How will they now ground someone they don’t even allow to go out?
2. The washing machine anywhere else:
The washing machine in a Nigerian home:
Your clothes oh, your parents’ clothes oh, your neighbour’s clothes sef, all join. You will wash.
3. When your parents see you resting anywhere else:
When your parents see you resting in a Nigerian home:
What have you done that you are resting?
4. The dishwasher everywhere else:
The dishwasher in a Nigerian home:
That big pot on the stove is sha your worst enemy.
5. Saturday mornings anywhere else:
Saturday mornings in a Nigerian home:
You will clean the house till it’s time to go to church the next day.
6. The car wash everywhere else:
The car wash in a Nigerian home:
You will wash under the car join.
7. Before you go to bed anywhere else:
Before you go to bed in a Nigerian home:
Bedtime stories ke? Read your bible and sleep biko.
8. The TV remote anywhere else:
The TV remote in a Nigerian home:
Which one is remote when you are there to change channel.
9. How your parents wake you up for school anywhere else:
How your parents wake you up for school in a Nigerian home:
Better wear your uniform and be going to school.
10. The vacuum cleaner anywhere else:
The vacuum cleaner in a Nigerian home:
Oya go and carry that broom and packer.
1. “Allowance”
Which one is allowance? Are they not ‘allowing’ you live in their house for free? My friend, will you leave this place.
2. “Privacy”
You want them to give you privacy in their own house? You want them to knock before they enter your bedroom? You’re a joker. You will get privacy when you move out and marry.
3. “Dating”
Which one is dating? Better face your book, graduate, then you can ‘date’ your spouse after both of you have married finish.
4. “Sex”
Sex doesn’t exist. Simpu. The end. Full stop. Bye.
5. “Rest”
Rest ke? Are you God? Even God created the whole world before he rested? What have you done in your small life that you are resting? You can rest when you have died, abeg.
6. “Please”
Why are the people that gave birth to you telling you “please” biko? So they should beg you to bring the remote that is right beside them? You are not a serious somebody.
7. “Sorry”
Shebi people only say sorry when they are wrong? Well, there you have it, your parents can never be wrong. So why should they even know that word?
8. “Thank you”
Wait, you want your parents to thank you for doing something? See this comedian. The only time you might mistakenly hear those words is if you tell them “I love you.”
9. “Adult”
You think you are now an adult because you have turned 18 abi 21? Ehn go and report to the police that your parents don’t know what adult means. You will still chop all these slaps and punishments.
10. “Sick”
You’re not sick, you are well in Jesus’ name. Now stand up from that hospital bed, wear your uniform and be going to school.
11. “Sleepover”
You want to go and sleep inside another person’s house? You don’t have house? You don’t have bed? Infact, you don’t have sense.
12. “Whispering”
Why should they be whispering? If they don’t shout on the phone and at the person standing right beside them, how will people now hear what they are saying?
13. “Grounded”
Which kind of oyinbo nonsense is that one, abeg? Go an bring that cane from their room now now jare.
1. When you ask them to help you buy contraband and they start forming.
It’s not your fault sha.
2. How you see the students that charge boarders to help them buy stuff outside:
These ones will use to buy house.
3. When you can hear day students gisting about Paloma and Diego in class.
Because you have TV abi?
4. When day students bring cold water to school and start forming stingy for you.
On top cold water sha?
5. How day students look in the middle of the term vs. How you look in the middle of the term:
It’s dining hall food that is causing it.
6. Your face, when day students start asking you for hostel gist:
Face your front, biko.
7. How you look at day students when they bring their phones to showoff:
See that one.
8. You, watching day students eat the food they brought from home.
Chai! See chow.
9. When day students are talking about their weekend plans and you’re just there like:
Me that will be washing boxers.
10. How you spend your money vs. How day students spend their money:
The worst.
11. How you look at day students that wear all the clothes they have at home for socials:
Calm down na.
12. When a day student tries to form familiar with you and your guys.
BE GOING TO YOUR HOUSE OH!
13. You, watching day students leave school at closing time:
It can pain sometimes sha.
1. How you run out when you hear it’s time for musical chairs:
I’m ready to win that extra party pack.
2. When you’re still dancing like a normal human being because the chairs are plenty.
They don’t know the real you is about to emerge.
3. How you eye each chair facing you as you approach it:
Can’t risk it, biko.
4. You, dancing in the direction of the chair as you pass it like:
Music fit stop any foken time.
5. How you look at the Dj when the song is almost over and he has not paused it:
How is it doing this one?
6. When all of you get carried away by the jams the DJ is playing.
TURN UP!
7. You, when the music stops without any warning:
Chineke!
8. When you and another child have half nyansh on one chair and you successfully push them off.
YESSS!!!
9. You, looking at that child that refuses to accept they are out of the game:
Hian! Leave this place na.
10. When your friend moves your chair right before you land on it.
Wow! Is it like that?
11. How you feel when the music stops for you right in front of a chair:
See what God can do.
12. When someone sits on your lap and refuses to stand up:
Respect yourself, biko.
13. You, watching people go back to their seats in shame when they lose:
Come and be going, abeg.
14. How you play when there is only one chair left:
It is no longer a game.
15. How you sit on the last chair when you win the game:
WHERE IS MY PARTY PACK?
1. When your parents are warning you not to eat anything in their friend’s house
Na wa for una.
2. How they greet each other:
Old people sha.
3. When the first thing their friend says to you is “you’ve added oh.”
What should I now do?
4. When they start complaining about your hair, your dress, or how you greeted them.
It’s not your fault sha. It’s my mother that dragged me here.
5. How your mother looks at you when her friend offers you food:
“I’ve already eaten, ma.”
6. When your parents are gisting with their friend and you try to add mouth.
Ah sorry ma.
7. When you misbehave and your mother gives you that ‘when we get home’ look.
I’m dead oh!
8. When your parents start reporting things you did months ago to their friends.
Can we move on though?
9. When your parent’s friends think they are substitute parents and start giving life advice.
Can you not?
10. When your parents make you wash all the plates you met in their friend’s sink.
I’m now house help for rent, abi?
11. When they force you to go and play with their children that you don’t even know.
Chai! Is it by force?
12. When you were done with the visit 3 hours ago but your parents are still lost in their gist.
Chai!
13. When your parents say “let us go” and they actually stand up to go.
Praise Jesus!
1. Your mother, when it’s Saturday morning and you’re still sleeping:
See this lazy child.
2. When you hear your mother blasting gospel music and you know endless cleaning is about to go down.
Hay God!
3. When you try to eat breakfast before you’ve done any work.
Eat what?
4. When your mother sees you watching Cadbury’s breakfast television before you’ve finished your work.
Is this child mad?
5. When you are already cleaning the whole house but your mother is still like:
Hian! What is it?
6. When you think you’ve finished and your mother invents new work for you.
Chineke!
7. When you hear “today is environmental” but every Saturday is already environmental sanitation to you.
See these ones.
8. You, finally eating breakfast when it’s almost evening:
This one has passed brunch.
9. When you want to go out that Saturday so you wake up by 3am to do all your chores:
Can’t risk it oh!
10. When your mother leaves the whole kitchen for you to clean after her Saturday cooking.
Is it fair?
11. The worst Saturday morning chore:
THE ABSOLUTE WORST.
12. When NEPA waits for you to complete all your chores before they take light.
Who is doing me from my village?
13. When you are finally about to rest and you hear “let’s go to the market.”
WHAT IS IT OH?
1. When you’re begging your parents to let your friend come and visit you.
You have to bring PowerPoint presentation to convince them.
2. You, reminding you friend to greet your parents properly.
Better don’t be doing anyhow.
3. How your parents look at them if they come and visit earlier than 12pm:
Chai!
4. How your parents look at them if they are still in your house when it’s dark:
Be going, biko.
5. When your friend doesn’t greet your parents properly and you already know that friendship is over.
Chai! Time to find new friend.
6. How you look at your friend that prostrates to greet your parents:
They will now be comparing both of you forever.
7. When your parents spend half the visit interrogating your friends.
Okay, Mummy FBI, can you go now?
8. When your mother asks “have you offered your friend anything?” and they say no.
See this one. You don’t have food in your house?
9. When your friend of the opposite sex says they want to come to your house.
Abeg oh! I’m not ready to die yet.
10. When your mother offers them food and they reject it.
Hay God!
11. When your friend says “your parents are so nice.”
It’s because you’re here oh.
12. When you make them ask your parents to allow you to go out so they don’t say no.
I sabi, abeg.
13. How your friend looks when your parents start shouting on you in their presence:
Well, this is awkward.
14. When your friend wants to leave your house without telling your parents first.
Better respect yourself.
15. When your parents that were smiling with them start insulting them immediately they leave.
“Don’t bring that idiot to my house again.”
16. When it’s time to go and visit that friend and your parents ask “how many times have they come here?”
Are you serious?
1. You, entering the birthday party with your dancing shoes like:
TURN UP!
2. The MC at every single Nigerian birthday party:
Always looking like they came out of a horror movie.
3. When the MC calls your age group to come out for the dancing competition.
My body is ready.
4. Awilo Longomba blessed us with the dancing competition song of our childhood:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6a6KHE2ICqg
5. When the DJ starts the music and you scatter leg to win that extra party pack.
Today is my day.
6. How you look at that child that is still dancing when the DJ stops the music:
See this one.
7. That child that refuses to leave the dance-floor without a fight:
Please come and be going.
8. You, when the MC asks the crowd “is he the winner?”
Baba God do it for your child.
9. How Nigerian adults always shout the answer:
Hian! Calm dow na.
10. When they use loudest clapping to measure the winner but you don’t have any friends.
See my life.
11. You, trying not to cry when they finally bounce you.
Let me hold myself.
12. You, when the MC now shouts “EVERYONE TELL HIM BYE BYE!”
Are you not a demon?
13. When the celebrant wins the dancing competition.
The making of Nigerian politicians.
1. That cream she doesn’t want to accept has finished:
Mummy, let it go.
2. Those creams she only used once and never used again:
Why are they still there though?
3. The dusting powder that was more for you than her:
The answer to every skin condition known to man.
4. Her weave on’s best friend:
Always slacked, but they will never let it go.
5. Her anointing oil that is the answer to EVERYTHING:
Always there, just in case.
6. Her unofficial sewing kit:
The pain you feel when you open it expecting to actually see cookies.
7. Her matchy-matchy jewellery:
For her special Owambes.
8. Her all-purpose wig:
Always ready to give her that quick slay.
9. The reason that her wig has lasted so long:
Pink oil is every wigs fountain of youth.
10. That extra mirror she has even though the dressing table has one giant mirror:
WHY?
11. All the combs she has even though she only ever uses one:
When you’re not a hairdresser.
12. The brown powder that doesn’t even have to match her complexion:
They will still use it like that.
13. That tiny tray filled with drugs (by drugs, we mean paracetamol):
But look well because they are most likely expired.
14. Her infinite supply of cotton buds:
It’s always full.
1. When you tell your mother you’re sick and she says “you’re strong in Jesus’ name.”
Amen! But I’m still vomiting sha.
2. How your parents see themselves when you fall sick:
You people are now doctors, abi?
3. When your mother feels your forehead to check your temperature.
Hian! Is it only malaria?
4. The real doctors in every Nigerian home:
Nigerian parents not-so-secret weapon.
5. “I have a cold.” “I was shot in my leg.” “I was hit by a trailer.”
Robb is the answer when you don’t even know the question.
6. The last stop before your parents actually take you to a hospital
Can’t even imagine using it to cook. It is anointing oil now and forever.
7. The sick Nigerian’s unofficial diet:
THE BEST.
8. When you think sickness will stop you from going to school.
When it’s not that you’re dead.
9. When your parents still wake you up to go and wash pot.
Hay God!
10. Your mother, when you fall sick on a Sunday.
Holy Spirit will heal you.
11. When you vomit in front of your parents.
That’s the only explanation.
12. When your parents suddenly start acting nice to you.
Oh? I should fall sick more often.
13. Your mother, if your sickness lasts longer than 4 days:
