There are men, and there are alpha males. One of the easiest ways for people to identify you as an alpha male is for you to do these nine things.

1) Never use an umbrella

Alpha males allow rain to flog them like someone that stole meat from the market. It is emasculating for any real alpha male to walk around with an umbrella. If you get a cold, remind the cold of who you are, and watch it disappear. Even colds recognise alphas.

2) Chapstick is your worst enemy

How can an alpha male have moisturized lips? The more cracked your lips, the stronger of an alpha you are. This is because the cracked lips represent the difficult roads you have gone through to come out strong.

3) The ashier the knees, the better

Moisturizer is such a feminine trait. Everyone knows that alpha males don’t moisturize their knees. Moisturized knees is a sign of weakness.

4) Only know how to cook noodles

Cooking is an important life skill, but back in the day, alphas did not cook. Now, however, since you are a progressive man and you realise that everyone needs to know how to cook, you must have perfected the art of making noodles.

Alpha male doings

5) Provide

A good Alpha male must be a provider. Nobody cares who you are providing for or what you provide. Just provide.

6) Don’t drink cocktails

The more bitter and tasteless your drink is, the more masculine you are. Only women drink fruity drinks. A real Alpha doesn’t drink colourful drinks.

7) Be the head

No matter what the situation you find yourself in is like, always beat your chest three times and proclaim you are the head. Only true Alphas can be the head even when they have a boss.

8) Do not wash your ass

The smell from your unwashed ass is what notifies the people around you that they are in the presence of an Alpha male.

9) Enter staring competitions with strangers

The best way to assert your dominance as an alpha is to stare down random people. Whoever looks away first is clearly the weaker person.

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