The 10 Stages Of Becoming A Nigerian Politician

October 24, 2020

Becoming a Nigerian politician is a long and tedious process many people are unwilling to go through. But we’ve hacked it for you and broken it down into these 10 simple steps so that you can become a Nigerian politician and start living your best life.

1. You have to start by becoming a political activist.

Call out corrupt politicians on every platform possible and amass a large following. Renounce politics and all politicians because they are the devil’s spawn. Make it clear that you’d rather sell your kidney than become one of them.

2. When you’ve become a very well known activist and a voice of the people, use your popularity to collect political appointment from the same people you were criticising.

After you collect your appointment jump through hoops to defend your appointees and blame everything on the previous government. Rain is falling too much? The previous government embezzled the money that was meant to pay rainmakers to hold the rain.

3. Now, start making promises that you have no intention of ever keeping.

You will give Nigerians 24/7 light and free WiFi. You will build 20 schools in one week. You will reduce the exchange rate to $1 to ₦1. With you, corruption shall go to an early grave.

4. As you progress in your political career decide whether it’s broom or umbrella you want to be carrying.

There are 68 political parties in Nigeria but you know the fastest way to get a post is to carry broom or umbrella.

5. Next find yourself a godfather or godmother to sponsor your career.

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You think political campaigns are cheap? Better be ready to drop it down low so you can get sponsorship.

6. Practice your fighting skills especially if you are gunning for a place in the National Assembly.

Maybe ask Uncle Dino for some tips.

7. You have to show Nigerians that you are one of them.

You might be worth millions of (laundered) naira but that doesn’t mean you will stop taking okada or buying corn on the road like the average Nigerian.

The script is to act like you feel their plight, so get in character and act like your life depends on it.

8. As a politician you also need to get yourself security by whatever means.

Hire cultists, militants or religious extremists. What’s your business if they end up becoming a terrorist group because you funded them.

9. You have to get your wardrobe on check too. Get a tailor to sew plenty agbadas for you.

Only make white. White is the colour of serious politicians.

10. Once a year share bags of rice to a few people and take a thousand pictures.

Bathroom slippers too isn’t a bad idea. Depends on the kind of message you intend to pass.

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Any time Nigerians accuse you of not doing your job publish the pictures online to show them that you are a very hardworking politician.

Now that we’ve shown you the way go forth and flourish as the baby girl or baby boy politician we know you have the potential to be.

Toketemu Ohwovoriole

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