Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 35-year-old woman. She talks about learning something new about her sex life with every partner, the “whoremone” that came with her pregnancy and how sex in her 30s is the best thing ever.
Tell me about your first sexual experience.
I was 16 years old when I had sex for the first time. My boyfriend and I had tried multiple times, but we’d stop because it was painful. That day, we decided to just go for it. It ended up being a pleasurable experience.
We dated for three years and had sex almost every day. Even when I relocated to Benin Republic for school, I’d go see him once a month. It’s not like Benin Republic is far, plus orgasms are very important. The trips were worth it.
Was the sex that great?
It was very explorative. He was my first physically and emotionally, and he made me feel secure and safe. It was a different kind of special.
Too bad we had to end the relationship because we both wanted different things out of life. Plus, he was also cheating. I had to say bye to that.
Oops. What then did you say hello to?
I got into another relationship when I was 19, and this time, the sex was terrible. At least in the beginning.
We both tried to hide just how much we enjoyed sex from the other person. Where we’re from — because we come from the same place — sexual purity is very important. It’s ingrained into our heads from a young age that sex is not allowed till you’re married. So when we did start having sex, we pretended that we both were new to it.
Getting comfortable around each other was also difficult because we lived in different states and saw each other for a stretch of time once in three months.
How did you eventually overcome it?
The longer the relationship went on, we talked a lot more and as we spent more time together, we got more comfortable around each other. That’s when we started having the kind of sex we liked.
He was the one that introduced me to period sex. We’d have sex while on my period, and he’d even give me head. At first I was uncomfortable with the idea, but I warmed up to it. It was very sexy. During your period, all the sensations you feel are heightened, so it felt extra great.
But all good things must come to an end. Our relationship ended because although the sex was great, he wasn’t a particularly great boyfriend. At this point in my life, although I liked sex, it wasn’t enough to excuse bad behaviour.
Love that for you honestly.
I didn’t start having consistent, close-by sex again until a few months after I broken up with my then-boyfriend.
The new man and I worked in different zones of the same office. There was an event that required members from different zones to attend, and that’s how I met him. He was 31. Where I come from, this is a normal age range between couples, so I didn’t feel a kind of way about it.
We lived a street apart, so we had sex whenever we wanted, as many times as we wanted. I think I learnt the most about myself sexually during this time.
What did you learn?
That I enjoy exhibitionism and role play. We’d have sex outside, in cars, elevators, restrooms, pretty much anywhere we had a chance of getting caught. I could never predict where we were going to have sex, but one thing I knew was that as long as our eyes met? Sex was going to happen. Since we worked together and lived so close by, it was bound to happen a lot. It kept me on edge and ready.
As regards to role play? It was different. Setting the scene and acting out as anyone really let our minds roam free. I could be a naughty wife that needs punishment, or a sub that has annoyed her dom. I enjoyed it so thoroughly.
He ghosted me after we had been together for almost two years. He asked me to spend Christmas in his place. After about two days, he travelled and didn’t tell me. His numbers were switched off and he wasn’t replying my messages. This went on for almost a week. By the time he came back, I had moved on. He told me he went to get a ring to propose, but that was his business. I couldn’t tolerate a man that felt comfortable ghosting me for days. My 22-year-old self was done with his ass.
After him, I started dating another man. We dated for about five months and for the first three months of the relationship, he never made any attempts to get physical with me. I was a bit worried and even asked him if his penis had issues. He said it didn’t, but he just didn’t believe in sex before marriage. Me on the other hand, I believed in it, so we had sex. It wasn’t particularly exciting, and we broke up shortly after.
Dating him made me realise that sex isn’t a priority for me in a relationship. He was a very sweet person and I had a lot of fun just being with him. As much as I enjoy it and liked having it, I’d never leave a good relationship built on the foundation of friendship because of sex. This one ended because his parents didn’t like me. I was distraught and sad, but not for long. In the midst of my sadness, I met someone else and we eventually got married when I was 23.
How was married woman sex like?
I won’t say I know exactly how all married women have sex, but my sex life became very mid. Not because of the marriage but because of who it was with.
While we were dating, we had sex a few times, but after the wedding, he came up with a bunch of rules. He said my kissing was too sloppy and he didn’t like it, that he wasn’t going to give and receive head either and that my moaning was “sluttish.”
When he gave all these instructions, sex no longer became fun for me, but rather, something I partook in. I wasn’t able to express myself the way I wanted because sex with him had to be done a certain way.
The thing is that some men have a very specific conditioning when it comes to sex. They had this puritanical upbringing, and so sex with women they marry should be conducted in a certain way.
Even when I got pregnant, the sex was still just something I just participated in.
How was sex while pregnant?
I was 23 years old when I had my first child, and I call pregnancy the “whoremone” because I got a huge libido increase. My body was constantly ready to have sex.
If he was available, we’d have sex. If he wasn’t, I’d use my sex toys. If I didn’t feel like using my sex toys, I’d just rest and try to get along with my day.
Did it stay that way after the baby was born?
No, my libido dropped. For the first six weeks, doctors advised for there to be no penetration because my body was trying to heal, and I followed that religiously.
Even after the six weeks were up, I still had to deal with body images. Pregnancy changes your body, and you have to learn to like the new body you have. Then with the stress of taking care of a newborn? Sex was the last thing on my mind. My sex drive eventually picked back up when the child was about four to six months old.
We had another child together, but the relationship ended after ten years. We got divorced the year I turned 32, and I decided to start enjoying sex once more. It’s been delicious.
Why’s 30+ sex so great?
One day, the sex drive just hits you. You go to bed like a normal person, then you wake up with a puddle in between your legs. You’re energised, and you feel your best and the orgasms you have are way more intense.
Since I’m older now, my body looks absolutely amazing and I feel good as well. I also have more money that I can use to take care of myself. Everywhere I turn, there’s someone that wants me. There’s constantly someone in my life catering to my sexual needs, and I’m having a whole lot of sex. It’s great.
I’ve had a bit of experience, so I know what I want and what I don’t. I’m very clear on those things when I meet a new partner, and it takes away the awkwardness that comes with having sex. I’m much more comfortable in my sexuality.
Interesting! How then will you rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10?
I’d give my sex life an 8. The only reason it’s an 8 is because the person I’m currently seeing is just as busy as I am, so we don’t have sex as frequently as I’d like. If the frequency increases, it’ll probably be a 10.