It’s Halloween season, and while a lot of people like to mock Old Nollywood for their weird CGI and crazy plot twists, I think they made some of the scariest movies I’ve ever seen.
As someone who loves the horror genre, I’ve gone back to watch some of these movies, so I can give you tips on how to survive them if by any chance you find yourself haunted by a demon baby or tempted to sacrifice your spouse for money.
Diamond Ring is one of the many reasons I don’t play with dead people. The film follows Chidi, played by Teju Babyface (emphasis on the “baby face” here) and the misfortunes that follow him and his friends after they steal a diamond ring from a dead Liz Benson.
How to survive this film: Keep your hands to yourself. Even if you want to steal, is it from a dead person? What happened to having small shame?
Nneka the Pretty Serpent
While I’m not a big fan of the 2020 remake, I have to admit the original Nneka the Pretty Serpent slaps hard. The film follows two different men whose lives are turned upside down when they start cheating on their partners with Nneka, a woman who was born after a chicken was sacrificed — it’s a long story, just read this recap.
How to survive this film: Keep your penis in one place. If you don’t go cheating up and down like a harlot, there’s a high chance you’ll be fine.
Mark of the Beast
In Mark of the Beast, Satan sends his son to come fuck things up for the people on earth. But honestly, the whole wahala started because Enebeli Elebuwa lost his baby and decided to exchange it with a random baby at the hospital behind his wife’s back.
How to survive this film: Don’t take random babies from the hospital. Adoption is great, but follow the appropriate process to avoid hot tears.
In Full Moon, Regina Askia plays Lucy, a discount version of Storm from X-Men, who gets her power from the moon and turns her uncles into pillars of salt just like Lot’s wife. They’re not innocent, though. These men killed her parents all because they wanted the family’s oil-rich land for themselves.
How to survive this film: Don’t be the greedy fool who kills their brother because you want to sell their land to a coloniser. Blood is thicker than oil — I think.
Living in Bondage
How to survive this film: Don’t marry a poor man with potential, to avoid getting used for blood sacrifice. It’s as easy as one, two, three.
Igodo is the male version of Egg of Life. The film follows a group of men who venture into the evil forest to get a magical cutlass that will put an end to the deaths in their village. Long story short, only one man makes it out alive.
How to survive this film: Pack your load and run when people start dying in your village. I’m sure that’s not the only village in the fictional state. Run before they nominate you to go into the evil forest.
The Oracle follows Old Nollywood panty-droppers, Saint Obi, Ejike Asiegbu and Charles Okafor as armed robbers. Their lives start to go downhill after they steal an old statue and sell it to a Filipino man cosplaying as white.
How to survive this film: Don’t play with spiritual statues or figurines. Why are you stealing something from a shrine at your big age?
Witches is about a woman named Princess, played by Liz Benson. After abandoning her fabulous witch coven because of a man, she ends up barren and eventually stuck with a demon baby. The film is even more iconic because of this chaotic accident scene that lives rent free in my head:
How to survive this film: If you want to survive Witches, I’d advise you to avoid men and cling to your coven. You can’t eat your cake and have it.
End of the Wicked
End of the Wicked just has a lot of wild things going on for no reason. From kids eating a man’s spinal cord, a woman conjuring a penis to rape her daughter-in-law, to a dog eating someone’s womb and Alex Osifo drinking blood like it’s jolly juice — it probably was.
How to survive this film: Omo, you’re on your own. I have absolutely no idea.