Easter | Zikoko!

I won’t get into the details of why eggs are synonymous with Easter celebrations, but they somehow symbolise the re-emergence of Christ. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s focus on some lesser-celebrated iconic eggs.

The egg of life

This egg was highly slept on until Nollywood showed us the light in 2003. We can’t say we know how you can lay your hands on this magical egg that has the power to raise the dead but start by going to Google with the search query: “Where’s the nearest evil forest?”

The egg of wealth AKA Ọ̀fọ̀rọ̀ Ndụ́

This egg is the second most GOATED egg of all time. It’s on some magical shit that brings prosperity and blessings to anyone who receives it. How to find it? We don’t know.

The egg Ghanaians always eat

Even if you dig beneath the crux of Mother Earth and hide yourself in a thick-as-fuck bunker, you’ll still hear about the exploits of the Ghanaian egg. Last we heard of it, it made a surprise appearance inside meat pie.

The eggs that were put in one basket

These eggs are so famed for bad luck that they have a huge reputation in global academia as a warning sign. Ask anyone about Idioms, and these eggs will appear quicker than you can spell “fry”.

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And the ones used for sacrifice

They’re the black sheep of the worldwide egg family for three reasons: They roll with gods and jinns, they’re never clothed, and they’re unnecessarily scary.

The egg that married bread

Think of Romeo and Juliet’s story, and you’ll understand why this egg is famous. Yup, this egg is a hopeless romantic.

And the one that eloped with Yam

Rumour has it that yam was betrothed to red oil until this egg appeared. Yam and egg continue to live happily to this day. Just ask Sabi Girl Ayra.

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The eggs all men protect

These eggs are famous for being the only known identical twins in the egg world. They’re fragile AND they have the special ability to produce life.

READ NEXT: The Meaning of Easter and How It Affects My Faith
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Easter may not be as lively as Christmas, but it comes with days away from capitalism, so enjoy it in these fun and uncomplicated ways.

Palm Sunday swag

It’s normal to make crosses out of palm leaves during Easter. But do you remember how we hung the palm cross around our necks like chains? Yeah, you’re not too old to do that and even rock it all day. Feeling like a kid again is fun; you should try it.

Sing a special number at church

See it as an open mic to sing about Christ’s death or resurrection. The applause that’ll come after will have you feeling like a superstar.

Family drama group

Gather your family and set up the stage in your living room. You can act as Judas Iscariot, Mary, Jesus or one of the two thieves beside him. Not only would you give the rundown of one of the most dramatic Christian stories, but you’ll also strengthen your family bond. What’s better than that?

Sunday night parade

Join your church members to sing and drum in the middle of the night to announce that Christ has arisen from death. It’s outside, fun and cheap.

Food exchange

Where’s the fun in cooking jollof rice or frejon in your house and not sharing it with neighbours and friends?

Lock in with family

What’s better than spending time with your family this Easter, with all the laughter, cooking and chores? It’s what Mary and Joseph would’ve wanted, if Jesus didn’t have to sacrifice for a big mission.

Sleep

It’s completely fine if all you want to do is sleep throughout the Easter period. It’s a short window to recuperate for your capitalist overlords.

Forget Rice, Eat These 7 Bible-Inspired Meals This Easter
Thinking of what to do for these two days? We’ve got you covered.
Everybody likes to bash Ju-ju baby, and understandably so. But as the princess of Africow once said:

James Brown: “You don't throw stone at glass house when you know your father might be there.” pic.twitter.com/PoFMM8GOUm
— find a reaction (@findareaction) December 21, 2022

This isn’t a case to justify Ju-ju with the backstabbing juju’s actions, but as you go around dragging him like Tiger gen, do it with the awareness that there’s probably a sprinkle of Judas Iscariot’s bad character in you.

He was envious

Judas was a fake friend to Jesus — as fake as ₦15k Adidas slides. He put the “j” in jealousy simply because Jesus was a better person than him. If your friend gets something you’ve always wanted, it’s okay to sit with that jealousy for a minute. But if you decide to pull a Judas, anything your eyes see, let your hands carry.

He was a traitor

Jesus carried that man from Jerusalem to Galilee, but he turned around and sold him out for 30 small pieces of silver? Well, you sell out secrets, put innocent people in a wrong light and slide into their relationships unprovoked.

Once a crime is involved though, we’re going to need you to open your mouth and traitor like you’ve never traitored before.

He was greedy AF

Look, he was in the Mo’Hits Records of his time — besties with Jesus, touring the world together. Heck, he was eating the disciples’ money too.

Judas could’ve continued enjoying that life, but they dangled a bag of precious metal in his face, told him to jump and he asked, “How high?”But let me tell you, if they serve you food in a mixing bowl and you finish everything or you eat more than two eggs at once, Judas is your daddy.

He was a liar

Judas was at the last supper when Jesus declared, “One of you will betray me.” All the disciples went around asking, “Is it me, Jesus?” and he had the guts to join them?

A lying liar. The devil was caught shaking.

You might be one too sha. A white lie is still a lie, so the next time your friend asks where you are, and you tell them, five minutes away when you’ve just stepped out the bathroom, hold your hand to your chest and say, “Judas Iscariot, is that you?”

He was a hypocrite

Judas claimed to be a disciple, a follower of Jesus, and most likely went around preaching to people. Then he turned around and did everything he and his besties preached against.

We don’t make the rules, but if you say you eat beans and refuse gbegiri, then you and the man who led Jesus to the grave might have something in common.

He was a thief

Politicians learnt their work from Judas. This man was treasurer of the disciples, but instead of thanking God every day for the opportunity and serving diligently, he treated the holy money like his personal stash. Now, if you ‘fapped’ pens in high school, if you keep that ₦50 change that rightfully belongs to your mother, if you also take small meat from her pot without permission, you and Judas just might be twinning.

He felt remorse

He wasn’t necessarily sorry he’d sold his oga and friends out, but he felt bad it led to Jesus’ death.

If you don’t feel any remorse at all for your bad behaviour, it simply means you’ve surpassed Judas’ level, and you’re now dining with principalities and powers.
The Bible says, “He was buried and raised from the dead on the third day”.

But what if Jesus decided the suffering human beings had put Him through during the 33 years of His human existence was enough, and He wanted to rest for two extra days?

Jesus knew the time was now. It’d been three days since they dragged Him through the city and treated Him like He’d gone into their homes and stolen all the money they didn’t have.

He’s the light of the world, but where was that light coming from?

Voice: Psstt, psssttt.

He closed His eyes tighter, willing the voice away.

Much better.

But…

Jesus sighed and closed his eyes again.

Angel: Ah. Sir, abeg. It’s Your Daddy that sent me oo.

Jesus:

Angel: It is time.

Jesus: I’m not doing.

Angel: Hmm?

Jesus: Shebi you did not see the way I carried that cross? And they still flogged Me on top.

Angel: Sir…

Jesus: Look at My hand.

No, just see the hole they chook inside My hand. I need to rest, abeg.

Angel: Master Jesus, but it’s been three days.

Jesus: Ehen? I used the three days to conquer death and collect the keys of that fire fire place.

The fire fire place

Angel: Sir…

Jesus: Shhh

They hear female voices, and the angel moves toward the stone at the entrance of the tomb.

Jesus: If you…

Everyone stands still.

The stone starts moving, and Jesus places his hand on it to still it.

Angel (in a whisper): It’s the Marys and Salome, Sir.

They hear a basket drop and hurried feet moving away from the tomb.

Jesus: Shebi you can see what you’ve done?

Mary Magdalene, Salome and Mary, the mother of James, walk quietly towards the city.

Salome: What if…

Mary, the mother of James: Shhh

Salome: Ahn ahn

Salome walks fast to stand in front of them.

Salome: Please, we heard what we heard. You know there’s nothing He cannot do.

What if Jesus is awake?

Strangers on the street stop to stare at them…

…before running off.

Mary Magdalene:

Salome: Sorry.

Jesus wanted to rest, that was all. But two days after Salome and the Marys visited, no one was letting Him be. Three more angels had come to “watch over” Him, and the humans had turned His tomb into a tourist attraction.

So the rest He was trying to rest had touched the hem of His own garment, developed strength like no other and turned around to bite Him.

Jesus: Zikoko, I can hear you oo.

He’d learnt His lesson, and it was time to get back to work.

Jesus could hear them coming.

He stood up from His spot on the ground.

Jesus:

Shall we?

The disciples, Salome and the Marys stand in front of the now-open tomb.

Salome drops to her knees.

Salome:

Mary Magdalene:

Jesus stands behind the group, peeking into the tomb as well.

Jesus: What are we looking at?
We know nothing beats party rice, and with Easter Sunday coming up this week, the Nigerian in you is itching to make yet another pot of jollof. Don’t.

Try these other iconic meals instead:

Sardine bread

If you paid any attention in Sunday school as a child, you’d know the disciples loved bread; it’s all they ate at their gatherings. So what better meal to celebrate this special occasion than bread and fish AKA sardine bread?

Porridge

Jollof rice is great, but the fact that nobody sold their birthright for a plate of it shows you how lowkey basic it is. At least, with porridge, there’s variety — yam, plantain, beans, potato. You better give porridge a chance this season.

Salad

Before Daniel landed in the lion’s den, what was he eating? Vegetable and legumes, Ma. Who knows, maybe that’s why the lion refused to eat him. Yet, here you are, complaining about the shege Nigeria is showing you when all you eat is rice.

Related: You Already Love These 8 Foods, But Have You Tried Them in a Salad?

Corn

We know we made fun of agbado in 2022, but if Pharaoh had been so pressed about losing his grains, then maybe we should put some respect on it. You can even pair it with beans and dodo.

Wheat and efo riro

Considering how many times wheat was mentioned in the Bible, figuratively and literally, it’s clear that it’s an important meal. And when you add vegetable? Somebody please shout, “Hallelujah”.

Lamb chops

You just received your salary, so you can afford to splurge this period. Just pair some lamb chops with a bottle of ~~water~~ wine as you celebrate this special holiday. That’s how they would’ve done it in Jesus’ time.

Creamy pasta

Okay, they may not have eaten this one in the Bible, but with how much easier they could access cheese and milk, it was only a matter of time till one of the four Marys discovered creamy pasta. Take it from us.

READ NEXT: Easter Is Near, but Let’s Agree to NOT Use These Wishes This Year
If there’s one thing Nigerians love, it’s sending wishes and greetings for everything. New month? Wishes. New week? Wishes.

We’re not saying sending greetings for a prominent event like Easter is bad, though. We’re just tired of seeing these particular ones.

Anything containing “arose/arosen”

Every Easter, the evil spirit behind typos increases its work rate and suspends everyone’s autocorrect. So for everyone’s safety, let’s just agree to stay away from the verb, “rise”.

“He has paid your debt”

If you decide to use “He” instead of “Jesus”, then my assumption that you’re referring to someone paying off my literal debt is on you. Emewiele has turned us all into money hunters. Don’t play.

“Death could not hold Christ down, so nothing will hold you down”

Please, only send this to people who’ve japa. Because plenty of things are holding us down in this Nigeria. Don’t remind us of our pain on such a joyful day.

Anything that references “Easter eggs”

Shade, did your mummy take you to Sunday school every week for you to grow up and start talking about Easter eggs? Please, keep that western nonsense out of this ethnic household. Also, bunnies are mammals, so the whole thing is definitely sus.

“Have a wonderful celebration”

Maybe it’s just me, but when I hear “celebration”, I immediately think “outside activities”. With which cash, dear?

“Wishing you renewed hope this season”

Renewed hope sounds suspiciously similar to a certain Baba Blue’s campaign slogan. It’s giving PTSD.

Anything that involves billing

Easter is a time for sober reflection, please. And no, it’s not just because there’s no money anywhere.

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People always say, “Don’t pit two bad queens against one another”, but since we love chaos over here, we just had to. While Christmas is a fun holiday filled with rocks and enjoyment, there’s something about Easter that just makes it the superior girl. When you really think about it, being raised from the dead is a bigger flex than being born.

Here are other reasons why Easter is just a much better holiday than Christmas.

1. You don’t have to travel anywhere

Imagine travelling anywhere in these hard times. With which money? One major reason why we love Easter is that it’s a very stress-free holiday. You get time off from work, and you don’t have to spend half of that time planning a trip or packing a bag. We stan a flexible queen.

2. Probably the cheapest holiday that involves Jesus

Omo, Christmas is expensive. Let’s not even pretend. Christmas spending and preparations start the moment we start breathing in the cool December air. You have to buy new fits, send money to your family, pay for your journey back home, and it’s not even your birthday. But with Easter, all you need is your house, a bottle of wine, one chicken and two cups of rice. Very simple and cost-effective.

3. Church praise and worship will slap extra because the holy spirit is in the air

Celebrating the birth of a child is cute, but you see the resurrection of someone who allegedly died for three days. Come on, that’s a milestone mehn. While Christmas praise and worship do usually slap, the one you’ll experience at Easter service bangs harder than a Davido feature (sorry OBO, the game is the game).

4. The sermon is not too long

Easter church services are not like Christmas church services where the pastor’s sermon is longer than two Indian films. This time around, the pastor understands that this is not a long holiday and we’re all trying to make the most out of it, so he’ll do his best to respect himself. If your pastor doesn’t follow this rule, stand up mid-service and start singing “Time no dey” from Runtown and Uhuru’s The Banger. Don’t worry, God will understand.

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5. You get to hang out with the family members you actually like

Since you’re not travelling back home, there’s a very small chance you’ll run into that nosy auntie that’s always asking about your imaginary husband. For Easter, you get to trim your invite list. Unlike Christmas where people can legitimately claim to be pissed you didn’t invite them to your party, Easter vibes are pretty chill, so you can invite the people who make you happy and the others can choke.

6. No need for unnecessary decorations

Christmas tree? We don’t know her. Light, sparkles and socks? Not here, please. No need to stress yourself setting up or taking down decorations. Complete peace of mind.

7. Plenty of time to catch up on Zikoko content without distractions

Unlike Christmas where you’re constantly distracted by all the relatives you have to greet, or all the plates you have to wash, Easter is more peaceful and less hectic. Do you know what that means? You can catch up on all your favourite Zikoko flagships and all the hilarious content you missed while you were busy chasing the bag. True or false? Tell us in the comments!

ALSO READ: The Meaning of Easter and How It Affects My Faith
Nigerian politicians can be many things: dramatic as hell, disappointing and scandalous. Incidentally, so are a lot of Bible characters from a million generations ago. We can’t even be sure that Nigerian politicians aren’t directly taking inspiration from them.

In the spirit of Easter, we look at Bible characters that could very well make it as Nigerian politicians if they existed in 2022.

Peter

This man publicly denied Jesus Christ three times only hours after swearing they were going to be BFFs for life. You know he’s the type of Nigerian politician that would promise free education to get himself elected. Once in office, you can forget it because he’d deny he ever made that promise. Unless you can get a rooster to crow near him or something.

Methuselah

Methuselah lived 969 years on earth, and you just know Nigeria would have a Not-Too-Old-To-Run law if he was alive today. Just like Methuselah refused to die for a long time, Nigerian politicians don’t know when to stop. They can sit in the National Assembly for 20 years or keep running for the same presidential position for 30 years.

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Saul/Paul

Saul of Tarsus was extremely anti-Christian before his dramatic conversion to Christianity, which prompted his change of name to Paul. This makes him tailor-made for Nigerian politics where politicians jump from one party to the next.

A Nigerian politician — Saul today, Paul tomorrow

The difference between Paul’s time and now is that the defection process for Nigerian politicians doesn’t always involve temporary blindness. But that would be cool to see.

King Herod

A ruthless ruler whose military gets away with the massacre of innocent young people based on paranoia? King Herod wouldn’t find it hard at all to make it as a Nigerian politician.

Deborah

Deborah was kind of like a politician in her day. She’s the only female judge mentioned in the Bible, which makes her a rare breed. Thousands of years later, she’d have the same status in Nigerian politics where women are barely represented in public office. There’s never been an elected female governor, or president or vice president. Attempts to improve the representation of women in politics is also meeting a lot of resistance. But every now and then, you get a Deborah.

ALSO READ: Does the National Assembly Hate Nigerian Women?

Judas Iscariot

This man will stab you in the back while also kissing your cheeks. Definitely a bribe-taking Nigerian politician that claims to be your friend.

Ananias and Sapphira

Not much is known about Ananias and Sapphira other than that they were a couple that tried to cheat the Lord by holding back some of the proceeds of a sale. As Nigerian politicians, you just know they’re the type to award a ₦1 billion contract and pocket ₦700 million, preferably stuffed inside their babariga. And rather than the instant death they got in the Bible, they’d just keep ~~rigging~~ winning elections in Nigeria.

*Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events, is purely coincidental.

Joseph

It may look like this article is really just bagging on Nigerian politicians, but every now and then, you get a decent leader like Joseph. He’s visionary, has lofty dreams and saves for the rainy day. It’s such a shame others that’ll come after him will piss away his legacy. Also went to prison before he became a leader, just like some Nigerian politicians.

Jacob

Jacob’s deception of his father, Isaac, to receive the blessings meant for his brother, Esau, is one of the Bible’s earliest fraud stories. And Esau selling his birthright to Jacob in exchange for a plate of porridge reads exactly like the vote-selling that occurs around Nigerian elections today.

Eve

Eve’s hunger for power to be as knowledgeable as God convinced her to eat the forbidden fruit. And when she was caught, she didn’t take full responsibility for her actions. Instead, she blamed an animal for it. She has all the makings of a Nigerian politician that’d blame past administrations for her current failures.

#ItWasn’tMe

Samson

You can imagine Samson gets elected into office because he boasts he can solve insecurity on account of his six-pack. But the only thing he’s wrestling while he’s in office is the sin of the flesh. Safe to say he’s caught up in at least one sex scandal.

Lucifer/Satan

What does a Nigerian politician have that this entity does not possess? Is it the sweet mouth? The proclivity for self-sabotage? The cunning? The arrogance? Or the dashing personality? Give Lucifer public office and watch him create hell for the people that voted for him.

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