So I asked a few people “What’s the most Yoruba father thing ever?” and this list shows the absolute best way to identify a Yoruba father.
1. He’s always shouting on the phone
No matter how personal the conversation is, they’ll shout at the top of their voices, and if you tell them to reduce their voices they’ll five you the meanest look ever.
2. He hoards the remote to “watch news”
They’ll collect the remote from you because they’re trying to watch network News and they’ll sleep off. But don’t even bother trying to be sleek and collect that remote. They’ll wake up and give you that same mean look.. Don’t try it.
3. He has 3 phones
Just so he can shout on more than one phone, he’ll buy three. And he’ll get about 10 different calls on each phone every hour.
4. He’ll never say “I love you too”
Bayo: I love you dad Daddy Bayo: Go and fetch me a cup of water
5. He’ll eat amala at lease once everyday
If he doesn’t eat amala at least once a day, something bad might happen to him. He must also have about 7 pieces of meat. A man has to be a man.
6. He’ll have a wardrobe full of native attires he never wears
Full, as per, full to the brim. And he’ll keep sewing new ones because somebody’s daughter is getting married, or because his friend’s 60th birthday party is coming up.
7. You’ll go on errands “tire”
Every Yoruba father has Acts of Service as their love language. Know this, and know peace.
I won’t even lie, Yoruba daddies are a mood. From the way they dress, to their cars, and the kind of parties they throw, it’s a vibe.
So, what do you need to start your journey to Yoruba daddy goodness?
Find out below:
1) Get Agbada.
Very important.
2) You need these shoes next.
Step two.
3) Add “my dear” to your vocabulary.
“My dear, koni baje baby.”
4) Follow it up by also adding “mummy wa” to your vocabulary.
Originally published four years ago in November 2015, The Complete Guide To Being A Yoruba Demon is a Zikoko classic that we’ve brought back due to popular demand.
Lagos big boy =/= Yoruba** Demon; But they do share some similarities. And contrary to popular opinion, anyone can be a Yoruba Demon.
**Yoruba: (adj) Yoruba, as used here, does not refer to the tribe. The Term ‘Yoruba’ describes a heartless, cheating, lying person. Usually male.
1. The White Trad.
If you don’t have a white trad – Agbada, Buba and Sokoto – starched with tears and broken hearts, you’re honestly not ready to undertake this journey.
2. The Black Trad.
Wear it. Look devastatingly hot in it. This is for the elite club of lucifer’s henchmen. The Black Trad is for the higher ranking Yoruba Demons.
3. A main phone…usually an iPhone.
Always the latest iPhone. I’ll explain the reason in coming numbers.
4. A supporting phone…Usually a Samsung Galaxy Mobile.
Also always the latest model. I swear there’s a reason why.
5. Dark shades.
Aviators or Ray Bans. These are to protect your eye movements. You can be talking to one girl and impregnating scoping like 4 others.
6. A Plush Ride…Toyota Camry and Above.
Now, Lagos Big Boys can just show off their car keys. That’s not enough for a Yoruba Demon. You have to have the actual car. Girls have to see you in that car. How else will you convince them that you can take care of them?
7. A main chic…an actual main girlfriend.
The girl you show to the world. This is the person whose number you store on the iPhone. The one you love and plan to marry. Almost always an Igbo* girl. She can match you heartlessness for heartlessness.
*Igbo: (adj) Igbo, as used here, does not refer to the tribe. The Term ‘Igbo’ describes a heartless – sometimes cheating – person. Usually female.
8. Like 23 Side Chics.
You populate the Samsung Galaxy contact list with these ones. They’re the ones you spend all your money on. But you never, EVER get photographed with them. That never ends well.
9. A sincere smile.
This is how you melt all girls’ hearts. When you smile, panties should drop, hearts should open, intestines should sing!
10. A lying tongue.
You cannot let them suspect you. You have to be a smooth operator. Lie circles around them. It’s your legacy.
11. A gaping hole where your heart should be.
See, this is the only way you can justify what comes next. You didn’t honestly think you could do this and remain human did you?
12. Roaming eyes.
Your eyes are constantly scouting for the next target. It’s a hard knock life, really.
13. A Cheating Spirit.
When you have no heart, a cheating spirit settles into where your heart should be. And you take your final place as a Yoruba Demon.
14. A string of broken hearts in your wake.
Break them! All of them. 10 broken hearts is nothing to a true Yoruba demon. Break them and walk way like a superstar!
15. A long line of willing hearts in your future.
As a Yoruba Demon, your work is never done. So you keep moving forward. Break more hearts and don’t look back.
You’re welcome.
Last, last sha, it’s you guys we will still marry.
For this to work, you have to pretend that you’re watching a cooking show with me as the host.
Hi. 👋
Welcome to the first episode of the weekly series named Grandpabbychuck’s Recipes. In this first (and probably last) episode, I’ll be teaching you about the ingredients you need to make Yoruba tomato stew, even though I’m equal parts Igbo, Benin, and 1/16 Hausa. (Don’t think too much about it.)
Let’s get a-cooking.
1) Pepper
A constant.
2) Tomato
Because your stew absolutely has to have tomatoes in it. To do otherwise would be insane, right?
RIGHT?!
3) Onions
For flavour. If you don’t cook with onions, your food is trash. And that’s that on that.
4) Pepper
5) Any dead animal of your choice.
Chicken, turkey, rabbit, horse, etc.
6) Pepper
7) Curry & Thyme
I’ve come to the conclusion that no one knows what these things do in food but we use them anyway because they make us feel fancy.
8) PEPPER
9) EVEN MORE:
Somewhere in Nigeria, a group of men are currently updating their list on how to beautifully ruin someone’s life with their charm.
As they are updating that list, they are finding new ways to end one relationship with someone else.
It could be you sis, or me. Actually maybe both of us.
But don’t worry, I cracked the code so we can end this nonsense once and for all.
So far, my investigation has shown the multiple ways a Yoruba Demon can break up with you.
Now you can protect yourself. And if you’re lucky enough to see any of these signs before the set time, just run!
The first thing I figured out is this: once you start hearing “it’s not you, it’s me”, please just agree, it’s him.
Just leave him and let him date himself.
According to the Book of Yoruba Demons chapter 7 vs 23, in some cases he actually loves you, but…
…you’re too good for him.
”Baby, my pastor called me after church and told me we have to end it. He said you’re not the one for me”.
But wait, Tobi you don’t even go to church.
Once he starts fighting over every little thing, that’s the beginning of the end.
“But why can’t you just fold the toilet roll when you finish using it? Ha!”
“Sorry, the number you’ve dialed does not exist, please check the number and dial again.”
Once you hear this more than 4 times, I’m sorry sis.
Or you try to DM him on Instagram and as soon as you open Instagram you see a picture of his new babe.
“No no no my eyes are deceiving me. I’ve actually needed glasses for a while now.”
Or in most cases you don’t even get the opportunity to see his babe, because he has blocked you.
At least what you don’t know won’t kill you.
While you’re still in doubt, you head over to his house and that gateman you used to give 50 naira everyday comes out and says…
…ha aunty, sorry o. Oga said I should not open the gate for you.
The grandmaster of all their break up strategies. I don’t know if you’re ready for this one.
“Please just say it, you’ve already started the damage anyway. What could be worse?”
He sends you a wedding invitation.
“She has fainted o! Sister wake up, wake up! Bring water o!”
If you’ve never experienced any of these, I hope you don’t.
And if you have, please tell us your experiences. Let’s be ready.
1. “Omo”
It means “child” in both Yoruba and Edo.
2. “Igbo/Ugbo”
“Igbo” is commonly said by Yoruba, but in some dialects, “Ugbo” is also used and it means the same thing in both Yoruba and Edo.
3. “Baba”
It means “Father” in both Yoruba and Edo.
4. “Oba”
It means “King” in Yoruba and it also means the same thing in Edo.
5. “Iye/Yeye”
The Yoruba might use “Yeye” more but the words mean the same thing in Yoruba and Edo; “Mother”.
6. “Unu/Enu”
Some Yoruba dialects switch the “u” for the “e” in “enu”, so it’s the same thing with Edo and it means, “Mouth”.
7. “Ogede/Oghede”
Apart from the slight different spellings, these words are pronouncd the same and mean the same; “Plantain/Banana”.
8. “Ibata/Bata”
If you can unlook the other ‘i’, this word is really the same thing in both Yoruba and Edo and it means, “Shoe”.
Despite the shade African traditional worship gets on the continent, many foreigners, especially African Americans, are extremely interested in traditional divination and deities. As a result of the unfortunate trans-atlantic slave trade, slaves were disconnected from their languages, culture, religions and ultimately, their identity.
Recently, a video of a young African -American woman, Siana aiti-Moirae, who wants to travel down to Nigeria to train to be an Ifa priestess, went viral.
Armed with a GoFundMe account and a lot of tears in her eyes, she appealed to viewers, sharing her thoughts on how Ifa is her purpose and calling in life.
Apparently, she believes her roots are Yoruba and wants to show everybody how Ifa represents blackness.
Perhaps her research omitted the fact that there are thousands of diverse African languages, tribes and spiritual practices that also represent blackness.
While we’re wishing her all the best in her expedition and hope she actually reads on Africa while at it, watch the video below and share your thoughts on this in the comments section.
Despite the depth and importance of our ancestry, African deities are sadly, still viewed through post colonial lenses as primitive and satanic. It’s however uncanny to note that Yoruba deities especially are even more appreciated overseas than right here at home.
Case in point, Beyonce’s repeated reference to Sun through out her visual album, Lemonade.
Be that as it may, Nigerians familiar with the superhero comic universe can relate Marvel’s Thor to Sango, the badass Yoruba got of thunder.
Sango would have taken Thor’s place in the avengers. But it’s not today visa started being a problem.
How Nigerians have been DC and marvel to include Yoruba Orishas into their comic universes.
Doing it for the culture, in 2016, talented Brazilian artist, Hugo Canuto, reimagined The Avengers as Yoruba gods, The Orixas, and his depiction is absolute perfection!
And Antman is none other than Ossain (Osanyin), the god of the the forest and healing.
He created this spin-off titled, ‘Tales of Orun Aiye’ mixing Portuguese and English throughout, to celebrate African culture and its influence on his Brazilian roots and religion.
After setting up a crowdfunding campaign, Hugo plans to use the proceeds to publish at least 2 comic books this year.
We hope to see more of this brilliant work, especially African artists real soon!
Nigerian OAPs are just the best because they perfectly serve orisirisi accents all the time!
But if you’ve never listened to an indigenous radio station, we don’t know for you again o!
Nigerian Instagram user, Favoured Jerry, brought back typical Yoruba radio stations in his video skits.
