The I Just Got Back (IJGBs) are back in town, at least the ones who escaped the Red List. The accent is flowing and the dollar is plenty. How do you know which one will destroy your life? We know them, and here are the signs.
1. They always want to see you.
These are the IJGBs that don’t care whether you have a day job. They are back in town and want to see you immediately. To them traffic or Nigerian bosses do not matter. Please flee from these kinds of IJGBs before they run you down.
2. They are professing undying love for you.
IJGB that is visiting Nigeria for the first time after how many months and the first thing they are doing is professing undying love? Please, if any one of them comes your way, just flee before they ruin what is left of your life.
3. They want to have raw sex.
This can go wrong in many ways and you know it too. So, if any IJGB is proposing tlof-tlof without protection, please just wear your clothes and enter your Bolt back home. No tlof-tlof is worth all that, plis.
4. They want to go to the most expensive places in town.
This is actually super chill. Until you realise they want you to foot the bills. Take it from us: being an IJGB doesn’t mean they will have money. Who knows, they’re probably struggling like you. Shine your eye.
5. They want to party all night.
This one just wants to kill you. Party all night, with your back and knees? At what age? You better flee every appearance of evil.
6. They like to fight and ask people, “Do you know who I am?”
This one will land you in police custody. You better remind them that Nigerian police is not like oyinbo police. Things are different here oh.
7. They are always looking for where to eat Amala.
These ones have seen pictures on Twitter and suddenly the only thing they want to eat is Amala. Please and please, just eat let them eat the medium rare steak they are used to before you give them Amala and they start to complain of food poisoning.
8. They have small cocaine or want you to introduce them to cocaine sellers.
You want to bam ba? You want to chill with the big boys? Okay nau. Just buy your running shoes ready because you will definitely run kiti kiti when the time comes.
We have said our own. Read our interview with Cocaine here: