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  • 7 Relationship People on the Dumbest Things They’ve Done for Love

    We got seven relationship people to share the dumbest things they’ve done for love and their stories are the only proof you need to confirm that truly, “Na mumu dey fall in love.”

    But February is the only month in the year when we don’t judge people who have been, and are still, a fool for love.

    Funmi*, 30

    I went to undo my locs within 24 hours of getting it done because my guy at the time didn’t like it. My locs should be six years old now, but because of that stupid boy — whom I later found out had a series of ongoing relationships inside our relationship — they are now only three years old.

    Dotun*, 28

    I bought a dinner dress for my girlfriend with part of my school fees. Then I gave her my brand new phone and lied to my brother that it was stolen with my school fees. He gave me all his salary for the month and still got a new phone for me.  She was my second girlfriend, and I intended to marry her three years after school. That never happened.

    Feyi*,  31

    Because of love, I travelled from Porto Novo (the Capital of the Benin Republic) to Ile-Ife at about 5 p.m. We got to the Sagamu interchange at about 10 p.m., and there was an ongoing armed robbery on the road. Nobody knew I was in Nigeria. My parents thought I was in Porto Novo… na me still end the relationship las las.

    [ad]

    Barakat*, 28

    I borrowed ₦200k through a loan app for a guy I was dating. It ended in breakfast, and I never got my money back from him. It took me four months to repay the debt, and we had even stopped talking before I could complete it.

    Damola*, 33

    I travelled to Lagos from Ekiti to visit my man, but I didn’t get to see him until after three days. I was all alone in his house. When he finally came, he started ordering me around, and I obeyed every command. I cooked, cleaned, warmed water for his bath, and then he went out, saying he might not return that day. At no point did he ask how I was or how the trip to Lagos was. I always feel like slapping myself anytime I remember letting a man treat me like that.

    Fisayo*, 24

    I came to Lagos from Ife to visit a boy without informing my parents that I was back in town. My uncle saw me, but he wasn’t sure it was me after I denied him. He dialled my number on the spot, but thankfully, my phone wasn’t with me. I was holding a phone, so that was enough to convince him I was someone else. He went on and on about how God created people in twos. 

    John*, 48

    I left Lagos for Osogbo on a Friday evening after work to pay my girlfriend a surprise visit at her school. Got there and met another dude in her hostel room. From the looks of it, they were cohabiting and were an item. She said he was her cousin who was squatting till he got his own hostel apartment, but it was an obvious lie. We all slept on the same bed together, and I left the next morning feeling like a grade 1 mumu man.

    If you relate to this, you should read this story: 7 Things You Need if You Ever Want To Find True Love in Lagos

  • We don’t talk about this often, but one of the things that make relationships stressful is running out of things to say to your partner. When you speak to a particular person every day for many hours, there’s the tendency that you may run out of things to say. It’s even worse if you live together. 

    When that happens, this is what to do: 

    Talk about Mercury retrograde, and when it’s coming back

    Mercury is constantly moving around. If you’re looking for what to talk about, ask your partner when you think it’s coming back. And why it can’t seem to stay in one place. 

    Ask them what would happen if you became a cockroach 

    See, it’s essential to know these things before you turn into a cockroach one day and they dump you. Bring it up now and find out if the love is real. 

    Don’t talk 

    Just enjoy the silence. They say if you can’t sit with your partner in silence, the relationship won’t last (I don’t know who said it, don’t ask me). If you’ve run out of things to say to each other, just don’t talk for a few days. 

    ALSO READ: Is It Love If You Don’t Talk to Your Partner Every Day?

    Ghost 

    If you and your partner no longer have things to discuss, the relationship has expired; the battery has died. Ghost them and move on to the next one. There’s no time to waste time, please. 

    Ask for the password to their phone 

    This is a very interesting conversation starter. Because the next thing they’ll likely say after you ask is, “Why?” And that’s how argument will start. Except you have a normal trusting relationship where your partner has nothing to hide. Then you’re back to not having anything to talk about. 

    Take Zikoko quizzes together 

    In fact, this should have been number one because so many conversations can arise from taking Zikoko quizzes. Imagine taking a quiz about who cheats in the relationship. That’s bound to start an exciting discussion. 

    QUIZ: How Often Do You Cheat In Relationships?

    Ask them if they’ve eaten

    Apparently, “Have you eaten?” is a steady conversation saver. It’s the second to the last thing you bring up before you start talking about the weather. 

    Talk about other people’s relationships 

    If there’s one thing that brings friends and couples together, it’s gossip. Talk about other couples and maybe include how their relationship isn’t as good as yours. That may not be true, but at least it has gotten you and your partner talking. 

    ALSO READ:  The 9 Things We Don’t Like About Being in Relationships

  • We know parents judge their children’s partners on the first meeting. We’re not trying to cause fights, but shouldn’t these partners get to judge their in-laws too? We asked seven people to tell us the first impression they had when they met their partner’s parents, and the responses were chaotic.

    Folake, female

    I was in my “party animal” phase when I first got introduced to my current mother-in-law. I could swear I’d seen her at one of the clubs I used to go to, but apparently, she’s a pastor so it wasn’t really adding up. I never said anything about it, but there was this air of awkwardness during that first meeting. Till today, I don’t know if my hunch was right or if too much alcohol was making me overthink things.

    David, male

    My father-in-law had once tried to trigger the release clause of my ex. Man kept asking her out on a date, and was sending her money to help her “think about it” . I know because she told me about it at the time. The man doesn’t know I have his gist sha. When we met, he asked me what my intentions were for his daughter. In my head, I thought “Sir, let’s not rain curses upon ourselves”. 

    Jeremiah, male

    Her family was so chilled. In fact, too chilled; I felt like Daniel Kaluuya in the first part of Get Out. I was legit worried something was going to happen and my family would have to run a GoFundMe campaign to search for me. It was later I softened up to the whole thing and realised I was just used to hard life.

    Ibrahim, male

    I met my girlfriend’s parents at a party. To be honest, I thought her mum was my girlfriend’s older sister. She looked really hot and was already entering my eye. I got snapped back to reality when I saw my girlfriend go to hug her and call her mummy.

    RELATED: The Zikoko Guide To Being The Perfect Nigerian Son-in-Law

    Jola, female

    My father-in-law had actually asked me out a few years back. It was funny in my head because I wasn’t sure if he remembered me or not. But he acted like he was meeting me for the first time. I did the same too sha before my relationship unfolds like a Yoruba movie plot.

    Naomi, female

    I thought my mother-in-law was evil because of the way she kept smiling at me. It creeped me out so I started smiling back. Let’s creep each other out, Ma. I’m not going anywhere.

    Zaynab, female

    My partner’s parents were really cool. My father-in-law was watching a football match the day we went to visit. It turned out he was a Chelsea fan like me, and we literally just connected over that. Nobody else in their house watches football, not even my husband. So, for him, it was like, “Ope o! I’ve finally found a gist partner”. My mother-in-law was super nice. She even refused when I tried to help her cook. She looked genuinely confused that I wanted to help out.

    NEXT READ: 11 Behaviours Of A Nigerian In-Law That Will Show You Pepper

  • Maybe you’re supposed to meet the love of your life on the scary streets of the internet. If that’s you, you need to know how to hit them up online because, in this life, fortune favours the brave. 

    We spoke to seven Nigerians about the wildest online dating conversation starters they’ve seen to give you a sense of what you should and shouldn’t do.

    hit them up online

    Jane, 27

    I posted a picture on my Instagram story about people with compatible genotypes marrying each other. The next thing I know, this guy slid into my DMs and said, “My name is Ibraheem, and I’m AA”. I was confused at first, but then, he sent me the picture I put on my story. I actually laughed at it, and we started talking from there. Nothing romantic came out of it in the end sha, but we’re still good friends.

    Omotola, 25

    I get a lot of message requests on Instagram. The funniest I’ve seen to date was from a man who simply wrote, ‘Which bank?’ Obviously, I like money so I replied his message. I didn’t collect money from him, but that line was enough to get me interested. Everything scattered when I later found out he was married with two kids.

    Dayo, 31

    I started talking to my current girlfriend after she shaded Chelsea on Instagram when they lost a match. I thought it was a man because the shade was in pidgin. I was going to unleash frustration on the person when I checked the profile and saw it was a fine woman.

    I responded with a laughing emoji, and we hit it off from there. It was a lot of football banter at first, but then, our conversations grew deeper, till we decided to go on a date together.

    Diana, 29

    I was on my own when this man came into my DMs on Twitter with this line: “Word on the street is that you’re my girlfriend. Let’s not disappoint them. Let’s give them what they want?” To be honest, I was more shocked at the audacity than I was confused. 

    I laughed and told him he should go back and tell them to stop saying rubbish. He said he’s not going anywhere. More audacity. I sha surrendered, and we started talking. Soon, I was laughing away my WhatsApp phone number.

    Lolade, 24

    Someone once used a bible verse to slide into my DM. It was hilarious because I was a very religious person at the time. He literally said, “Hi, Genesis 2:24. I’ve only come to fulfill God’s wishes”. Immediately I saw the message, I started laughing out loud. As a sharp babe, I replied him with, “Father, let thy will be done”. We really hit it off and were dating after a month or so. He eventually served me breakfast, but I enjoyed the relationship sha.

    Tolu, 28

    The wildest episode for me was when someone liked my pictures on Instagram and followed me. Naturally, I was expecting him to send me a text, and he did. I was already eyeing him because I liked what I saw on his page. 

    We got to talking, and he started complimenting me with sweet words. At one point, I asked him to tell me more about himself. His response was, “I’m a doctor. I really love watching football, and I have two kids”. What blew my mind was he went on to ask me when we could go on a date. My guy snuck in the kids part like he was talking about chocolate.

    Emmanuel, 28

    I think this lady had watched all these ridiculous videos online on different pickup lines to use. Because why would she come to my DM and be saying, “Are you Okro? Because you draw me closer to you?” I wasn’t even in the mood for rubbish. I just replied the message with “Who be this one?” Then she sent, “Hi, my name is Tolu”. It’s been almost a year and I’ve still not opened that message till today.

    NEXT READ: Top Dating Sites in Nigeria

  • Do you call their name three times and blow dusting powder at their pictures, or do you stalk their entire family tree instead of just talking to them? Whichever one it is, we know how you shoot your shot.

    Take this quiz and see for yourself.

  • Who’s that one ex you’d date again in another universe? The one that got away or the one you’re besties with now??

    Take this quiz and we’ll guess which of your exes is your favourite.

  • As told to Steffi O.

    How the journey to debt began

    I would’ve never believed that at 21 I’d find my first love and be in the middle of crawling my way out of a debt of ₦7.9 million. But that was me in 2019; broke, failing at school and deeply in love.

    It all started when I got into university in 2014. I was 16 and studying a course I didn’t plan to. I didn’t want to be home for an extra year, so I decided to go in but focus on starting some kind of business. I read a lot of marketing and psychology books hoping to learn a few things about money. The main hurdle was raising the actual funds to begin. 

    RELATED: 8 Actions to Take When They Refuse to Increase Your Salary

    I didn’t want to ask my parents for help. They were giving me ₦20k every month, and I wanted to find a way to make it work. It helped that items like sardine weren’t priced like gold at the time. Then, there were a few months of getting free food from at least one girl every day. But that lover boy phase crashed when I had two women wanting a lot more than the occasional make-out after a meal.

    I was a church boy who’d never had sex. I just had a fine face and a deep voice. When it came down to offing pant, I was a clueless guy. So I fled.

    RELATED: Nigerian Men on the Times They Went Crazy for Food

    Getting into forex trading and slowly digging myself into a rabbit hole

    By my second year, my GP completely tanked. I was struggling with a second-class lower grade, and honestly, I was more interested in figuring out forex. I’d gotten into social media marketing and made some money after managing my church’s account. The little money I’d saved up from that and my allowance was decent enough to start trading forex with. 

    The exchange rate wasn’t bad. I earned $150 in four months from the initial ₦100k I put in. Compounding the interest took it to $1000 by the end of the year. I made enough money to rent an apartment close to uni by 2015. In my mind, I’d struck gold.

    The next year, I wanted to expand my capital by getting more people to invest. I had a friend who’d also been trading, so it made sense to work as partners to raise the cash. On a good day, we could both make at least 50% of our capital back. In a month, that stretched into 300% of whatever we put in to trade at the beginning of the month. But the illusion that we were making big money led us down a rabbit hole.

    RELATED: 8 Ways Money Habits Change For Nigerian Men at Ages 21, 25, and 30

    Expanding the business and doubling profits

    In our 19-year-old minds, we’d unlocked something major. We were sure we could get people to invest and guarantee a profit of 120% per year. Compared to bank rates, it was like striking a pot of gold. 

    In 10 weeks, we raised ₦4.7 million from 12 people. I got my dad to put in some money, and some clients from my social media management gigs. The rookie mistake? Thinking that more money meant more profit in such a volatile system. 

    At first, I was trading $50 a day to make 50% back. But with more money, I was putting in at least $1000 a day with a higher risk of losing money on a bad market day. I was doing that with too little time to recuperate because of the ridiculous profit margin I promised people. I practically built my own death trap.

    RELATED: “A Bit Of Luck and A Whole Lot Of Work” – Tips From A Master Forex Trader

    But things were going well before I caught on. In a little over a year, we made about ₦11 million and sorted out our investors with a million to spare. A couple of people wanted us to keep their capital and roll it over for the next year. 

    I decided to diversify the money into starting a logistics business while we traded on the side. I did a bit of angel investing in small start-ups and bargained for a profit. Life was pretty good in 2018.

    We had more people join the investment plan and that took the initial capital from ₦4.7 to ₦7.9 million. With everything going on, in my 20-year-old mind, I was balling. I’d even gotten into a relationship. But she was more of a trophy girlfriend because I’d call like once in three days. I felt the money was good enough to keep her happy. 

    RELATED: How To Make Money Online In Nigeria

    From grace to the absolute ghetto

    In a flash, 2018 moved from my best year to a nightmare. First, I found out my girlfriend had been cheating on me with one of my closest friends. Over the next six months, profits drastically dropped on forex. The logistics business was holding up until the biker had an accident and wrecked our bike. I didn’t even know where to start.

    The biggest blow was realising my partner had been gambling with the money. It made sense because every time our monthly profits dropped, he would have an excuse for why he couldn’t show me the books. And I was taking the lamba for six months. Eventually, he owned up to putting the money up for bets, hoping to make double for himself.

    That’s how I saw myself losing out on all the profit I’d anticipated. No business, my first serving of breakfast and a debt of ₦7.9 million to crawl my way out of.

    RELATED: The #Nairalife Of Crippling Debt

    Cutting my losses

    In 2019, I had to cut back on my big boy spending. I packed my bags back to my family’s house. My grades were completely messed up, so let’s not even talk about school. 

    All I had in savings was $1000. And since I’d personally brought in all the investors, I had to ask for a year to figure out how to pay back their capital. Everything was on me. At that point, I wasn’t even going to class anymore. I just wanted to write my exams and leave school. 

    RELATED: We Asked 5 Nigerian Students How They Dealt With Failing A Course

    My whole world was practically crumbling, with my integrity on the line. I didn’t want to make the money back through forex because I was traumatised by everything that had already gone down. The only thing I could do was ask my aunt for a job at a firm. But with those earnings, I was looking at paying them back in three years. I felt trapped.

    Then, in September, I met her.

    RELATED: “You Don’t Need a Lot of Money” — 7 Nigerian Men on the Cost of Finding Love

    In debt and in love

    Look, I knew I couldn’t be thinking about love at that point. But I can’t explain why I wanted to get close to her when we met at my faculty. I just did. I played it safe because I didn’t know how to handle being so broke and trying to get with a babe.

    The first thing I did was focus on being her friend. She was smart and probably top of her class. I on the other hand was praying I’d get to graduate and survive what I was going through. But when I finally got her number in December, I probably spoke to her every single day. She made everything better. The long days weren’t as overwhelming and she knew how to get me talking for a long time.

    RELATED: 5 Nigerians On How They Navigate Money In Their Relationships

    Broke and being a better lover

    The truth is, being so broke made me a better lover. In my previous relationship, I could afford a fancy date that I felt made up for my weeks of absence. But this time, it was down to who I was as a person. It was a lot of work, but with this girl, I didn’t have a choice.

    One thing’s for sure, I thank God for Chicken Republic in my life because that’s where I took her on what we could call our first date. To spice things up, I’d switch between places I could spend ₦5k at the most. And on the days I couldn’t afford anything, I’d cook for her — yes, she survived. 

    RELATED: 5 Dates For 5k: Ideas That Don’t Break The Bank

    Maybe that’s the simplicity of university love. Being broke and in love wasn’t impossible if I could balance it out with being present for her.

    The issue with this Nollywood spin-off of love in the trenches is I wasn’t willing to commit to the boyfriend tag. I knew she liked me. I mean, who sees a guy flying a bike to almost every date location and sticks around? I just couldn’t imagine dating someone as amazing as her without being able to take her to fast-food chain restaurants. I was too proud, and I knew at some point, she’d want more than I could offer.

    RELATED: 12 Signs A Woman Is Dating You Just For Your Money

    Our first kiss and miss

    I hadn’t told her I was in debt and flunking out of school at this point. But after our first kiss, I decided it was time to own up. It had been four weeks of seeing each other non-stop already. But before I could lay it all on the table, she cut in with the biggest blow I’d gotten in a while. It turned out that all the while we were together, this babe was in a relationship. And she was coming clean because of our kiss too.

    I’d never been so torn on what to do. But I didn’t want to give my emotions away. I think the dumbest part was that I didn’t actually care she had a boyfriend. Where was he in the last month of us seeing every day? Clearly, she was over the guy.

    RELATED: 7 Money Habits Of Nigerians You Should Never Date

    I gave her some space to figure things out. And I took the break to crawl my way out of half the money I owed. I was aggressively trading crypto and went ham on freelancing for the whole year. Nothing else mattered at that point. I was 21, barely making any money for myself and felt trapped in my life. If I could get a grip, then her boyfriend didn’t matter.

    By the end of 2020, her relationship ended. I wasn’t even applying pressure. Everything just scattered on its own. But I wanted to give her time to heal before jumping in to ask her out. I offered to drop her off at the airport when she needed to travel. I called occasionally but we texted almost every day. I didn’t give her too much space so she’d know I was serious about her.

    At this point, I owed my last ₦150k. And I told her about the debt. She didn’t seem unsettled by it, but we talked about how much the next year of my life would be focused on recovering from the loss.

    RELATED: Two Breadwinners, Two Incomes, One Dating Couple

    The uncertainty of loving in your 20s

    Honestly, I’m happy I found this woman at the lowest point of my 20s. I don’t know if she’d had any doubts along the way, but being able to gather the  ₦7.9 million in three years makes me trust that I can figure things out and make a life for us. 

    I can’t deny that it’s been easy because she’s out of school, and I’m taking one last course to wrap things up. She’s even off for her Master’s soon. It’s been nine months of officially dating and we’ve found some sort of balance. Of course, money is still an integral part of creating memories. But we’re also the type of people who are happy strolling down the crazy streets of Lagos to find perfectly fried yam and akara to pair with a wacky Youtube video.

    Can our love stand the test of being in very different phases of life? I’m only 23, so I’m mostly hoping. The only thing I know for now is that I found love when I didn’t think I was worth loving.

    ALSO READ: What’s Dating Like in Abuja on a ₦180k Monthly Salary?

  • Office romance is a thing in every workplace, whether HR likes it or not. It’s very normal to have one or three office crushes. But when the person you like is your boss, that’s a whole different conversation.

    Just in case you’re not sure, these are the signs that you’re in love with your boss.

    You’re always excited to be at work 

    When other people are grumbling and complaining about having to be at work, you’re excited. Only you will be smiling on a Monday morning at the office, and it’s definitely not because you love your job. 

    You’re always the first to arrive 

    Work resumes at 9 a.m., but you’re there by 6:30. What time do you even wake up? When do you leave the house? You’ll tell your colleagues it’s because you’re trying to avoid rush-hour traffic, but you and I know the actual truth. 

    You find yourself doing things outside of your job description 

    You’re in HR but doing sales work because your boss needs someone to attend to a client immediately, and for some reason, you thought you were that person. Better go back to facing the staff you’re supposed to be taking care of. 

    RELATED: All The Things That Happen When Your Girlfriend Is Your Boss

    You don’t mind working on weekends 

    Once it’s Friday, you’re sad because you have to spend two days away from your crush, and you’re not sure you can survive that. Working during the weekends isn’t a problem for you as long as your boss is also there.

    You almost die when you get compliments from your boss 

    Small “Well done, Samuel. You did a good job,” your chest is beating fast, and you’re smiling from one end of your face to the other. You’re very close to calling your family and friends to tell them what happened as if you just won an award. 

    Nothing is better than having them come over to explain things to you

    You didn’t really need help with how to create a folder on Google Docs. But anything to get your boss to come over and speak with you.

    Salary isn’t your favourite thing about work 

    Getting paid your salary isn’t the major thing you look forward to. Neither is it the work culture of the place. If they ask you, you’d say it’s the people at work. To be specific, one particular person, the person who pays your salary. 

    You laugh a little louder at your boss’s jokes 

    The joke they made wasn’t that funny. Even your boss is finding it weird that you’re laughing so much. Your thirst is showing, relax.

    You spend a lot more time getting ready for work

    It’s not because you genuinely care about your appearance or you’re trying to look good to feel good. You decide to get a nicer haircut or wear the longer bone straight because you’re hoping a certain someone will notice you at work. 

    What to do now that you’ve realised you’re in love with your boss:

    Give yourself a dirty slap

    That slap is to reset factory settings. You’ve clearly lost focus as to the reason why you’re working.

    Resign 

    If you truly cannot get over your oga, then resign. Because, whether you like it or not, nothing can happen between you and your boss. You can’t have any other relationship with them aside from a professional one (for many many reasons). So just do yourself a favour and leave that place. 

    ALSO READ: 9 Unmissable Signs That Your Nigerian Boss Is Clueless

  • First dates can be super awkward. You’ve probably built a rapport with your date online, but now that they’re in front of you, it’s raining crickets. What happens when the list of things you rehearsed to say have been exhausted?

    What you need then will be activities. The following should work like a charm.

    1. Pick your nose

    Your date does it too, don’t be shy.

    2. Paint your nails

    By the time you’re done with all ten fingers, you’d have thought of something punchy to say.

    3. Order something you can lick or suck

    Think ice cream, soup with periwinkles in it, banana or draw soup. Anything that can demonstrate your err…skills.

    4. Spread mat and sleep

    If the words are not coming, don’t force it. When you sleep and wake up, your date would have taken their leave so you won’t have to talk. Problem solved.

    5. Break plate on their head

    Especially if they turned out to be totally different from what they projected online.

    6. Make out

    When words fail, let lips do the talking, mixed with saliva here and there.

    7. Stare into their eyes

    You’ve talked enough. Now, it’s time to let silence reign. While you look into their eyes, remember to watch out for traces of wickedness.

    Better still, you can sit in your house and avoid going on the said date instead of stressing over what to say laidis.