Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be recapping the Nollywood movie, “Full Moon.”

Long before Fox gave us the first X-Men movie, Chico Ejiro gave us “Full Moon,” a movie about a discount mutant named Lucy ( Regina Askia), who gets her powers from the full moon…because she was born under a full moon.

The movie’s opening scene is set at night and I can’t see anything because the lighting is poor as shit. I have to strain my eyes and go by sounds, and from what I can gather, a man named James and his heavily pregnant wife, Edna, are chilling in their mud house in the village when three men attack them. Edna sees James get overpowered and is like:

She jumps out of the window and tries to run but goes into stress-induced labour. Out of nowhere, a full moon that looks suspiciously like a torchlight held behind a white table cloth shows up and shines inappropriately bright rays on her as she’s screaming in pain.

Edna’s neighbour and sister-in-law, Julie (Dolly Unachukwu), hears her screaming and goes to see wetin dey sup. Julie finds Edna, kneels right next to her, and asks a very stupid question:

Girl, can’t you see she’s having a baby by herself in the middle of the bush??

Edna gives birth to a baby girl and dies, but not before she asks Julie to raise the child as her own. As soon as this happens, I’m like, “What kind of gbese is this??!” Julie is a better person that me sha because she agrees and takes the baby home to her husband, P.J (Sola Fosudo). They decide to keep her and name her Lucy. James’ brothers, Uncle (Pete Edochie), Tony (Peter Bruno), and Daniel (Kanayo O Kanayo), show up at P.J and Julie’s house to say they’ve heard the news of James and Edna’s deaths. When Julie says they should investigate (because they’re in positions of power in the village), Uncle says no. This is his reason:

And I’m like, “Negative attention from who?!”

It’s revealed after this that all the brothers jointly own an oil-rich plot of land in the village, which all of them, except James, want to sell. After James’ burial, the others sell the land to a white man and cash out. It’s also revealed that they orchestrated James’ murder so they could sell the land.

10 years later, Lucy is asleep in her room when the full moon shows face and is like:

How the moon was shining so bright in a room with no windows will forever be a mystery.

Lucy goes outside and this happens:

I take this to mean that her mutant powers have been activated, and I’m proven right in the next scene. Julie is bringing Lucy a plate of soup when she trips and falls. This causes Lucy to go into discount Jean Grey mode by suspending the plate of soup in the air, leaving Julie to fall flat on her ass.

Julie is fucking terrified so she does what old Nollywood mothers do when their child exhibits any strange behaviour. She takes Lucy for deliverance.

After the prayer, the pastor asks Lucy if she saw or felt anything during the prayer. Lucy says nothing but stares at him in a way that feels like she wants to say:

The pastor realises that there’s nothing he can do so he sends them home, convincing Julie that Lucy has been healed.

15 years later, P.J and Julie are now super rich and live in a big house that looks like it was decorated by a 53-year old Igbo man. On Lucy’s 25th birthday, they buy her a car, and she’s so excited, she ditches her birthday party to go on a joy ride with her friend. When they get back to Lucy’s house, they’re attacked at the gate by knife-wielding men who attempt to rape them in the middle of the street. At that moment, the full moon shows up and is like:

Then this happens:

The entire time the guy was being roasted, I was screaming, “Fuck him up, sis! UP FEMCO!!!”

We find out that Julie and P.J are having marital problems caused by P.J’s refusal to stop sexing up his secretary. When Julie confronts him, he says he’s eating hairy snails outside their home because she never had a child for him. When Julie says they have Lucy, P.J says:

What neither one of them knows is that Lucy is eavesdropping on their conversation.

After finding out she’s adopted, she demands to know who her real parents are and what happened to them. When she gets all the tea from Julie, she gets angry and kills Tony (one of the men who orchestrated her parents’ death) by zapping him out of existence!

Wanda Maximoff is SHAKING!

Lucy goes to Julie and says…

…and Julie convinces her that everything will be ok. But that’s not true. Because after that, someone starts trying to kill Lucy. The person locks her in the bathroom and pumps it full of smoke in an attempt to serve Nazi gas chamber realness. The next attempt happens when Lucy is driving down a lonely road at night and a bus blocks her car. Instead of her to reverse and drive in the other direction, she gets down from her car and starts running down the street.

Before Bryce Dallas Howard ran from a T-Rex in pump heels in “Jurassic World,” Regina Askia ran from a danfo in chunky heels in “Full Moon.”

Lucy goes to kill Greg, another one of her parents’ murderers, by turning him into chalk (?) I don’t know. Look at this:

After Greg’s death, the rest of the brothers realise that someone is picking them off one by one. So they go to a Babalawo dressed in the Nigerian flag and he reveals why they’re being killed and who’s doing it.

Lucy, who has no idea that her uncles now know she’s the killer, is chilling in her living room when gun men break into the house and kidnap her. She later finds out that P.J is behind the kidnapping, and when she calls him daddy, he’s like:

He reveals that he’s the one who’s been trying to kill her. He then orders the kidnappers to kill her and dump her body in a lagoon. However, the moon comes through for Lucy and she sets all of them on fire. P.J goes to a mysterious island to find out how he can successfully kill Lucy. On his way to see the “wise one,” he encounters the weirdest shit. Like a giant snake that was obviously cut out of a Nat Geo wild documentary:

And a cannibal forest tribe, who sacrifice a girl to their god: A giant brown chicken.

The wise one tells him that because he and his brothers brought this on themselves, they need

to ask for Lucy’s forgiveness. P.J hears this and promises to follow the wise one’s instructions but gets home and decides to shoot Lucy in the head instead.

Typical of a Nigerian parent. They’d rather die/commit murder than apologise to their kid.

He decides not to shoot because he doesn’t want her blood to mess up his expensive floors. Julie tries to intervene but he threatens to shoot her too. Julie knocks P.J over the head with a chair (WWE style) and she and Lucy run outside. P.J follows them and is about to shoot when the moon (who’s a fucking character and deus ex machina at this point) shows face again. Lucy harnesses the moon’s power and turns P.J into a pillar of salt.

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Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.