How to Survive If You Find Yourself in an Old Nollywood Horror Film

October 30, 2022

It’s Halloween season, and while a lot of people like to mock Old Nollywood for their weird CGI and crazy plot twists, I think they made some of the scariest movies I’ve ever seen. 

As someone who loves the horror genre, I’ve gone back to watch some of these movies, so I can give you tips on how to survive them if by any chance you find yourself haunted by a demon baby or tempted to sacrifice your spouse for money. 

Let’s go. 

Diamond Ring 

Diamond Ring is one of the many  reasons I don’t play with dead people. The film follows Chidi, played by Teju Babyface (emphasis on the “baby face” here) and the misfortunes that follow him and his friends after they steal a diamond ring from a dead Liz Benson. 

How to survive this film: Keep your hands to yourself. Even if you want to steal, is it from a dead person? What happened to having small shame? 

Nneka the Pretty Serpent 

While I’m not a big fan of the 2020 remake, I have to admit the original Nneka the Pretty Serpent slaps hard. The film follows two different men whose lives are turned upside down when they start cheating on their partners with Nneka, a woman who was born after a chicken was sacrificed — it’s a long story, just read this recap

How to survive this film: Keep your penis in one place. If you don’t go cheating up and down like a harlot, there’s a high chance you’ll be fine. 

Mark of the Beast 

In Mark of the Beast, Satan sends his son to come fuck things up for the people on earth. But honestly, the whole wahala started because Enebeli Elebuwa lost his baby and decided to exchange it with a random baby at the hospital behind his wife’s back. 

How to survive this film: Don’t take random babies from the hospital. Adoption is great, but follow the appropriate process to avoid hot tears. 

Full Moon 

In Full Moon, Regina Askia plays Lucy, a discount version of Storm from X-Men, who gets her power from the moon and turns her uncles into pillars of salt just like Lot’s wife. They’re not innocent, though. These men killed her parents all because they wanted the family’s oil-rich land for themselves. 

How to survive this film: Don’t be the greedy fool who kills their brother because you want to sell their land to a coloniser. Blood is thicker than oil — I think. 

Living in Bondage 

Living in Bondage follows Andy, played by Kenneth Okonkwo, who is poor AF and deeply frustrated by his life in the trenches — this was before Buhari, by the way. To solve his problems, he joins a cult and sacrifices his loyal girlfriend, Merit, for unlimited funds. Like every other Nollywood film, Andy’s life starts turning on its own after the sacrifice is completed. 

How to survive this film: Don’t marry a poor man with potential, to avoid getting used for blood sacrifice. It’s as easy as one, two, three. 

RECOMMENDED: How to Avoid Being Used for Rituals, According to Nollywood

Igodo 

Igodo is the male version of Egg of Life. The film follows a group of men who venture into the evil forest to get a magical cutlass that will put an end to the deaths in their village. Long story short, only one man makes it out alive. 

How to survive this film: Pack your load and run when people start dying in your village. I’m sure that’s not the only village in the fictional state. Run before they nominate you to go into the evil forest. 

The Oracle 

The Oracle follows Old Nollywood panty-droppers, Saint Obi, Ejike Asiegbu and Charles Okafor as armed robbers. Their lives start to go downhill after they steal an old statue and sell it to a Filipino man cosplaying as white. 

How to survive this film: Don’t play with spiritual statues or figurines. Why are you stealing something from a shrine at your big age? 

Witches 

Witches is about a woman named Princess, played by Liz Benson. After abandoning her fabulous witch coven because of a man, she ends up barren and eventually stuck with a demon baby. The film is even more iconic because of this chaotic accident scene that lives rent free in my head: 

How to survive this film: If you want to survive Witches, I’d advise you to avoid men and cling to your coven. You can’t eat your cake and have it. 

End of the Wicked

End of the Wicked just has a lot of wild things going on for no reason. From kids eating a man’s spinal cord, a woman conjuring a penis to rape her daughter-in-law, to a dog eating someone’s womb and Alex Osifo drinking blood like it’s jolly juice — it probably was. 

How to survive this film: Omo, you’re on your own. I have absolutely no idea. 

ALSO READ: The Zikoko Guide To Making A Nigerian Horror Movie

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

June 2, 2020

OPPO Mobile Nigeria is once again taking the lead in the Nigerian smartphone industry through the launch of the creative Reno3 “Urban 24” contest which it recently announced on its social media pages yesterday. With millions of Nigerian youth being very creative and fashion inclined, OPPO Mobile Nigeria seeks to support young and trendy aspiring […]

September 15, 2020

If you’ve been following this year’s Big Brother show then you’ve probably had 5 or 6 moments where you thought Big Brother sounded a lot like an average Nigerian parent. Here are 5 of those times; 1. Adding “immediately” to his sentences. “Move to the garden immediately”. Because he can’t yell like a typical Nigerian […]

Watch

Now on Zikoko

Recommended Quizzes

June 14, 2020

Have you ever been with someone so horrible that you swore to never date again? Yes? Well, do you know that one or more of your exes probably feels the same way about you? You never thought about that, huh? Thankfully, this quiz is here to let you know just how much of a hassle […]

More from Movies & TV

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

September 13, 2022
Vs The World is a Zikoko original video series that follows best friends Astor and Hassan as they take on the world.
August 23, 2022
Zikoko Ships is a Zikoko Original series where we invite two people who share a relationship to play the Zikoko card games
December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X