If “WAP” Was A Nigerian Song

August 29, 2020

Ever since WAP was released, a lot of hot takes have happened. The song has also topped charts, despite the hot takes and everything accompanying its release.

But can you imagine WAP as a Nigerian song? Well, we can. And here’s what would happen if it was one.

1. For starters, it would be sung by Saint Janet, not Cardi B.

The title would be something like “Ariya WAP“. Or “Obo Tutu.” If you don’t understand what that is, please ask a friend to tell you. I will not be the one to lead you into sin.

2. There would be a remix, and it would feature Naira Marley, not Megan Thee Stallion.

Naira Marley will now add lyrics like:

To ba doko ma l’ole, WAP.
Even me I get WAP, WAP.
Omoge shey you go wap?
Oya, wa ba mi n’ile, make I no go do soapy.
WAP

3. The lyrics will then annoy the morality police in Nigeria.

I won’t mention names, but expect a LOT of tweets on how Nigerian youths have lost focus to concentrate on fruitless things like sex. (As if sex does not produce fruits when fertilization occurs).

4. Sha, the song will not be played on radio.

But Nigerians like bad-bad things, so the lyrics video will gather an insane number of views, and it will trend for days.

5. Because they have coconut heads, Saint Janet and Naira Marley will shoot a video for the song.

Ladies in bikini, a lot of soap water, synthetic eyelashes, Naira Marley with a beltless trouser, Saint Janet serving retired Sugar Mummy realness.

Vision board for the WAP video

6. The National Film and Video Censors Board will now vex and kuku ban the video.

And for reasons beyond human explanation, Naira Marley will be declared wanted by law enforcement agencies. Yes, Naira Marley is almost always having an issue with them, but imagine being arrested on top of WAP. Ordinary WAP.

7. By the way, the locals will jam the song until it becomes irritating.

Fuji remix will be in excess. DJ 4kasibe, DJ Lamba, DJ JiMasun will produce mixtapes with it, and one of these DJs will play it at somebody’s wedding ceremony where the entire crowd will go wild and leave there wondering if the bride has a WAP and how did the DJ know this.

It’s all going to be a mess, really. But in 10 years time, WAP will be resurrected on Twitter as a meme.


Here’s something else you’ll like: If Nigerian Mothers Were In The BBNaija House

And something from the Jada and Will Smith entanglement palaver: If Will Smith and Jada Smith Were A Nigerian Couple

You'll like this

Kunle Ologunro

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

Watch

Now on Zikoko

September 19, 2020

People have different opinions about animals. To others, some animals are cute and adorable, but to Nigerians, they’re the fucking devil. Here’s a list of some animals that Nigerians believe to have ties with Lucifer, the devil. 1. Cats Have you met cats? Those bastards are fucking cute and absolutely fun to be around. The […]

September 19, 2020

A three-story school building has collapsed in the Iyana-Ejigbo area of Lagos. In a statement on its official Twitter account, the Lagos State Emergency Management Agency (LASEMA) confirmed that Excel College, located at 15, Ansarudeen Street, Ile-Epo Bus-Stop, Ejigbo, collapsed at 8:15am this Staurday, 19th September, 2020. Fortunately, nobody was trapped, and no injuries or […]

Recommended Quizzes

April 14, 2020

Every friend group consists of very different and specific characters — from the parent to the fun one — and it can be a little tough figuring out where you fall. So, we’ve created a quiz that lets you know exactly what kind of friend you are. Take to find out:

how tall are you
March 11, 2020

Did your parents give you enough beans when you were growing up? If they did, then you’re probably around 6’0″ and above. Either way, we created a quiz that can guess your current height (pretty accurately, if we do say so ourselves). Take to see if we nailed it:

November 7, 2019

These days, everyone is always talking about how much sex they’re getting, or how little sex they’re getting, or how disgusting sex is etc. There’s just so much talk about sex, it’s almost impossible to know who’s lying and who’s telling the truth. In anticipation of our new series about the sex lives of young […]

More from Pop

September 17, 2020

We get it. Your voice is sweet. When you sing, people start crying. Your pastor said you’re destined for greatness because you drove the congregation mad during praise and worship. But is your voice making you money? That is the important question. If it’s not, you’re wasting it. Here are 5 ways you can use […]

September 16, 2020

Even if you live under a rock, you probably know that the contestants from this year’s Big Brother are pretty popular. Because I want to look for trouble, I’m going to rank this season’s housemates in order of personal preference. Enjoy: 10. Vee and Neo The Bonnie and Clyde of the season deserve a joint […]

September 15, 2020

If you’ve been following this year’s Big Brother show then you’ve probably had 5 or 6 moments where you thought Big Brother sounded a lot like an average Nigerian parent. Here are 5 of those times; 1. Adding “immediately” to his sentences. “Move to the garden immediately”. Because he can’t yell like a typical Nigerian […]

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.
February 6, 2020
Who doesn't want to find love? In our bid to help, we paired up a bunch of single Nigerians, sending them on an all-expense paid date, and interviewing them before and after they met.
January 27, 2020
Nigerians Talk is what happened when a motley crew of young Nigerians were put in front of a camera and asked a bunch of apparently random questions about life, love, money and more.
September 24, 2019
A group of Zikoko staff go on a road trip to every mainland country in ECOWAS West Africa

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X