Nigerian politicians can be many things: dramatic as hell, disappointing and scandalous. Incidentally, so are a lot of Bible characters from a million generations ago. We can’t even be sure that Nigerian politicians aren’t directly taking inspiration from them.
In the spirit of Easter, we look at Bible characters that could very well make it as Nigerian politicians if they existed in 2022.
This man publicly denied Jesus Christ three times only hours after swearing they were going to be BFFs for life. You know he’s the type of Nigerian politician that would promise free education to get himself elected. Once in office, you can forget it because he’d deny he ever made that promise. Unless you can get a rooster to crow near him or something.
Methuselah lived 969 years on earth, and you just know Nigeria would have a Not-Too-Old-To-Run law if he was alive today. Just like Methuselah refused to die for a long time, Nigerian politicians don’t know when to stop. They can sit in the National Assembly for 20 years or keep running for the same presidential position for 30 years.
Saul of Tarsus was extremely anti-Christian before his dramatic conversion to Christianity, which prompted his change of name to Paul. This makes him tailor-made for Nigerian politics where politicians jump from one party to the next.
A Nigerian politician — Saul today, Paul tomorrow
The difference between Paul’s time and now is that the defection process for Nigerian politicians doesn’t always involve temporary blindness. But that would be cool to see.
A ruthless ruler whose military gets away with the massacre of innocent young people based on paranoia? King Herod wouldn’t find it hard at all to make it as a Nigerian politician.
Deborah was kind of like a politician in her day. She’s the only female judge mentioned in the Bible, which makes her a rare breed. Thousands of years later, she’d have the same status in Nigerian politics where women are barely represented in public office. There’s never been an elected female governor, or president or vice president. Attempts to improve the representation of women in politics is also meeting a lot of resistance. But every now and then, you get a Deborah.
This man will stab you in the back while also kissing your cheeks. Definitely a bribe-taking Nigerian politician that claims to be your friend.
Ananias and Sapphira
Not much is known about Ananias and Sapphira other than that they were a couple that tried to cheat the Lord by holding back some of the proceeds of a sale. As Nigerian politicians, you just know they’re the type to award a ₦1 billion contract and pocket ₦700 million, preferably stuffed inside their babariga. And rather than the instant death they got in the Bible, they’d just keep
rigging winning elections in Nigeria.
*Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events, is purely coincidental.
It may look like this article is really just bagging on Nigerian politicians, but every now and then, you get a decent leader like Joseph. He’s visionary, has lofty dreams and saves for the rainy day. It’s such a shame others that’ll come after him will piss away his legacy. Also went to prison before he became a leader, just like some Nigerian politicians.
Jacob’s deception of his father, Isaac, to receive the blessings meant for his brother, Esau, is one of the Bible’s earliest fraud stories. And Esau selling his birthright to Jacob in exchange for a plate of porridge reads exactly like the vote-selling that occurs around Nigerian elections today.
Eve’s hunger for power to be as knowledgeable as God convinced her to eat the forbidden fruit. And when she was caught, she didn’t take full responsibility for her actions. Instead, she blamed an animal for it. She has all the makings of a Nigerian politician that’d blame past administrations for her current failures.
You can imagine Samson gets elected into office because he boasts he can solve insecurity on account of his six-pack. But the only thing he’s wrestling while he’s in office is the sin of the flesh. Safe to say he’s caught up in at least one sex scandal.
What does a Nigerian politician have that this entity does not possess? Is it the sweet mouth? The proclivity for self-sabotage? The cunning? The arrogance? Or the dashing personality? Give Lucifer public office and watch him create hell for the people that voted for him.