Quizzes

Stacks

Shows

Podcasts

Newsletters

Naira Life

Love Life

Hustleprint

Love Currency

Sunken Ships

What She Said

My Bro

So You Don’t Have To

Interview With…

Zikoko Memes

Jollof Road

Cholera Outbreak Update

Follow our socials

  • No matter what part of Nigeria you went to boarding school, we are pretty sure your dining hall served at least half of these meals.

    Yam and Eggs

    Yam and eggs were usually served on Saturday or Sunday morning. Remember how sharing the egg used to cause fight? Or how the bowl or cooler would be half filled with eggs and half filled with oil? Then they’ll now serve it with one large slice of yam.

    Garri and moin moin

    If you didn’t carry extra sugar for your garri from your dorm then you weren’t ready for life. And why was the moin-moin always so small? Did anybody else steal extra moin-moin to go and eat in their dorms later?

    Jollof rice and chicken.

    Jollof rice and chicken was usually served on Sunday afternoons. Remember how they used to only serve the most miserable parts of the chicken then when there is a special occasion like school anniversary the chicken will miraculously become bigger and spicier. Some schools had Jollof rice and meat instead, then chicken for the special occasions.

    Spaghetti and fish stew or noodles

    Why did anyone ever think it was a good idea to serve spaghetti or noodles in Nigerian boarding schools? If you went for your meal early and got lucky then it’ll be hot and nice but most of the time the spaghetti or noodles will be cold and clumped together. When it’s not garri cake.

    Akara and ogi

    Immediately after having this on Saturday or Sunday morning if you didn’t take a long nap then you are not a human being. The days the ogi was watery were the worst.

    White rice and stew

    This was every boarding school’s favourite weekday lunch. If it wasn’t white rice, stew and meat then it was white rice, stew and fish.

    Eba and egusi

    The eba will now be stone cold and the egusi will be watery. If you didn’t get served egusi you got served some kind of strange vegetable soup.

    Bread and stew

    Remember how the stew was supposed to be fish stew but you won’t see any fish you’d only be tasting the fish in the stew. If you were lucky you’ll see one small chunk of fish.

    Yam porridge

    I don’t know why they used to bother to call it porridge, it was just yam and palm oil garnished with very little vegetable. At least we hope it was vegetable they were using.

    Bread and eggs

    The bread and egg struggle was too real if you were unlucky you’ll only get the oil at the bottom of the bowl instead of egg. Sometimes instead of fried egg, they’d serve one cold boiled egg.

    We know the food struggle was real but who else misses boarding school?

    We know we do.

  • When you calculate how much you spend buying food in a month just because you don’t want to cook

    I don’t believe my eyes

    This is how you struggle to eat indomie for the tenth night in a row

    God deliver me from this affliction

    How you show up at your friend’s house who likes to cook every weekend

    Surprise! It’s me again, what’s for lunch?

    Everyone at the food place near your house knows your name, surname and birthday

    Customer!!!

    You parent’s are tired of you showing up every weekend to beg for homemade food

    There’s just nothing like your mum’s jollof rice

    This is you on the rare occasion that you have to cook

    Why do bad things happen to good people

    And it’s not as if you don’t know how to cook o you just don’t understand why it has to be so stressful

    The stress

    You’ve not refilled your gas cooker in 3 years because the only thing you use it to cook is indomie

    At least you are saving money there

    How you feel when you get into a relationship with someone who loves to cook

    The Lord is good

    You’ll rather soak garri for breakfast, lunch and dinner than enter the kitchen to cook

    Garri never killed anybody

    How you feel when you manage to boil rice once a month

    Nobody talk to me, please

    This is what your fridge always looks like

    You don’t even have stew

    When your friends come over and ask you what you have to offer

    Will you like indomie or indomie?

    While you don’t like to cook we know you love to eat. So how do you feel about jollof rice?

  • Nigerian weddings are the best from the small chops to the outfits to the music, what’s not to love? Well, these ten things.

    You’ll spend 4 hours in Lagos traffic trying to get to a wedding, you get there and they tell you food has finished.

    Better bring out the small chops if you don’t want me to show my true colours

    When your primary school friend’s sister’s cousin brings a bill for Aso-Ebi for her wedding

    Where do I know you from, please?

    When you get a wedding invitation for yet another Saturday you wanted to spend in your bed

    Must you people marry sef?

    When your friend brings the Aso-Ebi bill and it’s almost the same amount as your monthly salary

    Are you trying to send me to an early grave

    When after buying 50k Aso-Ebi the person serving small chops tries to walk past you

    Do you think I’m here to play?  Abi you thought the Aso-Ebi was free?

    When they tell you that the wedding is strictly by invitation so you stroll in at 4 expecting to find a seat

    It’s first come first serve my brother

    How the bouncers block you if you make the mistake of coming without your invitation

    Ahan it’s wedding now not Escape

    When they tell you it’s a destination wedding after you’ve paid for the Aso-Ebi

    Did I tell you I have money to go to Enugu, you want me to follow you to Seychelles??!!

    When the couple tells you it’s just a small wedding so you keep it simple only for you to get to the wedding and it’s bigger than OLIC

    So you people’s plan was to disgrace me

    After buying Aso-Ebi and the souvenir doesn’t get to you

    You people had better go and bring out my own bucket

    While we are on the topic of weddings, do you think bride price is necessary?

  • The Internet went crazy for Harry and Meghan

    The royal wedding has been one of the most talked about events this year.  Not only was it just a Royal Wedding, it was Meghan Markle’s, a black woman’s wedding!
    And while the wedding was cute and all that, one thing everyone was probably asking was this; what would this wedding have looked like if it was a Nigerian one? Like, is there even a wedding if there’s no pre-wedding photoshoot?

    Just look at Meghan and Harry.

    Exhibit A: Man and woman in love, tenderly touch each other as they pose for the photo

    Now, look at our own.

    Exhibit B: Man and woman strike pose clearly illustrating what they intend to spend a lot of their time doing.

    What about bridesmaids?

    Look at this lineup. Is it really a bridal train if it can’t fill up one stadium? And can you see the colours?

    How are we not seeing people slaying in Agbada?

    Imagine all the pictures we saw of guests were Aso Ebi pictures? Just imagine Ebuka and David Beckham dragging for who rocked the Agbada better.

    How can we forget about The Unshakeable Table

    What is a Nigerian wedding without an Almighty table? The table that has all the drinks, food and small chops. Imagine Queen Elizabeth with one big bowl of Jollof Rice.

    And the bride kneeling down to greet everyone.

    Imagine Meghan walking past her mother-in-law, smiling or waving? That marriage? Cancelled.

    Everlasting photo sessions.

    Picture of couple with parents, picture of couple with ex boyfriend , picture of couple with enemies, picture of couple with dog, picture of couple with celebs, picture of couple with photographer, picture of couple with you….

    It’s My Turn.

    The main bridesmaid duty for meghan’s friends will be to meet Prince Harrys friends, because that type of blessing has to be distributed

    And who’s going to perform?

    This will be the event where wizkid and Davido finally drop a song together!

    And when it is time for marital advice?

    “and as I round up, sister Meghan, I want you to know that if your husband wants you to lick the ground you have no choice but to do it! He’s the head of the home.”

    And most importantly, an abundance of Jollof Rice.

    That everyone will still fight for because we need to keep some in the Fridge.

  • 1. When your parents start looking for your wedding venue the minute you start walking.

     Can you just let me suck breast first? 

    2. When they buy toy car for your brother but buy you kitchen set.

    I didn’t come to this life to cook plis

    3. When they are sharing chores, this is your list while your brother’s list only has wash car on it.

    4. This is the summary of the sex talk your mum gave you when you started your period

    Just like that.

    5. You can’t make any small mistake in your parents’ house without hearing is this how you’ll do it in your husband’s house.

    Small mistake o

    6. How your parents reacted when your brother managed to make noodles for the first time.

    And it wasn’t even sweet sef

    7. How they react when you make Jollof Rice, Asun, Fried Chicken but forget to fry Plantain to add

    That’s how you’ll go and disgrace us in your husband’s house

    8. How your parents reacted when your brother brought home a female friend

    YOU’RE THE TRUE SON OF YOUR FATHER.

    9. How they reacted the first time a boy just used side eye to look at you

    If I see that boy again.

    10. Once your mum noticed you were growing breasts these are the kind of clothes she started buying for you

    You won’t disgrace me.

    11. Meanwhile at school all the boys forgot where your eyes were located

    Abi do you want Amadioha to punish you?

    12. Going to buy bread down the street and before you even lock your gate one Emeka has come to profess his love to you.

    I’m not interested please.

    13. When a guy who was just toasting you starts abusing because you said you weren’t interested

    So confused.

    14. When you hear that a boy in school is telling everyone you slept with him because you shook his hand one time

    But how?

    15. When your parents spent your entire childhood chasing you away from boys now they’re asking you for husband.

    As if they sell husband in the market.

    16. When your parents’ reply to anything you do is ‘But when will you marry?’

    Matriculation? When will you marry Graduation? When will you marry? NYSC?  When will you marry? It never really ends, does it?

    17. Ever had the sex talk with your Nigerian parents? This is probably how it went.

  • Since the beginning of time, Nigerian Jollof has been in competition with Ghanaian Jollof.

    The battle has always been fierce. Keenly contested. But Nigerian jollof always comes out victorious.

    Ah mean, of course.

    So it was shocking.

    Ah mean, confusing.

    Even sacrilegious sef.

    When this person went to go and compare Nigerian jollof with Liberian jollof:

    https://twitter.com/ForeverQueena/status/867127491789541377

    Like…

    Ex-cuuuse me????

    And of course, the thing was also confusing many people:

    https://twitter.com/OlaamideA/status/867627604458733568
    https://twitter.com/taddiepayne/status/867800249640898562

    Like, when did Liberian jollof even enter the battle?

    So of course, trust Nigerians not to take this slant sitting down.

    This is SPAR…sorry, this is NIGERIA!

    Naija for the win! What you talking about?

    Nigerian jollof has gone Double Plat’num baby!

    Wee you put some respek on that jollof!

    When will the rest of Africa learn that you just don’t play with Nigerian jollof rice anyhow. It’s not a joking sturvz…Put some respek on that jollof!

    https://zikoko.com/list/21-tweets-that-are-too-real-for-nigerians-who-love-jollof-rice/

  • 1. This disrespectful tweet.

    https://twitter.com/Funorah33/status/806912996161294337

    2. What is this travesty, abeg?

    3. Someone, please pass the dustbin.

    4. Is everything okay at home?

    https://twitter.com/RocketInTheMix/status/816180032716603392

    5. Why are people like this?

    6. No, just, NO!

    7. We keep straying from God’s light everyday.

    8. Why???

    https://twitter.com/OheneKofiTho/status/758417890118922240

    9. Ridiculousness at its finest.

    10. Hay God!

    https://twitter.com/Morenikeeee_/status/798597280114716672

    11. What we ordered and what they brought for us.

    https://twitter.com/zikokomag/status/720981744229486592

    12. This person is sha cancelled.

  • 1. Sunday Jollof Rice

    Now you can smell your mums Sunday rice all day, everyday!

    2. Pleasant Plantain.

    Everyone loves plantain, now everyone loves you.

    3. Crisp 1000 Naira Notes

    Let your house smell like it just walked out of an ATM. Crisp!

    4. Crisp 500 Naira Note.

    Special awoof promo, now you can get two 500 Naira for the price of one 1000 Naira.

    5. Splendid Small Chops.

    They did not invite you for owambe? Who needs them, throw your own party at home.

    6. Original Orijin.

    Buy 3 of this, you go dey alright.

    7. Alomo Bitters.

    Oga, if Orijin no do you, buy one Kasaprenko. Finish work.

    8. Ewa-Aganyin.

    Sold only in the morning on the road. You snooze, you lose.

    9. Fresh Agege Bread.

    Retailing at 70 & 100 Naira, this scent pairs perfectly with ewa-aganyin.

    10. Indomie chicken Flavour.

    “Indomie, indomie, indomie noodles”.

  • Jollof rice is everybody’s one and only bae. If you’ve ever had firewood Jollof, you’ll totally relate.

    Wahala started off a sudden, when a Nigerian chef, Djoella Kitchen, shared this plate of Jollof rice and chicken on Twitter.

    Have u ordered yours? #jolloftuesday N800 only, abjwide delivery pic.twitter.com/zSRBdv9dY6

    — D’joella Kitchen (@Djoellakitchen) August 23, 2016

    People dragged the chef for posting this Jollof o!

    @Djoellakitchen gtho pic.twitter.com/oyzG0v8zGb

    — Tooru Oikawa (@TonyVodka) August 23, 2016

    What type of Jollof rice is this abeg?

    @Djoellakitchen don’t know where this originates from cos even Ghanaian Jollof doesn’t look this bad pic.twitter.com/vdi8WUOUPp

    — D O D O (@godNae) August 24, 2016

    Because this is the Nigerian Jollof we all know and trust.

    @Djoellakitchen This is what Jollof Rice looks like.. pic.twitter.com/Dm9p5DSt8p

    — /for.bs zhi.lah/ (@forbszhilah) August 23, 2016

    This Jollof is a national disgrace.

    @Djoellakitchen you are the reason why they think Nigerian Jollof aint shit. U have shamed our country?

    — IB. (@IB_Presenter) August 23, 2016

    The dodo doesn’t look attractive sef.

    @Djoellakitchen We eat Jollof not jollof and even jollof can’t look this bad. Peep the dodo for Chrissakes!! pic.twitter.com/dzOdqW49Ty

    — D O D O (@godNae) August 24, 2016

    Why should anybody buy this rice for N800 please?

    @Djoellakitchen I should now buy that miserable chicken that looks like he just came out of a Fight? And this tin tomato rice for #800

    — Oluwagbemiga StoneZ (@OGCarterMillz) August 24, 2016

    Maybe the tomato paste finished when the Jollof was still on fire.

    @Djoellakitchen I know Jollof rice can be a struggle to cook sometimes but nah not this. Did tomato paste finish? pic.twitter.com/0lrqVbDnob

    — Demi (@iamdemi02) August 23, 2016

    Some Ghanaians even tried to slander Nigerian Jollof.

    But this Caribbean Twitter user testified to the greatness of Nigerian Jollof.

    Next time, she should just add plenty filter so the rice can look better.

    @Djoellakitchen sorry for the insults you received ? but please make the food lol more enticing next time

    — uZode (@nosy_diva) August 23, 2016

  • This Sunday is World Jollof Rice Day!

    You might be a Nigerian jollof fan or a Ghanaian jollof fan.  You might think that Jamie Oliver’s jollof was on point or you might believe it was disgusting.  You might not even like jollof rice (what is wrong with you?).  But you have to agree that jollof rice is important. So this World Jollof Rice Day (yes, this is a thing), MAGGI Nigeria and Kitchen Butterfly have organised a special event to celebrate World Jollof Day.  Here’s what’s going down:

    1. A Jollof Rice exhibition.

    Involving food art from super-creative Haneefah Adams (@muslimahanie) and the winners of the Instagram Photo Contest for World Jollof Rice Day.

    2. A lesson on the history of Jollof Rice.

    For those of you who want to know were jollof comes from (hint: heaven).

    3. A chat with the convener of the first Wolof/Jolof Exhibition.

    His name is Folakunle Oshun and he’s a sculptor. And a jollof rice lover.

    4. A book meet on “Jollof Rice in Literature.”

    Who knew that jollof rice was so deep? Wana Udobong, Ozoz Sokoh and Amanda Chukwudozie will be discussing Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozie Adichie, Without a Silver Spoon by Eddie Iroh and other books. Eghosa Imasuen, author of fine boys will moderate and they’ll discuss themes like the cultural significance of Jollof, Jollof Rice across ethnic and socioeconomic barriers and Jollof as comfort food. (Seriously though, who knew?)

    5. An actual meal of Jollof Rice from Ghana High

    Now you’re talking!

    6. And finally, the after-party!

    Because ain’t no party like a Jollof party…

    7. And it’s going down this Sunday 21st August…

    … at Whitespace (58 Raymond Njoku, Ikoyi, Lagos) between 4 and 7 pm.  They said you should come hungry, we agree!