Sex Life: I Didn’t Realise I Could Say No To Sex

July 10, 2021

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.


The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 26-year-old bisexual man who talks about being sexually abused as a kid and how that led his developing a sexual addiction and finding it hard to say ‘no’ to sex. He talks about dealing with his sexual addiction, going celibate and eventually finding love and maintaining a healthy sex life.

What was your first sexual experience?

My first sexual experience wasn’t consensual. My mum had this sales girl who sometimes slept in our house and ate with us and stuff. One day, when I was around ten, she made me put my hand in her vagina and finger her. And it kept happening. She would come over and instruct me on what to do, with my hands and with my penis. I couldn’t even get hard then, so I have no idea why she wanted me to do it.

I’m so sorry.

Yeah. It went on for almost two years, then my mum found out and was so mad. She wanted to beat the girl, but she ran away. My mum tried calling the girl’s people; they said they hadn’t seen her. 

I was and still am so grateful to my mum for that. She protected me from what could have gone on for even longer and reacted in a way that made me know I hadn’t done anything wrong, and I could talk to her about sensitive things.

That’s amazing. Shout out to your mum. Do you think being sexually abused affected your sex life?

I do. I became so fascinated and obsessed with sex and sexual things. From like 15, I watched way too many pornos, read porn comic strips, hentai etc. I was a little bit too excited about anything sexual. When I started having sex on my own, it kinda went into another realm.

Explain…

I had consensual sex for the first time at 17. This was after secondary school and before uni. I was home for a year, and attending computer class. I was close to a girl in class, and one day, our teacher, didn’t show. Her house was close, so we decided to go there. One thing led to another, and we had sex at her house. 

After that, we started a habit of missing classes to go to her house when her parents weren’t around to have sex.

I became curious about sex with almost everyone I met. And right after this period, I had some big changes in my life. I moved to Abuja for university, my mum finally let me have a phone and I realised I was bisexual.

Oh?

It’s funny. I always found guys as attractive as I found girls, but it was when I moved to Abuja that I met people who made me understand what that was and what I meant.

So what was your sex life in university?

Let me set the scene for you: I got into uni at 18, a brand new adult, away from my mother for the first time, a brand new bisexual ID card and unattended trauma. To worsen the matter, my grades were great and I was good looking. All I can say is, for the duration of my university education, I had a busy sex life.

Can I get more details?

People wanted to sleep with me and I was always down.  I was very experimental and didn’t say no to sexual experiences. At one point, I was having a new person sleepover at my off-campus apartment at least twice or thrice a week. I discovered 2go and Badoo and started hooking up with guys, then girls from school. It was a lot of sex.

Why didn’t you say no? Did you just not want to say no or didn’t feel like you could?

I didn’t even realise that I could say no. The thought of saying “no” didn’t cross my mind. 

I wanted to sleep with some people, don’t get me wrong. But a lot of the sex that I had wasn’t because I wanted to. It was because the people I was sleeping with wanted to. Abuse and rape damage you in ways that you don’t even realise.

That’s heartbreaking. What was it like after uni?

For a while, it was mostly the same. I think I developed a bit of sexual addiction — a lot of sex, a lot of sex parties. Then I met my girlfriend. I consider her my very first girlfriend because she was the first partner I had an emotional connection with. She was also the first person I tried to be monogamous with.

How did that play out?

Horribly. We dated for about four months, then I ended things because I felt really bad. I couldn’t stop sleeping with other people. I hated being in a place where I couldn’t control myself. So a few months after we broke up, I went celibate.

How long were you celibate for? 

A year and six months. It was horrible and great at the same time.

Can you explain?

It forced me to deal with my trauma and establish boundaries and learn how to say no. That wasn’t easy and required so much work, maturity and strength from me, my friends and loved ones. But It was great because I felt more in control of my life and myself for the first time. 

Did you go back to dating after you ended your celibacy?

Yeah, I did a bit of casual dating. Then I met my boyfriend — who I am still with.

What’s your sex life like now?

Very moderate and healthy. My boyfriend and I have been together for two years, and it has been great. I am at a place where I understand myself and my body and know how to say yes and no. My partner and I are experimental, so we occasionally bring other people to bed just for the fun of it. Other than that, it’s great sex and with me in control of myself and what happens to my body.

That sounds amazing.

It is.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your sex life right now?

10. I’m very happy with it. I’ve found a great balance and I’m having great sex so there’s nothing to complain about.

Desmond

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