Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

Why is Harmattan still making an appearance in Lagos even after we all said goodbye to it? Today on Interview With, Harmattan itself sits down to tell us why it keeps appearing like a thief in the night.

Yes, it appeared like a thief in our office too. We planned another interview, but Harmattan came in and took over from them because it had things to get off its chest. 

[Harmattan enters unexpectedly and Zikoko office fills up with dust.]

[Harmattan balances on a chair. Zikoko rushes to grab Vaseline, lip gloss, and face mask.]

Zikoko: [Confused] Um, good morning. Where are you coming from, please?

Harmattan: What business of yours is that? Who are you to police my movement?

Zikoko: Ah, no oh. I’m just surprised.

Harmattan: Surprised about what?

Zikoko: That you are in Lagos, in our office for that matter.

Harmattan: Why are you shocked?

Zikoko: The thing is, we already said goodbye to you weeks ago.

Harmattan: And I have decided to come back like a thief in the night. 

Zikoko: Um, this is the daytime…

Harmattan: Okay, what’s the big deal in that? As for the question of why I’m here in your office, I have things to say, and I know you interview different things, so I have decided to bring my case here.

Zikoko: But we already invited another object in here for today’s interview.

Harmattan: Okay then, send me out of your office and Lagos people will have to endure me until March. Thank God you know how hard it is to find an apartment in this Lagos. I’ll simply move around and sleep anywhere I see so I can keep tormenting you from wherever. By the time your lips start to bleed, and your skin starts to turn ashy because body creams cannot compete with me, you will look back on this moment and wish you had interviewed me in peace.

[Harmattan rises to leave]

Zikoko: Haba, Harmattan, don’t be angry. Oya sit down, we will interview you.

Harmattan: Are you sure?

Zikoko: Very sure. Interviewing you is for the good of the whole country and the people who live in it. 

Harmattan: Good.

Zikoko: So, what brought you back here?

Harmattan: You see, I was not even supposed to leave in the first place. I have a routine that I follow. I enter the country from like the beginning of December. People will feel me, but not so much. It’s just as a sign that they are in the festive season, that’s all. 

Zikoko: Okay…

Harmattan: But once December passes and the new year comes in, I launch into operation. I usually like to visit other states first: Ondo, Enugu, Kano, Oyo, etc. Those ones welcome me with open arms, and my work isn’t so difficult. I enter, spread my coldness around their city and when I’ve done enough, I gather myself and leave. 

Zikoko: So when do you now enter Lagos?

Harmattan: [Deep sigh]

I like to enter Lagos like a thief in the night. That’s the best way I can function.

Zikoko: Ahan, why?

Harmattan: The heat generated by fornication is too much. Let me tell you something, do you know that when people bump genitals together, their action generates a high level of heat?

Zikoko: Come through, Mummy G.O.

Harmattan: I’m not joking.  Each person carries a divine heat that belongs to them alone. Why do you think your temperature rises sometimes?

Anyway, when they carry this heat and combine it with another person’s heat, there is a direct attack on my powers as Harmattan. And it would have been nice if it was just those two people. But you people in Lagos fornicate too much. Ha. Everywhere you go, sex is happening. Now multiply this level of heat from body to body to body to body. When I enter Lagos in December like this, I lose my powers instantly.

Zikoko: That’s… strange. Must be those IJGBs. You know they usually enter Lagos in December.

Harmattan: I don’t even care anymore. IJGB oh, actual resident oh, everybody must collect. That’s why me too I like to play it smart. I disappear and make them think they have seen the end of me. Before they know it, I suddenly appear again with plenty power. Since they have said they will use fornication to prevent me from functioning well, me too I will shock them.

Zikoko: And has this been effective in stopping fornication so far?

Harmattan: Mr Interviewer, you know Lagosians now. Can anything stop them? Rain falls, they will say, “Weather for two” and enter it to collect knacks. Too much sun, they will carry umbrella and say they need knacks to cool them down. Is it now harmattan that will stop them?

Fornication is in the DNA of every human being, but you see Lagosians, their entire DNA is made of fornication. And now that I have realised that, I’m working on how to tackle it.

Zikoko: How so?

Harmattan: Instead of making them cold enough to crave fornication, I’ll increase my intensity so it can look like they’re in Canada. Maybe I’ll even throw in a little ice blocks for extra effects. By the time you put your bath water outside and it becomes frozen solid in less than two minutes, everybody will sit up straight. 

Zikoko: Hmm but don’t you think that’s a little cruel?

Harmattan: Desperate times call for desperate measures. Harmattan that is supposed to prepare you for Canada, you are using it to fornicate. And some people will wonder why they are not succeeding.

Since they have chosen the difficult way, me too I have chosen to meet them there. 

Zikoko: How about—

Harmattan: Don’t even try to get me to change my mind. 

[Christmas Lights enter]

Christmas Lights: Sorry we are late oh.

Harmattan: Who are these ones?

Zikoko: They are the ones I was supposed to interview before you took their spot.

Harmattan: Sorry to them. Why are you interviewing them anyway? Has Christmas not passed?

Zikoko: Yes, that’s why I want to interview them.

Christmas Lights: We want to come and speak about how people leave us to hang on Christmas trees long after Christmas is over.

Harmattan: Shouldn’t you be happy? You come out just once in a year and you’re complaining about being left out on a tree for too long.

Christmas Lights: There is nothing interesting about being hung from a tree like a low budget Jesus Christ.

Zikoko: Let’s move on from that, please. Why are you late?

Christmas Lights: One guy and his girlfriend used us a cover and started having sex behind us. There was no way we could move from the tree without alerting attention and making people realise that we are Christmas Lights that can move.

Zikoko: Wait a minute. Somebody in this Lagos used a Christmas tree as a cover and started doing hot fok in public?

Christmas Lights: The babe even held the tree as they were—

Zikoko: No, that’s enough.

Harmattan: When I said fornication is in the DNA of Lagosians, you thought I was playing.

Zikoko: I don’t even know what to say anymore.

Harmattan: Say nothing. It’s time for me to turn up the volume. These people’s mentality must change.

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

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