It is December, and as always, I Just Got Back (IJGBs) are now in town to remind us that the weather in Heathrow in different from the one in Honolulu. While IJGBs have knowledge of worlds, we have knowledge of words. Here are six slangs IJGBs have to learn to blend in.
On God
Nigerians are so in love with God that when they realised God was not mentioned in the first stanza of the National anthem, they created a second stanza that starts with “Oh God of creation”. When Nigerians say “On God”, they are telling you to do your best and trust God to handle the rest. When you ask a Nigerian if clubbing will happen tonight, dear IJGB, “On God” = As long as God lives, we will ball!
We go run am
This is the slang home-based Nigerians want to hear from you when they complain about their economic predicament. As a bag of rice is now worth the same amount as a plot of land in Ibadan, we go run am is the slang you need to comfort home-based Nigerians that help is coming soon. You can also just ask for their account number.
E be things
E be things is a general slang on the complexity of life. This is what you say when you realise that problems are not tailored to frustrate you, problems just exist and there is nothing you can do about them. E be the things is the hood equivalent of “Well… that’s life”. When you get stuck in traffic on your way to pick up glazed doughnuts, E be things is what you tweet to let home-based Nigerians know what’s up.
At all at all na im bad pass
This is the slang to use when you are expecting ₦10m in your account, and you get ₦1k. It is you saying “I know I deserve better, but I will manage.”
I can’t kill myself
After all the freezing cold in Toronto, and the lockdown in London, you are now home to enjoy yourself, but people won’t stop asking why you like partying so much. To remind your haters that it has been a stressful year, the right slang to tweet post-hangover is “I can’t kill myself”. That way, your haters will know you don’t care. You just want to enjoy the holidays.
Omo
If all else fails, try omo. Omo is “innit” that didn’t see visa to collect. It fits into every context. Omo is the slang for when you see a hot guy/babe. Omo is the slang for when someone hits your car. Omo is the slang for a bowl of Isi-ewu that hits every part of your body. Omo is a sentence, a phrase, a word, a culture depending on how you use it.
Which slang did we miss?
What does IJGB mean? – “I Just Got Back.” This means someone who’s living abroad and is back in Nigeria for December rocks. Now that you know the definition of IJGB, let’s begin.
December is upon us and God willing, the innits will soon be upon us. We’ve prepared this guide as a safety measure to ensure that you’re not taken for eediat this December.
Here’s a list of men to avoid this December:
1) The “I don’t have Naira on me” type
He’s a liar and a dirty ***** living a fake life.
2) The “I’ll come back to marry you”
Scope. We’ve heard this format so many times before.
3) The “I need a proper African woman”
S for what? – Slavery.
4) The insufferable ones
“In the [insert name of country] they don’t do this.” We’ve heard you.
5) The “do you have a friend?”
For what? For why?
6) The ones that won’t stop converting to anything that’s not Naira.
“Oh, just 6 pounds? That’s cheap. Lol.” It’s your daddy that’s cheap.
7) The ones that won’t introduce you to their friends of family
Femi, why are we always meeting at hotels in the middle of the night? Are you ashamed of me? Are you?
8) Any abroad Nigerian man that says it’s complicated
It’s a lie my dear, he has two kids and a lovely wife in England. He’s lying.
9) The triple threat
If he attended K.C, then went to Unilag, and is now in London for Masters, ah. Run oh
10) Children of politicians
Because while we’re having a good time, we’re not frolicking with the enemy. We’re still on that #EndSars wave my dears.
1. You, sending out those “Are you in town?” texts like:
At least one of them will yield results.
2. You, leaving all your other relationships to focus on your IJGB fling:
Just give me two weeks, my loves.
3. When your bae actually dumps you for an IJGB.
A whole breakup? Is it not to quietly cheat?
4. You, watching the traffic get worse with each passing day:
Please, you people should come and be going.
5. When your IJGB friend wants you to go out for the sixth night in a row.
Let me rest, abeg.
6. When they start talking about wanting to move back.
Don’t get carried away oh.
7. You, watching the IJGBs bring out pounds and dollars:
*Hides naira notes*
8. “Oh! This [Nigerian issue] is still like this?”
We don’t blame you.
9. You, dodging the varying accents like:
Take it easy on us.
10. When you see your friends catching actual feelings for an IJGB.
Have you lost your damn mind?
11. When it has passed 2 weeks and your IJGB fling is still around.
Have you been deported ni?
12. You, watching them leave in January:
See you next December.
1. When you find out your cousin is coming to visit.
Party time!
2. When your mother forces you to clean the whole house 7 times because you are “expecting visitors”.
How many clean will we clean because of one person oh?
3. When your cousin brings you all the things you asked for.
Best cousin in the world!
4. Your parents when you say you want to take your cousin out.
“Is that money enough?’
5. You when your mother brings out snacks you’ve never seen in the house:
Na wa oh!
6. How you step out in the new clothes your cousin bought you.
Freshest there is!
7. When your parents leave the generator on longer than normal so your cousin “isn’t too stressed”.
So I don’t get stressed abi?
8. When your cousin is getting special “I Just Got Back” (IJGB) treatment.
So the rest of us are now what?
9. When you get “assistant IJGB” treatment because of your cousin.
Ehen! That’s what I’m talking about!
10. When all your friends meet your cousin and start doing fake accent.
What is all this “fiun fiun fiun” these ones are doing?
11. When your cousin’s “local champion” is getting too much.
My friend will you allow somebody hear word! Are you the first to live abroad?
12. When your cousin is about to leave so your enjoyment is coming to an end
Please stayyyyyyy!
Registration for NYSC 2016 Batch A is now open! If you are planning on joining this batch, then you’ll need to register within the next couple weeks (by February 28th to be exact).
The whole thing can be overwhelming. We’ve been there, done that, and got the t-shirts. Literally. You know these NYSC t-shirts?
Anyhow, you’re here because we are going to show you how to register as painlessly as possible. Okay, we can’t promise it will entirely be without pain. But this should make things a lot easier. Here’s our our guide to the NYSC registration process.
0. Super Mega Important Public Service Announcement
Before we start, let’s talk. If you are hoping to get posted to particular states such as Lagos or Abuja, know one thing –
No one gets posted to Lagos or Abuja by accident
If you don’t know you are going to Lagos before the postings even come out, then you’re not serving in Lagos. If you don’t know what we’re talking about, ask one of your older siblings or aunties/uncles who live in Nigeria.
With that out of the way, let’s get on with it.
1. Get your documents ready
These are the things you will need to have handy and get ready before you start registration.
International Passport — data page
International Passport — page showing date of first departure from Nigeria
International Passport — page showing date of return to NigeriaVisa for stay abroad
High School Diploma / IGCSE Certificate
First University Degree Diploma
First University Degree TranscriptPassport-sized photographMeasurements for your clothes (Small, Medium, Large, XLarge)
Scan of your signature
You will also need a valid Nigerian mobile telephone number
2. Create your NYSC account
First, you’ll need to visit the NYSC’s main site.
Warning. There are many NYSC websites, and obviously lots of them are fake. Double check to ensure that you are on the right one. The right URL in your browser should be nysc.org.ng.
Now you are there, look towards the lower right quadrant of your page. Under “quick links”, there is a link to “prospective corps member online registration”.
To create an account, click “Apply for Relocation” under “Registration for Mobilization Batch A, 2016”. Under Registration Options popup, click, “Fresh Registration”. You will be redirected to a page to create your account.
If you want to be able to receive information via SMS and print your call-up letter when it is ready, you will need to make a payment online of N3,000. Although not exactly necessary, we highly recommend it because otherwise, you will have to get your call up letter at camp, and that is one more potential complication you don’t really need.
You will need a Nigerian bank account with online banking to do this.
4. Biometrics
Once you have made your payment, the first thing you will be prompted to do is to upload your biometric data. That page looks like this.
You don’t have to do it right away though. You can skip it till you have completed the main application. It will pop again during application review. Don’t worry, we’ll show you how when you get there.
5. Online Application
The online application process is completed in 5 steps.
Step 1 — Your general/personal information
Step 2 — Your education historyStep 3 — Your documents uploadStep 4— Application review
Here you review your application as well as select the top 3 states you wish to be deployed to. The options you can choose change depending on the choices you make. You cannot pick all three states within the same region. So, for example, if you pick Lagos as your first state, you will not be able to pick any other South-West states. So choose carefully!
Step 5 — Biometrics
The thumbprint registration process requires special hardware, so we advise that you go to a cyber cafe. A cyber cafe in Nigeria.
Here are some cyber cafes you can go to. We’ll continue to update this list with places and cities as we find them –
Lagos
Shop 68B, Falomo Roundabout, Ikoyi (Google Maps)
Thugoth Cafe, 5 Onikoyi street, Aguda, Surulere (07087741199 / Google Maps)
Okikola and Company Cybercafe, 5 Adenuga Street, Babs Animashaun Road, Surulere (09092413778 / Google Maps)
Want to do the biometric upload yourself/from abroad?
If for some reason, you are still stuck abroad and are afraid that time is running short, in theory, you could accomplish this part by yourself. It could be tricky if you aren’t very good around computers. But all you really need to make this work is an $86 fingerprint scanner. As far as we know, the only kind that will work is this type. See this Nairaland thread for instructions. Good luck!
6. After Registration
Important: Once you have submitted your application, you will not be able to edit any information in the application. However, you can still upload/change the documents.
You will receive a text saying that your registration was completed.
If there are any problems with the application or documents, you will receive a text message about that. Once everything is accepted, you will receive your call-up number within a couple of days.
If you have any questions or need more help, send your tweets to @ijgbnetwork. Good luck, and…
Adichie says hair is political. Yup. Afro, dreads, just let it grow and blossom baby. Must attend: that dreads convention each year. Must follow: Blogs, Instagrams, Tweeters about natural hair. Must do: Tell everyone just how great their hair is and welcome them to the other side.
2. Stop wearing a bra
Bras were invented by men to hold you back from freedom. Ditch bras. When people stare at you, hold them tits high by arching your back. Dazeet.
3. Attend Afropolitan vibes
Ignore all the western music and think about the live band bruh. That live band is lit. Don’t forget to tweet about how the bottled Palmwine isn’t fresh enough for you.
4. Visit Terrakulture at least once a month
You haven’t gone to an art gallery? How are you living without the appreciation of art? Rele also holds a couple of events.
5. Tell us how awful international food is
Can we just ban Domino’s? How dare you call chicken suya a pizza variant? *rolling eye emoji*
6. Bogobiri on Thursdays
Nigerian music is trash except when you’re bumping and grinding to it at Vapours on Friday. Bogobiri’s open Mic night is what authentic music should sound like — with proper content and etc.
7. Complain about politics but don’t vote
Tweet about how much light you’re not getting and how the roads in VI are bad. Don’t forget it took you 6 months to register your non-profitable business. But don’t vote. How can you vote in an election that’s already rigged?
8. Tell us how Lagos is the most expensive city ever
“Lagos is the most expensive city I’ve ever lived in”. Thank you Ms. Art internship in Monaco, we had no idea.
9. Complain about the things Nigerians do
This one is really important. Nigerians don’t give personal space. Nigerians eat too loud. Nigerians are too loud on the phone. Nigerians like to talk too much and any other thing you think only Nigerians are capable of doing.
10. Complain about Ubers
Nigeria just doesn’t have enough Ubers bruh. It’s always in surge pricing bruh. There are no trains in Lagos bruh. How are there no trains in Lagos?
11. Be a writer
Write sad poems. More importantly, write “African fiction” and attempt to describe the smell of Lagos. Argue about writing. Compare and contrast Adichie to Achebe and give yourself 10 marks for spotting the differences. Get into a creative writing workshop. Blame your singleness on the fact that nobody can love writers because they’re always sad.
12. Start a blog
Lagosdosgbe.wordpress.com or a URL with a Nigerian slang will be your collection of woes, p settings and the weird thing you bought in traffic. Tell your friends about it every time you have lunch with them.
13. Be proud of your melanin
Black is beautiful. That’s all I have to say. Tag every picture with #Melanin and #Slay. Ugh. Slay is so important. Never forget to slay.
14. Patch everything with Ankara
How else will you define yourself and your Africanness if you don’t have a lirru bit of Ankara and Dashiki pieces everywhere? Put them on your pockets, chest, forehead. Wear an Ankara bikini.
15. Join the fitfam crew
Sign up for Truppr and get on that Lekkoyi bridge. We’re not trying to accept our bodies anymore. That’s so 2012–2014. You must change that body and be fit and have enough Buffality. Dazz rai. Don’t forget to autopost your Endomondo, Runkeeper and Nike+ workouts. Everybody must know.
1. When they stop putting on the generator for you when they take light.
Get ready, they have already started pitying you less.
2. When they tell you to buy fuel by yourself if you want the gen on.
Ah! It has officially begun; your status is expiring
3. When no one has asked you “when did you get back?” in weeks.
Basically everyone that can see you has already seen you.
4. When you stop converting naira to dollars/pounds in your head.
You are starting to accept your fate.
5. When your parents go from “don’t stay out too late” to “be back by 10”.
The curfew has arrived.
6. When your parents go from asking you to help them do a chore to telling you to go do it.
Their eyes are starting to clear.
7. When the chores go from little ones like washing plates to washing toilet floor.
You know they are rating you less and less.
8. When you stop saying “innit” and “mate” as much.
By this time “ehen” and “my guy” have pushed them out.
9. When you haven’t complained about the heat in weeks.
You’re already getting used to it.
10. When you either queue for fuel for over an hour or argue with a conductor.
The moment any of these happen, your IJGB status has officially expired.
1. “Who are the network providers again?”
Ah! How many years and you don’t remember MTN?
2. “How do you load [insert network provider] credit again?”
I can’t even vex. I’m still here and I don’t even know it.
3. “I really missed [insert Nigerian food].”
Ehn! Go and eat na.
4. “Ugh! The internet is so slow here.”
Na so we see am.
5. “How much is that in [insert dollars/pounds]?”
You see yourself.
6. “Has light always been this bad?”
What are you asking?
7. “Oh! When did they renovate [insert first place they visit]?”
Let’s go, biko.
8. “OMG! It’s sooo hot.”
We apologize on behalf of the sun.
9. “How do you get to [insert place that is 5 minutes from their house] again?”
Don’t vex me, abeg.
10. “Ugh! Traffic is so terrible.”
You know all of you are adding to it sha.
11. “Do you know anywhere I can get [insert oyinbo thing]?”
Organic kini? Nope. Nah. Uhn-Uhn.
12. “So this place is still like this?”
It’s not your fault.
13. “Is [insert last spot they visited before leaving] still open?”
The spot is almost always a club.
14. “I think I’m reacting to the [insert water, food, or air].”
Ah! Sorry oh.
15. “Wow! They have [insert oyinbo thing] here now. That’s nice.”
We are trying small small.
1. Typing in Google to find the best schools that have your program.
Y U NO have my program?
2. And then you see the tuition rates.
Are we learning how to make gold from pure water.
3. And you begin to reconsider If Masters is really worth it.
Maybe having a spare parts business isn’t as bad as they say.
4. But you know you will be able to join ‘Init” and “Student Visa Twitter” and have fast internet.
About to be in a different time zone bruv…
5. When one agent is trying to help you get “quick admission” with N200k service charge.
Boy if you don’t get…
6. When you see the list of exams you have to write to get considered.
Only me GRE, GMAT, TOEFL… Nobody said it will be like this.
7. Then they hit you with the list of essays you have to write after the exams.
What is a personal statement for Gods sake? Why you doing this to me?
8. When you have to stay on the phone on hold for thirty minutes with the admission office.
Hello…can you hear me… All this credit wasting listening to random adverts.
9. But you get your admission letter in your email later that night.
I feel happy, I feel grateful and I feel fulfilled. I’m happy because I never experrit…
10. Trying to calculate how much it will cost for flights, tuition, accommodation, new MacBook.
All this money…where will I find it.
11. And the only option is to look for scholarships.
I need help please. God will bless you if you can just help small.
12. When it’s time to go through the embassy struggle.
Every power against my Visa application, Die by Fire!
13. And you get your visa and you can now change your location in your bio.
I’m Stepping into my promised land.
14. Trying to get everything you need for your trip.
