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  • The ones that don’t care about Valentine’s Day

    These ones will act like they don’t rate February 14th. But in reality, they’re either just single or broke.

    The ones with multiple admirers

    These ones enjoyed the day to the fullest as they were receiving gifts from different people and scheduling multiple dates. Their only headache was how to handle going out with different people on the same day.

    The ones in a relationship with food

    They’ll tell you that food can’t break anyone’s heart, but they’re only consoling themselves with food because they haven’t found love yet.

    People who gifted themselves and then acted surprised

    These are LadiPoe’s people – “Throw myself a party and then act surprised”. Who were they deceiving? Last last, it’s still self-love anyway, and it’s not a bad thing at all.

    The people who wrote cute letters

    These folks made beautifully written letters for the people they love and sent those letters to them with a can of Malta Guinness to stomach all that goodness. These people deserve an award for being the best in thoughtfulness.

    The smart ones who seized the chance to enjoy a Malta Guinness-powered Date Night

    These people had the most fun on Valentine’s day, hands down. Malta Guinness treated them to a lovely four-course dinner for valentine’s day and people had a lovely time with food, laughter, and the company of the people they love.

  • From the people with valid points to the ones who are angry for no reason, here are the different types you’ll see in a Twitter conversation. Know the ones you’re dealing with so you can avoid trouble.

    The instigators

    The ones who tweet clearly stupid or controversial things just for engagement. They always disappear when the chaos starts, so beware of their trap.

    The fire stokers

    The devil has many advocates and most are on Twitter. The best place to find them is in the comment section of the instigators.

    The market sellers

    These ones don’t care about anything. They just want to use all the trending topics to sell their market. So if you see a tweet that ends with words that make no sense together — “Buhari, Oshodi, BBNaija” — just know they’re trying to sell something.

    The attention-seeking contrarians

    If everyone is arguing about whether or not two plus two is equal to four, you can be sure to find someone who’ll mention how numbers are a capitalist invention. They’re the ITKs of Twitter.

    The commentators

    These ones actually want to have a conversation. They’ll lay down points that’ll make you feel sorry for them for talking sense in a wild place like Nigerian Twitter.

    The jokers

    It’s never that deep with these people. They’ll come at any hot take with a slam dunk that makes everybody forget why they were angry in the first place.

    The angry ones

    For these ones, every conversation is a threat of violence. They just want to insult anybody with a different opinion. No matter how calm you feel, once you engage them, heat will start catching you. They might even curse your father for no reason at all.

    NEXT READ: The Zikoko Guide To Being A Nigerian Twitter Influencer

  • Abuja is the much-adored capital city. While the city plays host to people from different places, classes, and ethnicity, the most popular towns that make up the city are occupied by specific kinds of people, and we’re here to expose them today.

     

    1. Maitama/Asokoro

    black man in yoruba attire and traditional bead necklace holding multiple bundles of $1 bills to his ear

    This is where you find the big boys with fuck-you-money. The politicians, children of politicians, oil magnates, people who can still afford Titus sardine, etc. 

    2. Kubwa

    cute biola in traditional igbo attire

    According to the Zikoko Bureau of Imaginary Statistics, half of the Igbo population in Abuja live in Kubwa. That’s why okpa is the most popular staple around there. Every Igbo person in Nigeria has a family member in Kubwa.

    3. Dutse 

    youth corper appearing to shout out commands to his platoon during a march past on an unidentified NYSC camp

    For people who want to live in Abuja but can’t afford to live in Abuja. Typically people who did NYSC in Abuja and couldn’t find a job afterwards but refused to go back to Asaba and Lagos.

    4. Gwarimpa 

    places in abuja and people who live there

    Everybody is innocent until proven guilty, except people who live here. Gwarimpa is for Lagos people who moved to Abuja but couldn’t move on from Lagos. The traffic within the estate is numbing and if you go out of your house at exactly 1:53 a.m., you might see LASTMA officials harassing yellow Lagos buses.

    5. Kuje

    nigerian international passport with "Kuje" superimposed in a white underlined text over "Nigeria" on it

    An autonomous country near Abuja. Residents are required to have their own international passports before they are allowed to travel to Abuja or any other part of the country.

    6. Lugbe

    Everyone who you have lost contact with for years now lives in Lugbe. Also the town is for people who live in Abuja but want to avoid the responsibilities of Abuja people. When you bill them, they tell you they don’t have. If you say, “Don’t you live in Abuja?” They quickly respond with “Yes, but I live in Lugbe.”

    sydney talker in a blue face cap worn backwards folding his arms expressing disbelief

    9. Gwagwalada

    Basically Lokoja but with wider roads. Mostly for folks from Kogi state who tried to migrate to Abuja and failed to make it all the way to the city itself. These people lie to everyone else that they live in Abuja, and so we have grudgingly accepted them.

    osita iheme in four states of facial expressions ranging from disgust to unconcern

    Read Next: How to Spot an Ex-Lagosian Living in Abuja

  • The latecomers.

    This category of people wait till it’s almost time for prayer before leaving the office or work and you can find them always rushing to meet up with prayers. Their mantra when they meet anyone on the road is “have they prayed?”

    Front row gang.

    These people come like 4hours before service, they help to set up, clean, and they usually occupy the front row. Chances are that they are workers in the mosque.

    Sleepers.

    Their mode of operation is to look for where they can rest their backs immediately they get into the mosque. You find them paying earnest attention one minute, and the next minute, they have dozed off. At one point everyone has been a sleeper.

    Businessman on the phone.

    Their default line is usually “I dey mosque, make I call you back.” They can do this for like 20 calls. From their phone pouches, oud perfume, and traditional attire, you just know they are businessmen.

    The uninterested ones.

    Little children running about that have no interest in whatever is going on. You can always catch their parents chasing them up and down. Their job is to run and climb the backs of adults and make weird noises. The tired faces of their parents tell you all you need to know about them.

    Shoe keepers.

    They spend 10minutes after ablution looking for the best place to keep their shoes. Always watching over it and making sure no one places their shoe on theirs. Some even go as far as putting it on the window near where they want to pray.

    Greeters.

    They know everyone in the mosque and they are always greeting up and down. Look left, Salam Alaykum, look right, Salam Alaykum. The whole mosque knows them and they know the whole mosque. If you are rushing somewhere after Jumah, they will definitely delay you.

    Talkers.

    They are usually talking in loud voices about something from work and what not while the sermon is going on. They don’t understand the bad eye you try to give them for silence and they are oblivious to how loud they are.

    Nice ones.

    May Allah bless these ones. Always refilling everyone’s kettle for ablution, and also, if there is a need to buy water for ablution, they always lead the charge. Always ready to assist in anything the mosque needs.

    Sellers/Buyers.

    Is any Jumah after service complete without you buying nice baffs after? Different caps, jalamia, hijab, and incense to upgrade your halal style on sale. Also, this is the best place to buy yummy dates to eat after prayers.

    Did we miss any? Let us know in the comments section.

  • Whether you work in a small office or a big corporation, you’re definitely going to meet all sorts of people. Here are 10 types of people you probably have in your office right now! 

    1. Early birds/night owls

    You know, those people that are always the first in and last out. The ones that’ll have you wondering if there is someone chasing them from their houses. You’re making the rest of us look bad, uncle!

    2. Perpetual latecomers

    Loool those ones that can’t be on time to work unless by a divine act of God. They are usually the most creative people because they have to come up with a new lie every day.

    3. Style icons

    These ones don’t come to play; they come to slay. Our colleagues that even on casual Fridays wear three-piece suits and six-inch heels with full makeup. You’ll just be looking at them and thinking “you have power o…”

    4. Always sleepy

    These ones are always ‘offline’. Small quiet like this, or if the boss steps out, they’re already making their way to dreamland. It’s an amazing something.

    5. Chatterboxes

    The ones that if you mistakenly even look their way, they will start talking about any and everything. Just shoot me!

    6. Forever cold

    Even if it’s 80 degrees outside, there is always that one colleague that is always cold. Always. Any small thing “please put off the AC now. You want to kill somebody?”

    7. Office gossip

    The way these ones are always gathering and spilling tea, you just have to wonder how they get anything done. You’ll even start to fear them because their powers are too great for you to comprehend.

    8. Salespeople

    Then we have the salespeople. The ones who have great entrepreneurial spirits and are always selling one thing or the other. They’ll try to sell every useless trinket, and try to pressure or guilt you into buying. No, bro.

    9. Assistant boss

    These are the guys that once given a little responsibility, let it get to their head and they start feeling like the boss. If I slap you ehn, your swollen head will reduce.

    10. Ghost worker

    Now, these ones are the people that if you see them in your office, you wonder if there’s a new employee, even though they’ve been working there for 3 years. They’re so quiet and reserved, they’re pretty much invisible. Ghosts.

  • 1. People that wear white in public transport and somehow don’t get stained.

    How do you do it?!

    2. Girls that fix insanely long nails and can somehow still do other stuff.

    How do you not injure yourselves when wiping after using the toilet?

    3. People that live on the mainland but work on the Island and vice versa.

    The fact that the stress of the daily traffic jam hasn’t completely taken the life force out of you is amazing.

    4. People that can fall asleep the moment their head hits a pillow.

    Please give us your magic.

    5. People that know and actually like Maths.

    Nawa oh.

    6. People that can eat anything and everything they want and not gain weight.

    When you people are ready, give us the name of your babalawo.

    More Zikoko!

    11 Types Of Teachers Everybody Had In Secondary School

  • 1. The Queue Prefect

    This one likes to watch the line and make sure nobody is cutting the queue or trying to take another person’s space. They will fight you if you argue with them. Just jejely obey and stand where they tell you to.

    2. The “I was here before” people

    They’re always saying “I was here before”, even though nobody really remembers them being there before.

    3. The “please can I enter?” people

    These ones don’t want to spend too long on the queue, so they’ll be begging everybody on the line to give them space.

    4. The Lord of the Cards

    These ones are Baba card holders. Master of the cards. They will come with five ATM cards and will nearly finish all the money from the machine by the time they finish withdrawing.

    5. The “I’m at your back” people

    They are always at your back. They will go and find somewhere to sit and leave you there protecting their space. As if you too don’t know how to find sit too.

    6. The ones that’ll spend 100 years trying to use the machine

    They don’t know how to use the ATM but instead of them to ask somebody to help them, they’ll be forming bahd guy.

    7. The ones that’ll print receipt only to throw it away

    https://twitter.com/omoissy/status/861915217428705280
    Like, why’d you even bother then?

    And now, here’s a post on all the things we hate about queuing at the ATM:

    https://zikoko.com/list/else-hates-atm-queues/

  • 1. “You’re so skinny, do you even eat?”

    No. I survive on water and oxygen.

    2. “Let me carry you, I’m sure you don’t have any weight”

    Of course. I am not made of matter. I have no weight and I occupy no space.

    3. “Look at you, you’re just skin and bones”

    Hello! Who asked you?

    4. “Tini beku…longitude”

    Just…shut up. Like, shut up.

    5. “Your stomach is so flat it’s like a table”

    Come and draw on it now. Oya, come.

    6. “Why are you exercising? Do you want to disappear?”

    Because they told you exercise is for only fat people abi?

    7. “You should be a model”

    You should just keep quiet. So because I am skinny means I have a career in modelling abi?

    8. “But why are you so skinny?”

    Like, why? Just answer me.

    9. “You should be eating more”

    You should be minding your business.

    10. For women: “Don’t worry, when you get pregnant you’ll become fatter”

    Who asked you?

    11. For men: “Don’t worry, when you get married you’ll become fatter”

    Can you mind your business?

  • 1. The Raging Alcoholic

    Everyone knows that there is always alcohol at parties and that people get drunk. That’s the way parties work but there is always that one person that overdoes it with the drinking, gets insanely drunk and eventually starts causing wahala. That is the Raging Alcoholic. He will get drunk, cause trouble and will eventually get thrown out. If you’ve never seen a Raging Alcoholic then chances are YOU are the Raging Alcoholic. Go and get help biko.

    2. The Professional DJ

    This person is NOT a professional DJ. This person just thinks that their taste in music is so awesome that they should decide the music everybody at the party dances to. This person does this by disturbing the actual DJ and making song requests like they’re a 6 year old at a children’s party. The annoying thing is that this person, 100% of the time, has a terrible taste in music. This person usually doesn’t get thrown out but if YOU do throw them out, everyone will thank you.

    3. The Obvious Introvert

    The fact that people are at parties shows that they are at least trying to socialize. The Obvious Introvert however will not even try. You’ll see them sitting in a corner looking uncomfortable or scrolling on their phone. Half the time they’re not even drinking! Like, WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE?!

    4. The Obvious Extrovert

    This is that person that’ll just show up to the party and start making noise. They’ll grab the first drink they see (even if it’s in someone else’s hands) and start greeting everybody by hugging or violently shaking hands like they’re trying to remove people’s wrists. We know you’re sociable and outgoing. You don’t have to prove it to everybody. Calm down abeg.

    5. The Idiot that keeps trying to get everybody to play ‘Devil’s Basket’.

    No one wants to do this! Do you think this is secondary school?  GTFO!

    6. The Trained Dancer

    This one will just enter dance floor and start dancing like they’re fighting kung-fu. If you stand too close to them when they start, you will injure.

    7. That one person that refuses to leave when the party is over.

    This person might low-key be homeless and is probably just looking for a place to crash. Then again if you decide to be a good Samaritan and let him spend the night, there’s a chance he’ll steal everything you own before morning so it’s probably best if you just throw him out.

    If you enjoyed reading this (which of course you did) read this next article about 17 things you’ll immediately recognize if you’ve been to a Nigerian house party.

    17 Things That Are Too Real For Anyone Who Has Ever Attended A House Party In Nigeria

  • If you are on WhatsApp, you most likely would have found yourself in or are even presently in one or three or more groups.

    And if you’ve been in a WhatsApp group, you’re sure to find these five kinds of people:

    1. The BroadCasters

    They just love to send broadcast messages anyhow. They could have a future in mass communication if they wanted. From videos to images to lengthy posts that require endless re-posting for their potency, these ones will not hesitate to send it all.

    2. The Opinion-Seekers

    They will bring a topic to the group so that everyone can fight. They’ll add occasional words to keep the discussion alive and then sit back and watch people argue.

    3. The Information-Seekers

    These ones always get lost and need reminding on whatever information had been passed across in the group.

    4. The Questionnaires

    These ones bring all their questions, worries and concerns to the group chat because their Google subscription has expired and the next option is to ask the WhatsApp group.

    5. The Participant-Observer

    These ones don’t like to talk too much. They’ll just come and go like ghost in a Nollywood film.