will double. If you still haven’t bought your ticket by now, omo, to Jesus be your glory o!  

  • If you’re a Nigerian living in Nigeria, we don’t need to tell you that times are hard.  Working for our daily “N2k” used to be enough but with the way the Naira’s value keeps somersaulting up and down, N2k doesn’t cut it anymore.. Inspired by some of our favorite occult Nollywood movies, we’ve compiled a list of tested and trusted people you can use for blood money when poverty starts to  choke you. Remember, this is based on old Nollywood, we have zero experience. 

    Your First Wife 

    This wife is probably the one you truly love. You know, the one you used to chase around a tree while singing Westlife songs? Yes.  Tony Umez did it in “Billionaire’s Club” and look how much money he made! Granted, she might haunt you for as long as you live, but what’s a little haunting to a truckload of hard currency?  When the sacrifice is done and the credit alert hits, marry a new wife to help you spend the money on exorbitant trips abroad..

    Your Younger Brother

    Nigerians always claim to know someone in their village who just happens to be richer than Bill Gates. Do you want to make this local champions Forbes list? Then it’s time for your younger brother to join the hosts of heaven or hell (wherever he goes is up to him). The ball in your court, Lebron. Do the needful.

    Your First Born

    This right here is a classic! We don’t even have to cite old Nollywood. Just look at Abraham, who was willing to stab and roast his little boy in the Bible. If you want an example that’s “closer to home,” binge watch  films featuring Kanayo O. Kanayo and Clem Ohameze. You’ll learn a few things about this. 

    Bonus point: according to Nollywood, the worst thing a dead baby can do while haunting you is cry constantly at night. Thankfully technology has given us noise cancellation headphones. 

    Your Mother

    Compiling this list, we came to the conclusion that old Nollywood was deeply misogynistic. Why was it only men that made these sacrifices?  Why wasn’t anyone sacrificing their father? Anyways, our views aside, giving up your mum the way Zack Orji did in “Blood Money” is a surefire way to constant credit alerts, with a sprinkle of madness. 

    Yourself

    We’re sure you didn’t see this coming.  If you’re willing to let all these people die, you must be ready to expire like fried rice. According to old Nollywood, how this works is that you make a deal to be rich for a certain number of years just so you can die on a super dramatic birthday, like your 40th or 50th. This definitely gives a new meaning to “enjoy your youth while it lasts.”

  • All people on Twitter do all day is insult each other and talk about what their love language is. And that makes sense because the older you get, the more you understand what your love language is, and the ways you want to love and be loved. That being said, have you ever thought about what your love language(s) think about you?  

    Well, we talked to them and here’s what they really have to say about you. Brace yourself for shade because not all of what they say is nice.

    Physical Touch

    Lean on me no be press me die, please. Let your partner have some breathing space. I don’t know why you want to enter your partner’s body when you have yours. Please, stop using me as an excuse for body invader behaviour. Have you considered the possibility that your partner might really like their personal space but hasn’t complained yet because they don’t want to hurt your feelings? No, you haven’t. Because you’re selfish.

    Gift Giving

    Jesus already gave his life as a gift, so tell me why you are breaking the bank and your back to buy a gift. Overall best in love and intentionality. To people who love to receive gifts, I need you to know the item you took from your partner’s closet wasn’t a gift from them to you. Try to return it or ask them for it, you fucking thief. 

    Acts Of Service

    Actual overall best in love and romance — you and Jesus are in the same group chat. Nigerian mobile networks and internet service providers should learn work from you when it comes to providing service. 

    Quality Time

    Yoruba men are not very familiar with this one, so imagine my shock whenever I hear them mention me as one of their love languages. What Yoruba men are great at is time management, which explains how they can visit their 5 wives and 24 girlfriends in 24hrs. King Solomon could’ve learned a thing or two from Yoruba men.

    Words of Affirmation

    Of all the love languages, I am the one that has suffered the most. Liars have perfected the art of using me to get whatever they want in relationships/situationships., This has happened so much, I can’t tell when they’re telling the truth or lying their asses off. Even people who use me to reaffirm themselves use me to lie. They finish affirming themselves and go back to do the same thing they said they’ll no longer do. Like going back to that ex who you know is toxic for you but gives good sex. More than anything, I want you to want better for yourself. Have some self-respect.

  • We already talked about the things heterosexual Nigerian men should not be caught doing. Now, we’re about to be more specific. If you’re a true Nigerian alpha male, who beats his chest like a gorilla and doesn’t wipe his ass, these are the colours you must never be caught wearing.

    1. Pink

    man in pink suit wearing sunglasses photo – Free Man Image on Unsplash

    Everyone knows pink is for women and little girls, so what are you doing wearing any piece of clothing that has pink on it? Are you a Disney princess, a Powerpuff girl, or that one female member of the Voltron team? Because that’s the only reason you should be seen wearing pink.

    2. White

    White? What are you? A KKK member? The white power ranger? A Nollywood ghost? If you wear white, how can someone tell you apart from a bride? You might as well be cosplaying as Madonna from the “Like a Virgin” music video.

    3. Yellow

    We already know Nigerian men can never be caught wearing yellow for any reason, but we don’t want to take any chances, so this is a final official warning. If you wear yellow out of your house, we’re all just going to assume that you’re a street marketer for Blue Band and will give you a touch of blue to complete the look. Speaking of blue…

    4. Light blue

    If you wear light blue, your penis will disappear. If you think we’re lying, try it. Good luck spending the rest of your life looking like a Ken doll “down there” and having to pee out of your mouth.

    5. Dark blue

    Dark blue may seem like a manly colour, but it’s really not. Blue is blue. The only males that should wear blue are children doing inter-house sports and the Genie from Disney’s “Aladdin.”. Any other person that wears blue is a dead guy and must be treated as such. We don’t make the rules. We just follow them.

    6. Red

    If you’re not a movie babalawo or a particularly sassy Mount Zion movie prostitute ironically named Mary, there’s no reason you should be wearing red. Go find another colour, you Nollywood cliché.

    7. Purple

    Imagine being an alpha male that goes to the gym and cheats on women who also wears purple? Are you mad?! Who are you supposed to be? Tinky Winky or Daphne from Scooby-Doo? Why are you embarrassing all of us scummy men like this?

    8. Any colour on the rainbow

    Have you ever seen people’s reactions to rainbows? All they do is say “Awwww” and then begin to take pictures. Nobody fears rainbows. DO YOU WANT THEM TO LOOK AT YOU AND SAY AWWWW?

    9. Black

    Real men don’t wear black. Other men are already wearing black, so why do you want to do “and co” with random men. That’s definitely not a manly trait. Please fix up.


    9 Ways To Be A Real Nigerian Alpha Male

  • Dear rich kings, we’re thinking of you in a period where money is the only thing people want from relationships. If a woman exhibits at least 4 of the signs in this article, she’s only dating you for your money.

    1. She likes food

    If a woman has “foodie” in her bio, and constantly posts pictures of things like pasta, she’s just looking for someone that will fund her lifestyle. Run o.

    2. She’s on Instagram

    Any woman that is on Instagram is only there to find expensive things for men to buy for them. Avoid these types of women. On the first date, check her phone. If you see Instagram there, run.

    3. She has a birthday wishlist

    Are you Father Christmas? Why is she sending you her wishlist? Women are good planners. She only got with you so that you will be able to fund her birthday wishlist. Run.

    4. You’re a tech bro

    You don’t have to be working at PiggyVest to be a tech bro o. If you can use a phone or a laptop, you are a tech bro. Once a woman knows that you can operate a laptop, that’s the end. She will be looking for your money.

    5. She says she loves you

    If your babe tells you she loves you, she’s just trying to scam you into spending money on her. Break up with her.

    6. She doesn’t say she loves you

    If she doesn’t say she loves you, it’s obvious that she’s not in this relationship for emotional purposes, but for financial purposes. Break up with her.

    7. She buys you gifts

    This one is for smart gold diggers. If a woman buys a car for you, better don’t collect it. It means she wants you to buy 3 cars and 1 house for her in return. Think smart, king.

    8. She has friends

    Women with friends are the most dangerous. One moment you’re chilling, the next she wants an iPhone because her friends are using iPhones too. Be careful.

    9. She doesn’t buy you gifts

    If she doesn’t buy you gifts, she’s obviously in the relationship for one-sided financial purposes only. Run.

    10. She cannot follow you to do bend down select

    What is love? Is it not for better or worse?

    11. She doesn’t have her own apartment

    This means she’s only with you because you have an apartment. Don’t allow it happen.

    12. Her love language is receiving gifts

    Out of all the love languages, the only one she saw to pick was receiving gifts? That’s how you know a scammer from far away.


    QUIZ: How Rich Do You Look?

    Take this quiz, and we’ll tell you how rich you really look.