• The things some Nigerians did as kids have shown me that I might have let my dear mum off too easily. I was the good kid, you see, a bumbling representation of the common Nigerian sayings “He can’t eat anything harder than a banana” and “If you put water in his mouth and travel far, you’ll return to meet the water in his mouth”.

    Things Nigerians Did As Kids

    While people like me were giving our parents peace, other kids were doing the opposite. We’ve combed through X and compiled the most hilarious “dumbest thing you did as a kid” tweets.

    Why are you drinking disinfectant? God, abeg

    Stealing our Lord and Saviour’s body and blood?

    Give this man 20 lashes

    Leemao

    [ad]

    Are you me? Is me you?

    Big side-eye

    Chucky, is that you?

    I stan a selfless giver

    May God have mercy on your soul

    The GOAT

    Daddy was real AF

    https://twitter.com/coffee_puccino/status/1706292965721690141?s=46&t=gV-1mmgH3NC_RQhcgp1x3w

    Parte after parte

    Wetin be this?

    Screams in *ekun egbere

    Not trying to send grandma to her early grave! 

    Are you not embarrassed?

    Very well done, Daddy

    Heavy bombastic side-eye

    Murife, don’t cry

    Folarin Falana, is that you?

    Not a human blender

    The audacity to show up at the crime scene?

    Well, I respect this

    This is dark

    READ ALSO: 16 Nigerians Talk About The Most Ridiculous Things They Believed As Kids

    Kids will embarrass you

    It’s giving “mover and shaker”

    Little miss mischievous

    I beg all of your available pardons?

    Heavy evil laughter

    Oof oof, mummy!

    We’re throwing the biggest meat festival in Lagos. Sign up here to be notified when ticket sales begin.

  • Every two business days, someone drops a hot take that anime is for kids, and you know what? They’re right. Only children would want to watch a bunch of characters run around and fight people that are not fighting them. That’s peak joblessness. Here’s all the proof you need that anime is for kids. 

    Anime is too soft and emotional 

    As an adult, why are you watching something that’ll make you feel warm when news channels exist? You better call all the kids in your neighbourhood together so they can watch Grave of Fireflies or Attack on Titan. Those are the kinds of shows only kids deserve to see abi?


    RELATED: QUIZ: Which Anime Character Are You According to Your State of Origin?


    The main characters are kids, so only kids can relate to them

    No,  think about it; how can you relate to a twelve-year-old boy looking for his dad and gallivanting around with his little friend with no troubles whatsoever? What’s realistic about that? As an adult, why would you be watching Hunter X Hunter? What life lessons can you gain? Please rethink your life choices.

    See, they totally agree

    When characters die, it’s cute 

    We all know that death is not cute in real life. Indeed since anime is for kids, they’ll avoid the grimness of death, right? It’s not like they show splattered blood in Chainsaw Man or a half-eaten, Gala-looking human being in Attack on Titan. No, they just put soft flowers around the cute dead character. People don’t just explode after becoming curses  because of some evil antagonist. It’s for kids, nau. 

    Anime has the softest themes

    I mean, it’s a genre for kids; it’s totally okay for kids to watch a psychopath that kill people for fun by writing their names in a black book based on his moral high horse. It’s not like seeing Ryuk from Death Note will scar them for life or anything. Just pure wholesomeness and clear blue skies. 

    All they do is go on little quests to activate the power of friendship

    What’s the fun in watching something like that? Only kids enjoy watching cartoons. It’s not like anime characters are known for occasionally trying to kill their friends over small things. In fact, I recommend letting kids watch Devilman Crybaby to experience true friendship at its peak. 

    awww besties

    Hentai is age-appropriate for kids

    You definitely want to interrupt your kid’s regular programming of cococmelon with possibly tentacle sex scenes in anime. I mean, sex education should be taught early, abi? So what if they show a lot of problematic stuff? A genre for kids can do no wrong.

    Violence is always the answer

    Now come on, that child in your life shouldn’t still be watching stuffed animals teach them life lessons that help them grow to be kind people. They need to watch anime series about a man who occasionally turns into a person with a chainsaw for a head and a chainsaw on his arms to help him fight devils. Yep. That’s something I’d definitely let a child see before they go to bed. 


    READ ALSO: Everyone Who Watches Anime Has Met One of These 10 Types of Anime Fans

  • When women refuse to follow society’s script of a virtuous woman, all hell breaks loose. We receive a range of reactions — from parents weeping to random people’s comments — and we’re sick of it. 

    Here’s a list of things you shouldn’t say to women who don’t want kids. 

    “You will regret it”

    What if I don’t? What if, by some wild chance, I’m actually really happy I made the decision to not have kids. What happens then? 

    “Who will take care of you?”

    When people ask this, I wonder if it’s the only reason they want kids. If yes, what happened to family members or friends or even healthcare workers?

    “What if your husband wants kids?”

    Women who don’t want kids won’t marry men who want kids. If either of them change their minds, they might have to part ways. Kids aren’t something to compromise on. 

    RELATED: What She Said: I Love My Children, But I’ve Never Liked Them

    “You’ll still change your mind”

    What if I don’t change my mind? If I change my mind, that’s completely okay too. Now, tell me why you’re pressed. 

    “Don’t get married, then”

    No be you go tell me wetin I go do. 

    Related: What She Said: I Got Married at 47 and Nobody Died

    “Are you gay?”

    This one is funny because how does it relate? I need someone to please explain it to me like I’m 5.

    “It’s because you’re young”

    They say this alongside “You don’t know what you’re saying.” And that’s okay too. When I get older, I’ll also decide whether or not I want kids. 

    “So if you get pregnant, you will get an abortion?” 

    Yup! 

    Here’s an article on why some people absolutely hate being around kids.

  • Baby fever is ravaging the community, and we’ve found the cure. Here are eight things you can do when you’re consumed by baby fever.

    1) Look at your account balance

    While you’re craving a child and imagining how you’d make a great mother, why not take a peek at your account balance. Does it make you happy? Is there a lot of money in it? Does it spark joy? There’s nothing like reminding yourself you’re broke to flush the fever out from your body. 

    2) Take a malaria test 

    One very common symptom of malaria is fever. It might not even be baby fever that’s dealing with you. What if it’s fever induced hallucinations? Better go to the hospital. 

    3) Re-evaluate the state of your life 

    Are you happy with your life? Happy enough to bring another person into it? Therapy may be what you need, not a child. 

    4) Google the price of diapers 

    If this isn’t enough to reset your brain, then there’s no saving you. We’ve lost you to the people pushing the children agenda. Diapers are costing ₦5k upwards and those little terrorists children are running through packs in a day. Do you want to wreck yourself? 

    5) Remind yourself they’re stuck with you 

    From the moment you bring these tiny terrorists into the world, they’re stuck with you till you leave. Are you ready for that kind of responsibility? 

    6) Watch childbirth videos 

    Refresh your memory on what it’ll cost you to get you what you want. Then refresh your memory by also checking out these tweets that act like free birth control and will provide enough fear to chase away baby fever 

    7) Drink water and sleep 

    Sometimes you’re feeling like this as a result of stress. Drink some water and sleep so your brain can recalibrate. 

    8) is Check your cycle 

    You may be ovulating, and we all know that ovulation has only one goal, and that’s to impregnate you. If you find out you’re ovulating, just let it pass. The repercussions of one ovulation will stay with you for the rest of your life. Are you ready?

    [donation]

  • All Nigerians know how to do during the Christmas season is to ask intrusive questions. Here’s a list of alternative responses for when someone asks you why you don’t have kids. 

    1. “My doctor told me my uterus eats babies.”

    If you think about it well, it’s actually possible so it’s not like you are lying. 

    2. “I’m still a baby please.”

    How can a baby take care of a baby? Ko le work. Nah, b. 

    3. “I’m waiting for you” 

    If they ask what you mean, say “ehn”. 

    4. “Kids? Is that some kind of cryptocurrency?”

    Let them know you are only interested in making money. Kids who? 

    5. “Sorry, it’s not in my manual”

    Since we all came to this life with a set of instructions, if having kids is in your manual, it’s not in mine. 

    6. “I am waiting for the new software update”

    Maybe after the software has been updated I can have kids. Right not, I don’t have the capacity for it. 

    7. “The baba told me that if I have kids, the gods will take them”

    Let them regret asking you foolish questions.

    8. “I’ll have kids when your last born is as old as I am”

    It’s now left for them to do the maths. Leave them there to be calculating.

    9. “You want to Bam ba?”

    The song is so catchy, they will just start singing and dancing along and forget what they asked you.

  • With the amount of bad publicity pregnancy has received, you’ll wonder why people are still getting pregnant and having kids. Kids are only cute for a short period of time before they start to show their true colours. Here’s a list of reasons why kids are bad vibes:

    1.They eat all your food.

    They can’t cook, they don’t contribute to anything around the house but they want to eat. They don’t even eat little portions, they eat large portions all the time. Kids spend 18 out of 24hrs eating for people who can’t farm or work. 

    2.They spend all your money

    From school fees to clothing, to feeding, it’s like they came to this life to finish your money. You can’t buy nice things for yourself without thinking of your child first. They don’t care that Nigeria is bad, they just want to chop your money.

    3.They don’t pay rent

    They don’t even know what a job is, talk less about paying rent. Kids take over all your life and take all the space in your house without paying a dime. You can’t even send them on errands till they are at least one year old.

    4.They keep you up at night

    Why don’t kids like to sleep? Serious question. It’s ok if they stay up by themselves, but no, they’ll want you to feed them and play with them. Don’t let those cute little giggles get to you please, avoid kids. 

    5.They don’t work but always want to buy things.

    First of all, there’s rice at home. The only money they have is the one their grandparents gave them, but they want you to buy them a new PS5. ‘Kunle do you have PS5 money?’

    6.They lack respect

    No one knowingly and unknowingly hurts your feelings like kids do. Well, except Yoruba men. Kids say things as they feel without sparing a thought, a very mean set of people. 

    7.They cry for no reason

    They soil themselves and start to cry like someone did the dirty work for them. They cry when they are sleepy too, instead of just closing their eyes and sleeping. Reason 1256816 why kids are proper bad vibes.

    8.They grow so fast

    They grow super fast, mostly because they’ve eaten all your food. You still have to be responsible for them regardless of  how fast they’ve grown.

    9.They take over your life

    Kids begging

    Oops, you can’t have too much fun, you have to be back home to that child. You can’t even party too much or be out too long without thinking of your child. 

    10.They only want to play

    Kids dancing

    Children don’t pay rent, don’t work, but are overall best at playing.

    Final verdict: User interface A1 – User Experience F9

  • Raising kids is one heck of a responsibility. Do you have what it takes? Take this quiz to find out how many children you should have.

    [donation]

  • Kids are very pure and sweet so whenever they switch up on us, it always comes off as shocking. From asking very grownup questions to calmly dropping death threats, here are 9 times Nigerian kids have said the wildest things, unprovoked. 

    Jamal

    I was teasing my little cousin when she suddenly threatened to kill me with a slap. It was a combination of cute and terrifying cause she was 2 years old. 

    Ayo

    A 4-year-old once walked up to me and asked: “Do you have a penis?” I wasn’t sure how to answer the question. 

    Jerry

    My 3-year-old goddaughter once asked “Why doesn’t the hair on your face come off? I want to remove it and put it back.” then she proceeded to try and pull off my beard. I had to tell her it was the source of my strength and taking it off would mean no more aeroplane rides for her so she could stop. 

    Halima

    I was combing my natural hair when my 4-year-old nephew calmly told me that my head would soon fall off. Funny enough, he wasn’t kidding. Now, the thing is, why did he calmly tell me something so scary?

    Henry

     While making cutting motions on her clit with her fingers, a 5-year-old asked her mum in my presence what would happen if she cut her clit with a real knife. Her mum, my mom and I were all in the living room. We were all shocked.

    David

    My 3-year-old nephew once asked me to buy him a helicopter because he only saw them in the sky and they never said hi. I laughed it off but inner me was like “bro, wtf?”  

    Zainab

    A 3-year-old once asked me “aunty, will you be my new mommy.” Her reason? She said I don’t shout on her like her other mummy does. I was just 17 at the time. 

    Tobi

    During a family meeting, my 8-year-old cousin kept following me around, asking if I had fancy video games he could entertain himself with. When I said I didn’t have any, he looked me dead in the face and said, “Your life is boring sha. How do you even have the will to live?  He is 16 now and very unhappy, I hope. 

    Vince

    A 9-year-old once said, “it might be nice to just fall from a building and be gone.” That shook me to my core.

    Recommended: 22 Hilarious Test Answers By Kids That Are Just Too Brilliant!

  • “A Week In The Life” is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week.


    The subject for today’s “A Week In The Life” is a Federal Road Safety Officer. He talks about why refusing bribes from motorists sometimes cause him problems and why his children and corruption are reasons he can’t wait to take on a senior role at directorate level.

    4:30 am – 6:00 am:

    I wake up by 4:30 am every day. The first thing I usually do is prepare the kids for school. Thankfully, school is not in session so I don’t have to do that today. I  have my bath and rush out. I’m rushing because morning parade starts at 6 am and I must not miss it. The parade is where we touch base and discuss our plans for the day. Missing it is a punishable offence. Without traffic, it takes about 25 minutes to get to the office. However, with traffic, the journey takes as long as two hours. It’s still early when I leave the house so there are no bikes to take me to the bus stop. This means that I have to trek which is another journey in itself. Thankfully, I don’t have to stay long at the bus stop before I find a vehicle to carry me to work. I arrive at work, change into my uniform and make it just in time for the parade. 

    At the parade, our supervisors address us, assign us to various duties and my day officially begins. I’m in operations and this involves supervising motorists and helping out in emergency response, so my team and I hit the road to start work. 

    7:00 am – 12 noon:

    Every work or duty whether it’s an artisan or white-collar has their peculiarities. Something that makes the work difficult to do. In my case, it’s the psyche of the motorists. It’s a  big challenge because Nigerians have normalized bad behaviour. We know the country is bad and all, but you are not meant to drive on the road without a valid driver’s license. The funny thing is that it doesn’t cost a lot to do – You get the temporary license online, and in sixty days time, you get a permanent copy. However, my country people prefer to go on the road and give someone ₦2,000 – ₦3,000 just to scale through without a license. At the end of the day, they end up giving people this money more than 12 times a year thereby spending more than they would have spent to just do the license. 

    When I stop a motorist and let them see the reasons why they should not depend on bribing an officer, they keep asking: Who be this one, wetin dis one dey try to prove? Are you not a Nigerian? 

    They see me as irrational or unreasonable because I don’t behave like every other person. In fact, they think I’m wicked, heartless, and I don’t want to help them. Sometimes it turns into a quarrel and they rally a crowd to sympathize with them. It gets tricky here because Nigerians have a thing against uniformed people. Once there’s public sentiment, most people side the motorist who is actually an offender because they don’t buy your story. Road safety officer that doesn’t want to collect money? [haha]. Then I’ll start hearing you for don leave am. You for don collect. It then becomes a dilemma because how are we going to make things right?

    As I am battling the work front, there are also family members. They either call asking for my help when they break road traffic laws or they need someone to help them process a driver’s license. I keep telling them that we have to start making things right and we can do things the right way. We must not do things the wrong way. After all my talk, they still don’t get it and tomorrow, they’ll still ask me to either beg for them or introduce someone to help them.

    They don’t get it. Neither does the majority of the force. The officers who get it are not enough to change the image of the force but we still try. Sigh.

    1:00 pm – 4:00 pm:

    I booked a man driving a Tundra for an offence this afternoon. He was driving without a seat belt and was eating. To make matters worse, his car papers were not up to date. After explaining and begging, I booked him for driving without a seat belt and also impounded his car. I explained to him that he had to update his papers for his own safety and for the safety of other road users. Eventually, he came to collect his car and his wife drove him down. He asked to see me and he introduced me to his wife. His wife, a consultant in a big teaching hospital said he was just praising my professionalism. After retrieving his car, we exchanged contacts and I promised to visit.

    Moments like this make me happy because it shows that some people appreciate me. I remember another incident where I stopped a road user and after a severe warning, I let him go. The next time I ran into him was at the hospital when I went for scaling and polishing. It turned out that he was the head dentist there and he remembered me. So, I got special treatment and he ended up sorting my fees which I know was not cheap. Sometimes, I wonder that if I had collected ₦2,000 from him on the road, would he have given me the same treatment?

    Corruption is a cycle that affects all of us. We live in normal houses [not barracks] like regular people. We go to the same hospital as regular people. Our children go to regular schools too. If an officer takes money from a motorist that’s a doctor, the doctor will try to make it back and may inflate their own fees. Then let’s say a policeman goes to the doctor and can’t afford the fees, the policeman goes on the road to try to make the money and your guess is as good as mine… It’s an endless cycle that hurts everyone.

    4:00pm – 6:00 pm:

    I get off work by 6 pm. That’s when people on night patrol take over. On some days, they come early to relieve us, so I use that opportunity to pick my kids from school. That bonding time with daddy is important to me. It’s good to let them have a change from mummy coming to pick them; time spent with family is precious. I can’t wait till I actually have more time to spend with my kids. This means that I have to keep growing in my career, I must not be stagnated. I can’t afford to miss a promotion. The only way I’ll have more time is to get in a senior role at maybe directorate level. Then,  I’ll have more time for my kids and I can also make recommendations for change in the force. Because our agency is under the presidency and there are so many stratum and chains of command, it’s only at that level that your input really counts.

    Until that time, all I can do is count down till 6 pm when I get off work. I’ll keep working to get there because, at my level, I can’t change a thing – I’m still what the Igbo people call boy-boy.

    Editors note: FRSC images were taken randomly from the internet as the interview was done anonymously.


    Glossary:

    Boy-boy: Someone that runs errands for other people.

    Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life ” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, fill this form.

  • There are many reasons why people don’t have children. I think unless they specifically ask for our opinion, we should respect their privacy. If they do ask, we should do more listening than talking.


    1) “Don’t your parents want Grandchildren?

    2) “You’ll regret when you are old.”

    3) “Children give purpose to life.”

    4) “Ah, time is going oh.”

    5) “Who will carry your family name?”

    6) “It’s because she did abortion when she was younger.”

    7) “Sorry.”

    8) “As them fine reach, them no get pikin.”

    9) “Stop being selfish.”

    10) “When I was your age, I already had two kids.”

    11) “Maybe God is punishing you.”