• 1. How to bathe like a pro.

    Whether it’s bathing in the cold, bathing with just a bowl of water or bathing with just five minutes left before the hostel gate is closed, boarding school has taught us to live life on the fast side. So you know that harmattan showers ain’t got nothing on you, you can have your bath and rush out the house if you ever find yourself running late, and if your landlord thinks he can suffer you by locking the well and hiding the key, he’s got another thing coming, a satchet or two of pure water will be just enough to do the job.

    2. How to dress even when under duress.

    When there’s only two seconds left on the clock and you have to put on your underwear, slip on your school uniform, wear your socks and your shoes, and maybe even toss on a beret, boarding school has taught us that speed and agility are qualities that don’t only belong to the cheetah. So that when you find yourself running late for work, there’s no fear of showing up in the office wearing bathroom slippers for shoes.

    3. How to think on your feet.

    When a senior student suddenly appears in front of you and is about to send you on an errand, you have a split second to think of an excuse or risk being the J-girl messenger of the day. The ability to come up with an elaborate excuse like this, “I’m sorry Senior, I have a drug in the sickbay that I have to take every 30 minutes in front of the nurses”, will save you in many future on-the-spot moments like when you have a presentation at work, or even trying to convince a lover that you didn’t do something you both know you did but which you would very much like to get off the hook for.

    4. How to be resourceful with little in order to get much.

    When it’s nearing the end of the term and provisions are scarce, the “soak and travel” method of drinking garri is one example of how boarding school taught us to be careful with little so that we can get much. And this is one skill that will definitely serve well at moments when the adulting life hits hard but the pride is too much to ask anyone for help.

    5. How to eat quickly so no one can join you.

    In the dinning hall, there’s barely any time to eat your food. You alternate between eating standing or walking, and there’s no time to chat or take occasionally sips of water, not to talk of even read a book. This is a very important skill for life, especially when dealing with those kinds of people who actually bring a spoon when you out of courtesy tell them, “come and eat”. Ain’t nobody got time for a ration-stealer, so you cut them short. Finish the food so they can’t find anything to eat on the plate.

    6. How to drink water without ever having to put your lips to the mouth of the bottle.

    It’s slightly tricky and it might take some time, but eventually every boarder gets the hang of it. Tilt your head back, lift the bottle, angle it parallel to the lips, open the mouth – stylishly, not too wide like an idiot – and then pour. The key is to bring the bottle to you not your lips to the bottle. There are several benefits of this skill, and all of them revolve around it being healthy. No more shared saliva, no fear of backwash, no risk of contracting mouth diseases, if ever a life skill was needed, it’s definitely this!

    7. How to tell a story and tell it well.

    Much of your time in boarding school, apart of the time spent in class, running errands for seniors or serving various punishments, is also usually spent engaging in spirited conversations with classmates. A lot of gist and stories gets passed round. This is typically when the myths of the various things haunting the hostel comes out, and the people who tell these tales do so in the most captivating and enthralling way. A necessary life skill when you have to make small talk at a dinner party or gathering of otherwise boring colleagues from work. You become the life of the party, and because of the exciting stories you tell, everyone will know your name, including your boss!

    8. How to pinch, manage and save for the rainy – and sometimes harmattan – day.

    When you have to find a way to manage with just one pair of uniforms or housewear after all the others have been stolen from the clothes line, washing and towel-drying it so you can have something to wear the next day, you develop the ability to manage and style your one good pair of work pants in such a way that even your boss will start to wonder where you get the time to go and shop.

    9. How to use the toilet without using the toilet.

    When it comes to using the toilet in boarding school, it’s all about the arch. Whether it’s with a traditional toilet, a pit latrine or just yourself, a piece of paper, and the side of JSS1 block, you have to be quick, precise and careful with the arch. This is so that you make no mistake by either catching a toilet disease or tossing your “package” the wrong way when you’re done. The key is to be able to do your business as quickly and discreetly as possible. And just like being able to drink water without putting your lips to the mouth of the bottle, this life skill will definitely save you, especially when you find yourself stranded in the middle of nowhere with a broken down car and a desire to relieve yourself, or when you get mobilized and sent to an NYSC orientation camp that has more bushes than it has toilets.

    If you feel these life skills are the truth, here’s more boarding school truth for you:

    https://zikoko.com/list/wildest-boarding-school-punishments-weve-heard/ What other life skills did boarding school teach you?
  • 1. Madam Koi Koi

    Most people have heard about but don’t know her story. If you’re one of these people, come closer. Let us tell you a story.

    She was a teacher at a secondary school in Calabar in the late 1970s. She was a very stylish woman who loved to wear high heel shoes and this became her signature look. She was also a very wicked teacher who flogged the living daylight out of her students every chance she got. Some said she was a straight up sadist and used being a teacher as an excuse to inflict extreme pain and torture whenever she pleased. Her students, tired of the school management’s failure to reprimand her, decided to take matters into their own hands.

    One night, as she was leaving the school, the students cornered her, gagged her so she wouldn’t scream, and began to beat her mercilessly. One of them even took of one of her shoes and beat her with it. Then she stopped moving. They had overdone it. She was dead.

    The students panicked. They threw her body over the school’s back fence and ran. People were going to assume armed robbers did the damage. They were in the clear. Or so they thought.

    One by one the students began to vanish. All but one. The one who had hit her with the shoe. He constantly told everyone what he and the others had done and that he heard the sound of high heels clacking around his hostel every night which he believed meant that she was coming for him but no one believed him. They thought he was just trying to scare them. One night, he decided to go find out where the sound was coming from. He never returned. His body was found in the morning. He had been beaten to death.

    The school was shut down and all the kids were sent home. These kids, now knowing that the boy was right all along, spread the legend to their new schools. The Legend of Madam Koi Koi.

    She walks the halls of hostels every night, clacking the floors with her high heel shoes and if you hear her coming, shut your eyes. If you try to sneak a peak, well,  let’s just say you won’t live long enough to tell anyone what you saw.

    2. Bush Babies

    Their origin is unknown. They cry like human babies (which is how they got their name) to get your attention and draw you to them. When you do get to one and see what is i.e not a human baby like you thought, you freak out and want to run but you can’t. You’re frozen in place.

    Then it comes up to you and makes you an offer you can’t refuse. It gives you a shabby looking mat (the legend says that they all have one), shows you A LOT of money and tells you that if you can successfully keep the mat in your possession for 7 days, all that money and much more will be yours.

    Basically it plays on the greed of humans.

    The legend doesn’t say what happens if you decline (probably because everyone that has ever come across one has accepted) but it does say what happens if you accept. The Bush Baby lets you go. Just like that. What the creature won’t tell you however is that during those 7 days, it will try VIOLENTLY to take the mat back from you which, given it’s magic like powers, will most likely end with your violent death. Did you really think it would be that easy?

    3. Bunk Shaker

    This one is really bizarre. There’s no origin story for it. All that is known is that it supposedly haunts boarding schools.

    The legend says that it shows up in hostels at night and only attacks people sleeping on the top bunk. It starts to shake the bunk, gently at first, eventually increasing the intensity until the person on the top bunk wakes up to see just what exactly is happening. This is want it wants though because immediately the person looks down, it drags them of the bed and vanishes. The person is never seen again.

    At this point in the article we just have to say that if you went to a boarding school and made it out alive, you better thank Jesus everyday!

    4. Mami Water

    We’ve all heard about them. Outside Nigeria, they are called Mermaids. Fictionalized versions of them have made appearances in art and literature for hundreds of years. What we’re here to tell you however is different from the sugar coated depictions you’re used to.

    A Mami Water is a malevolent marine creature that is said to only live in large bodies of water. It is said to have the head and torso of a human female and the tail of a fish. It is common practice in certain parts of the country to appease the mami water by throwing severed goat heads into the water to satiate it’s blood thirst. When a mami water is not appeased, it is said to lure humans to the water and then takes them. This is why your parents never let you go near the water all those times you went to the beach as a child. Oya, call them now and thank them.

    5. Dog Eye Water

    Oya, wait. You’re probably saying, “Dogs are lovable creatures. They’re man’s best friend! Why are they on this list?” Let us tell you why.

    Have you ever wondered why dogs bark at night for seemingly no reason? Have you ever noticed your dog barking in a particular direction at nothing? Well, some people strongly believe that this is because dogs have the ability to see supernatural entities/spirits and when they suddenly go berserk at what looks to you to be nothing, they’re actually trying to alert you to the presence of a spirit that shouldn’t be there.

    Some people also believe that if you take a little of the liquid in the eyes of a dog and rub it in yours, you will also, though temporarily, have the ability to see spirits. Anyone that decides to try this should let us know how it works out.

    Yikes. If those stories were too scary for you, here’s a list of 15 myths we believed while growing up:

    15 Myths Every Nigerian Believed Growing Up
  • 1. You, when you remember you’re about to see your wicked seniors again.

    Stupid seniors that only know how to send you message.

    2. When you realize there won’t be delicious food for you anymore.

    Only salt and beans for the next months!

    3. You, when you realize you can’t sleep past 5 o’clock for the coming term.

    Can my parents just put me in a day-school already?

    4. When you remember you won’t see your family for the next 90 days.

    Not even my mummy that pampers me anyhow.

    5. How you now start having nightmares the night before you go to school.

    Hay God!

    6. How you balance on the toilet for hours, because you know it’s only shotput after today.

    You can only shotput after night prep sef.

    7. You, when you’re eating that final meal before you leave home:

    christmas food. December.
    Before I face my cube of sugar meat in dining.

    8. When you’re now almost in school and you see the signboard.

    My wahala is about to start!

    9. When you enter the gate and the first set of people you see are your wicked seniors.

    It’s my God that will punish all of you.
  • 1. So, when some of your seniors were hot, we heard they made you people fan them and say ‘Haier Thermocool’ at the same time?

    2. Please, somebody told us a senior made them go under and help her kill cockroaches and sleep under her bed

    3. Small play with these seniors and next thing you hear, ‘go and hang on the burglar proof’

    4. This one is the most legendary punishment, oya if you pushed car that they drew on a wall, say ‘aye’

    5. If they want to pity you small, they’ll just ask you to spell your name with your bum on the floor

    6. Bedwetters, we feel for you, so some seniors made you carry your bed on your head when you did your stuvz?

    7. If a senior ever gave you fifty naira to buy 150 rice and 7 meat with Lacaera and to bring change , you are not alone, we plenty for here

  • 1. The class sleeper

    A.KA the Class Jonah. All the teachers know him already.

    2. The junior boy that misplaced a senior’s bucket

    Seniors will now give him general beating every Saturday.

    3. The quiet junior student every senior likes to send errands

    Because she never complains and suffers in silence.

    4. The girl that had the most endowed body in school

    Boys will never let her rest!

    5. The sharp mouthed student that mistakenly abused the PRINCIPAL!

    So she mistakenly got expelled. From the world. With slaps.

    6. Those students who always had their allowances stolen

    When they will not buy iron box.

    7. What of the girl the House Master caught ‘shotputting’?

    The whole school will see her shame till she graduates.

    8. People who had their Biology notes stolen one week to exams.

    People that they’re doing from the village.

    9. The unfortunate class olodo

    The whole school knows their maths score sef.

    10. Everyone who got flogged on assembly

    The worst!

    11. And not to forget all of us who were called for ‘Last 5’ after tests.

    Is it fair?

    12. The girl who faced Oputa Panel on her first day of school.

    See grand welcome o!

    13. Everyone who knows the true meaning of ‘Mass Beating’

    If you know, you know!
  • 1. Garri

    Groundnut and sugar were luxuries, though.You also made cold eba from it.

    2. Cabin biscuits

    Can be taken with butter or used for pako flakes.

    3. Cornflakes

    Always there for you when you missed Dining Hall food.

    4. Indomie noodles

    Contraband, but you still soaked the hell out of it.

    5. Capri-Sonne

    You were allowed to carry shoulder up if you had this.

    6. Milo

    Don’t lie, you used it for choco bum bum!

    7. Okin biscuit

    If you ate this in school, remind us to kneel when we greet you.

    8. Spice

    To support and garnish the dead jollof they served in Dining.

    9. Golden Morn

    Your best friend when ‘Stomach Adjustment Palaver’ period hits.
  • 1. When you wake up 5 minutes before morning prep.

    Hay God!

    2. When you hear the bell for prep and a senior starts counting “1…2…3…”

    Run for your life.

    3. When you and your guys are stabbing prep and you hear them searching.

    Chai! Who sent me message?

    4. What afternoon prep looks like:

    Everyone just comes to finish their siesta.

    5. When they cancel night prep because the generator is not working.

    Turn up!

    6. When a prep supervisor catches you sleeping and you start denying.

    I was just meditating on what I read.

    7. When you still have to go for prep on a public holiday.

    WHY?

    8. You, entering night prep when you get there late:

    The struggle.

    9. You, pretending to read when you see your principal.

    Let me deceive myself.

    10. When the class hears the sound of someone opening a food wrapper.

    Share the love na.

    11. When the prefect that asked for list of noisemakers doesn’t collect it.

    Take that ela.

    12. How boys surround girls when they take light during night prep:

    Urgh no respect at all.

    13. When you get back from prep and you see your locker open.

    Just kill me.
  • 1. When you resume for the new term and the gateman is being too friendly

    Excuse me Sir, wyd.

    2. So you have to tell your parents to settle him

    Please mummy just drop N1000 for him.

    3. Because you are about to be a rascal for the whole term

    It’s about to be lit.

    4. But then your mum is not a corrupt person

    And you know the whole term is going to be hell.

    5. Your gateman when you are nearing the gate

    Who goes there?!

    6. So you and your squad have to go and think of a plan

    We have to go out of school today by all means

    7. When you try to approach your gateman to show him your exeat

    Guy, calm down.

    8. Trying to explain to him that you have an exeat to go out

    Not under my watch.

    9. So you have to start “toasting” him

    Oga Samuel! The one and only! How is the family now?

    10. So he starts cracking jokes and telling you his life story

    Oh my God! Not today again.

    11. When he is threatening to report you to the principal

    Please abeg, what have I done?

    12. And then he finally tells you “anything for the children”

    So you could not say that one since.