Life is hard, but life in Nigeria is harder. When we’re not out here fighting for our lives in the name of finding work-life balance, we’re dealing with prices that rise like garri while our salaries continue to unlook. So how does a Nigerian man make it in these streets? It’s time to start spending someone else’s money; it’s time to find a sugar mummy.
If you’re serious about joining me on this mission, these are some tried and trusted ways to find your true motherly queen before you’re too old to be a sugar baby.
Make sure you’re good in bed
If you’re still grunting after ten decent thrusts, this career may not be for you. Read this article on how to make a Nigerian girl fall in love with you instead because only women in love can tolerate one-round men.
Sugar mummies are paying you to lay pipe, so you better be the best goddamn pipe layer in your local government area. They’re not like sugar daddies that you’ll rub their head small, and they’ll lose guard.
Find rich friends
You see that guy in the club that does dorime with Azul every Friday? Yes, the one from a wealthy family. It’s time to kiss his bum bum with vim until he becomes your friend. Convince him to invite you into his home, and when no one notices, cut eye for his mother. Sugar mummy secured.
Start hunting on Facebook
Are you still looking for a sugar mummy on Twitter and Instagram? You’re clearly not a serious fellow. Facebook is where the real money is. Transfer all your thirst traps and gym pictures to Facebook and allow Mark Zuckerberg to handle the rest. You’ll be swimming in sugar mummy requests before you know it.
Pray about it
What God cannot do does not exist, and that’s on period. If you’re serious about landing a sugar mummy, you’d get on your knees right now and lift your eyes to the hills because prayer is the master key. Also, try to be active in church because that’s the only place you can find a God-fearing sugar mummy who won’t use you for rituals.
Use juju as backup
Are you using Glo or Etisalat and struggling to send a message to heaven? Don’t worry. Investing in a local babalawo as a backup plan is the way to go. Tie your red wrapper, drop that boiled yam and palm oil at the T-junction, collect your love potion and trap the sugar mummy of your choice in a groundnut bottle. Easy as ABC if you ask me.
Invest in trad and deadly ouds
You can’t keep dressing like an alté rapper with baggy trousers and think you’ll land a premium sugar mummy. These days, they want to be seen with men they can introduce as their assistants or business partners, so do the right thing and invest in trad. Package yourself. Also, cover yourself in the most masculine oud you can find, so your sugar mummy can smell you from a mile away.
Moonlight as a personal trainer or massage therapist
I don’t even have to say much about this one. The more packs you have, the more your chances of being sold on sugar mummy AliExpress.
Stop chasing small girls
You can’t be out here looking for a sugar mummy and chasing that hot babe from Instagram at the same time. My man, whoever said you could have it all clearly lied to you. Please, put all your eggs in the sugar mummy basket and focus.
Attend more funerals and weddings
You won’t find a sugar mummy in the club or South Socials, but best believe you’ll see them at weddings and burials. Anywhere you see two or more canopies, know there’s a high chance you’ll find a sugar mummy there. But make sure you go to events thrown by rich people, so you don’t end up with a sugar mummy who wants to soak garri with you.
Know one or two things about technology
Who’s going to help your sugar mummy update her WhatsApp? These are the important issues. Once you show one or two “mummies” that you know how to upgrade their iPhone ioS, it’ll be hard for them not to welcome you with open arms.
Start a business
Sugar mummy or not, women like men who are passionate about something, or at least pretend to be. Start a barbing salon or start selling bespoke trad, just make sure you have a business registered under your name, so you can look serious. How can your sugar mummy “support your business” if there’s no business in the first place?