The Zikoko Guide to Becoming a Baller 

September 22, 2022

Apparently, everyone wants to be a baller and not a mechanic. I’m here to tell you how you can do that. But first, I need people to understand mechanics are actually ballers. Especially during the rainy season when the floods destroy people’s cars. They’re eating good. Hmmm, maybe I do want to be a mechanic? 

Anyway, since it’s just a baller you want to be, here’s what you need to do: 

Beg your village people 

You may be destined to be a baller, but your village people are holding you back. You must travel to the village to appease them so they can set you free. Only then can your true calling be fulfilled. 

Become a wedding vendor 

Wedding vendors enjoy life the most. Makeup artists charge ₦250k for bridal makeup, and you think they’re not balling? Do you know the number of people that get married throughout the year? Whether it’s the DJ or baker… as long as they provide services for weddings, they’re ballers. This is your secret. 

Date or be a Nigerian woman 

Nigerian women have money, let me just tell you. They’re the real ballers. If they tell you they don’t have money, they’re lying. If you’re not a Nigerian woman, then date one. 

RELATED: Dear Men, Here’s How to Start Billing Nigerian Women

Get a glucose guardian 

It’s not your daily 9-5 salary that’ll make you a baller, let’s not lie. The way for you to enjoy life properly is to get a sugar daddy who doesn’t have anything to do with their money. The type who’ll send you to the Maldives when you complain about stress. 

Become a footballer 

Footballers are literal ballers. They kick around a ball on the pitch and get paid a lot of money for it. They’re balling on and off the pitch. 

Be born to generational wealth 

Yes, you need to be born again. I don’t know how that’ll happen; you decide which way you want to go back. But when you meet the angel who assigns people to families, make sure you find a way for them to put you with a family with generational wealth. If that doesn’t work, an easier way is to find a family yourself and beg them to adopt you. Or you can marry into the family.

Become a tech bro 

Everybody knows tech bros are balling hard. Just become one of them, and you’re good to go, as long as you understand UI/UK and snake programming language. We don’t know how long it’ll take for your balling money to come sha o. 

Behave like a baller 

What’s that thing people like to do again? Fake it till they make it, exactly. That’s what you need to do. If you act like whatever your definition of a baller is, you’ll become one before you know it. 

Become a Nigerian politician 

Our politicians are the ogas of the ballers sef. How many ballers have over ten cars like our dear Senator Dino Melaye? You can become a Nigerian politician and ball without even stealing money. 

Become a mechanic 

With the kind of roads we have in Nigeria, mechanics are actually the ones balling. As you read this, I’m sure someone somewhere has just called their mechanic to complain about their carburetor. 


ALSO READ: 5 Ways To Increase Your Chances Of Enjoyment In Life

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