You know how everyone is always crying about how Lagos men are wicked, serving breakfast up and down? Well, let’s introduce you to Abuja men and their shenanigans. Known for hobosexualism – the art of squatting with your sexual partner, these men are the real pandemic. But you know what? They’re actually hardworking as well. Here are some of the inspiring jobs they take on when they’re not eating all your food for free.
One of the most lucrative Abuja baby boy roles has to be the fitness trainer route. You see them all the time on Instagram and probably in every gym in town. These guys have like 18 packs and will take off their shirts faster than CBN can announce a new financial cock-blocking policy. During the day, they’re at the gym helping their clients learn the new booty building squat routine, and by night, you’ll be sure to either spot them at the latest clubs in shirts so tight they can barely breathe or in the bed of one of their clients doing plumber work.
Selling “bespoke” trad
Everyone who is anyone in Abuja has a clothing line at this point. What do you expect in a city where everyone dresses like they have a high-class wedding to attend? This is also another job you can take on while you live off your girlfriend. To do this well, you need to have a reliable tailor and a little bit of Instagram clout, so when you decide to sell one up and down for ₦80,000, no one will bat an eyelash. After all, it’s not really the trad they’re buying, it’s the aesthetics.
Running a barbing salon
Another lucrative scene in Abuja is the barbing salon industry and we don’t use the word “Industry” lightly. In Abuja, a haircut can go for as high as ₦5,000 depending on the location and general je ne sais quoi of the place. Some will cut your hair, rub your head small, and decide it’s enough reason to bleed your account dry. If you can convince a woman to let you live with her for free, then getting her to open a barbing salon for you shouldn’t be so hard.
This is the Abuja version of “I have containers on the high sea”. Unconfirmed statistics show that one in every six Abuja men has one or two contracts in the pipeline and that’s why they’ve mastered the art of drafting proposals. Literally, anyone can write you a business plan in Abuja. This is also one of the ways Abuja hobosexuals weasel their way into your bed and your Garki apartment. They’ll tell you one of their contracts is being processed and if you’re not jazzed up, you’ll enter one chance.
Thanks to social media and Keeping up with the Kardashians, it’s easy to make a life for yourself just by being internet famous these days. Tapping into this market, Abuja men can be influencers for any and everything from waist trainers and slimming tea to just strolling through restaurants with Lecrae’s Coming in hot playing in the background. All you need to excel at this is a fine face, nice outfits and a phone with a good camera. For extra followers, throw in some muscle ear and dear.
A lirru bit of gheigh
Landing a senator or minister in Abuja is not as easy as Abuja Connection made it look. While Clarion Chukwura and Eucharia Anunobi were battling it out for the tough men in the city, your competition here might just be the boyfriend you left at home. You’re not the only one who likes money, sis. And like the popular video says, “All of us na ashewo.” So please, keep that in mind.